A Love Letter to Whiskey
Page 64
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Jamie was staring at me in that way he always did, and for the first time in my life I wished he’d stop. “You’re not okay, are you.” It was a question, but he said it as a statement. “With all of this, I mean.”
“I’m fine.”
He sighed, running a hand through his hair and looking up at the basketball highlights on the screen before facing me again. “You don’t have to do this, okay? You can leave, I can—”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Jamie,” I cut him off, forcing the most genuine smile I could muster. “What are you going to do? Refund me for the dress hanging in my room? For the flight here and back? Don’t be dumb. Plus, I wouldn’t miss this for anything. I love you,” my voice cut off a little at the end of that profession, but I smoothed it over. “I want to be here. It’s hard, and I’m always honest with you so I won’t deny that, but I don’t want to leave.”
It wasn’t a lie. Even if he told me I could leave and he’d pay me back for everything, I wouldn’t. It hurt to be here, but it would hurt worse not to be — to be miles away wondering what he looked like, how they were together, what song they danced to, what color the stupid cake was. It was a sick sort of torture in a way, but I wanted to be with him — even if I couldn’t be with him.
“Are you sure?” His brows bent and I reached out, squeezing his forearm.
“I’m sure.” His eyes fell to my hand, and I retracted it, grabbing my drink again. Being around Jamie without being able to touch him was like drinking decaf coffee. It didn’t satisfy. The buzz was within reach, yet completely unattainable at the same time. “Besides, you’ll pay me back. One day I’ll be the one getting married, and I’ll expect you to be there.”
He was still staring at his arm where my hand had been, and his jaw ticked a little then. He reached for his own drink, but his eyes stayed down. “I’m happy. I love her, B. I really do.”
The knife twisted low, but I swallowed back the gasp. “I know.”
“But I still love you, too.” He lifted his eyes to mine then. “I don’t know if that will ever change.”
I didn’t have to ask what he meant, because I knew. I felt it in everything that I was. Jamie Shaw was a part of me, and he would be forever. “I hope it doesn’t.”
He smiled, tentatively reaching his hand out to touch my cheek. I leaned into his palm and we both exhaled together, laughing softly.
“Ugh,” Jamie said, thumbing my cheek bone before dropping his hand and shaking out his shoulders. “Okay, enough with the heavy. Catch me up on everything. How’s work? Still kicking ass? Randall planning your next promotion?”
The conversation was easy from there. I filled him in on my life and he did the same for his. I wasn’t shocked to hear his dad was already talking about Jamie’s plan to partner at the firm, and my heart swelled with pride before a hard pinch hit it at the thought that Jamie was exactly where he always wanted to be. He was working at the firm, getting married, on his way to kids. It was all happening. I wasn’t a part of it, and yet I was. We had always existed in the in-between, and I guessed we always would.
We laughed a lot that night, bullshitting and reminiscing on times past. He asked me if I had a boyfriend, in about seven creative ways, and I skirted the question each time, leaving whatever was happening between River and me completely off the table. We took what we needed from each other and that was all. The truth was, I didn’t have time for a boyfriend — and I was okay with walking alone for a while.
“I guess I should probably let you sleep,” Jamie said as I yawned, my third glass of whiskey now empty. He checked his watch and then studied me again, biting his lower lip. “You know, we should go surfing tomorrow.”
“What?”
He nodded. “I mean, why not? We don’t have any plans until the bachelor party tomorrow. The guys have to go pick up their tuxes after work and I’ll be bored out of my mind and probably make myself sick with nerves if I’m alone all day.”
“I think you’re forgetting one key issue,” I said, pausing to see if he’d fill in the blanks. When he didn’t, I sighed. “I don’t have a board anymore, remember?” Tucking my hands under my thighs against the leather barstool, I shrugged. “Mom sold everything when she and Wayne bought that boat — including my old lime green board.”
“I know.”
Jamie was just staring at me, goofy smile and glossy whiskey eyes. I quirked a brow. “Okay… so then you know I don’t have a board for us to go surfing tomorrow. Unless I rent one, which sounds awful.”
“You don’t have to rent. You have a board.”
He stood then, pulling out enough cash to pay for both of our tabs. I went to stop him, but my mind was too busy trying to wrap itself around what he was saying. “I don’t understand.”
He grabbed my wrists, tugging me forward off the barstool and wrapping me in a hug. He rested his chin on my head for a second, then pulled back with his hands still on my arms. “You didn’t honestly think I’d let your mom sell your board to some random, did you?”
My mouth fell open, but Jamie didn’t seem fazed at all, just tucked his wallet back in his pocket with an easy smile. “You bought my board?”
“Of course I did.” He winked, and it took every last ounce of self-control I had to stop myself from springing forward. I wanted to kiss him, hard. I wanted him in my bed, his hands on me, my lips on him. No one loved me like Jamie did, and I hadn’t yearned for one last night with him until that exact moment.
But he backed away, still facing me, taking three long strides with a cocky grin in place before he turned and called over his shoulder. “Pick you up at seven.”
I WAS FINALLY HOME.
Jamie sat on his board beside me, both of us straddling and waiting for the next wave. It was early, the sun struggling to rise in front of us, and the water was still chilly from the winter, but it was home. I traced the black designs on my board, stomach warm at the fact that Jamie had bought it from my mom. He’d stored it, kept it just in case I came back home. It seemed so little, but said so much.
“There’s nothing like this,” I whispered as a tame wave rolled under us. Jamie turned to face me, but I kept my eyes on the horizon. “There are so many amazing things to see, so many different cities and places, but nothing compares to the way you feel sitting on a board, waiting for a wave.”
“I’m fine.”
He sighed, running a hand through his hair and looking up at the basketball highlights on the screen before facing me again. “You don’t have to do this, okay? You can leave, I can—”
“Don’t be ridiculous, Jamie,” I cut him off, forcing the most genuine smile I could muster. “What are you going to do? Refund me for the dress hanging in my room? For the flight here and back? Don’t be dumb. Plus, I wouldn’t miss this for anything. I love you,” my voice cut off a little at the end of that profession, but I smoothed it over. “I want to be here. It’s hard, and I’m always honest with you so I won’t deny that, but I don’t want to leave.”
It wasn’t a lie. Even if he told me I could leave and he’d pay me back for everything, I wouldn’t. It hurt to be here, but it would hurt worse not to be — to be miles away wondering what he looked like, how they were together, what song they danced to, what color the stupid cake was. It was a sick sort of torture in a way, but I wanted to be with him — even if I couldn’t be with him.
“Are you sure?” His brows bent and I reached out, squeezing his forearm.
“I’m sure.” His eyes fell to my hand, and I retracted it, grabbing my drink again. Being around Jamie without being able to touch him was like drinking decaf coffee. It didn’t satisfy. The buzz was within reach, yet completely unattainable at the same time. “Besides, you’ll pay me back. One day I’ll be the one getting married, and I’ll expect you to be there.”
He was still staring at his arm where my hand had been, and his jaw ticked a little then. He reached for his own drink, but his eyes stayed down. “I’m happy. I love her, B. I really do.”
The knife twisted low, but I swallowed back the gasp. “I know.”
“But I still love you, too.” He lifted his eyes to mine then. “I don’t know if that will ever change.”
I didn’t have to ask what he meant, because I knew. I felt it in everything that I was. Jamie Shaw was a part of me, and he would be forever. “I hope it doesn’t.”
He smiled, tentatively reaching his hand out to touch my cheek. I leaned into his palm and we both exhaled together, laughing softly.
“Ugh,” Jamie said, thumbing my cheek bone before dropping his hand and shaking out his shoulders. “Okay, enough with the heavy. Catch me up on everything. How’s work? Still kicking ass? Randall planning your next promotion?”
The conversation was easy from there. I filled him in on my life and he did the same for his. I wasn’t shocked to hear his dad was already talking about Jamie’s plan to partner at the firm, and my heart swelled with pride before a hard pinch hit it at the thought that Jamie was exactly where he always wanted to be. He was working at the firm, getting married, on his way to kids. It was all happening. I wasn’t a part of it, and yet I was. We had always existed in the in-between, and I guessed we always would.
We laughed a lot that night, bullshitting and reminiscing on times past. He asked me if I had a boyfriend, in about seven creative ways, and I skirted the question each time, leaving whatever was happening between River and me completely off the table. We took what we needed from each other and that was all. The truth was, I didn’t have time for a boyfriend — and I was okay with walking alone for a while.
“I guess I should probably let you sleep,” Jamie said as I yawned, my third glass of whiskey now empty. He checked his watch and then studied me again, biting his lower lip. “You know, we should go surfing tomorrow.”
“What?”
He nodded. “I mean, why not? We don’t have any plans until the bachelor party tomorrow. The guys have to go pick up their tuxes after work and I’ll be bored out of my mind and probably make myself sick with nerves if I’m alone all day.”
“I think you’re forgetting one key issue,” I said, pausing to see if he’d fill in the blanks. When he didn’t, I sighed. “I don’t have a board anymore, remember?” Tucking my hands under my thighs against the leather barstool, I shrugged. “Mom sold everything when she and Wayne bought that boat — including my old lime green board.”
“I know.”
Jamie was just staring at me, goofy smile and glossy whiskey eyes. I quirked a brow. “Okay… so then you know I don’t have a board for us to go surfing tomorrow. Unless I rent one, which sounds awful.”
“You don’t have to rent. You have a board.”
He stood then, pulling out enough cash to pay for both of our tabs. I went to stop him, but my mind was too busy trying to wrap itself around what he was saying. “I don’t understand.”
He grabbed my wrists, tugging me forward off the barstool and wrapping me in a hug. He rested his chin on my head for a second, then pulled back with his hands still on my arms. “You didn’t honestly think I’d let your mom sell your board to some random, did you?”
My mouth fell open, but Jamie didn’t seem fazed at all, just tucked his wallet back in his pocket with an easy smile. “You bought my board?”
“Of course I did.” He winked, and it took every last ounce of self-control I had to stop myself from springing forward. I wanted to kiss him, hard. I wanted him in my bed, his hands on me, my lips on him. No one loved me like Jamie did, and I hadn’t yearned for one last night with him until that exact moment.
But he backed away, still facing me, taking three long strides with a cocky grin in place before he turned and called over his shoulder. “Pick you up at seven.”
I WAS FINALLY HOME.
Jamie sat on his board beside me, both of us straddling and waiting for the next wave. It was early, the sun struggling to rise in front of us, and the water was still chilly from the winter, but it was home. I traced the black designs on my board, stomach warm at the fact that Jamie had bought it from my mom. He’d stored it, kept it just in case I came back home. It seemed so little, but said so much.
“There’s nothing like this,” I whispered as a tame wave rolled under us. Jamie turned to face me, but I kept my eyes on the horizon. “There are so many amazing things to see, so many different cities and places, but nothing compares to the way you feel sitting on a board, waiting for a wave.”
