She nodded, looking down, tears falling on her hands.
“Let me drive you. I’ve arranged for a day off. No one knows why, not even Ray. Just let me drive you, keep you safe.”
She looked up. “Please,” she said softly. “This is mine to do. I promise you I’ll be all right.”
He gave her a look of acquiescence. “Come here, angel,” he said, pulling her against his big hard chest. She leaned against him and cried for a little while, but not for too long. He just stroked her back until the tears passed.
“I’m okay, Al. Just a tough day, that’s all. And I will—let it pass, let him rest. I have a lot ahead that’s good.” She sniffed and reached for a tissue.
“Yes, you do,” he said, running her pretty hair behind her ear. “Would it be all right if I called you tomorrow night? Just to be sure you’re okay?”
“Yes. Sure. But I promise you...I might need a couple of days to be done with this but I promise you, I’m not going back to that dark place I was in when Ray Anne rescued me. That wouldn’t exactly do my baby proud, would it?”
* * *
Matt had to get a map from the mortuary office so that he could find the right grave. The security patrol had no trouble finding the location and handed a copy to Matt.
He was not at all surprised to see Ginger’s car parked along the road. And there she was, sitting on the cool grass about forty feet from the road.
He took the flowers from his mother’s garden to the spot, walking past Ginger to put them on the grave. There were lots of flowers already there. She looked up at him.
“Did someone tell you? Call you?”
He shook his head, then crouched to her level, sitting on the heel of his boot. “No one called. No one told me.”
“Then why are you here?” she asked, wiping a tear.
Matt sighed and sat on the ground. “You’ve been blue and I thought I might find you here. If you weren’t here I would have just left these flowers from our garden to mark the day of his death. I’m not surprised to see you but you could’ve told me. You can tell me anything, you know.”
“You just...came? You just... How did you know?”
“You went inside yourself,” he said, wiping a tear from her cheek. “I could think of a few possibilities. So I went to the newspaper archives online and found the obit. I wanted to pay my respects.”
“I wasn’t hiding it from you.”
“I know, baby. Come here,” he said, stretching out his long legs and pulling her onto his lap. “I know it’ll take a little time for us to know everything about each other but that’s okay. I think we’ve got the important stuff covered for now.”
“Like what?” she said, laying her head on his shoulder. “What’s important?”
“You love me,” he said. “I don’t have the best instincts with women but with you I feel different—like I know what you say is absolutely true. And I know I meant it when I said it to you. And I trust you. When you got quiet and wouldn’t tell me why I figured it was something you were still working out. You don’t have to say anything. But I’m listening when you’re talking. Okay?”
“Okay,” she said. “It was the worst day of my life.”
“I can believe that...”
“I called the paramedics. I tried to breathe for him, but it was too late. Sometimes I pulled him into bed with me but not that night. That night I put him in his crib where he died without my warmth close by. Part of me wishes I had him in bed with me, but then I would forever worry that I rolled over on him, suffocated him. And part of me is relieved he wasn’t in bed because then I didn’t hurt him... So the paramedics came and didn’t even try anything because he was gone, he’d been gone for a while. They let me hold him and we went to the hospital. I think they were breaking rules. I saw one of them crying; he was trying to hide it, but he had wet eyes and kept wiping them. At the hospital they asked for him and I wouldn’t give him up and I wailed. I went to the hospital in pajamas and not just any pajamas, the worst pajamas ever worn by the lowest vagrant—and I saved them, the pajamas. I saved his little onesie. And I wailed like a wounded animal and they had to give me a shot to get me to let go of the baby, of Josh.”
Matt started to rock her slightly, holding on tight, his lips against her hair.
“It was terrifying how crazed I was. And when they took him I couldn’t really believe he was dead. They did an autopsy, did you know? Because they had to make sure it wasn’t a disease or a homicide and oh, God...” She shook her head. “When I was able to see him again I didn’t believe it was him but I didn’t say anything because I knew they were this close to locking me up for being a lunatic.”
He kissed her temple. “Do you believe it now?” he asked in a whisper.
She nodded. “Yes. My baby died. There it is. It was no one’s fault. He wasn’t even a high-risk baby or in a high-risk lifestyle. Our pediatrician had two SIDS cases in his entire career and he was no kid.” She turned to look up at him. “Sometimes I wish I could just die like that.”
Matt shook his head. “No, sweetheart, no. We’re going to go forward. We have things to live for, I’m sure of it.”
“That’s what Al said,” she said. “Go forward and have his brothers and sisters.”
“That’s a good idea.”
“You’d do that? With me?” she asked him.
“Sure. When we’re ready. There’s plenty of time. Make sure it’s what you want. Make sure I’m what you want.”
She put her fingers on his lips. “Matt, I never thought I’d have a man like you in my life.” She smiled weakly. “I sure didn’t think so at Peyton’s wedding when you went for my boob.”
“Ah, a defining moment. Impressive, wasn’t I?”
“Drunk and clumsy,” she said.
“Yeah, but I’m persistent. I’m with you now. What do you want to do, sweetheart? Stay here awhile? Go to my place and rest a little bit?”
“I just want to go home,” she said. “I need to go back to my life. Will I see you this weekend?”
“I’m taking you home, honey.”
“You’re following me?”
“Let me drive you. I’ve arranged for a day off. No one knows why, not even Ray. Just let me drive you, keep you safe.”
She looked up. “Please,” she said softly. “This is mine to do. I promise you I’ll be all right.”
He gave her a look of acquiescence. “Come here, angel,” he said, pulling her against his big hard chest. She leaned against him and cried for a little while, but not for too long. He just stroked her back until the tears passed.
“I’m okay, Al. Just a tough day, that’s all. And I will—let it pass, let him rest. I have a lot ahead that’s good.” She sniffed and reached for a tissue.
“Yes, you do,” he said, running her pretty hair behind her ear. “Would it be all right if I called you tomorrow night? Just to be sure you’re okay?”
“Yes. Sure. But I promise you...I might need a couple of days to be done with this but I promise you, I’m not going back to that dark place I was in when Ray Anne rescued me. That wouldn’t exactly do my baby proud, would it?”
* * *
Matt had to get a map from the mortuary office so that he could find the right grave. The security patrol had no trouble finding the location and handed a copy to Matt.
He was not at all surprised to see Ginger’s car parked along the road. And there she was, sitting on the cool grass about forty feet from the road.
He took the flowers from his mother’s garden to the spot, walking past Ginger to put them on the grave. There were lots of flowers already there. She looked up at him.
“Did someone tell you? Call you?”
He shook his head, then crouched to her level, sitting on the heel of his boot. “No one called. No one told me.”
“Then why are you here?” she asked, wiping a tear.
Matt sighed and sat on the ground. “You’ve been blue and I thought I might find you here. If you weren’t here I would have just left these flowers from our garden to mark the day of his death. I’m not surprised to see you but you could’ve told me. You can tell me anything, you know.”
“You just...came? You just... How did you know?”
“You went inside yourself,” he said, wiping a tear from her cheek. “I could think of a few possibilities. So I went to the newspaper archives online and found the obit. I wanted to pay my respects.”
“I wasn’t hiding it from you.”
“I know, baby. Come here,” he said, stretching out his long legs and pulling her onto his lap. “I know it’ll take a little time for us to know everything about each other but that’s okay. I think we’ve got the important stuff covered for now.”
“Like what?” she said, laying her head on his shoulder. “What’s important?”
“You love me,” he said. “I don’t have the best instincts with women but with you I feel different—like I know what you say is absolutely true. And I know I meant it when I said it to you. And I trust you. When you got quiet and wouldn’t tell me why I figured it was something you were still working out. You don’t have to say anything. But I’m listening when you’re talking. Okay?”
“Okay,” she said. “It was the worst day of my life.”
“I can believe that...”
“I called the paramedics. I tried to breathe for him, but it was too late. Sometimes I pulled him into bed with me but not that night. That night I put him in his crib where he died without my warmth close by. Part of me wishes I had him in bed with me, but then I would forever worry that I rolled over on him, suffocated him. And part of me is relieved he wasn’t in bed because then I didn’t hurt him... So the paramedics came and didn’t even try anything because he was gone, he’d been gone for a while. They let me hold him and we went to the hospital. I think they were breaking rules. I saw one of them crying; he was trying to hide it, but he had wet eyes and kept wiping them. At the hospital they asked for him and I wouldn’t give him up and I wailed. I went to the hospital in pajamas and not just any pajamas, the worst pajamas ever worn by the lowest vagrant—and I saved them, the pajamas. I saved his little onesie. And I wailed like a wounded animal and they had to give me a shot to get me to let go of the baby, of Josh.”
Matt started to rock her slightly, holding on tight, his lips against her hair.
“It was terrifying how crazed I was. And when they took him I couldn’t really believe he was dead. They did an autopsy, did you know? Because they had to make sure it wasn’t a disease or a homicide and oh, God...” She shook her head. “When I was able to see him again I didn’t believe it was him but I didn’t say anything because I knew they were this close to locking me up for being a lunatic.”
He kissed her temple. “Do you believe it now?” he asked in a whisper.
She nodded. “Yes. My baby died. There it is. It was no one’s fault. He wasn’t even a high-risk baby or in a high-risk lifestyle. Our pediatrician had two SIDS cases in his entire career and he was no kid.” She turned to look up at him. “Sometimes I wish I could just die like that.”
Matt shook his head. “No, sweetheart, no. We’re going to go forward. We have things to live for, I’m sure of it.”
“That’s what Al said,” she said. “Go forward and have his brothers and sisters.”
“That’s a good idea.”
“You’d do that? With me?” she asked him.
“Sure. When we’re ready. There’s plenty of time. Make sure it’s what you want. Make sure I’m what you want.”
She put her fingers on his lips. “Matt, I never thought I’d have a man like you in my life.” She smiled weakly. “I sure didn’t think so at Peyton’s wedding when you went for my boob.”
“Ah, a defining moment. Impressive, wasn’t I?”
“Drunk and clumsy,” she said.
“Yeah, but I’m persistent. I’m with you now. What do you want to do, sweetheart? Stay here awhile? Go to my place and rest a little bit?”
“I just want to go home,” she said. “I need to go back to my life. Will I see you this weekend?”
“I’m taking you home, honey.”
“You’re following me?”
