He sat down on the sofa and leaned back. They never would have made it, he and Natalie. Now, a couple of years later and a little wiser, he wondered how he ever thought they could. After all this time blaming Natalie, he wondered if the whole thing had been his fault.
But there had been a child. Maybe it had been a little girl with Natalie’s puffy, pouty lips and large eyes who would beg him to read one more story. Or a son who would ride on his shoulders and try to smuggle newborn lambs out of the lambing pens. A child of his own, a child who’d love him no matter how narrow-minded or difficult he was, just the way he loved Paco.
He felt the tears well up. Then he felt the waterworks turn on, a gulley washer, flowing down his cheeks. His nose followed suit and he wiped a shirtsleeve across it several times. All illusions about his relationship with Natalie were gone.
But there’d been a baby. A child of his own.
And for the first time since it had happened, Matt grieved.
Twenty
It was mid-August, school was starting in a couple of weeks and the night air had already chilled in Thunder Point. The flower shop was cool and Ginger wore a sweater. Grace had gone with Troy for some lunch. Soon Troy would be teaching again and his days would be spent at the high school.
Her cell phone rang. She looked at the display and saw it was Matt. She smiled broadly as she answered. “Well now, I hardly ever hear from you at this time of day!”
“I wanted to hear your voice,” he said. “I wanted to thank you for being the wonderful, thoughtful, sensitive woman you are.”
“Thank you, sweetheart. Are you coming down with a cold?”
“No, just a little sinus thing, I guess. Ginger, you were right. I had a conversation with Natalie. She heard I was getting married and she came to the farm. I...uh...made sure she would hear the news. I phoned the head of the biology department and told him I was getting married. I thought it might get her attention.”
Ginger was quiet for a moment. “And? Is she all right? Are you?”
“I made some terrible mistakes, I think. I know I did. I thought the life I chose for myself should have nothing to do with her. I never really listened to her. I treated her like a malcontent. A bitchy wife. It was like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. She was driven to such desperate measures.”
“Oh, Matt...”
“I was so busy being angry I never tried to understand what really went wrong. I swear to God, I won’t let that happen to us, Ginger.”
“You must be devastated,” she said.
“She wanted another chance. Can you even imagine what a mistake that would be?”
“I know,” she said softly. And she did know. It had been the same with Mick. If she had never wanted a traditional marriage and family, they could have been happy together for a long time. Of course, Mick needed someone who could be happy helping him achieve success in the music industry and there weren’t many women out there who could sacrifice all their own desires for someone else’s. How was that any different from women who married doctors or businessmen who single-mindedly concentrated on their own success and ignored their families? “I guess no one needs a marriage that leaves them lonely.”
“Lonely and disappointed,” Matt said. “No matter how many times she told me she just couldn’t be happy married to a farm, I didn’t listen to her.”
“Farmer,” Ginger said. “You mean, married to a farmer.”
“No, I meant farm. She needed my commitment and attention. I gave it to the farm instead. And then...and then there was a child who was lost.” His voice became thick again. “I think I would have liked being a father.”
It wasn’t some sinus thing, she realized. He was crying. Grieving. He tried to mask it but the revelation had taken an emotional toll. He regretted his mistakes in the marriage but he grieved the loss of his child. If she knew anything about Matt, and she thought she knew him pretty well, he hadn’t allowed himself to grieve before now.
“You will be a father,” she said. “You’ll be a wonderful father.”
“I think you knew a few things I never would have guessed,” he said. “I needed to face that loss. I was doing it alone and it just wasn’t working. I’ve never told anyone but you about that loss. I thought it just pissed me off. I didn’t know how deep it cut,” he said softly. His voice cracked.
“Where are you, Matt?” she asked.
“Oh, I’m alone. Of course. Hiding out in the little place I rented for us. Trying to get my shit together before anyone catches on that underneath it all, I’m just a regular human being.”
She let out a little laugh but there were tears on her cheeks. “A very remarkable human being,” she said. “That must have been so hard to do. I love you.”
“I wish you were here,” he said. “I’d hold on to you. You’re the ballast in my life.”
“Did you tell her she was forgiven?” Ginger asked.
“Yes, and I meant it. And I said I was sorry. And I meant that, too, because my God, what if I drove her to it? And just like you said would happen, I feel a little bit lighter. That was a load I didn’t need.”
And it opened the door to his grief, which was real and powerful, she thought. Holding that back must have been so tiring. Another heavy load that he didn’t need.
“Natalie probably did the best she could,” Matt said. “I’m not sure I did my best but we’ll never know...”
“Matt, we all do the best we can at the time. I know you—you’ve never in your life set out to do your worst.”
“Well, you might be wrong about that,” he said. “When I found out about the abortion I didn’t want anything but to punish her. I didn’t listen to her, comfort her, try to understand her or forgive her. I wanted to crush her.”
“And now you’ve both made amends,” Ginger said. “You were kind. You can let go of her and the anger now. Whenever you’re ready.”
“Did you, Ginger? Let go of the anger with Mick?”
“Sure,” she said. Then she gave a little laugh. “Mick is such a comical, one-dimensional character that complete annoyance with his shallowness hangs on, but mostly I feel sorry for him. He’s missing out on a lot.”
“We’re not going to do that—miss a lot,” he said. “I think we have an excellent shot at being ridiculously happy.”
But there had been a child. Maybe it had been a little girl with Natalie’s puffy, pouty lips and large eyes who would beg him to read one more story. Or a son who would ride on his shoulders and try to smuggle newborn lambs out of the lambing pens. A child of his own, a child who’d love him no matter how narrow-minded or difficult he was, just the way he loved Paco.
He felt the tears well up. Then he felt the waterworks turn on, a gulley washer, flowing down his cheeks. His nose followed suit and he wiped a shirtsleeve across it several times. All illusions about his relationship with Natalie were gone.
But there’d been a baby. A child of his own.
And for the first time since it had happened, Matt grieved.
Twenty
It was mid-August, school was starting in a couple of weeks and the night air had already chilled in Thunder Point. The flower shop was cool and Ginger wore a sweater. Grace had gone with Troy for some lunch. Soon Troy would be teaching again and his days would be spent at the high school.
Her cell phone rang. She looked at the display and saw it was Matt. She smiled broadly as she answered. “Well now, I hardly ever hear from you at this time of day!”
“I wanted to hear your voice,” he said. “I wanted to thank you for being the wonderful, thoughtful, sensitive woman you are.”
“Thank you, sweetheart. Are you coming down with a cold?”
“No, just a little sinus thing, I guess. Ginger, you were right. I had a conversation with Natalie. She heard I was getting married and she came to the farm. I...uh...made sure she would hear the news. I phoned the head of the biology department and told him I was getting married. I thought it might get her attention.”
Ginger was quiet for a moment. “And? Is she all right? Are you?”
“I made some terrible mistakes, I think. I know I did. I thought the life I chose for myself should have nothing to do with her. I never really listened to her. I treated her like a malcontent. A bitchy wife. It was like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. She was driven to such desperate measures.”
“Oh, Matt...”
“I was so busy being angry I never tried to understand what really went wrong. I swear to God, I won’t let that happen to us, Ginger.”
“You must be devastated,” she said.
“She wanted another chance. Can you even imagine what a mistake that would be?”
“I know,” she said softly. And she did know. It had been the same with Mick. If she had never wanted a traditional marriage and family, they could have been happy together for a long time. Of course, Mick needed someone who could be happy helping him achieve success in the music industry and there weren’t many women out there who could sacrifice all their own desires for someone else’s. How was that any different from women who married doctors or businessmen who single-mindedly concentrated on their own success and ignored their families? “I guess no one needs a marriage that leaves them lonely.”
“Lonely and disappointed,” Matt said. “No matter how many times she told me she just couldn’t be happy married to a farm, I didn’t listen to her.”
“Farmer,” Ginger said. “You mean, married to a farmer.”
“No, I meant farm. She needed my commitment and attention. I gave it to the farm instead. And then...and then there was a child who was lost.” His voice became thick again. “I think I would have liked being a father.”
It wasn’t some sinus thing, she realized. He was crying. Grieving. He tried to mask it but the revelation had taken an emotional toll. He regretted his mistakes in the marriage but he grieved the loss of his child. If she knew anything about Matt, and she thought she knew him pretty well, he hadn’t allowed himself to grieve before now.
“You will be a father,” she said. “You’ll be a wonderful father.”
“I think you knew a few things I never would have guessed,” he said. “I needed to face that loss. I was doing it alone and it just wasn’t working. I’ve never told anyone but you about that loss. I thought it just pissed me off. I didn’t know how deep it cut,” he said softly. His voice cracked.
“Where are you, Matt?” she asked.
“Oh, I’m alone. Of course. Hiding out in the little place I rented for us. Trying to get my shit together before anyone catches on that underneath it all, I’m just a regular human being.”
She let out a little laugh but there were tears on her cheeks. “A very remarkable human being,” she said. “That must have been so hard to do. I love you.”
“I wish you were here,” he said. “I’d hold on to you. You’re the ballast in my life.”
“Did you tell her she was forgiven?” Ginger asked.
“Yes, and I meant it. And I said I was sorry. And I meant that, too, because my God, what if I drove her to it? And just like you said would happen, I feel a little bit lighter. That was a load I didn’t need.”
And it opened the door to his grief, which was real and powerful, she thought. Holding that back must have been so tiring. Another heavy load that he didn’t need.
“Natalie probably did the best she could,” Matt said. “I’m not sure I did my best but we’ll never know...”
“Matt, we all do the best we can at the time. I know you—you’ve never in your life set out to do your worst.”
“Well, you might be wrong about that,” he said. “When I found out about the abortion I didn’t want anything but to punish her. I didn’t listen to her, comfort her, try to understand her or forgive her. I wanted to crush her.”
“And now you’ve both made amends,” Ginger said. “You were kind. You can let go of her and the anger now. Whenever you’re ready.”
“Did you, Ginger? Let go of the anger with Mick?”
“Sure,” she said. Then she gave a little laugh. “Mick is such a comical, one-dimensional character that complete annoyance with his shallowness hangs on, but mostly I feel sorry for him. He’s missing out on a lot.”
“We’re not going to do that—miss a lot,” he said. “I think we have an excellent shot at being ridiculously happy.”
