‘It’s good to see you. We don’t often get to see what happens afterwards.’
‘You did a great job. It was … Well, you were really kind. I remember that much.’
‘De nada.’
I stared at him.
‘De nada. Spanish. “It was nothing.” ’
‘Oh, okay, then. I take it all back. Thanks for nothing.’
He smiled and raised a paddle-sized hand.
Afterwards, I didn’t know what made me do it. ‘Hey.’
He looked back towards me. ‘It’s Sam, actually.’
‘Sam. I didn’t jump.’
‘Okay.’
‘No. Really. I mean, I know you’ve just seen me coming out of a grief-counselling group and everything but it’s – well, I just – I wouldn’t jump.’
He gave me a look that seemed to suggest he had seen and heard everything.
‘Good to know.’
We gazed at each other for a minute. Then he lifted his hand again. ‘Nice to see you, Louisa.’
He pulled on a helmet and Jake slid onto the bike behind him. I found myself watching as they pulled out of the car park. And because I was still watching I caught Jake’s exaggerated eye roll as he pulled on his own helmet. And then I remembered what he had said in the session.
The compulsive shagger.
‘Idiot,’ I told myself, and limped across the rest of the tarmac to where my car was boiling gently in the evening heat.
CHAPTER FIVE
I lived on the edge of the City. In case I was in any doubt, across the road stood a huge office-block-sized crater, surrounded by a developer’s hoarding, upon which was written: FARTHINGATE – WHERE THE CITY BEGINS. We existed at the exact point where the glossy glass temples to finance butted up against the grubby old brick and sash-windows of curry shops and twenty-four-hour grocers, of stripper pubs and minicab offices that resolutely refused to die. My block sat among those architectural refuseniks, a lead-stained, warehouse-style building staring at the steady onslaught of glass and steel and wondering how long it could survive, perhaps rescued by a hipster juice bar or pop-up retail experience. I knew nobody except Samir who ran the convenience store and the woman in the bagel bakery, who smiled at me in greeting but didn’t seem to speak any English.
Mostly this anonymity suited me. I had come here, after all, to escape my history, from feeling as if everyone knew every thing there was to know about me. And the City had begun to alter me. I had come to know my little corner of it, its rhythms and its danger points. I learned that if you gave money to the drunk at the bus station he would come and sit outside your flat for the next eight weeks; that if I had to walk through the estate at night it was wise to do it with my keys lodged between my fingers; that if I was walking out to get a late-night bottle of wine it was probably better not to glance at the group of young men huddled outside Kebab Korner. I was no longer disturbed by the persistent whump whump whump of the police helicopter overhead.
I could survive. Besides, I knew, more than anyone, that worse things could happen.
‘Hey.’
‘Hey, Lou. Can’t sleep again?’
‘It’s just gone ten o’clock here.’
‘So, what’s up?’
Nathan, Will’s former physio, had spent the last nine months working in New York for a middle-aged CEO with a Wall Street reputation, a four-storey townhouse and a muscular condition. Calling him in my sleepless small hours had become something of a habit. It was good to know there was someone who understood, out there in the dark, even if sometimes his news felt tinged with a series of small blows – everyone else has moved on. Everyone else has achieved something.
‘So how’s the Big Apple?’
‘Not bad?’ His Antipodean drawl made every answer a question.
I lay down on the sofa, pushing my feet up on the armrest. ‘Yeah. That doesn’t tell me a whole lot.’
‘Okay. Well, got a pay rise, so that was cool. Booked myself a flight home in a couple of weeks to see the olds. So that’ll be good. They’re over the moon because my sister’s having a baby. Oh, and I met a really fit bird in a bar down on Sixth Avenue and we were getting on real well so I asked her out, and when I told her what I did, she said sorry but she only went out with guys who wore suits to work.’ He laughed.
I found I was smiling. ‘So scrubs don’t count?’
‘Apparently not. Though she did say she might have changed her mind if I was an actual doctor.’ He laughed again. Nathan was made of equanimity. ‘It’s cool. Girls like that get all picky if you don’t take them to the right restaurants and stuff. Better to know sooner, right? How about you?’
I shrugged. ‘Getting there. Sort of.’
‘You still sleeping in his T-shirt?’
‘No. It stopped smelling of him. And it had started to get a bit unsavoury, if I’m honest. I washed it and I’ve packed it in tissue. But I’ve got his jumper for bad days.’
‘Good to have back-up.’
‘Oh, and I went to the grief-counselling group.’
‘How was it?’
‘Crap. I felt like a fraud.’
Nathan waited.
I shifted the pillow under my head. ‘Did I imagine it all, Nathan? Sometimes I think I’ve made what happened between Will and me so much bigger in my head. Like how can I have loved someone that much in such a short time? And all these things I think about the two of us – did we actually feel what I remember? The further we get from it, the more those six months just seems like this weird … dream.’
There was a tiny pause before Nathan responded. ‘You didn’t imagine it, mate.’
I rubbed my eyes. ‘Am I the only one? Still missing him?’
Another short silence.
‘Nah. He was a good bloke. The best.’
That was one of the things I liked about Nathan. He didn’t mind a lengthy phone silence. I finally sat up and blew my nose. ‘Anyway. I don’t think I’ll go back. I’m not sure it’s my thing.’
‘Give it a go, Lou. You can’t judge anything from one session.’
‘You sound like my dad.’
‘Well, he always was a sensible fella.’
I started at the sound of the doorbell. Nobody ever rang my doorbell, aside from Mrs Nellis in flat twelve, when the postman had accidentally swapped our mail. I doubted she was up at this hour. And I certainly was not in receipt of her Elizabethan Doll partwork magazine.
It rang again. A third time, shrill and insistent.
‘I’ve got to go. Someone’s at the door.’
‘Keep your pecker up, mate. You’ll be okay.’
I put the phone down and stood up warily. I had no friends nearby. I hadn’t worked out how you actually made them when you moved to a new area and spent most of your upright hours working. And if my parents had decided to stage an intervention and bring me back to Stortfold, they would have organized it between rush-hours as neither of them liked driving in the dark.
I waited, wondering if whoever it was would simply realize their mistake and go away. But it rang again, jarring and endless, as if they were now leaning against the bell.
I got up and walked to the door. ‘Who is it?’
‘I need to talk to you.’
‘You did a great job. It was … Well, you were really kind. I remember that much.’
‘De nada.’
I stared at him.
‘De nada. Spanish. “It was nothing.” ’
‘Oh, okay, then. I take it all back. Thanks for nothing.’
He smiled and raised a paddle-sized hand.
Afterwards, I didn’t know what made me do it. ‘Hey.’
He looked back towards me. ‘It’s Sam, actually.’
‘Sam. I didn’t jump.’
‘Okay.’
‘No. Really. I mean, I know you’ve just seen me coming out of a grief-counselling group and everything but it’s – well, I just – I wouldn’t jump.’
He gave me a look that seemed to suggest he had seen and heard everything.
‘Good to know.’
We gazed at each other for a minute. Then he lifted his hand again. ‘Nice to see you, Louisa.’
He pulled on a helmet and Jake slid onto the bike behind him. I found myself watching as they pulled out of the car park. And because I was still watching I caught Jake’s exaggerated eye roll as he pulled on his own helmet. And then I remembered what he had said in the session.
The compulsive shagger.
‘Idiot,’ I told myself, and limped across the rest of the tarmac to where my car was boiling gently in the evening heat.
CHAPTER FIVE
I lived on the edge of the City. In case I was in any doubt, across the road stood a huge office-block-sized crater, surrounded by a developer’s hoarding, upon which was written: FARTHINGATE – WHERE THE CITY BEGINS. We existed at the exact point where the glossy glass temples to finance butted up against the grubby old brick and sash-windows of curry shops and twenty-four-hour grocers, of stripper pubs and minicab offices that resolutely refused to die. My block sat among those architectural refuseniks, a lead-stained, warehouse-style building staring at the steady onslaught of glass and steel and wondering how long it could survive, perhaps rescued by a hipster juice bar or pop-up retail experience. I knew nobody except Samir who ran the convenience store and the woman in the bagel bakery, who smiled at me in greeting but didn’t seem to speak any English.
Mostly this anonymity suited me. I had come here, after all, to escape my history, from feeling as if everyone knew every thing there was to know about me. And the City had begun to alter me. I had come to know my little corner of it, its rhythms and its danger points. I learned that if you gave money to the drunk at the bus station he would come and sit outside your flat for the next eight weeks; that if I had to walk through the estate at night it was wise to do it with my keys lodged between my fingers; that if I was walking out to get a late-night bottle of wine it was probably better not to glance at the group of young men huddled outside Kebab Korner. I was no longer disturbed by the persistent whump whump whump of the police helicopter overhead.
I could survive. Besides, I knew, more than anyone, that worse things could happen.
‘Hey.’
‘Hey, Lou. Can’t sleep again?’
‘It’s just gone ten o’clock here.’
‘So, what’s up?’
Nathan, Will’s former physio, had spent the last nine months working in New York for a middle-aged CEO with a Wall Street reputation, a four-storey townhouse and a muscular condition. Calling him in my sleepless small hours had become something of a habit. It was good to know there was someone who understood, out there in the dark, even if sometimes his news felt tinged with a series of small blows – everyone else has moved on. Everyone else has achieved something.
‘So how’s the Big Apple?’
‘Not bad?’ His Antipodean drawl made every answer a question.
I lay down on the sofa, pushing my feet up on the armrest. ‘Yeah. That doesn’t tell me a whole lot.’
‘Okay. Well, got a pay rise, so that was cool. Booked myself a flight home in a couple of weeks to see the olds. So that’ll be good. They’re over the moon because my sister’s having a baby. Oh, and I met a really fit bird in a bar down on Sixth Avenue and we were getting on real well so I asked her out, and when I told her what I did, she said sorry but she only went out with guys who wore suits to work.’ He laughed.
I found I was smiling. ‘So scrubs don’t count?’
‘Apparently not. Though she did say she might have changed her mind if I was an actual doctor.’ He laughed again. Nathan was made of equanimity. ‘It’s cool. Girls like that get all picky if you don’t take them to the right restaurants and stuff. Better to know sooner, right? How about you?’
I shrugged. ‘Getting there. Sort of.’
‘You still sleeping in his T-shirt?’
‘No. It stopped smelling of him. And it had started to get a bit unsavoury, if I’m honest. I washed it and I’ve packed it in tissue. But I’ve got his jumper for bad days.’
‘Good to have back-up.’
‘Oh, and I went to the grief-counselling group.’
‘How was it?’
‘Crap. I felt like a fraud.’
Nathan waited.
I shifted the pillow under my head. ‘Did I imagine it all, Nathan? Sometimes I think I’ve made what happened between Will and me so much bigger in my head. Like how can I have loved someone that much in such a short time? And all these things I think about the two of us – did we actually feel what I remember? The further we get from it, the more those six months just seems like this weird … dream.’
There was a tiny pause before Nathan responded. ‘You didn’t imagine it, mate.’
I rubbed my eyes. ‘Am I the only one? Still missing him?’
Another short silence.
‘Nah. He was a good bloke. The best.’
That was one of the things I liked about Nathan. He didn’t mind a lengthy phone silence. I finally sat up and blew my nose. ‘Anyway. I don’t think I’ll go back. I’m not sure it’s my thing.’
‘Give it a go, Lou. You can’t judge anything from one session.’
‘You sound like my dad.’
‘Well, he always was a sensible fella.’
I started at the sound of the doorbell. Nobody ever rang my doorbell, aside from Mrs Nellis in flat twelve, when the postman had accidentally swapped our mail. I doubted she was up at this hour. And I certainly was not in receipt of her Elizabethan Doll partwork magazine.
It rang again. A third time, shrill and insistent.
‘I’ve got to go. Someone’s at the door.’
‘Keep your pecker up, mate. You’ll be okay.’
I put the phone down and stood up warily. I had no friends nearby. I hadn’t worked out how you actually made them when you moved to a new area and spent most of your upright hours working. And if my parents had decided to stage an intervention and bring me back to Stortfold, they would have organized it between rush-hours as neither of them liked driving in the dark.
I waited, wondering if whoever it was would simply realize their mistake and go away. But it rang again, jarring and endless, as if they were now leaning against the bell.
I got up and walked to the door. ‘Who is it?’
‘I need to talk to you.’
