He turned swiftly, and walked back across the bar. ‘What did you say?’
‘Nothing.’
‘Yes, you did.’
‘I said I’ll remember that for next time. Thank you very much for reminding me.’
I smiled sweetly at him.
He looked at me for several seconds longer than was comfortable for either of us. And then he said, ‘The cleaner is off sick again. You’ll need to do the Gents before you start on the bar.’
His gaze was steady, daring me to say something. I reminded myself that I could not afford to lose this job. I swallowed. ‘Right.’
‘Oh, and cubicle three’s a bit of a mess.’
‘Jolly good,’ I said.
He turned on his highly polished heel and walked back into the office. I sent mental voodoo arrows into the back of his head the whole way.
‘This week’s Moving On Circle is about guilt, survivor’s guilt, guilt that we didn’t do enough … It’s often this that keeps us from moving forward.’
Marc waited as we handed around the biscuit tin, then leaned forward on his plastic chair, his hands clasped in front of him. He ignored the low rumbling of discontent that there were no bourbon creams.
‘I used to get ever so impatient with Jilly,’ Fred said, into the silence. ‘When she had the dementia, I mean. She would put dirty plates back in the kitchen cupboards and I would find them days later and … I’m ashamed to say, I did shout at her a couple of times.’ He wiped at an eye. ‘She was such a houseproud woman, before. That was the worst thing.’
‘You lived with Jilly’s dementia for a long time, Fred. You’d have to have been superhuman not to find it a strain.’
‘Dirty plates would drive me mad,’ said Daphne. ‘I think I would have shouted something terrible.’
‘But it wasn’t her fault, was it?’ Fred straightened on his chair. ‘I think about those plates a lot. I wish I could go back. I’d wash them up without saying a word. Just give her a nice cuddle instead.’
‘I find myself fantasizing about men on the tube,’ said Natasha. ‘Sometimes when I’m riding up an escalator, I exchange a look with some random man going down. And before I’ve even got to the platform I’m building a whole relationship with him in my head. You know, where he runs back down the escalator because he just knows there’s something magical between us, and we stand there, gazing at each other, amid the crowds of commuters on the Piccadilly Line, and then we go for a drink, and before you know it, we’re –’
‘Sounds like a Richard Curtis movie,’ said William.
‘I like Richard Curtis movies,’ said Sunil. ‘Especially that one about the actress and the man in his pants.’
‘Shepherd’s Bush,’ said Daphne.
There was a short pause. ‘I think it’s Notting Hill, Daphne,’ Marc said.
‘I preferred Daphne’s version. What?’ said William, snorting. ‘We’re not allowed to laugh now?’
‘So in my head we’re getting married,’ said Natasha. ‘And then when we’re standing at the altar, I think, What am I doing? Olaf only died three years ago and I’m fantasizing about other men.’
Marc leaned back in his chair. ‘You don’t think that’s natural, after three years by yourself? To fantasize about other relationships?’
‘But if I had really loved Olaf, surely I wouldn’t think about anyone else.’
‘It’s not the Victorian age,’ said William. ‘You don’t have to wear widow’s weeds till you’re elderly.’
‘If it was me that died, I’d hate the thought of Olaf falling in love with someone else.’
‘You wouldn’t know,’ said William. ‘You’d be dead.’
‘What about you, Louisa?’ Marc had noticed my silence. ‘Do you suffer feelings of guilt?’
‘Can we – can we do someone else?’
‘I’m Catholic,’ said Daphne. ‘I feel guilty about everything. It’s the nuns, you know.’
‘What do you find difficult about this subject, Louisa?’
I took a swig of coffee. I felt everyone’s eyes on me. Come on, I told myself. I swallowed. ‘That I couldn’t stop him,’ I said. ‘Sometimes I think if I had been smarter, or … handled things differently … or just been more – I don’t know. More anything.’
‘You feel guilty about Bill’s death because you feel you could have stopped him?’
I pulled at a thread. When it came away in my hand it seemed to loosen something in my brain. ‘Also that I’m living a life that is so much less than the one I promised him I’d live. And guilt over the fact that he basically paid for my flat when my sister will probably never be able to afford one of her own. And guilt that I don’t even really like living in it, because it doesn’t feel like mine, and it feels wrong to make it nice because all I associate it with is the fact that W— Bill is dead and somehow I benefited from that.’
There was a short silence.
‘You shouldn’t feel guilty about property,’ said Daphne.
‘I wish someone would leave me a flat,’ said Sunil.
‘But that’s just a fairy tale ending, isn’t it? Man dies, everyone learns something, moves on, creates something wonderful out of his death.’ I was speaking without thinking now. ‘I’ve done none of those things. I’ve basically just failed at all of it.’
‘My dad cries nearly every time he shags someone who isn’t my mum,’ Jake blurted, twisting his hands together. He stared out from under his fringe. ‘He charms women into sleeping with him and then he gets off on being sad about it. It’s like as long as he feels guilty about it afterwards it’s okay.’
‘You think he uses his guilt as a crutch.’
‘I just think either you have sex and feel glad that you’re having all the sex –’
‘I wouldn’t feel guilty about having all the sex,’ said Fred.
‘Or you treat women like human beings and make sure you don’t have anything to feel guilty about. Or don’t even sleep with anyone, and treasure Mum’s memory until you’re actually ready to move on.’
His voice broke on treasure and his jaw tautened. We were used, by then, to the sudden stiffening of expressions, and an unspoken group courtesy meant that we each looked away until any potential tears subsided.
Marc’s voice was gentle. ‘Have you told your father how you feel, Jake?’
‘We don’t talk about Mum. He’s fine as long as, you know, we don’t actually mention her.’
‘That’s quite a burden for you to carry alone.’
‘Yeah. Well … That’s why I’m here, isn’t it?’
There was a short silence.
‘Have a biscuit, Jake darling,’ said Daphne, and we passed the tin back around the circle, vaguely reassured, in some way nobody could quite define, when Jake finally took one.
I kept thinking about Lily. I barely registered Sunil’s tale of weeping in the baked-goods section of the supermarket, and just about raised a sympathetic expression for Fred’s solitary marking of Jilly’s birthday with a bunch of foil balloons. For days now the whole episode with Lily had taken on the tenor of a dream, vivid and surreal.
‘Nothing.’
‘Yes, you did.’
‘I said I’ll remember that for next time. Thank you very much for reminding me.’
I smiled sweetly at him.
He looked at me for several seconds longer than was comfortable for either of us. And then he said, ‘The cleaner is off sick again. You’ll need to do the Gents before you start on the bar.’
His gaze was steady, daring me to say something. I reminded myself that I could not afford to lose this job. I swallowed. ‘Right.’
‘Oh, and cubicle three’s a bit of a mess.’
‘Jolly good,’ I said.
He turned on his highly polished heel and walked back into the office. I sent mental voodoo arrows into the back of his head the whole way.
‘This week’s Moving On Circle is about guilt, survivor’s guilt, guilt that we didn’t do enough … It’s often this that keeps us from moving forward.’
Marc waited as we handed around the biscuit tin, then leaned forward on his plastic chair, his hands clasped in front of him. He ignored the low rumbling of discontent that there were no bourbon creams.
‘I used to get ever so impatient with Jilly,’ Fred said, into the silence. ‘When she had the dementia, I mean. She would put dirty plates back in the kitchen cupboards and I would find them days later and … I’m ashamed to say, I did shout at her a couple of times.’ He wiped at an eye. ‘She was such a houseproud woman, before. That was the worst thing.’
‘You lived with Jilly’s dementia for a long time, Fred. You’d have to have been superhuman not to find it a strain.’
‘Dirty plates would drive me mad,’ said Daphne. ‘I think I would have shouted something terrible.’
‘But it wasn’t her fault, was it?’ Fred straightened on his chair. ‘I think about those plates a lot. I wish I could go back. I’d wash them up without saying a word. Just give her a nice cuddle instead.’
‘I find myself fantasizing about men on the tube,’ said Natasha. ‘Sometimes when I’m riding up an escalator, I exchange a look with some random man going down. And before I’ve even got to the platform I’m building a whole relationship with him in my head. You know, where he runs back down the escalator because he just knows there’s something magical between us, and we stand there, gazing at each other, amid the crowds of commuters on the Piccadilly Line, and then we go for a drink, and before you know it, we’re –’
‘Sounds like a Richard Curtis movie,’ said William.
‘I like Richard Curtis movies,’ said Sunil. ‘Especially that one about the actress and the man in his pants.’
‘Shepherd’s Bush,’ said Daphne.
There was a short pause. ‘I think it’s Notting Hill, Daphne,’ Marc said.
‘I preferred Daphne’s version. What?’ said William, snorting. ‘We’re not allowed to laugh now?’
‘So in my head we’re getting married,’ said Natasha. ‘And then when we’re standing at the altar, I think, What am I doing? Olaf only died three years ago and I’m fantasizing about other men.’
Marc leaned back in his chair. ‘You don’t think that’s natural, after three years by yourself? To fantasize about other relationships?’
‘But if I had really loved Olaf, surely I wouldn’t think about anyone else.’
‘It’s not the Victorian age,’ said William. ‘You don’t have to wear widow’s weeds till you’re elderly.’
‘If it was me that died, I’d hate the thought of Olaf falling in love with someone else.’
‘You wouldn’t know,’ said William. ‘You’d be dead.’
‘What about you, Louisa?’ Marc had noticed my silence. ‘Do you suffer feelings of guilt?’
‘Can we – can we do someone else?’
‘I’m Catholic,’ said Daphne. ‘I feel guilty about everything. It’s the nuns, you know.’
‘What do you find difficult about this subject, Louisa?’
I took a swig of coffee. I felt everyone’s eyes on me. Come on, I told myself. I swallowed. ‘That I couldn’t stop him,’ I said. ‘Sometimes I think if I had been smarter, or … handled things differently … or just been more – I don’t know. More anything.’
‘You feel guilty about Bill’s death because you feel you could have stopped him?’
I pulled at a thread. When it came away in my hand it seemed to loosen something in my brain. ‘Also that I’m living a life that is so much less than the one I promised him I’d live. And guilt over the fact that he basically paid for my flat when my sister will probably never be able to afford one of her own. And guilt that I don’t even really like living in it, because it doesn’t feel like mine, and it feels wrong to make it nice because all I associate it with is the fact that W— Bill is dead and somehow I benefited from that.’
There was a short silence.
‘You shouldn’t feel guilty about property,’ said Daphne.
‘I wish someone would leave me a flat,’ said Sunil.
‘But that’s just a fairy tale ending, isn’t it? Man dies, everyone learns something, moves on, creates something wonderful out of his death.’ I was speaking without thinking now. ‘I’ve done none of those things. I’ve basically just failed at all of it.’
‘My dad cries nearly every time he shags someone who isn’t my mum,’ Jake blurted, twisting his hands together. He stared out from under his fringe. ‘He charms women into sleeping with him and then he gets off on being sad about it. It’s like as long as he feels guilty about it afterwards it’s okay.’
‘You think he uses his guilt as a crutch.’
‘I just think either you have sex and feel glad that you’re having all the sex –’
‘I wouldn’t feel guilty about having all the sex,’ said Fred.
‘Or you treat women like human beings and make sure you don’t have anything to feel guilty about. Or don’t even sleep with anyone, and treasure Mum’s memory until you’re actually ready to move on.’
His voice broke on treasure and his jaw tautened. We were used, by then, to the sudden stiffening of expressions, and an unspoken group courtesy meant that we each looked away until any potential tears subsided.
Marc’s voice was gentle. ‘Have you told your father how you feel, Jake?’
‘We don’t talk about Mum. He’s fine as long as, you know, we don’t actually mention her.’
‘That’s quite a burden for you to carry alone.’
‘Yeah. Well … That’s why I’m here, isn’t it?’
There was a short silence.
‘Have a biscuit, Jake darling,’ said Daphne, and we passed the tin back around the circle, vaguely reassured, in some way nobody could quite define, when Jake finally took one.
I kept thinking about Lily. I barely registered Sunil’s tale of weeping in the baked-goods section of the supermarket, and just about raised a sympathetic expression for Fred’s solitary marking of Jilly’s birthday with a bunch of foil balloons. For days now the whole episode with Lily had taken on the tenor of a dream, vivid and surreal.
