Tanya Houghton-Miller sat back in the endless cushions of her cream sofa and stirred her coffee. I perched on the edge of the sofa opposite, gazing at the oversized Diptyque candles and the artfully placed Interiors magazines. I was slightly afraid that if I sat back as she had, my coffee would tip into my lap.
‘How did you meet my daughter?’ she said wearily. Her wedding finger sported two of the biggest diamonds I’d ever seen.
‘I didn’t, really. She turned up at my flat. I had no idea who she was.’
She digested that for a minute. ‘And you used to look after Will Traynor.’
‘Yes. Until he died.’
There was a brief pause as we both studied the ceiling – something had just crashed above our heads. ‘My sons.’ She sighed. ‘They have some behavioural issues.’
‘Are they from your … ?’
‘They’re not Will’s, if that’s what you’re asking.’
We sat there in silence. Or as near to silence as it could get when you could hear furious screaming upstairs. There was another thud, followed by an ominous silence.
‘Mrs Houghton-Miller,’ I said. ‘Is it true? Is Lily Will’s daughter?’
She raised her chin slightly. ‘Yes.’
I felt suddenly shaky, and put my coffee cup on the table. ‘I don’t understand. I don’t understand how –’
‘It’s quite simple. Will and I were together during the last year of uni. I was totally in love with him, of course. Everyone was. Although I should say it wasn’t all one-way traffic – you know?’ She raised a small smile and waited, as if expecting me to say something.
I couldn’t. How could Will not have told me he had a daughter? After everything we had been through?
Tanya drawled on: ‘Anyway. We were the golden couple of our group. Balls, punting, weekends away, you know the drill. Will and I – well, we were everywhere.’ She told the story as if it were still fresh to her, as if it were something she had gone over and over in her head. ‘And then at our Founders’ Ball, I had to leave to help my friend Liza, who had got herself into a bit of a mess, and when I came back, Will was gone. No idea where he was. So I waited there for ages, and all the cars came and took everyone home, and finally a girl I didn’t even know very well came up to me and told me that Will had gone off with a girl called Stephanie Loudon. You won’t know her but she’d had her eye on him for ever. At first I didn’t believe it, but I drove to her house anyway, and sat outside, and sure enough, at five a.m. he came out and they stood there kissing on the doorstep, like they couldn’t care who saw. And when I got out of the car and confronted him, he didn’t even have the grace to be ashamed. He just said there was no point in us getting emotional as we were never going to last beyond college anyway.
‘And then, of course, college finished, which was something of a relief, to be honest, because who wants to be the girl Will Traynor dumped? But it was so hard to get over, because it had ended so abruptly. After we left and he started work in the City I wrote to him asking if we could at least meet for a drink so I could work out what on earth had gone wrong. Because, as far as I was concerned, we had been really happy, you know? And he just got his secretary to send this – this card, saying she was very sorry but Will’s diary was absolutely full and he didn’t have time right now but he wished me all the best. “All the best”.’ She grimaced.
I winced internally. Much as I wanted to discount her story, this version of Will held a horrible ring of truth. Will himself had looked back at his earlier life with utter clarity, had confessed how badly he had treated women when he was younger. (His exact words were: ‘I was a complete arse.’)
Tanya was still talking. ‘And then, about two months later, I discovered I was pregnant. And it was already awfully late because my periods had always been erratic and I hadn’t realized I’d already missed two. So I decided to go ahead and have Lily. But –’ here she lifted her chin again, as if braced to defend herself – ‘there was no point in telling him. Not after everything he’d said and done.’
My coffee had gone cold. ‘No point in telling him?’
‘He’d as good as said he didn’t want anything to do with me. He would have acted as if I’d done it deliberately, to trap him or something.’
My mouth was hanging open. I closed it. ‘But you – you don’t think he had the right to know, Mrs Houghton-Miller? You don’t think he might have wanted to meet his child? Regardless of what had happened between the two of you?’
She put down her cup.
‘She’s sixteen,’ I said. ‘She would have been fourteen, fifteen when he died. That’s an awful long –’
‘And by that time she had Francis. He was her father. And he has been very good to her. We were a family. Are a family.’
‘I don’t understand –’
‘Will didn’t deserve to know her.’
The words settled in the air between us.
‘He was an arsehole. Okay? Will Traynor was a selfish arsehole.’ She pushed a strand of hair back from her face. ‘Obviously I didn’t know what had happened to him. That came as a complete shock. But I can’t honestly say it would have made a difference.’
It took me a moment to find my voice. ‘It would have made every difference. To him.’
She looked at me sharply.
‘Will killed himself,’ I said, and my voice cracked a little. ‘Will ended his life because he couldn’t see any reason to go on. If he’d known he had a daughter –’
She stood up. ‘Oh, no. You don’t pin that on me, Miss Whoever-you-are. I am not going to be made to feel responsible for that man’s suicide. You think my life isn’t complicated enough? Don’t you dare come here judging me. If you’d had to cope with half of what I cope with … No. Will Traynor was a horrible man.’
‘Will Traynor was the finest man I ever knew.’
She let her gaze run up and down me. ‘Yes. Well, I can imagine that’s probably true.’
I thought I had never been filled with such an instant dislike for someone.
I had stood to leave when a voice broke into the silence. ‘So my dad really didn’t know about me.’
Lily was standing very still in the doorway. Tanya Houghton-Miller blanched. Then she recovered herself. ‘I was saving you from hurt, Lily. I knew Will very well, and I was not prepared to put either of us through the humiliation of trying to persuade him to be part of a relationship he wouldn’t have wanted.’ She smoothed her hair. ‘And you really must stop this awful eavesdropping habit. You’re likely to get quite the wrong end of the stick.’
I couldn’t listen to any more. I walked to the door as a boy began shouting upstairs. A plastic truck flew down the stairs and crashed into pieces somewhere below. An anxious face – Filipina? – gazed at me over the banister. I began to walk down the stairs.
‘Where are you going?’
‘I’m sorry, Lily. We’ll – perhaps we’ll talk some other time.’
‘But you’ve hardly told me anything about my dad.’
‘He wasn’t your father,’ Tanya Houghton-Miller said. ‘Francis has done more for you since you were little than Will ever would have done.’
‘How did you meet my daughter?’ she said wearily. Her wedding finger sported two of the biggest diamonds I’d ever seen.
‘I didn’t, really. She turned up at my flat. I had no idea who she was.’
She digested that for a minute. ‘And you used to look after Will Traynor.’
‘Yes. Until he died.’
There was a brief pause as we both studied the ceiling – something had just crashed above our heads. ‘My sons.’ She sighed. ‘They have some behavioural issues.’
‘Are they from your … ?’
‘They’re not Will’s, if that’s what you’re asking.’
We sat there in silence. Or as near to silence as it could get when you could hear furious screaming upstairs. There was another thud, followed by an ominous silence.
‘Mrs Houghton-Miller,’ I said. ‘Is it true? Is Lily Will’s daughter?’
She raised her chin slightly. ‘Yes.’
I felt suddenly shaky, and put my coffee cup on the table. ‘I don’t understand. I don’t understand how –’
‘It’s quite simple. Will and I were together during the last year of uni. I was totally in love with him, of course. Everyone was. Although I should say it wasn’t all one-way traffic – you know?’ She raised a small smile and waited, as if expecting me to say something.
I couldn’t. How could Will not have told me he had a daughter? After everything we had been through?
Tanya drawled on: ‘Anyway. We were the golden couple of our group. Balls, punting, weekends away, you know the drill. Will and I – well, we were everywhere.’ She told the story as if it were still fresh to her, as if it were something she had gone over and over in her head. ‘And then at our Founders’ Ball, I had to leave to help my friend Liza, who had got herself into a bit of a mess, and when I came back, Will was gone. No idea where he was. So I waited there for ages, and all the cars came and took everyone home, and finally a girl I didn’t even know very well came up to me and told me that Will had gone off with a girl called Stephanie Loudon. You won’t know her but she’d had her eye on him for ever. At first I didn’t believe it, but I drove to her house anyway, and sat outside, and sure enough, at five a.m. he came out and they stood there kissing on the doorstep, like they couldn’t care who saw. And when I got out of the car and confronted him, he didn’t even have the grace to be ashamed. He just said there was no point in us getting emotional as we were never going to last beyond college anyway.
‘And then, of course, college finished, which was something of a relief, to be honest, because who wants to be the girl Will Traynor dumped? But it was so hard to get over, because it had ended so abruptly. After we left and he started work in the City I wrote to him asking if we could at least meet for a drink so I could work out what on earth had gone wrong. Because, as far as I was concerned, we had been really happy, you know? And he just got his secretary to send this – this card, saying she was very sorry but Will’s diary was absolutely full and he didn’t have time right now but he wished me all the best. “All the best”.’ She grimaced.
I winced internally. Much as I wanted to discount her story, this version of Will held a horrible ring of truth. Will himself had looked back at his earlier life with utter clarity, had confessed how badly he had treated women when he was younger. (His exact words were: ‘I was a complete arse.’)
Tanya was still talking. ‘And then, about two months later, I discovered I was pregnant. And it was already awfully late because my periods had always been erratic and I hadn’t realized I’d already missed two. So I decided to go ahead and have Lily. But –’ here she lifted her chin again, as if braced to defend herself – ‘there was no point in telling him. Not after everything he’d said and done.’
My coffee had gone cold. ‘No point in telling him?’
‘He’d as good as said he didn’t want anything to do with me. He would have acted as if I’d done it deliberately, to trap him or something.’
My mouth was hanging open. I closed it. ‘But you – you don’t think he had the right to know, Mrs Houghton-Miller? You don’t think he might have wanted to meet his child? Regardless of what had happened between the two of you?’
She put down her cup.
‘She’s sixteen,’ I said. ‘She would have been fourteen, fifteen when he died. That’s an awful long –’
‘And by that time she had Francis. He was her father. And he has been very good to her. We were a family. Are a family.’
‘I don’t understand –’
‘Will didn’t deserve to know her.’
The words settled in the air between us.
‘He was an arsehole. Okay? Will Traynor was a selfish arsehole.’ She pushed a strand of hair back from her face. ‘Obviously I didn’t know what had happened to him. That came as a complete shock. But I can’t honestly say it would have made a difference.’
It took me a moment to find my voice. ‘It would have made every difference. To him.’
She looked at me sharply.
‘Will killed himself,’ I said, and my voice cracked a little. ‘Will ended his life because he couldn’t see any reason to go on. If he’d known he had a daughter –’
She stood up. ‘Oh, no. You don’t pin that on me, Miss Whoever-you-are. I am not going to be made to feel responsible for that man’s suicide. You think my life isn’t complicated enough? Don’t you dare come here judging me. If you’d had to cope with half of what I cope with … No. Will Traynor was a horrible man.’
‘Will Traynor was the finest man I ever knew.’
She let her gaze run up and down me. ‘Yes. Well, I can imagine that’s probably true.’
I thought I had never been filled with such an instant dislike for someone.
I had stood to leave when a voice broke into the silence. ‘So my dad really didn’t know about me.’
Lily was standing very still in the doorway. Tanya Houghton-Miller blanched. Then she recovered herself. ‘I was saving you from hurt, Lily. I knew Will very well, and I was not prepared to put either of us through the humiliation of trying to persuade him to be part of a relationship he wouldn’t have wanted.’ She smoothed her hair. ‘And you really must stop this awful eavesdropping habit. You’re likely to get quite the wrong end of the stick.’
I couldn’t listen to any more. I walked to the door as a boy began shouting upstairs. A plastic truck flew down the stairs and crashed into pieces somewhere below. An anxious face – Filipina? – gazed at me over the banister. I began to walk down the stairs.
‘Where are you going?’
‘I’m sorry, Lily. We’ll – perhaps we’ll talk some other time.’
‘But you’ve hardly told me anything about my dad.’
‘He wasn’t your father,’ Tanya Houghton-Miller said. ‘Francis has done more for you since you were little than Will ever would have done.’
