One of the girls sucked her teeth audibly.
‘Four minutes,’ I said slowly. ‘I’m counting.’
Perhaps my righteous anger gave me some authority. Perhaps they were actually less brave than they appeared. One by one they clambered to their feet and sloped past me to the open front door. As the last of the boys left, he ostentatiously lifted his hand and dropped a can on the hall floor so that beer sprayed up the wall and over the carpet. I kicked the door shut behind them and picked it up. By the time I got to Lily, I was shaking with anger. ‘What the hell do you think you’re playing at?’
‘Jesus. It was just a few friends, okay?’
‘This is not your flat, Lily. It is not your place to bring people back as you see fit …’ A sudden flashback: that strange sense of dislocation when I had returned home a week ago. ‘Oh, my God. You’ve done this before, haven’t you? Last week. You had people home and then left before I got back.’
Lily climbed unsteadily to her feet. She pulled down her skirt and ran her hand through her hair, tugging at the tangles. Her eyeliner was smudged, and she had what could have been a bruise, or perhaps a hickey, on her neck. ‘God. Why do you have to make such a big deal out of everything? They were just people, okay?’
‘In my home.’
‘Well, it’s hardly a home, is it? It’s got no furniture, and nothing personal. You haven’t even got pictures on your walls. It’s like … a garage. A garage without a car. I’ve actually seen homelier petrol stations.’
‘What I do with my home is none of your business.’
She let out a small belch and fanned the air in front of her mouth. ‘Ugh. Kebab breath.’ She padded to the kitchen where she opened three cupboards until she found a glass. She filled it and gulped down the water. ‘And you haven’t even got a proper television. I didn’t know people still had eighteen-inch televisions.’
I began to pick up the cans, shoving them into a plastic bag. ‘So who were they?’
‘I don’t know. Just some people.’
‘You don’t know?’
‘Friends.’ She sounded irritated. ‘People I know from clubbing.’
‘You met them in a club?’
‘Yes. Clubbing. Blah blah blah. It’s like you’re being deliberately thick. Yes. Just some friends I met in a club. It’s what normal people do, you know? Have friends they go out with.’
She threw the glass into the washing-up bowl – I heard it crack – and stalked resentfully out of the kitchen.
I stared at her, my heart suddenly sinking. I ran next door to my room, and opened my top drawer. I riffled through my socks, looking for the little jewellery box that contained my grandmother’s chain and wedding ring. I stopped and took a deep breath, telling myself I couldn’t see them because I was panicking. It would be there. Of course it would. I began picking up the contents of the drawer, carefully checking through them and throwing them onto the bed.
‘Did they come in here?’ I shouted.
Lily appeared in the doorway. ‘Did what?’
‘Your friends. Did they come in my bedroom? Where’s my jewellery?’
Lily seemed to wake up a little. ‘Jewellery?’
‘Oh, no. Oh, no.’ I opened all my drawers, began dumping the contents on the floor. ‘Where is it? And where’s my emergency cash?’ I turned to her. ‘Who were they? What were their names?’
Lily had gone quiet.
‘Lily!’
‘I – I don’t know.’
‘What do you mean you don’t know? You said they were your friends.’
‘Just … clubbing friends. Mitch. And … Lise and – I can’t remember.’
I ran for the door, belted along the corridor and hurled myself down the four flights of stairs. But by the time I reached the front door the corridor and the street beyond were empty, but for the late bus to Waterloo sailing gently, illuminated, down the middle of the dark road.
I stood in the doorway, panting. Then I closed my eyes, fighting back tears, dropping my hands to my knees as I realized what I had lost: my grandmother’s ring, the fine gold chain, with the little pendant she had worn from when I was a child. I knew already I would never see it again. There were so few things to pass down in my family, and now even that was gone.
I walked slowly back up the stairs.
Lily was standing in the hallway when I opened the front door. ‘I’m really sorry,’ she said quietly. ‘I didn’t know they would steal your stuff.’
‘Go away, Lily,’ I said.
‘They seemed really nice. I – I should have thought –’
‘I’ve been at work for thirteen hours. I need to find out what I’ve lost and then I want to go to sleep. Your mother is back from her holiday. Please just go home.’
‘But I –’
‘No. No more.’ I straightened up slowly, taking a moment to catch my breath. ‘You know the real difference between you and your dad? Even when he was at his unhappiest he wouldn’t have treated anyone like this.’
She looked as if I’d slapped her. I didn’t care.
‘I can’t do this any more, Lily.’ I pulled a twenty-pound note from my purse and handed it to her. ‘There. For your taxi.’
She looked at it, then at me, and swallowed. She ran a hand through her hair and walked slowly back into the living room.
I took off my jacket, and stood staring at my reflection in the little mirror above my chest of drawers. I looked pale, exhausted, defeated. ‘And leave your keys,’ I said.
There was a short silence. I heard the clatter as they were dropped on the kitchen counter, and then, with a click, the front door closed and she was gone.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
I messed it all up, Will.
I hauled my knees up to my chest. I tried to imagine what he would have said if he could see me then, but I could no longer hear his voice in my head and that small fact made me even sadder.
What do I do now?
I understood I could not stay in the flat that Will’s legacy had bought me. It felt as if it were steeped in my failures, a bonus prize I had failed to earn. How could you make a home in a place that had come to you for all the wrong reasons? I would sell it and invest the money somewhere. But where would I go instead?
I thought of my job, the reflexive way my stomach now clenched when I heard Celtic pan pipes, even on television; the way Richard made me feel useless, worthless.
I thought of Lily, noting the peculiar weight of the silence that resulted when you knew without doubt that nobody but you would be in your home. I wondered where she was, and pushed the thought away.
The rain eased off, slowing and ceasing almost apologetically, as if the weather were admitting it hadn’t really known what had got into it. I pulled on some clothes, vacuumed the flat, and put out the bin-bags of party-related rubbish. I walked to the flower market, mostly to give myself something to do. Always better to get out and about, Marc said. I might feel better for being in the thick of Columbia Road, with its gaudy displays of blooms and its slow-moving crowds of shoppers. I fixed my face into a smile, frightened Samir when I bought myself an apple (‘Are you on drugs, man?’) and headed off into a sea of flowers.
‘Four minutes,’ I said slowly. ‘I’m counting.’
Perhaps my righteous anger gave me some authority. Perhaps they were actually less brave than they appeared. One by one they clambered to their feet and sloped past me to the open front door. As the last of the boys left, he ostentatiously lifted his hand and dropped a can on the hall floor so that beer sprayed up the wall and over the carpet. I kicked the door shut behind them and picked it up. By the time I got to Lily, I was shaking with anger. ‘What the hell do you think you’re playing at?’
‘Jesus. It was just a few friends, okay?’
‘This is not your flat, Lily. It is not your place to bring people back as you see fit …’ A sudden flashback: that strange sense of dislocation when I had returned home a week ago. ‘Oh, my God. You’ve done this before, haven’t you? Last week. You had people home and then left before I got back.’
Lily climbed unsteadily to her feet. She pulled down her skirt and ran her hand through her hair, tugging at the tangles. Her eyeliner was smudged, and she had what could have been a bruise, or perhaps a hickey, on her neck. ‘God. Why do you have to make such a big deal out of everything? They were just people, okay?’
‘In my home.’
‘Well, it’s hardly a home, is it? It’s got no furniture, and nothing personal. You haven’t even got pictures on your walls. It’s like … a garage. A garage without a car. I’ve actually seen homelier petrol stations.’
‘What I do with my home is none of your business.’
She let out a small belch and fanned the air in front of her mouth. ‘Ugh. Kebab breath.’ She padded to the kitchen where she opened three cupboards until she found a glass. She filled it and gulped down the water. ‘And you haven’t even got a proper television. I didn’t know people still had eighteen-inch televisions.’
I began to pick up the cans, shoving them into a plastic bag. ‘So who were they?’
‘I don’t know. Just some people.’
‘You don’t know?’
‘Friends.’ She sounded irritated. ‘People I know from clubbing.’
‘You met them in a club?’
‘Yes. Clubbing. Blah blah blah. It’s like you’re being deliberately thick. Yes. Just some friends I met in a club. It’s what normal people do, you know? Have friends they go out with.’
She threw the glass into the washing-up bowl – I heard it crack – and stalked resentfully out of the kitchen.
I stared at her, my heart suddenly sinking. I ran next door to my room, and opened my top drawer. I riffled through my socks, looking for the little jewellery box that contained my grandmother’s chain and wedding ring. I stopped and took a deep breath, telling myself I couldn’t see them because I was panicking. It would be there. Of course it would. I began picking up the contents of the drawer, carefully checking through them and throwing them onto the bed.
‘Did they come in here?’ I shouted.
Lily appeared in the doorway. ‘Did what?’
‘Your friends. Did they come in my bedroom? Where’s my jewellery?’
Lily seemed to wake up a little. ‘Jewellery?’
‘Oh, no. Oh, no.’ I opened all my drawers, began dumping the contents on the floor. ‘Where is it? And where’s my emergency cash?’ I turned to her. ‘Who were they? What were their names?’
Lily had gone quiet.
‘Lily!’
‘I – I don’t know.’
‘What do you mean you don’t know? You said they were your friends.’
‘Just … clubbing friends. Mitch. And … Lise and – I can’t remember.’
I ran for the door, belted along the corridor and hurled myself down the four flights of stairs. But by the time I reached the front door the corridor and the street beyond were empty, but for the late bus to Waterloo sailing gently, illuminated, down the middle of the dark road.
I stood in the doorway, panting. Then I closed my eyes, fighting back tears, dropping my hands to my knees as I realized what I had lost: my grandmother’s ring, the fine gold chain, with the little pendant she had worn from when I was a child. I knew already I would never see it again. There were so few things to pass down in my family, and now even that was gone.
I walked slowly back up the stairs.
Lily was standing in the hallway when I opened the front door. ‘I’m really sorry,’ she said quietly. ‘I didn’t know they would steal your stuff.’
‘Go away, Lily,’ I said.
‘They seemed really nice. I – I should have thought –’
‘I’ve been at work for thirteen hours. I need to find out what I’ve lost and then I want to go to sleep. Your mother is back from her holiday. Please just go home.’
‘But I –’
‘No. No more.’ I straightened up slowly, taking a moment to catch my breath. ‘You know the real difference between you and your dad? Even when he was at his unhappiest he wouldn’t have treated anyone like this.’
She looked as if I’d slapped her. I didn’t care.
‘I can’t do this any more, Lily.’ I pulled a twenty-pound note from my purse and handed it to her. ‘There. For your taxi.’
She looked at it, then at me, and swallowed. She ran a hand through her hair and walked slowly back into the living room.
I took off my jacket, and stood staring at my reflection in the little mirror above my chest of drawers. I looked pale, exhausted, defeated. ‘And leave your keys,’ I said.
There was a short silence. I heard the clatter as they were dropped on the kitchen counter, and then, with a click, the front door closed and she was gone.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
I messed it all up, Will.
I hauled my knees up to my chest. I tried to imagine what he would have said if he could see me then, but I could no longer hear his voice in my head and that small fact made me even sadder.
What do I do now?
I understood I could not stay in the flat that Will’s legacy had bought me. It felt as if it were steeped in my failures, a bonus prize I had failed to earn. How could you make a home in a place that had come to you for all the wrong reasons? I would sell it and invest the money somewhere. But where would I go instead?
I thought of my job, the reflexive way my stomach now clenched when I heard Celtic pan pipes, even on television; the way Richard made me feel useless, worthless.
I thought of Lily, noting the peculiar weight of the silence that resulted when you knew without doubt that nobody but you would be in your home. I wondered where she was, and pushed the thought away.
The rain eased off, slowing and ceasing almost apologetically, as if the weather were admitting it hadn’t really known what had got into it. I pulled on some clothes, vacuumed the flat, and put out the bin-bags of party-related rubbish. I walked to the flower market, mostly to give myself something to do. Always better to get out and about, Marc said. I might feel better for being in the thick of Columbia Road, with its gaudy displays of blooms and its slow-moving crowds of shoppers. I fixed my face into a smile, frightened Samir when I bought myself an apple (‘Are you on drugs, man?’) and headed off into a sea of flowers.
