‘Do you know how stifling it is to be told you’re never going to be able to change? For the rest of your life? Because nobody else wants you to? Do you know how awful it is to feel stuck?’
I nodded vigorously. I did. I really did. ‘I’m sure Dad doesn’t mean for you to feel like that – but listen, I –’
‘I even suggested he take a course at the night school. Something he might like – you know, repairing antiques or life drawing or something. I don’t mind him looking at the nudies! I thought we could grow together! That’s the kind of wife I’m trying to be, the kind that doesn’t even mind her husband looking at nudies, if it’s in the name of culture … But he’s all “What would I want to go down there for?” It’s like he’s got the ruddy menopause. And as for the rabbiting on about me not shaving my legs! Oh, my days. He’s so hypocritical. Do you know how long the hairs in his nostrils are, Louisa?’
‘N-no.’
‘I’ll tell you! He could wipe his plate with them. For the last fifteen years, I’ve been the one telling the barber to give him a trim up there, you know? Like he’s some kind of child. Do I mind? No! Because that’s the way he is. He’s a human being! Nose hair and all! But if I dare not to be as smooth as a ruddy baby’s bottom he acts like I’ve turned into flipping Chewbacca!’
It was ten minutes to six. Sam would be heading out at half past. I sighed, and pulled my towel around me.
‘So … um … how long do you think you’ll be here?’
‘Well, now, I don’t know.’ Mum took a sip of her tea. ‘We’ve got the social services bringing Granddad his lunch now so it’s not like I’ve got to be there all the time. I might just stay for a few days. We had a lovely time last time I was here, didn’t we? We could go and see Maria in the toilets tomorrow. Wouldn’t that be nice!’
‘Lovely.’
‘Right. Well, I’ll make up the spare bed. Where is the spare bed?’
We had just stood up when the buzzer went again. I opened the door, expecting a random pizza delivery, but there stood Treena and Thom and, behind them, his hands jammed into his trouser pockets like a recalcitrant teenager, my father.
She didn’t even look at me. She just walked in past me. ‘Mum. This is ridiculous. You can’t just run away from Dad. How old are you? Fourteen?’
‘I am not running away, Treena. I am giving myself breathing space.’
‘Well, we’re going to sit here until you two have sorted this ridiculous thing out. You know he’s been sleeping in his van, Lou?’
‘What? You didn’t tell me that.’ I turned to Mum.
She lifted her chin. ‘You didn’t give me a chance, with all your talking.’
Mum and Dad stood there not looking at each other.
‘I have nothing to say to your father right now,’ Mum said.
‘Sit down,’ said Treena. ‘The both of you.’ They shuffled towards the sofa, casting mute glances of resentment at each other. She turned to me. ‘Right. Let’s make tea. And then we’re going to sort this out as a family.’
‘Great idea!’ I said, sensing my chance. ‘There’s milk in the fridge. Tea’s on the side. Help yourselves. I’ve got to pop out for half an hour.’ And before anyone could stop me I had whipped on a pair of jeans and a top and was running out of the flat with my car keys.
I saw him even as I turned the car into the ambulance-station car park. He was striding towards the ambulance, his pack slung over his shoulder, and something inside me lurched. I knew the delicious solidity of that body, the soft angles of that face. He turned and his step faltered, as if I had been the last thing he had expected to see. Then he turned back to the ambulance, hauling open the rear doors.
I walked towards him across the tarmac. ‘Can we talk?’
He lifted an oxygen tank like it was a tin of hairspray, securing it in its holder. ‘Sure. But it’ll have to be some other time. I’m on my way out.’
‘It won’t wait.’
His expression didn’t flicker. He stooped to pick up a pack of gauze.
‘Look. I just wanted to explain … what we were talking about. I do like you. I really like you. I just – I’m just scared.’
‘We’re all scared, Lou.’
‘You’re not scared of anything.’
‘Yeah. I am. Just not stuff you’d notice.’
He stared at his boots. And then he saw Donna running towards him. ‘Ah, hell. I’ve got to go.’
I jumped into the rear of the ambulance. ‘I’ll come with you. I’ll get a taxi home from wherever you’re headed.’
‘No.’
‘Ah, come on. Please.’
‘So I can get in even more trouble with Disciplinary?’
‘Red Two, reports of a stabbing, young male.’ Donna threw her pack into the back of the ambulance.
‘We have to go, Louisa.’
I was losing him. I could feel it, in the tone of his voice, the way he wouldn’t look at me directly. I climbed out of the back, cursing my lateness. But Donna took me by the elbow and steered me towards the front. ‘For God’s sake,’ she said, as Sam made to protest. ‘You’ve been like a bear with a sore head all week. Just sort this thing out. We’ll drop her before we get there.’
Sam walked briskly around to the passenger door and opened it, casting a glance at the controller’s office. ‘She’d make a great relationship counsellor.’ His voice hardened. ‘If we were, you know, in a relationship.’
I didn’t need telling twice. Sam climbed into the driving seat and looked at me as if he were going to say something, then changed his mind. Donna began sorting out equipment. He started the ignition and put the blue light on.
‘Where are we headed?’
‘We are headed to the estate. About seven minutes away with blues and twos. You are headed to the high street, two minutes from Kingsbury.’
‘So I’ve got five minutes?’
‘And a long walk back.’
‘Okay,’ I said. And realized, as we sped forward, that I really had no idea what to say next.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
‘So, here’s the thing,’ I said. Sam indicated and swung out onto the road. I had to shout as the siren was so loud.
His attention was on the road ahead. He glanced at the computer readout on the dashboard. ‘What have we got, Don?’
‘Possible stabbing. Two reports. Young male collapsed in stairwell.’
‘Is this really a good time to talk?’ I said.
‘Depends what you want to say.’
‘It’s not that I don’t want a relationship,’ I said. ‘I just still feel a bit mixed up.’
‘Everyone’s mixed up,’ said Donna. ‘Every bloke I go out with starts our date with how he’s got trust issues.’ She looked at Sam. ‘Oh. Sorry. Don’t mind me.’
Sam kept his eyes straight ahead. ‘One minute you’re calling me a dick because you’ve decided I’m sleeping with other women. Next you’re keeping me at arm’s length because you’re still attached to someone else. It’s too –’
I nodded vigorously. I did. I really did. ‘I’m sure Dad doesn’t mean for you to feel like that – but listen, I –’
‘I even suggested he take a course at the night school. Something he might like – you know, repairing antiques or life drawing or something. I don’t mind him looking at the nudies! I thought we could grow together! That’s the kind of wife I’m trying to be, the kind that doesn’t even mind her husband looking at nudies, if it’s in the name of culture … But he’s all “What would I want to go down there for?” It’s like he’s got the ruddy menopause. And as for the rabbiting on about me not shaving my legs! Oh, my days. He’s so hypocritical. Do you know how long the hairs in his nostrils are, Louisa?’
‘N-no.’
‘I’ll tell you! He could wipe his plate with them. For the last fifteen years, I’ve been the one telling the barber to give him a trim up there, you know? Like he’s some kind of child. Do I mind? No! Because that’s the way he is. He’s a human being! Nose hair and all! But if I dare not to be as smooth as a ruddy baby’s bottom he acts like I’ve turned into flipping Chewbacca!’
It was ten minutes to six. Sam would be heading out at half past. I sighed, and pulled my towel around me.
‘So … um … how long do you think you’ll be here?’
‘Well, now, I don’t know.’ Mum took a sip of her tea. ‘We’ve got the social services bringing Granddad his lunch now so it’s not like I’ve got to be there all the time. I might just stay for a few days. We had a lovely time last time I was here, didn’t we? We could go and see Maria in the toilets tomorrow. Wouldn’t that be nice!’
‘Lovely.’
‘Right. Well, I’ll make up the spare bed. Where is the spare bed?’
We had just stood up when the buzzer went again. I opened the door, expecting a random pizza delivery, but there stood Treena and Thom and, behind them, his hands jammed into his trouser pockets like a recalcitrant teenager, my father.
She didn’t even look at me. She just walked in past me. ‘Mum. This is ridiculous. You can’t just run away from Dad. How old are you? Fourteen?’
‘I am not running away, Treena. I am giving myself breathing space.’
‘Well, we’re going to sit here until you two have sorted this ridiculous thing out. You know he’s been sleeping in his van, Lou?’
‘What? You didn’t tell me that.’ I turned to Mum.
She lifted her chin. ‘You didn’t give me a chance, with all your talking.’
Mum and Dad stood there not looking at each other.
‘I have nothing to say to your father right now,’ Mum said.
‘Sit down,’ said Treena. ‘The both of you.’ They shuffled towards the sofa, casting mute glances of resentment at each other. She turned to me. ‘Right. Let’s make tea. And then we’re going to sort this out as a family.’
‘Great idea!’ I said, sensing my chance. ‘There’s milk in the fridge. Tea’s on the side. Help yourselves. I’ve got to pop out for half an hour.’ And before anyone could stop me I had whipped on a pair of jeans and a top and was running out of the flat with my car keys.
I saw him even as I turned the car into the ambulance-station car park. He was striding towards the ambulance, his pack slung over his shoulder, and something inside me lurched. I knew the delicious solidity of that body, the soft angles of that face. He turned and his step faltered, as if I had been the last thing he had expected to see. Then he turned back to the ambulance, hauling open the rear doors.
I walked towards him across the tarmac. ‘Can we talk?’
He lifted an oxygen tank like it was a tin of hairspray, securing it in its holder. ‘Sure. But it’ll have to be some other time. I’m on my way out.’
‘It won’t wait.’
His expression didn’t flicker. He stooped to pick up a pack of gauze.
‘Look. I just wanted to explain … what we were talking about. I do like you. I really like you. I just – I’m just scared.’
‘We’re all scared, Lou.’
‘You’re not scared of anything.’
‘Yeah. I am. Just not stuff you’d notice.’
He stared at his boots. And then he saw Donna running towards him. ‘Ah, hell. I’ve got to go.’
I jumped into the rear of the ambulance. ‘I’ll come with you. I’ll get a taxi home from wherever you’re headed.’
‘No.’
‘Ah, come on. Please.’
‘So I can get in even more trouble with Disciplinary?’
‘Red Two, reports of a stabbing, young male.’ Donna threw her pack into the back of the ambulance.
‘We have to go, Louisa.’
I was losing him. I could feel it, in the tone of his voice, the way he wouldn’t look at me directly. I climbed out of the back, cursing my lateness. But Donna took me by the elbow and steered me towards the front. ‘For God’s sake,’ she said, as Sam made to protest. ‘You’ve been like a bear with a sore head all week. Just sort this thing out. We’ll drop her before we get there.’
Sam walked briskly around to the passenger door and opened it, casting a glance at the controller’s office. ‘She’d make a great relationship counsellor.’ His voice hardened. ‘If we were, you know, in a relationship.’
I didn’t need telling twice. Sam climbed into the driving seat and looked at me as if he were going to say something, then changed his mind. Donna began sorting out equipment. He started the ignition and put the blue light on.
‘Where are we headed?’
‘We are headed to the estate. About seven minutes away with blues and twos. You are headed to the high street, two minutes from Kingsbury.’
‘So I’ve got five minutes?’
‘And a long walk back.’
‘Okay,’ I said. And realized, as we sped forward, that I really had no idea what to say next.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
‘So, here’s the thing,’ I said. Sam indicated and swung out onto the road. I had to shout as the siren was so loud.
His attention was on the road ahead. He glanced at the computer readout on the dashboard. ‘What have we got, Don?’
‘Possible stabbing. Two reports. Young male collapsed in stairwell.’
‘Is this really a good time to talk?’ I said.
‘Depends what you want to say.’
‘It’s not that I don’t want a relationship,’ I said. ‘I just still feel a bit mixed up.’
‘Everyone’s mixed up,’ said Donna. ‘Every bloke I go out with starts our date with how he’s got trust issues.’ She looked at Sam. ‘Oh. Sorry. Don’t mind me.’
Sam kept his eyes straight ahead. ‘One minute you’re calling me a dick because you’ve decided I’m sleeping with other women. Next you’re keeping me at arm’s length because you’re still attached to someone else. It’s too –’
