I just didn’t know what that theory was.
“Fine,” Cas groused. “I guess I’ll stuff my face instead.”
Every inch of my body hurt, and I wanted to scrub the feeling of Pitch and Debbie and that whole place off my skin. But one look at Sam, the way he dodged my gaze, told me the real reason behind his insistence that I go first. He wanted to talk about me.
The water was plenty hot, but instead of climbing into the shower, I stood at the bathroom door, one ear pressed to the wood. I could barely make out the boys’ voices. Biting my lip, I twisted the doorknob one millimeter at a time until the door eased open. I waited, listening. The boys kept talking, so I opened the door wide enough to slip through and tiptoed across the upstairs landing.
I strained to catch something.
“Barter with Connor for her,” Nick said. “She’s more trouble than she’s worth. None of us would have been in that fight tonight if it weren’t for her.”
I went down a few steps, getting as close to the kitchen as I dared.
“Dude,” Cas cut in, “you can’t blame Anna for what happened with that d-bag.”
“Forget about the kid that started the fight,” Nick said. “Why did we fight? It’s like I needed to protect her, even though I can’t stand to look at her. She reminds me of everything I hated about that lab, all those goddamn years locked in that little glass bubble while she got to go in and out whenever she wanted. Think about it. Why the hell do we want to protect her so damn badly?”
“She’s like family,” Trev said earnestly.
“It’s not that and you know it,” Nick snapped back. “That agent at the mall said to get Anna first. Why would he say that?”
I’d forgotten all about what the agent had said in the chaos that followed our escape. I’d thought it weird at the time, but now it seemed damning.
Silence settled in downstairs.
“Stop looking at her like a defenseless little girl,” Nick went on, “and start looking at her like a liability.”
I stomped down the remaining stairs, my temper flaring. I rounded into the kitchen, fingers curled into fists at my sides. Sam’s gaze met mine. I could sense the shift in the room. Would they turn on me? Would Sam?
I had never been more aware of my vulnerability than I was at that moment. I was in the middle of Michigan, with no directional bearing, at the whim of these four boys who could kill me with a toothpick if they wanted to.
And they were looking at me like they didn’t know me.
“I am not a liability,” I said. “I am your friend.”
The corners of Sam’s mouth tightened.
Nick ignored me. “We could ditch her at the next town over.”
He could be persuasive when he wanted to be, and the thought of being left alone in some town I didn’t know made my stomach knot. I lunged at him, fear and anger and a million other things propelling me forward. I caught him off guard and he rocked back a step before finding his balance. He grabbed me tight at the arms as he swung around, slamming me into the wall.
The others leapt to their feet in one rush.
“Nicholas!” Sam growled.
Nick and I met eyes, the animosity between us almost visible, like a heat wave.
“Jesus Christ,” Trev said.
“You attack me and still I can’t hurt you.” Nick’s voice was punchy with accusation. “Logically, I should be protecting myself; instead I’m protecting you. Tell me that’s not a liability, Anna. Tell me that makes perfect f**king sense.”
“Back off her, Nick,” Sam said.
For once, Nick ignored Sam’s command. I wrapped my hands around his forearms, bracing myself in case I needed to fight. “Let. Me. Go.” I put as much vehemence in my voice as I could muster.
Flexing his jaw, Nick let up, and I slid down the wall a few inches. “I’m not whatever you think I am.” I looked from him to the others, hovering just inches away. They all had the same uncertain expression on their faces.
“Do you all feel that way? Like you inexplicably need to protect me?” No one said anything. “Are you kidding me? And you didn’t tell me?”
“We weren’t sure,” Sam said.
“Oh my God.” I exhaled as the fight rushed out of me.
“Hey.” Trev came to my side and took my hand as I fumbled to the chair. “It doesn’t necessarily mean anything, and no one is leaving you behind.”
I desperately wanted Sam and Cas to agree. But they didn’t. They didn’t say anything.
Did Sam think I was some Branch tool? Was I a Branch tool? But how? Why? It didn’t make sense. None of this made sense.
Sam’s attention came to rest on my hand, intertwined with Trev’s. He blinked. “Why don’t you go take that shower?”
I choked back a sob. He didn’t trust me.
Trev had to lead me toward the stairs. “Come on. I’ll go with you.”
Inside the bathroom, the hot water still ran, filling the tiny space with steam.
“Don’t let the others get to you. Everyone is on edge.”
I bowed my head. I couldn’t not let them get to me. There was more going on here than any of us understood. In the lab back home, I used to feel like I was part of something good. Like I was helping change the world. But now I felt ashamed and guilty. The boys had every right to doubt me. Nothing was as it seemed. Maybe every shred of my life in that lab had been a lie. Maybe everything I knew about the program was, too.
“Anna?” Trev ran his fingers down the side of my face and nudged my chin up with his thumb. “They’re just grasping at straws.”
I practically threw myself at him, wrapping my arms around his neck. There was no hesitation as he hugged me back. What would I do without Trev? He was my best friend. Loyal. Trustworthy. He kept me sane and grounded. That was what I needed right now, more than anything.
“Do you have an inspiring quote for me?” I asked when I pulled away. “They always help.”
He laughed and ran a finger over his lips as he thought. The lightbulb expression winked on. “ ‘Faith in oneself is the best and safest course.’ Michelangelo.” He looked down at me, his amber eyes heavy with exhaustion but still present, still seeing me.
“Thank you,” I said.
“Don’t mention it. Take as long as you want. Or at least until the hot water runs out. I’ll be out there when you’re done.”
He left me alone. On my way back to the shower, I caught my reflection in the foggy mirror. A bruise bloomed beneath my right eye. A scrape ran across my collarbone. My lip was split in two places, and a scratch sliced my temple at the right side, blood matting my blond hair.
I was a mess. And I just wanted to forget about everything. I climbed under the showerhead, letting the drum of the water drown out my thoughts.
22
LATER THAT NIGHT, I LAY IN BED OVER-analyzing the slant of moonlight on the trees outside, hoping the act of mentally sketching would overpower everything else crowding my head. It didn’t.
Now I knew why Sam had asked about meeting with Connor outside the lab: He was questioning why that agent in the mall parking lot had ordered the other men to grab me first. Nick wasn’t the only one who was suspicious, and I didn’t know how to convince the boys that I wasn’t the bad guy. That I cared for them like they were family.
The wind shifted the trees, wiping away my mental sketch-in-progress.
A floorboard creaked and I lurched upright. Sam stood in the doorway to my room, half hidden in shadow. He wore jeans, a T-shirt, boots. He’d been hanging around the house fully clothed since we’d returned, just in case we needed to leave at a moment’s notice. I had on an oversized T-shirt I’d nabbed from Trev. It was the only thing I wore other than my bra and underwear. What if Connor ambushed the house right this second?
I tugged the blanket closer as Sam crossed the threshold.
“I didn’t mean to startle you.”
“You didn’t,” I lied. The truth was, I was on edge. I knew what he was capable of, and I wasn’t sure if I was considered an enemy at this point.
He dropped into the window seat, rested his elbows on his knees. “How are you?”
“I’m okay.”
“Sore?”
“A little.”
“Do you need anything?”
I swallowed. “Why are you here, Sam?”
He ran a thumb over the knuckles on his opposite hand. Moonlight pooled on his back. “Remember when you got your first black eye, in your class?”
My combat class. I remembered—it was something I would never forget. While I’d hated that my opponent had bested me, that fight had made me feel strong. Like a warrior. I wore the bruise like a badge and barreled downstairs as soon as Dad fell asleep so I could show it off.
But Sam’s reaction had not been the reaction I’d hoped for. I’d wanted him to be impressed. I’d wanted him to look at me with reverence.
Instead, he had questioned me excessively over how it happened, who did it, whether my opponent was bigger, stronger, faster. Boy or girl. Arrogant or nice. That was the first time I saw a glimmer of his protective side, and I thought, well, I’d take that, too.
When I left the lab that night, I felt like I’d gained some ground with Sam, earned something from him, just not in the way I’d expected.
“I remember,” I said now.
He folded his hands together. “That was the first time I realized there was more to our relationship than I’d thought.” He sat back, and I lost sight of his face in the shadows. “It frustrated me in a way nothing else had since I’d woken in that lab. Because I couldn’t protect you the way I needed to.”
Needed. Like it was something he couldn’t control. I dared not move. I couldn’t stand it if he stopped talking now.
“I knew it was odd to feel that way for someone who was on the other side of the wall, but I never questioned your involvement in the program. You made our lives bearable in that lab. I won’t forget that. No matter what.”
My throat thickened. My eyes burned.
“So whatever’s going on, I will do what I can to keep you safe. I won’t leave you. I won’t barter with Connor for you. I don’t care what Nick says.”
I clamped my mouth shut against the stinging in my sinuses. I would not cry. Not now.
“I wanted you to know that,” he said. Even though I couldn’t see his eyes, I felt the weight of his gaze.
“Thank you.” My voice came out in a quiet hush.
He rose to leave. Inside I was screaming: Stay. Stay. Stay. I didn’t care if we talked or not. His presence was enough.
At the door, he paused.
“What color would you use?”
I frowned. “What?”
“When I came in, you were staring out the window.”
Drawing, was what he didn’t say. You had that look on your face like you were drawing.
That familiar burn came back and my vision blurred. It seemed like forever ago that we’d last discussed the weather, the outside world, and how I would draw it. I missed it. I missed it so much. “Lavender gray.”
He nodded and turned away. “Good night, Anna.”
“G’night.” I let out a breath of relief as his footsteps thudded down the stairs. I hadn’t realized until that very second how badly I wanted him to trust me. No matter what we’d gone through, I was on his side. Always. Even if it killed me.
The house was eerily quiet when I woke late the next morning. I put a hand up to hood my eyes from the daylight that blasted through my window. My head pounded on all sides. The trek down the stairs seemed to take forever; every step was agonizing. Every joint in my body creaked in misery. I felt like I’d taken a week’s worth of combat courses.
In the kitchen, I barely registered Trev at the table as I shuffled past him. I pulled the bottle of ibuprofen out of a drawer and downed two pills with a gulp of water.
“Fine,” Cas groused. “I guess I’ll stuff my face instead.”
Every inch of my body hurt, and I wanted to scrub the feeling of Pitch and Debbie and that whole place off my skin. But one look at Sam, the way he dodged my gaze, told me the real reason behind his insistence that I go first. He wanted to talk about me.
The water was plenty hot, but instead of climbing into the shower, I stood at the bathroom door, one ear pressed to the wood. I could barely make out the boys’ voices. Biting my lip, I twisted the doorknob one millimeter at a time until the door eased open. I waited, listening. The boys kept talking, so I opened the door wide enough to slip through and tiptoed across the upstairs landing.
I strained to catch something.
“Barter with Connor for her,” Nick said. “She’s more trouble than she’s worth. None of us would have been in that fight tonight if it weren’t for her.”
I went down a few steps, getting as close to the kitchen as I dared.
“Dude,” Cas cut in, “you can’t blame Anna for what happened with that d-bag.”
“Forget about the kid that started the fight,” Nick said. “Why did we fight? It’s like I needed to protect her, even though I can’t stand to look at her. She reminds me of everything I hated about that lab, all those goddamn years locked in that little glass bubble while she got to go in and out whenever she wanted. Think about it. Why the hell do we want to protect her so damn badly?”
“She’s like family,” Trev said earnestly.
“It’s not that and you know it,” Nick snapped back. “That agent at the mall said to get Anna first. Why would he say that?”
I’d forgotten all about what the agent had said in the chaos that followed our escape. I’d thought it weird at the time, but now it seemed damning.
Silence settled in downstairs.
“Stop looking at her like a defenseless little girl,” Nick went on, “and start looking at her like a liability.”
I stomped down the remaining stairs, my temper flaring. I rounded into the kitchen, fingers curled into fists at my sides. Sam’s gaze met mine. I could sense the shift in the room. Would they turn on me? Would Sam?
I had never been more aware of my vulnerability than I was at that moment. I was in the middle of Michigan, with no directional bearing, at the whim of these four boys who could kill me with a toothpick if they wanted to.
And they were looking at me like they didn’t know me.
“I am not a liability,” I said. “I am your friend.”
The corners of Sam’s mouth tightened.
Nick ignored me. “We could ditch her at the next town over.”
He could be persuasive when he wanted to be, and the thought of being left alone in some town I didn’t know made my stomach knot. I lunged at him, fear and anger and a million other things propelling me forward. I caught him off guard and he rocked back a step before finding his balance. He grabbed me tight at the arms as he swung around, slamming me into the wall.
The others leapt to their feet in one rush.
“Nicholas!” Sam growled.
Nick and I met eyes, the animosity between us almost visible, like a heat wave.
“Jesus Christ,” Trev said.
“You attack me and still I can’t hurt you.” Nick’s voice was punchy with accusation. “Logically, I should be protecting myself; instead I’m protecting you. Tell me that’s not a liability, Anna. Tell me that makes perfect f**king sense.”
“Back off her, Nick,” Sam said.
For once, Nick ignored Sam’s command. I wrapped my hands around his forearms, bracing myself in case I needed to fight. “Let. Me. Go.” I put as much vehemence in my voice as I could muster.
Flexing his jaw, Nick let up, and I slid down the wall a few inches. “I’m not whatever you think I am.” I looked from him to the others, hovering just inches away. They all had the same uncertain expression on their faces.
“Do you all feel that way? Like you inexplicably need to protect me?” No one said anything. “Are you kidding me? And you didn’t tell me?”
“We weren’t sure,” Sam said.
“Oh my God.” I exhaled as the fight rushed out of me.
“Hey.” Trev came to my side and took my hand as I fumbled to the chair. “It doesn’t necessarily mean anything, and no one is leaving you behind.”
I desperately wanted Sam and Cas to agree. But they didn’t. They didn’t say anything.
Did Sam think I was some Branch tool? Was I a Branch tool? But how? Why? It didn’t make sense. None of this made sense.
Sam’s attention came to rest on my hand, intertwined with Trev’s. He blinked. “Why don’t you go take that shower?”
I choked back a sob. He didn’t trust me.
Trev had to lead me toward the stairs. “Come on. I’ll go with you.”
Inside the bathroom, the hot water still ran, filling the tiny space with steam.
“Don’t let the others get to you. Everyone is on edge.”
I bowed my head. I couldn’t not let them get to me. There was more going on here than any of us understood. In the lab back home, I used to feel like I was part of something good. Like I was helping change the world. But now I felt ashamed and guilty. The boys had every right to doubt me. Nothing was as it seemed. Maybe every shred of my life in that lab had been a lie. Maybe everything I knew about the program was, too.
“Anna?” Trev ran his fingers down the side of my face and nudged my chin up with his thumb. “They’re just grasping at straws.”
I practically threw myself at him, wrapping my arms around his neck. There was no hesitation as he hugged me back. What would I do without Trev? He was my best friend. Loyal. Trustworthy. He kept me sane and grounded. That was what I needed right now, more than anything.
“Do you have an inspiring quote for me?” I asked when I pulled away. “They always help.”
He laughed and ran a finger over his lips as he thought. The lightbulb expression winked on. “ ‘Faith in oneself is the best and safest course.’ Michelangelo.” He looked down at me, his amber eyes heavy with exhaustion but still present, still seeing me.
“Thank you,” I said.
“Don’t mention it. Take as long as you want. Or at least until the hot water runs out. I’ll be out there when you’re done.”
He left me alone. On my way back to the shower, I caught my reflection in the foggy mirror. A bruise bloomed beneath my right eye. A scrape ran across my collarbone. My lip was split in two places, and a scratch sliced my temple at the right side, blood matting my blond hair.
I was a mess. And I just wanted to forget about everything. I climbed under the showerhead, letting the drum of the water drown out my thoughts.
22
LATER THAT NIGHT, I LAY IN BED OVER-analyzing the slant of moonlight on the trees outside, hoping the act of mentally sketching would overpower everything else crowding my head. It didn’t.
Now I knew why Sam had asked about meeting with Connor outside the lab: He was questioning why that agent in the mall parking lot had ordered the other men to grab me first. Nick wasn’t the only one who was suspicious, and I didn’t know how to convince the boys that I wasn’t the bad guy. That I cared for them like they were family.
The wind shifted the trees, wiping away my mental sketch-in-progress.
A floorboard creaked and I lurched upright. Sam stood in the doorway to my room, half hidden in shadow. He wore jeans, a T-shirt, boots. He’d been hanging around the house fully clothed since we’d returned, just in case we needed to leave at a moment’s notice. I had on an oversized T-shirt I’d nabbed from Trev. It was the only thing I wore other than my bra and underwear. What if Connor ambushed the house right this second?
I tugged the blanket closer as Sam crossed the threshold.
“I didn’t mean to startle you.”
“You didn’t,” I lied. The truth was, I was on edge. I knew what he was capable of, and I wasn’t sure if I was considered an enemy at this point.
He dropped into the window seat, rested his elbows on his knees. “How are you?”
“I’m okay.”
“Sore?”
“A little.”
“Do you need anything?”
I swallowed. “Why are you here, Sam?”
He ran a thumb over the knuckles on his opposite hand. Moonlight pooled on his back. “Remember when you got your first black eye, in your class?”
My combat class. I remembered—it was something I would never forget. While I’d hated that my opponent had bested me, that fight had made me feel strong. Like a warrior. I wore the bruise like a badge and barreled downstairs as soon as Dad fell asleep so I could show it off.
But Sam’s reaction had not been the reaction I’d hoped for. I’d wanted him to be impressed. I’d wanted him to look at me with reverence.
Instead, he had questioned me excessively over how it happened, who did it, whether my opponent was bigger, stronger, faster. Boy or girl. Arrogant or nice. That was the first time I saw a glimmer of his protective side, and I thought, well, I’d take that, too.
When I left the lab that night, I felt like I’d gained some ground with Sam, earned something from him, just not in the way I’d expected.
“I remember,” I said now.
He folded his hands together. “That was the first time I realized there was more to our relationship than I’d thought.” He sat back, and I lost sight of his face in the shadows. “It frustrated me in a way nothing else had since I’d woken in that lab. Because I couldn’t protect you the way I needed to.”
Needed. Like it was something he couldn’t control. I dared not move. I couldn’t stand it if he stopped talking now.
“I knew it was odd to feel that way for someone who was on the other side of the wall, but I never questioned your involvement in the program. You made our lives bearable in that lab. I won’t forget that. No matter what.”
My throat thickened. My eyes burned.
“So whatever’s going on, I will do what I can to keep you safe. I won’t leave you. I won’t barter with Connor for you. I don’t care what Nick says.”
I clamped my mouth shut against the stinging in my sinuses. I would not cry. Not now.
“I wanted you to know that,” he said. Even though I couldn’t see his eyes, I felt the weight of his gaze.
“Thank you.” My voice came out in a quiet hush.
He rose to leave. Inside I was screaming: Stay. Stay. Stay. I didn’t care if we talked or not. His presence was enough.
At the door, he paused.
“What color would you use?”
I frowned. “What?”
“When I came in, you were staring out the window.”
Drawing, was what he didn’t say. You had that look on your face like you were drawing.
That familiar burn came back and my vision blurred. It seemed like forever ago that we’d last discussed the weather, the outside world, and how I would draw it. I missed it. I missed it so much. “Lavender gray.”
He nodded and turned away. “Good night, Anna.”
“G’night.” I let out a breath of relief as his footsteps thudded down the stairs. I hadn’t realized until that very second how badly I wanted him to trust me. No matter what we’d gone through, I was on his side. Always. Even if it killed me.
The house was eerily quiet when I woke late the next morning. I put a hand up to hood my eyes from the daylight that blasted through my window. My head pounded on all sides. The trek down the stairs seemed to take forever; every step was agonizing. Every joint in my body creaked in misery. I felt like I’d taken a week’s worth of combat courses.
In the kitchen, I barely registered Trev at the table as I shuffled past him. I pulled the bottle of ibuprofen out of a drawer and downed two pills with a gulp of water.
