Always You
Page 49

We both knew that this was my fault but I never thought in a million years that he’d ask me to leave him. If there was one thing that I would bet my life on it’s that Clay would never cut me out of his life, never. But that was exactly what he was doing now. I looked at him, my heart breaking, the pain was unbearable. I wasn’t going to live through this, this pain was going to kill me. To be apart from him would kill me. Surely he wasn’t this angry with me, surely he’d forgive me, wouldn’t he?
“Why? Please let me stay, I know this is my fault but please Clay, I love you. I’m so sorry this happened to you!” I cried bending and putting my face in the side of his neck being careful of tube sticking out of his chest.
His hands tangled in the back of my hair as he kissed the top of my head. “I don’t blame you, Riley. This wasn’t your fault, but I can’t love you, Riley. I’m sorry, but you need to go so I can concentrate on recovering without having to think about you all the time.”
I gripped the front of his hospital gown, holding onto it for dear life, if I let go I don’t know what I’d do. Could I live without Clay in my life, even for a second? Those few hours when I wasn’t sure if he’d make it, or the hours when he was in surgery, those were the worse of my life and I knew that if he’d died I would have wanted to die too.
I thought about what he said. He wanted to concentrate on recovering? What was that supposed to mean? He wasn’t making sense! If this wasn’t because he was blaming me then what was it about?
“Why?” I screamed against the skin of his neck, making his hand tighten in the back of my hair as I sobbed uncontrollably.
“I can’t have you here while I’m like this Riley, I can’t have you tied to someone like me,” he whispered.
Suddenly everything clicked into place, he did want me, he thought he was doing this for me. I pulled back to look at him. This was some kind of sick way of letting me go because he didn’t want me to have to be with him if he couldn’t walk. Is he seriously thinking I won’t want to be with him because of that? Does he not know me at all? All these years he’s known me and he thinks I would walk away because there’s a chance that he’ll be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life? I could feel my anger building up inside, there was no way this was happening, no way in hell he was sending me away from him for my own benefit.
“What the hell are you talking about, Clay? Are you kidding me right now? Tell me why you want me to go, tell me why you don’t want me anymore!” I cried, swallowing the lump in my throat.
There had to be something else, that couldn’t be the reason. Clay has always been selfless and put my happiness over the top of his, but he had to know that this would kill me. He wouldn’t make me leave because he thought he was doing the right thing for me, would he?
He sighed and turned his head away from me, “Just go Riley.”
“No,” I said fiercely.
“Just get the hell out! I don’t want you here! I don’t want you stuck with a f**king cripple just because you feel guilty or something stupid. I don’t want to take everything away from you, I don’t want to disappoint you because I can’t make love to you anymore! I don’t want to let this go on and then you leave me in a few years time for someone who can walk and give you children, someone who can give you everything you deserve out of life. It’s going to be easier for me to just get over you now, do it all in one go, rather than start to rely on you and then you leave me. Just get out and don’t ever come back!” he shouted, glaring at me angrily. He gripped hold of my arm and shoved me towards the door as one of the nurses came bursting in, obviously hearing his little outburst.
“What on earth is going on in here? Clay you need to calm down! You’ve just had surgery you need to relax and let your body recover!” the nurse cried angrily as she headed over to his side, pressing the button on the little heart monitor. The beeping was so fast that it actually scared the crap out of me. Clay was gasping for breath as she pushed on his shoulder, making him settle down, she put a little oxygen mask over his face, looking at him worriedly.
“What’s wrong? Is he ok?” I asked weakly. I had never been so scared in my life, Clay’s eyes flicked to me and I saw no indecision in his eyes. This was it, everything I thought would last forever, was over. He really wanted me to leave and the look on his face broke my heart into a million pieces.
“Get out, Riley,” he muttered weakly, pulling the mask off of his face.
“I love you, Clay,” I whispered, begging him with my eyes. I couldn’t leave him, not ever. He was my life, how could he not understand that? There was no way I would leave him for someone else in a couple of years, no chance of that happening at all. I loved him with all of my heart and it hurt me that he would doubt me like that, he should know me better.
He shook his head, “You don’t love me enough for this,” he said breathlessly. He turned to the nurse who was trying to get the mask back on his face, “Make her leave. Get security, get her out of here. I don’t want her here!” he shouted, making her flinch slightly from the anger in his voice.
She turned to me looking at me apologetically, “Please leave. He needs to relax and you being here is working him up. Just leave, come back in a couple of hours.” She put her hand on my arm and nodded towards the door.
“I don’t want her back in a couple of hours! Just get her the hell out!” Clay cried, gasping for breath as he tried to push himself up in the bed but by the looks of it he was too weak as he instantly slumped back down again, hissing in pain.
I looked from the nurse to Clay and back again. I had to leave, I was doing that to him, making him feel like that. I was making him worse, making him ill and he needed to relax, the doctor had said so.
“I’ll go. Look after him,” I whispered as I turned and ran out of the door as fast as my legs could carry me.
* * *
Clay’s POV
I watched her heart break before she turned and ran out of the door. I clenched my jaw tight so I didn’t beg her to come back. I couldn’t breathe, the pain in my heart was a hundred times worse than any physical pain I could ever feel. I’d just lost the one thing that I needed out of life, the one thing that mattered to me, hell she was the only thing that mattered to me in life. Not only had I lost her, but I’d actually pushed her away. I’d made her leave when she didn’t want to and that hurt even more. The fact that I was hurting her by setting her free. If I could take her heartbreak as well as my own I would. I would lay down my life for that girl in an instant and I always would. I would do anything to make her happy, even if it destroyed me in the process.
She would get over this and find someone else and he would give her everything I couldn’t anymore. The thought hurt like hell, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Riley deserved the best out of life, and a husband in a wheelchair wasn’t that.
The nurse tugged on the mask pulling it out of my hand and pressing it back over my mouth and nose again. “Try and calm down, if your heart rate gets any faster you’ll go into cardiac arrest,” she said sternly.
Cardiac arrest? A heart attack, hell that sounded awesome right about now, hopefully it would kill me and I wouldn’t have to live one day without my girl by my side. I closed my eyes trying to block out the pain of it but I couldn’t, all I could see was Riley telling me she loved me, flashes of our wedding and the day after when we woke up in the hotel and realized we were married, thoughts of making love to her for the first time. All these memories were flashing through my brain making it even more painful.
I would have lived every day of my life making her happy but it wasn’t enough, I wasn’t enough for her now, and I was doing the right thing letting her off. She didn’t deserve a life sentence being tied to a guy in a wheelchair. I’d thought about this since the moment I woke up this morning, seeing her sitting there on the chair asleep at my side. I knew she wouldn’t want to go, but if I couldn’t walk again then I wasn’t what was best for her anymore.
Sure, everything would have been fine for a year or two, but after a little while she would start to resent me for holding her back and then she’d leave me. It was best to set her free now, and then I could learn how to deal with this on my own, I’d be on my own sooner or later anyway, so why delay the inevitable?
After a little while the nurse pulled the mask off of my face and looked at me sympathetically. “Are you ok? Can I get you anything? Call someone?” she asked kindly.
I shook my head and forced a smile. I couldn’t hold it together for much longer; I didn’t want anyone here when I lost control. “I’m fine, can I just have a minute?” I asked, my voice husky and filled with emotion.
“Sure hon. If you need me then press the buzzer, ok?” she smiled and put the call button on the bed next to my hand.
“I’m fine now, thanks,” I lied.
She took one last look at me before she walked out. As soon as I the door closed I couldn’t hold it anymore, I gripped my hands in my hair and I sobbed. I sobbed for what I’d lost. I sobbed for what I gave up. I sobbed for what could have been. I hadn’t cried since I was a kid but I couldn’t stop. I prayed for death because that would have been easier than dealing with this, this was like living in hell on earth and I wasn’t strong enough for it.
After I calmed myself down I laid there numb, staring at the ceiling waiting for death to come and get me and take me out of here, to stop the pain and fill the gaping hole that used to be where my heart was. My parents came, but I couldn’t even bring myself to talk to them, couldn’t even shout at them for not sending me in for the surgery. I couldn’t even utter a single word because they didn’t matter. Nothing mattered apart from Riley, but she was gone. I just stared straight ahead and blocked out their words, replaying images of Riley in my head.
The doctors and nurses fussed over me for a couple of hours, I heard someone mention something about me being on suicide watch or something, but that didn’t matter either. How the hell was I supposed to kill myself when I couldn’t even get out of the bed? Maybe they were worried about me starving myself to death or something. Whatever, they were all stupid anyway and the sooner I was out of here the better.
A couple of hours later and I heard a commotion in the hallway; I didn’t bother to open my eyes, what was the point? There was no point, there was no point in anything.
The door to my room started to open and then closed again. “You can’t go in there,” the nurse said sternly. Oh great another f**king visitor, why couldn’t they all take the hint and just leave me alone?
“I need to talk to him.”
My breath caught in my throat, that was my angels voice and it hurt to hear it. Why was she here? Was she really going to make me ask her to leave again? Could I do it again? Could I say the words and rip my heart out for a second time?
“He doesn’t want to see you,” the nurse said sternly.
“I don’t care what the hell he wants. He’s seeing me!” Riley said, as the door burst open.
I flicked my eyes to her and I felt sick, she looked so sad. Her face was all puffy and red from crying, and I felt like a piece of shit. I wanted to throw myself at her feet and beg her to forgive me, the selfish side of me was rejoicing that she was here but the more rational, sensible part of me, was wishing she would leave and never come back. That was what was best for her and I needed her to be happy, that was the only thing I needed out of life.
“I know you don’t want to see me but I have something for you,” she growled angrily as she strode over to me and emptied the contents of a shoebox into my lap. She threw the empty box against the wall angrily as she glared at me.
I glanced down at my lap confused, what the hell was all this junk? There were movie stubs, a quarter, a couple of buttons, an old shirt of mine. A ring box, postcards, a little stuffed dog, a flattered helium balloon with happy birthday printed on the side. There were birthday cards, Christmas cards, photographs of us together and a couple of folded up pieces of paper, amongst a ton of other little knick knack things. I picked up the papers and opened them to see a couple of drawings that I’d done as a kid, letters that I’d written her asking her to come and play. There were little notes that I’d written for her recently, telling her that I loved her.
I looked up at her confused, why did she keep all of this stuff? It was all just junk that should have been thrown in the trash years ago. “What’s all this?” I asked, my voice shaking slightly where I was trying not to cry again. I refused to cry in front of her, she hadn’t seen me cry since I was nine years old and I wasn’t going to let her see it now.
“That, Clay Preston, is everything important that has happened to me in my life up until this point. Every single thing in there involved you, and I kept all of this stuff because it means a lot to me. My whole life is in that box up until this point,” she stated, her voice breaking slightly as she spoke. “And this,” she continued, holding up her left hand and pointing to her wedding ring. “This is my whole life up until the day I die.”
Oh god she’s killing me! How could I get her to understand that I’m doing what’s best for her, by setting her free? “Riley, I…” I started, but she cut me off.
“You look me right in the eye and you tell me you don’t love me, and I’ll walk out of this door never to return again. But you’d better make it convincing, Clay, because I always know when you’re lying to me,” she growled, looking at me challengingly.