And I Darken
Page 87
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“Were you stung?”
“Yes! Repeatedly! It was wonderful!” Nazira said, then she held her lips shut before bursting into a peal of laughter. Her companion elbowed her sharply in the side, then, bowing her head, walked quickly away.
Radu had not remembered her being quite this strange, but her happiness was contagious.
“That was my maid, Fatima.” Nazira leaned to look past Radu and watch the other girl leave. “Come, I will show you more of the garden.” She took Radu’s arm and guided him around, chattering happily. They found a bench in the very center of the courtyard, in front of the tree. A swing hung from two branches, its wood seat too small for an adult.
Radu realized with a start that he had no idea if Kumal was married or had children. He asked Nazira as much.
Her sweet mouth turning down, she shook her head and stood to put a hand on the rope of the swing. “He did. His son, Ibrahim, loved this swing. He died four years ago. He was only three. And then the next year his wife, Ine, died in childbirth. A little girl. We only got to keep her for three days before she followed her mother.”
Radu closed his eyes against the pain of sympathy. Kumal had lost so much. But three years past had been when they first met. “When he found me in Edirne…”
“We were there to pay respects to Ine’s family.”
“So he was deep in mourning.” And still Kumal had found the time to show compassion and kindness to a lost little boy. “Your brother is a good man.”
“The best I have ever known.”
They sat in companionable silence, observing Kumal’s loss, before winding their way back to the house. Nazira had a manner of teasing that made Radu feel bigger than he actually was, unlike Lada’s teasing, which made him feel smaller.
The meal was the best he had eaten in ages. The food was plain, but there were no politics, no fear, no lies or pretending at being something he was not to secure an advantage.
“I am glad you have come, Radu,” Nazira said, her voice uncharacteristically solemn. “It is good for someone to be here to show my poor brother what clothes are supposed to look like. I try to help him all the time, but it is not enough.”
Kumal raised his eyes to the ceiling. “Save me from such a helpful sister.”
“I would gladly take her from you,” Radu said, then blushed as he realized how that sentiment might be misconstrued. “I mean, as a sister. She is much preferable to my own. Not once has she wrestled me to the ground, twisted my arm, or beaten me in a contest of strength.”
Nazira waved her hand. “Oh, we save all contests of strength for after supper.”
But mentioning Lada had removed Radu from the moment, and he now participated in dinner as an observer, the dessert fruit on his plate turned bittersweet.
After they had eaten, Fatima appeared in the doorway. Nazira excused herself, and Kumal and Radu retired to his sitting room.
“I see now why you never come to Edirne.”
Kumal smiled. “I am very happy here. Though I worry about Nazira. She is getting older. I should make more of an effort to find a match for her, but she expresses no interest and I, selfishly, wish to keep her here with me for as long as I can. Still, I know it will be better for her to be happily married and have a family of her own. If I were to die, my estate would pass back to the empire, and she would be left with nothing. And yet she insists she never wants to leave.”
Radu nodded. “I do not blame her. If I could have your counsel forever, I would never want to leave.”
“What counsel would you ask?”
Radu sighed, thinking of all that weighed on him and how paralyzed he felt. “What do you do when faced with a problem that has no good solution?”
Kumal frowned. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, in some situations, there is no easy choice. What, then, is the right choice? Commit evil for a good end, or avoid evil, knowing that you have allowed a worse end to come to pass?” Radu did not even know which evil he was referring to. Killing Halil Pasha, certainly. Lying and deceiving in his position in the capital in an effort to help Mehmed. Even the way he felt about and thought of Mehmed, which did not feel evil, but he suspected it was because no one spoke of it, and Huma acted as though it gave her power over him.
“I think your life has gotten complicated.”
Radu dropped his head, covering his eyes with his hands. “I do not know what to do.”
“I am in charge of many people in my vilayet. Sometimes, a decision I make will impact someone in a negative way. Perhaps one farmer wants more access to water, but giving him that would deny three other families the water they need for their crops. I am denying the first man the opportunity to expand his crops and make more money, but I am saving the other three families from starving. Some years I have had to increase taxes to lay up stores against the winter, which is a burden for my people. But it means we will have enough to sustain us through a bleak period. I have had to take fathers from their families for committing crimes—denying a family of their provider, but keeping the rest of my people safe.” He sighed. “It is never easy. I try to build for the best future I can, where the greatest number of people will be affected in the best ways. Sometimes I have to make hard choices, but I try to do so with a prayer and the welfare of my people always in my heart. I have made mistakes, but I try to use regret as motivation to be more thoughtful, to consider things more carefully, and to be kinder and more generous in all my dealings.”
“Yes! Repeatedly! It was wonderful!” Nazira said, then she held her lips shut before bursting into a peal of laughter. Her companion elbowed her sharply in the side, then, bowing her head, walked quickly away.
Radu had not remembered her being quite this strange, but her happiness was contagious.
“That was my maid, Fatima.” Nazira leaned to look past Radu and watch the other girl leave. “Come, I will show you more of the garden.” She took Radu’s arm and guided him around, chattering happily. They found a bench in the very center of the courtyard, in front of the tree. A swing hung from two branches, its wood seat too small for an adult.
Radu realized with a start that he had no idea if Kumal was married or had children. He asked Nazira as much.
Her sweet mouth turning down, she shook her head and stood to put a hand on the rope of the swing. “He did. His son, Ibrahim, loved this swing. He died four years ago. He was only three. And then the next year his wife, Ine, died in childbirth. A little girl. We only got to keep her for three days before she followed her mother.”
Radu closed his eyes against the pain of sympathy. Kumal had lost so much. But three years past had been when they first met. “When he found me in Edirne…”
“We were there to pay respects to Ine’s family.”
“So he was deep in mourning.” And still Kumal had found the time to show compassion and kindness to a lost little boy. “Your brother is a good man.”
“The best I have ever known.”
They sat in companionable silence, observing Kumal’s loss, before winding their way back to the house. Nazira had a manner of teasing that made Radu feel bigger than he actually was, unlike Lada’s teasing, which made him feel smaller.
The meal was the best he had eaten in ages. The food was plain, but there were no politics, no fear, no lies or pretending at being something he was not to secure an advantage.
“I am glad you have come, Radu,” Nazira said, her voice uncharacteristically solemn. “It is good for someone to be here to show my poor brother what clothes are supposed to look like. I try to help him all the time, but it is not enough.”
Kumal raised his eyes to the ceiling. “Save me from such a helpful sister.”
“I would gladly take her from you,” Radu said, then blushed as he realized how that sentiment might be misconstrued. “I mean, as a sister. She is much preferable to my own. Not once has she wrestled me to the ground, twisted my arm, or beaten me in a contest of strength.”
Nazira waved her hand. “Oh, we save all contests of strength for after supper.”
But mentioning Lada had removed Radu from the moment, and he now participated in dinner as an observer, the dessert fruit on his plate turned bittersweet.
After they had eaten, Fatima appeared in the doorway. Nazira excused herself, and Kumal and Radu retired to his sitting room.
“I see now why you never come to Edirne.”
Kumal smiled. “I am very happy here. Though I worry about Nazira. She is getting older. I should make more of an effort to find a match for her, but she expresses no interest and I, selfishly, wish to keep her here with me for as long as I can. Still, I know it will be better for her to be happily married and have a family of her own. If I were to die, my estate would pass back to the empire, and she would be left with nothing. And yet she insists she never wants to leave.”
Radu nodded. “I do not blame her. If I could have your counsel forever, I would never want to leave.”
“What counsel would you ask?”
Radu sighed, thinking of all that weighed on him and how paralyzed he felt. “What do you do when faced with a problem that has no good solution?”
Kumal frowned. “What do you mean?”
“I mean, in some situations, there is no easy choice. What, then, is the right choice? Commit evil for a good end, or avoid evil, knowing that you have allowed a worse end to come to pass?” Radu did not even know which evil he was referring to. Killing Halil Pasha, certainly. Lying and deceiving in his position in the capital in an effort to help Mehmed. Even the way he felt about and thought of Mehmed, which did not feel evil, but he suspected it was because no one spoke of it, and Huma acted as though it gave her power over him.
“I think your life has gotten complicated.”
Radu dropped his head, covering his eyes with his hands. “I do not know what to do.”
“I am in charge of many people in my vilayet. Sometimes, a decision I make will impact someone in a negative way. Perhaps one farmer wants more access to water, but giving him that would deny three other families the water they need for their crops. I am denying the first man the opportunity to expand his crops and make more money, but I am saving the other three families from starving. Some years I have had to increase taxes to lay up stores against the winter, which is a burden for my people. But it means we will have enough to sustain us through a bleak period. I have had to take fathers from their families for committing crimes—denying a family of their provider, but keeping the rest of my people safe.” He sighed. “It is never easy. I try to build for the best future I can, where the greatest number of people will be affected in the best ways. Sometimes I have to make hard choices, but I try to do so with a prayer and the welfare of my people always in my heart. I have made mistakes, but I try to use regret as motivation to be more thoughtful, to consider things more carefully, and to be kinder and more generous in all my dealings.”
