Angelfire
Page 101
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"But my love for you is wrong," he whispered. "I can't have you. Not this way."
Something invisible stabbed me in the gut. "Are you real y doing this?"
"You're a holy being. I can't touch you. I can be with you every day as your Guardian because it's my duty, but I can't touch you the way I ache to. This isn't what Michael intended when he asked me to protect you. It's dangerous for us both if we get too close."
I shook my head and fought back tears, unable to say anything.
"Other Guardians have died fulfil ing their duty to you long before I came along," he said, touching my cheek, my hair. "I wil die for you one day."
"Don't say that," I begged. "Wil , I'm in love with you. You're the only one who understands what I go through every day, the only one I can share this world with. You're my best friend, and I can't take it if you're going to shut me out like this."
He closed his eyes, squeezing them tight. His hands bal ed into fists and his wings gave a shudder. I felt like I was dying inside.
"You can't love me," he said, his voice pained. "And I can't love you either. You're not mine to love."
"I am yours--"
"El ie--"
"No!" I shouted, tears stinging my eyes. "You can't get this close to me and then push me away."
"I have to." His wings unfolded, moonlight gleaming off their feathers, and he jumped in the air. As I stared up at him, he flew away and disappeared into the woods behind my house, letting me know how different we truly were with that last image of him.
Anger rushed through me. I wanted to fol ow him and smack him harder than I'd ever hit anything before in my life. But I was too tired and too emotional to do anything. And I didn't want to fal off my roof. I stared straight after him and let out a long breath, so my next word had no trace of rage.
"Coward."
35
ON TUESDAY MY MOM CALLED ME INTO HER OFFICE as soon as I walked in the door after school. I prepared for a lecture over a progress report one of my teachers might have sent home, but something in her face when I entered told me she was way more pissed than she should have been over a bad grade.
"Come sit down, El ie," she said cool y. Her calm voice was too wrong coming from such an angry face. It petrified me.
I sat down in the chair across from her desk. I was pretty sure I was about to die. "What's up, Mom?"
"You'l never guess who I ran into while I was grocery shopping today."
Names spun through my head, but I tried to make it look like I wasn't thinking too hard. My body locked up with fear.
"Kate's mom," she said. "How could you do it, El ie? How could you lie like that?"
"I . . ." I didn't know what to say. To save the world? To save my soul? I had to do what I had to do, but I could never explain it to her. She could never understand.
She folded her arms over her chest. "That was one hel of an extravagant lie. And getting poor Kate to lie for you? Not to mention you made a fool out of me when I thanked her mom for taking you up north with them. It was very embarrassing when she had no idea what I was talking about."
It was almost impossible to get my lips moving enough to form words. "I'm sorry."
"Yeah, I don't think that cuts it, El ie," she said with a dark edge to her voice. "Where'd you actual y go? Were you with a boy? Landon?"
I closed my eyes tiredly. "No. I was with Wil ."
She didn't respond at first. "That boy in col ege? Your tutor?"
I felt so heavy in my seat, so heavy I just wanted to lie down. "Yes."
My mom stood and leaned over the desk. "You're seventeen! What were you thinking? I don't even know how to react to this. I honestly don't know what to say to you."
"I'm so sorry," I said, even though I knew she didn't want to hear it. "There's just a lot going on in my life right now and I don't real y know how to deal with it al . I've made a lot of mistakes."
"Come to me," she said. "It's my job to help you when you need it. Most of the things you're going through right now I've survived. School, boys, friends, mean girls. You tel me that you're fine and that I should trust you, but how can I when you've lied to me like this, Elisabeth? I can't be your mother if you won't let me into your life."
I stayed silent, knowing that anything I could say wouldn't justify how much I'd hurt my mom. She might never have had to deal with fighting soul-eating monsters, but I was facing al those other things too in one way or another.
She col apsed back into her chair and pressed a hand to her forehead. "Are you two intimate? Did you sleep with him?"
"No, Mom," I said. "No, we didn't, I swear. But would it be so terrible if we had?"
When her eyes met mine, the moment was intense and I refused to look away first. "I know you're at the age where you're going to start experimenting and there's nothing I can say or do to prevent it. Just, please, for the love of God, when you do, be safe."
"I wil ."
"You're grounded," she said exhaustedly. "I don't want you going anywhere with Wil . I can't prevent you from seeing him, because I think it's wrong to try to control you and prevent you from finding your own way through life. But you have to understand that he is, technical y, an adult, El ie. If you're going to be seeing him, it'l be under my roof and under my supervision."
Something invisible stabbed me in the gut. "Are you real y doing this?"
"You're a holy being. I can't touch you. I can be with you every day as your Guardian because it's my duty, but I can't touch you the way I ache to. This isn't what Michael intended when he asked me to protect you. It's dangerous for us both if we get too close."
I shook my head and fought back tears, unable to say anything.
"Other Guardians have died fulfil ing their duty to you long before I came along," he said, touching my cheek, my hair. "I wil die for you one day."
"Don't say that," I begged. "Wil , I'm in love with you. You're the only one who understands what I go through every day, the only one I can share this world with. You're my best friend, and I can't take it if you're going to shut me out like this."
He closed his eyes, squeezing them tight. His hands bal ed into fists and his wings gave a shudder. I felt like I was dying inside.
"You can't love me," he said, his voice pained. "And I can't love you either. You're not mine to love."
"I am yours--"
"El ie--"
"No!" I shouted, tears stinging my eyes. "You can't get this close to me and then push me away."
"I have to." His wings unfolded, moonlight gleaming off their feathers, and he jumped in the air. As I stared up at him, he flew away and disappeared into the woods behind my house, letting me know how different we truly were with that last image of him.
Anger rushed through me. I wanted to fol ow him and smack him harder than I'd ever hit anything before in my life. But I was too tired and too emotional to do anything. And I didn't want to fal off my roof. I stared straight after him and let out a long breath, so my next word had no trace of rage.
"Coward."
35
ON TUESDAY MY MOM CALLED ME INTO HER OFFICE as soon as I walked in the door after school. I prepared for a lecture over a progress report one of my teachers might have sent home, but something in her face when I entered told me she was way more pissed than she should have been over a bad grade.
"Come sit down, El ie," she said cool y. Her calm voice was too wrong coming from such an angry face. It petrified me.
I sat down in the chair across from her desk. I was pretty sure I was about to die. "What's up, Mom?"
"You'l never guess who I ran into while I was grocery shopping today."
Names spun through my head, but I tried to make it look like I wasn't thinking too hard. My body locked up with fear.
"Kate's mom," she said. "How could you do it, El ie? How could you lie like that?"
"I . . ." I didn't know what to say. To save the world? To save my soul? I had to do what I had to do, but I could never explain it to her. She could never understand.
She folded her arms over her chest. "That was one hel of an extravagant lie. And getting poor Kate to lie for you? Not to mention you made a fool out of me when I thanked her mom for taking you up north with them. It was very embarrassing when she had no idea what I was talking about."
It was almost impossible to get my lips moving enough to form words. "I'm sorry."
"Yeah, I don't think that cuts it, El ie," she said with a dark edge to her voice. "Where'd you actual y go? Were you with a boy? Landon?"
I closed my eyes tiredly. "No. I was with Wil ."
She didn't respond at first. "That boy in col ege? Your tutor?"
I felt so heavy in my seat, so heavy I just wanted to lie down. "Yes."
My mom stood and leaned over the desk. "You're seventeen! What were you thinking? I don't even know how to react to this. I honestly don't know what to say to you."
"I'm so sorry," I said, even though I knew she didn't want to hear it. "There's just a lot going on in my life right now and I don't real y know how to deal with it al . I've made a lot of mistakes."
"Come to me," she said. "It's my job to help you when you need it. Most of the things you're going through right now I've survived. School, boys, friends, mean girls. You tel me that you're fine and that I should trust you, but how can I when you've lied to me like this, Elisabeth? I can't be your mother if you won't let me into your life."
I stayed silent, knowing that anything I could say wouldn't justify how much I'd hurt my mom. She might never have had to deal with fighting soul-eating monsters, but I was facing al those other things too in one way or another.
She col apsed back into her chair and pressed a hand to her forehead. "Are you two intimate? Did you sleep with him?"
"No, Mom," I said. "No, we didn't, I swear. But would it be so terrible if we had?"
When her eyes met mine, the moment was intense and I refused to look away first. "I know you're at the age where you're going to start experimenting and there's nothing I can say or do to prevent it. Just, please, for the love of God, when you do, be safe."
"I wil ."
"You're grounded," she said exhaustedly. "I don't want you going anywhere with Wil . I can't prevent you from seeing him, because I think it's wrong to try to control you and prevent you from finding your own way through life. But you have to understand that he is, technical y, an adult, El ie. If you're going to be seeing him, it'l be under my roof and under my supervision."
