CHAPTER 17
Asa
I had told Rowdy months ago, when he was struggling with putting his feelings for Salem in order, that men who sacrificed, who gave of themselves for others, deserved every bit of happiness the world saw fit to set at their feet. I had only had Royal for a minute, a fraction of a second, but it was time that would matter more to me than all the years and decades I had wasted being a selfish and reckless bastard. What she had created within me was far more powerful and enduring than all the things I had destroyed on my own. For once I had done the right thing without thinking, without latching on to the easy way and just riding out the lie. There was no instinct to pretend—there was only the wish to protect the girl I knew I would love forever. She saw me, all of me, and none of the faces I wore scared her. Because of that, I would never let her know that her mother, the only parent she had, the woman that had raised her and loved her, had also propositioned me for sex. I would be the bad guy in this scenario where I had ultimately done nothing wrong and save Royal the heartache that dealing with that particular revelation would undoubtedly cause. I could be a hero for once even if she didn’t know that’s what I was doing.
It’s funny. It took breaking my own heart and walking away from the one thing I had ever really wanted for me to finally be able to see that I really had moved beyond the guy I had always been before.
Royal had called me every night since I walked out on her at her mom’s place. She never left a message, never texted me or showed up at the Bar, but every night when she knew I was off of work, she called and I stared at the phone, fighting with myself not to answer. I knew she was hurting, confused, and lost. Nash had been by to rip me a new asshole. Even quiet and shy Saint had swung by the Bar to let me know she thought I was an idiot and a dipshit. I didn’t defend myself, couldn’t explain why I had to walk away from Royal even when I had just realized she was what I wanted forever. So I just took the lashes, letting everyone think what they wanted, even Rome, who felt like it was his job to give me the third degree and tell me what an obviously horrible mistake I was making. I put them all off, told them all it was doomed from the beginning, and that I couldn’t believe anyone was surprised that my relationship with the beautiful cop had crashed and burned. I told them she wanted too much, that meeting her mom and pretending to be a normal guy in a normal relationship situation was too much for me. I wasn’t cut out for it. I maintained to them all that when you had lived a life like mine, good things were not part of the equation, and those words tended to shut everyone up. There were too many questions with answers that I couldn’t give, so eventually I just stopped talking about it altogether and the gang got the hint and left me alone about it.
I wasn’t at all surprised when I got a visit from a massive fellow in a full leg cast, moving like a ninety-year-old man except he was wearing a glower fierce enough to put the fear of God into any man. I knew he was here for her and I couldn’t blame him for the fact that he looked like he wanted to pull my intestines out through my nose.
I had met Dominic Voss one other time, while he was arresting me. The look on his face as he limped his way into the Bar to confront me was a hundred times more ferocious than it had been that night. Even on one leg and in an obviously huge amount of pain, Dom didn’t come across as a guy anyone would want to cross. When he propped himself up on the opposite side of the bar from me and stared me down, all I could do was look at him and wait to see what he had to say.
He ran his hands through his dark hair in an aggravated manner and asked me to pour him a shot of Maker’s Mark on the rocks. I turned to comply and set it down in front of him with a lifted eyebrow.
“I thought I was going to come in here and threaten to kick your ass … even with one leg. I thought I was going to tell you what an absolute moron you are for letting her go and that I was going to have to tell you that you have no idea what you’re going to miss out on by not letting a girl as wonderful as Royal love you.” He picked up the rocks glass and took a swig and then lifted both his eyebrows so that his expression mirrored my own. “But I can look at you and see that you know all of that. So now I want to ask you why you did it.”
I hadn’t slept in days. I was drinking my weight in scotch every single night. I hadn’t bothered to shave, so I was scruffy, and I knew that none of the usual polish that I hid behind could be found. I looked like I had just crawled out of that trailer in Kentucky after a month-long bender and I felt about the same.
Dom continued to stare at me and I continued to stare back. He was just one more person that wanted an explanation I couldn’t give.
“You look like shit. She looks like shit. Neither one of you seems to be on board with this breakup, so why don’t you do something about it, lover boy?”
I sighed and finally looked away from that penetrating green gaze. I gazed down at the bar and lifted a hand to rub absently at the back of my neck. The knots of tension that were coiled there felt like balls of steel and iron under my skin.
“Nothing can be done about it, cop. If there was a better answer than that, I would give it … to her, not to you.”
He grunted at me and slammed back the rest of his drink. “You broke her fucking heart, which already makes you a piece of shit, but what really makes you a fuck wad is that you broke it after putting it back together for her. Why bother fixing her if you were just going to tear her back to pieces?”
That made my chest contract and my hands clench involuntarily. She was already all together when I got my hands on her. Her pieces were just a little jumbled up and out of order because she cared so much about her partner and seeing him get hurt knocked her a little loose. All I did was straighten those pieces out and tighten her back up. If anyone had put the work in to fix anyone, it was the other way around. I didn’t realize how broken I had been until she started tinkering around in all the darkness and shining her light on it. Without Royal, there was no way I would’ve been able to know that even though I had hurt her like this, it was for the best.
“If there was any other way to do this, I would’ve found it. Believe me or don’t, but I walked away for her, not because of her.”
Dom grunted again and hobbled back onto his crutches. “You better have one hell of a good reason for doing this to her.”
Oh, I had a really fucking good reason, but I wasn’t going to share it with anyone and run the risk of ripping Royal’s small family apart. Sometimes the sins of the parents did not have to be suffered by their children.
Asa
I had told Rowdy months ago, when he was struggling with putting his feelings for Salem in order, that men who sacrificed, who gave of themselves for others, deserved every bit of happiness the world saw fit to set at their feet. I had only had Royal for a minute, a fraction of a second, but it was time that would matter more to me than all the years and decades I had wasted being a selfish and reckless bastard. What she had created within me was far more powerful and enduring than all the things I had destroyed on my own. For once I had done the right thing without thinking, without latching on to the easy way and just riding out the lie. There was no instinct to pretend—there was only the wish to protect the girl I knew I would love forever. She saw me, all of me, and none of the faces I wore scared her. Because of that, I would never let her know that her mother, the only parent she had, the woman that had raised her and loved her, had also propositioned me for sex. I would be the bad guy in this scenario where I had ultimately done nothing wrong and save Royal the heartache that dealing with that particular revelation would undoubtedly cause. I could be a hero for once even if she didn’t know that’s what I was doing.
It’s funny. It took breaking my own heart and walking away from the one thing I had ever really wanted for me to finally be able to see that I really had moved beyond the guy I had always been before.
Royal had called me every night since I walked out on her at her mom’s place. She never left a message, never texted me or showed up at the Bar, but every night when she knew I was off of work, she called and I stared at the phone, fighting with myself not to answer. I knew she was hurting, confused, and lost. Nash had been by to rip me a new asshole. Even quiet and shy Saint had swung by the Bar to let me know she thought I was an idiot and a dipshit. I didn’t defend myself, couldn’t explain why I had to walk away from Royal even when I had just realized she was what I wanted forever. So I just took the lashes, letting everyone think what they wanted, even Rome, who felt like it was his job to give me the third degree and tell me what an obviously horrible mistake I was making. I put them all off, told them all it was doomed from the beginning, and that I couldn’t believe anyone was surprised that my relationship with the beautiful cop had crashed and burned. I told them she wanted too much, that meeting her mom and pretending to be a normal guy in a normal relationship situation was too much for me. I wasn’t cut out for it. I maintained to them all that when you had lived a life like mine, good things were not part of the equation, and those words tended to shut everyone up. There were too many questions with answers that I couldn’t give, so eventually I just stopped talking about it altogether and the gang got the hint and left me alone about it.
I wasn’t at all surprised when I got a visit from a massive fellow in a full leg cast, moving like a ninety-year-old man except he was wearing a glower fierce enough to put the fear of God into any man. I knew he was here for her and I couldn’t blame him for the fact that he looked like he wanted to pull my intestines out through my nose.
I had met Dominic Voss one other time, while he was arresting me. The look on his face as he limped his way into the Bar to confront me was a hundred times more ferocious than it had been that night. Even on one leg and in an obviously huge amount of pain, Dom didn’t come across as a guy anyone would want to cross. When he propped himself up on the opposite side of the bar from me and stared me down, all I could do was look at him and wait to see what he had to say.
He ran his hands through his dark hair in an aggravated manner and asked me to pour him a shot of Maker’s Mark on the rocks. I turned to comply and set it down in front of him with a lifted eyebrow.
“I thought I was going to come in here and threaten to kick your ass … even with one leg. I thought I was going to tell you what an absolute moron you are for letting her go and that I was going to have to tell you that you have no idea what you’re going to miss out on by not letting a girl as wonderful as Royal love you.” He picked up the rocks glass and took a swig and then lifted both his eyebrows so that his expression mirrored my own. “But I can look at you and see that you know all of that. So now I want to ask you why you did it.”
I hadn’t slept in days. I was drinking my weight in scotch every single night. I hadn’t bothered to shave, so I was scruffy, and I knew that none of the usual polish that I hid behind could be found. I looked like I had just crawled out of that trailer in Kentucky after a month-long bender and I felt about the same.
Dom continued to stare at me and I continued to stare back. He was just one more person that wanted an explanation I couldn’t give.
“You look like shit. She looks like shit. Neither one of you seems to be on board with this breakup, so why don’t you do something about it, lover boy?”
I sighed and finally looked away from that penetrating green gaze. I gazed down at the bar and lifted a hand to rub absently at the back of my neck. The knots of tension that were coiled there felt like balls of steel and iron under my skin.
“Nothing can be done about it, cop. If there was a better answer than that, I would give it … to her, not to you.”
He grunted at me and slammed back the rest of his drink. “You broke her fucking heart, which already makes you a piece of shit, but what really makes you a fuck wad is that you broke it after putting it back together for her. Why bother fixing her if you were just going to tear her back to pieces?”
That made my chest contract and my hands clench involuntarily. She was already all together when I got my hands on her. Her pieces were just a little jumbled up and out of order because she cared so much about her partner and seeing him get hurt knocked her a little loose. All I did was straighten those pieces out and tighten her back up. If anyone had put the work in to fix anyone, it was the other way around. I didn’t realize how broken I had been until she started tinkering around in all the darkness and shining her light on it. Without Royal, there was no way I would’ve been able to know that even though I had hurt her like this, it was for the best.
“If there was any other way to do this, I would’ve found it. Believe me or don’t, but I walked away for her, not because of her.”
Dom grunted again and hobbled back onto his crutches. “You better have one hell of a good reason for doing this to her.”
Oh, I had a really fucking good reason, but I wasn’t going to share it with anyone and run the risk of ripping Royal’s small family apart. Sometimes the sins of the parents did not have to be suffered by their children.
