I bite my lip, trying to calm down. “Two and a half. I left mid-year.”
“To Chicago, right? The big city. Did you like it?” He grins and his cheeks dimple.
Christ, when did all the boys I knew turn into heartthrobs?
“It was okay.” Brilliant conversational skills, Audrey, well done. I clear my throat. “It was tough at first. I didn’t know anyone there and Mom worked all the time.” Now I sound whiny. Jesus. “She had to, of course. And after a while it was fine.”
Okay, that’s a big fat lie. It was never fine, and I ran away as soon as I could, which is now. Mom turned into a workaholic and I’ve been lonely and kinda lost.
“You vanished,” Rafe says. “I looked for you online, but I only found your old Twitter and LiveJournal accounts. Are you hiding under a fake name or something?” He winks.
I shrug. “No.”
“Well, you look good,” Zane says, swirling the ice-cubes in his whiskey. His dark eyes narrow to slits. “With the accident, I thought you’d be... different.”
Silence greets his words, and a flash of panic goes through me. “Like what?”
“Z-man, shut your mouth,” Dylan says. His fists clench and he seems about to pound Zane into the wall.
Zane lifts his hands. “Hey, f**ker, cool your engines. I only meant... Hell, I don’t know what I meant. You said she was scarred, Dylan. I don’t see any scars, that’s all. That’s a good thing, man.”
My breath catches.
Dylan is already moving toward Zane and I insert myself between them. “It’s okay, Dyl.”
Dylan looks uncertain. “I’ll bust his balls.”
Zane gives him the finger, his eyes hooded. “Fuck you, man. Sorry if my social skills need polishing. I didn’t mean anything by it.”
“It’s called being civil,” Dylan grounds out.
“Maybe nobody cared to teach me how to open doors and pull back chairs for the chicks, but I honestly didn’t mean anything,” Zane mutters.
“I said it’s okay.” I suck in a deep breath. I’m over my initial reaction, brought on by the memories of the town and its people. I can do this. I saw a therapist in Chicago, and I’ve learned to be in control of myself. “I have some scars, but they’re old now and don’t show much. This,” I touch the one on my cheek, turning so Zane can see it, “is the only one on my face.”
He nods stiffly, his gaze flicking away. “I’m sorry, Audrey. Honest.”
My chest expands again. “No problem.”
Dylan throws an arm over my shoulders and tugs me away from his friends. “Let’s leave these idiots and go get some air, huh?”
“Hey, what did I do?” Rafe mutters behind us.
“They’re okay,” I say, feeling bad for the argument.
“Yeah, they’re okay,” Dylan concedes as he pulls me through the open door at the other end of the room and out into the cool night air. “Hearts of gold. Just acting like morons most of the time.”
“I didn’t mind,” I say, freeing myself and walking to the rail of the balcony. “I can take it.”
“You shouldn’t have to,” Dylan says quietly.
I just stare out into the night. The sky’s clear and the moon bright. You can smell the lake on the air. “I like your new look.”
He’s my best friend, along with Tessa, and I’ve only seen him a couple of times since we moved to Chicago after the accident.
“It’s not new. I’ve had it for more than a year now. You’d have seen it on Facebook if you had a look.”
After the accident I avoided social media. Social events. Social everything. For a while, I hadn’t been sure I was even alive anymore.
Dylan nudges me with his elbow. “Didn’t mean to upset you.”
“I’m not upset. I’ve missed you,” I say. “A lot.”
“I thought you’d never come back.”
Time to acknowledge the truth. “I never wanted to leave.”
“Even though the place reminds you of your dad?”
“Because of that.” I smile. “And because I was happy here. I realized that running away wouldn’t make me happy.”
“I’m glad you’re back,” Dylan says. “I hope you’ll find here what you need.”
***
Finding what I need means deciding what that is. And I have no clue what I need, not yet.
Meanwhile, I drink my beer and move around, talking to people. Dylan’s right: I see familiar faces from my class, and I can scarcely admit it to myself—or Tessa—but I’m having a good time. Alcohol helps me open up and soon enough I’m laughing and even dancing with Tessa in the living room.
I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun. For a moment, I forget the past, my mom, the stress of moving here and enrolling in classes. I have a feeling everything will turn out all right.
Tessa twists against me, throwing her long blond ponytail in my face. I shove her off, laughing and flinging my loose red curls at her.
“Come on, girl, shake those hips,” she shouts over the music, making me wonder just how drunk she is.
“It’s hip hop, not salsa.” I do shake my body, though, and we bump hips. It’s good to have Tessa back in my life. It feels great to know our friendship withstood the time and distance.
I can put the past behind me. I’ll stop having nightmares. I’ll be happy. Hey, it’s a new beginning, right?
That’s when I see him.
Asher.
At first I think I’m mistaken. I’ve gone back to the cooler by the table for another beer and see a guy leaning by the door, a booted foot propped on the wall, a beer in one hand. Messy black hair, arctic blue eyes, a dark tattoo winding up the side of his neck.
No. It can’t be.
The guy looks up and his eyes widen. The color drains from his face and his mouth opens as if he’s about to speak.
Yeah, it’s Asher. There’s no mistaking him.
My breath freezes in my lungs. I can’t help staring, my face heating. Like always, I instinctively lean toward him, drawn like a moth to the flame.
He seems taller, more muscular, his biceps bulging through his thin T-shirt. But it’s the same handsome face, the same beautiful full lips.
The lips that gave me my first kiss. He turned my world upside down. I was so in love with him. He was my neighbor, my best friend, my buddy. He also was my partner in chemistry and math, and he was brilliant. Kind. Funny. Hot as hell.
Then he kissed me.
And ignored me ever after. Granted, he was absent from school a lot by then, for reasons nobody seemed to know. One thing I knew was that he started getting into fights and getting expelled. It was strange and annoying, but worst of all, he stopped talking to me. I’d often catch his cool gaze on me, but he’d turn away as soon as he caught me looking.
It broke my young heart. I swore to forget all about him.
Weird, though, how every single guy I dated ever since has looked like him—tats, blue eyes, dark hair. Heaps of bad attitude. Lots of anger and violence.
Damn.
I turn around, shoving through the crowd. I’m over him. Definitely and irrevocably.
The night his dad got drunk and crashed into our car, killing my dad and scarring me for life.
***
I fight my way through the crowd. My goal is to get away—as far away from Asher as possible.
That means leaving the party, and although it sucks because it’s still early and I’ve already decided to fit in, blend in, make new friends and a new life, there’s no way I’m staying with him around.
Only Tess is my ride back and she’s nowhere to be seen. Panic tightens my throat. I kept glancing back over my shoulder. No idea why I think Asher might follow me. Why should he?
I’m getting out of here, ride or not. I might even walk back. I head toward the exit.
“Leaving already?” Zane is wrapped around a beautiful girl with skin like coffee and cream, and his slanted eyes have that glazed look of the happily inebriated.
“Yeah.” I glance around but still can’t see Tessa.
“But it’s early. We’re having a good time,” Zane whines, “aren’t we, Meg?”
The girl he’s hugging pats him on the arm and laughs. “Yes, Zane, we are.”
“See?” Zane brightens. “Come on, don’t go.”
“Why’s Asher here?” The words come out of my mouth before I realize. Crap.
“Asher? Ash Devlin?”
God, why am I even talking about this? “I need to get going. I’ll walk. It’s not far.”
“Wait, Audrey.” Zane lets go of the pretty girl—Meg, is it?—and runs a hand over the shaved side of his head. “Look, I didn’t expect Ash to be here tonight. Normally he works evenings, but he came over yesterday and he’s crashing on the couch for a few days. I didn’t think you’d mind. It’s been some time since you left town, since the accident, and I thought—”
“It’s fine.” But it isn’t.
I should have expected it, I realize in retrospect. He and Zane have been friends from way back. Zane who started as an apprentice in a tattoo parlor since age thirteen, inked Asher’s tat and they did everything together—especially since Ash stopped being best buddies with me.
“He’s changed,” Zane says quietly. “He won’t bother you. He doesn’t drink or get into fights anymore. He’s not a bad guy, Audrey, you have nothing to worry about.”
“Leave it be, okay?” God, Zane’s seeing right through me, and it hurts. Asher is volatile, unpredictable and a heart-breaker, I’ve learned that lesson in high school, and I just want out of here. I can’t breathe. “Tell Tessa—”
“Tell me what?” She comes toward me, a glass in her hand. “Audrey?”
“I’m leaving.”
She opens her mouth, closes it. Opens it again. “Now?”
“Yes, now.”
Zane is gesturing and mouthing something to her over my head.
Enough. I turn and head toward the door.
“Audrey, wait.” Tessa runs after me, her high heels clacking on the floor, glass still in hand. “So what if Ash is here?”
I stop. “How can you ask me that?”
“I didn’t know you’d be so upset.”
Suddenly all my warm fuzzy thoughts about our friendship go cold. Nobody seems to understand. “It’s too much,” I say. “I need to get out.”
“Okay.” Tessa leaves the glass on a table and grabs her purse from the hanger. “Come on.” Grabbing my arm, she marches me outside. We go down the stairs and head toward her Jeep. “I’m sorry I didn’t realize.”
I nod, trying to focus. “I’m driving. You’ve had too much to drink.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. I’ll walk home from your place. It’s only a couple of blocks.”
She sighs and throws me the car keys. “Okay. Just don’t tell my parents I let you drive. Or that I got drunk. Kay?”
We walk to the Jeep in silence, shivering in the cool evening breeze. I unlock the car and we quickly slip inside. I start the engine.
“Must be hard,” Tessa says, not looking at me, rubbing her hands over her legs. “This mess.”
“It is.”
“For both of you,” she deadpans.
Whatever. I don’t know what she’s talking about, and quite frankly I’m not in the mood to try and find out.
Chapter Two
Asher
Audrey is here. Right here, in front of me, more gorgeous than ever, curvier, her red hair loose, her green eyes bright. Seeing her is a punch to my gut, like every single time—an ache sharper than that of any physical wound.
“To Chicago, right? The big city. Did you like it?” He grins and his cheeks dimple.
Christ, when did all the boys I knew turn into heartthrobs?
“It was okay.” Brilliant conversational skills, Audrey, well done. I clear my throat. “It was tough at first. I didn’t know anyone there and Mom worked all the time.” Now I sound whiny. Jesus. “She had to, of course. And after a while it was fine.”
Okay, that’s a big fat lie. It was never fine, and I ran away as soon as I could, which is now. Mom turned into a workaholic and I’ve been lonely and kinda lost.
“You vanished,” Rafe says. “I looked for you online, but I only found your old Twitter and LiveJournal accounts. Are you hiding under a fake name or something?” He winks.
I shrug. “No.”
“Well, you look good,” Zane says, swirling the ice-cubes in his whiskey. His dark eyes narrow to slits. “With the accident, I thought you’d be... different.”
Silence greets his words, and a flash of panic goes through me. “Like what?”
“Z-man, shut your mouth,” Dylan says. His fists clench and he seems about to pound Zane into the wall.
Zane lifts his hands. “Hey, f**ker, cool your engines. I only meant... Hell, I don’t know what I meant. You said she was scarred, Dylan. I don’t see any scars, that’s all. That’s a good thing, man.”
My breath catches.
Dylan is already moving toward Zane and I insert myself between them. “It’s okay, Dyl.”
Dylan looks uncertain. “I’ll bust his balls.”
Zane gives him the finger, his eyes hooded. “Fuck you, man. Sorry if my social skills need polishing. I didn’t mean anything by it.”
“It’s called being civil,” Dylan grounds out.
“Maybe nobody cared to teach me how to open doors and pull back chairs for the chicks, but I honestly didn’t mean anything,” Zane mutters.
“I said it’s okay.” I suck in a deep breath. I’m over my initial reaction, brought on by the memories of the town and its people. I can do this. I saw a therapist in Chicago, and I’ve learned to be in control of myself. “I have some scars, but they’re old now and don’t show much. This,” I touch the one on my cheek, turning so Zane can see it, “is the only one on my face.”
He nods stiffly, his gaze flicking away. “I’m sorry, Audrey. Honest.”
My chest expands again. “No problem.”
Dylan throws an arm over my shoulders and tugs me away from his friends. “Let’s leave these idiots and go get some air, huh?”
“Hey, what did I do?” Rafe mutters behind us.
“They’re okay,” I say, feeling bad for the argument.
“Yeah, they’re okay,” Dylan concedes as he pulls me through the open door at the other end of the room and out into the cool night air. “Hearts of gold. Just acting like morons most of the time.”
“I didn’t mind,” I say, freeing myself and walking to the rail of the balcony. “I can take it.”
“You shouldn’t have to,” Dylan says quietly.
I just stare out into the night. The sky’s clear and the moon bright. You can smell the lake on the air. “I like your new look.”
He’s my best friend, along with Tessa, and I’ve only seen him a couple of times since we moved to Chicago after the accident.
“It’s not new. I’ve had it for more than a year now. You’d have seen it on Facebook if you had a look.”
After the accident I avoided social media. Social events. Social everything. For a while, I hadn’t been sure I was even alive anymore.
Dylan nudges me with his elbow. “Didn’t mean to upset you.”
“I’m not upset. I’ve missed you,” I say. “A lot.”
“I thought you’d never come back.”
Time to acknowledge the truth. “I never wanted to leave.”
“Even though the place reminds you of your dad?”
“Because of that.” I smile. “And because I was happy here. I realized that running away wouldn’t make me happy.”
“I’m glad you’re back,” Dylan says. “I hope you’ll find here what you need.”
***
Finding what I need means deciding what that is. And I have no clue what I need, not yet.
Meanwhile, I drink my beer and move around, talking to people. Dylan’s right: I see familiar faces from my class, and I can scarcely admit it to myself—or Tessa—but I’m having a good time. Alcohol helps me open up and soon enough I’m laughing and even dancing with Tessa in the living room.
I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun. For a moment, I forget the past, my mom, the stress of moving here and enrolling in classes. I have a feeling everything will turn out all right.
Tessa twists against me, throwing her long blond ponytail in my face. I shove her off, laughing and flinging my loose red curls at her.
“Come on, girl, shake those hips,” she shouts over the music, making me wonder just how drunk she is.
“It’s hip hop, not salsa.” I do shake my body, though, and we bump hips. It’s good to have Tessa back in my life. It feels great to know our friendship withstood the time and distance.
I can put the past behind me. I’ll stop having nightmares. I’ll be happy. Hey, it’s a new beginning, right?
That’s when I see him.
Asher.
At first I think I’m mistaken. I’ve gone back to the cooler by the table for another beer and see a guy leaning by the door, a booted foot propped on the wall, a beer in one hand. Messy black hair, arctic blue eyes, a dark tattoo winding up the side of his neck.
No. It can’t be.
The guy looks up and his eyes widen. The color drains from his face and his mouth opens as if he’s about to speak.
Yeah, it’s Asher. There’s no mistaking him.
My breath freezes in my lungs. I can’t help staring, my face heating. Like always, I instinctively lean toward him, drawn like a moth to the flame.
He seems taller, more muscular, his biceps bulging through his thin T-shirt. But it’s the same handsome face, the same beautiful full lips.
The lips that gave me my first kiss. He turned my world upside down. I was so in love with him. He was my neighbor, my best friend, my buddy. He also was my partner in chemistry and math, and he was brilliant. Kind. Funny. Hot as hell.
Then he kissed me.
And ignored me ever after. Granted, he was absent from school a lot by then, for reasons nobody seemed to know. One thing I knew was that he started getting into fights and getting expelled. It was strange and annoying, but worst of all, he stopped talking to me. I’d often catch his cool gaze on me, but he’d turn away as soon as he caught me looking.
It broke my young heart. I swore to forget all about him.
Weird, though, how every single guy I dated ever since has looked like him—tats, blue eyes, dark hair. Heaps of bad attitude. Lots of anger and violence.
Damn.
I turn around, shoving through the crowd. I’m over him. Definitely and irrevocably.
The night his dad got drunk and crashed into our car, killing my dad and scarring me for life.
***
I fight my way through the crowd. My goal is to get away—as far away from Asher as possible.
That means leaving the party, and although it sucks because it’s still early and I’ve already decided to fit in, blend in, make new friends and a new life, there’s no way I’m staying with him around.
Only Tess is my ride back and she’s nowhere to be seen. Panic tightens my throat. I kept glancing back over my shoulder. No idea why I think Asher might follow me. Why should he?
I’m getting out of here, ride or not. I might even walk back. I head toward the exit.
“Leaving already?” Zane is wrapped around a beautiful girl with skin like coffee and cream, and his slanted eyes have that glazed look of the happily inebriated.
“Yeah.” I glance around but still can’t see Tessa.
“But it’s early. We’re having a good time,” Zane whines, “aren’t we, Meg?”
The girl he’s hugging pats him on the arm and laughs. “Yes, Zane, we are.”
“See?” Zane brightens. “Come on, don’t go.”
“Why’s Asher here?” The words come out of my mouth before I realize. Crap.
“Asher? Ash Devlin?”
God, why am I even talking about this? “I need to get going. I’ll walk. It’s not far.”
“Wait, Audrey.” Zane lets go of the pretty girl—Meg, is it?—and runs a hand over the shaved side of his head. “Look, I didn’t expect Ash to be here tonight. Normally he works evenings, but he came over yesterday and he’s crashing on the couch for a few days. I didn’t think you’d mind. It’s been some time since you left town, since the accident, and I thought—”
“It’s fine.” But it isn’t.
I should have expected it, I realize in retrospect. He and Zane have been friends from way back. Zane who started as an apprentice in a tattoo parlor since age thirteen, inked Asher’s tat and they did everything together—especially since Ash stopped being best buddies with me.
“He’s changed,” Zane says quietly. “He won’t bother you. He doesn’t drink or get into fights anymore. He’s not a bad guy, Audrey, you have nothing to worry about.”
“Leave it be, okay?” God, Zane’s seeing right through me, and it hurts. Asher is volatile, unpredictable and a heart-breaker, I’ve learned that lesson in high school, and I just want out of here. I can’t breathe. “Tell Tessa—”
“Tell me what?” She comes toward me, a glass in her hand. “Audrey?”
“I’m leaving.”
She opens her mouth, closes it. Opens it again. “Now?”
“Yes, now.”
Zane is gesturing and mouthing something to her over my head.
Enough. I turn and head toward the door.
“Audrey, wait.” Tessa runs after me, her high heels clacking on the floor, glass still in hand. “So what if Ash is here?”
I stop. “How can you ask me that?”
“I didn’t know you’d be so upset.”
Suddenly all my warm fuzzy thoughts about our friendship go cold. Nobody seems to understand. “It’s too much,” I say. “I need to get out.”
“Okay.” Tessa leaves the glass on a table and grabs her purse from the hanger. “Come on.” Grabbing my arm, she marches me outside. We go down the stairs and head toward her Jeep. “I’m sorry I didn’t realize.”
I nod, trying to focus. “I’m driving. You’ve had too much to drink.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yeah. I’ll walk home from your place. It’s only a couple of blocks.”
She sighs and throws me the car keys. “Okay. Just don’t tell my parents I let you drive. Or that I got drunk. Kay?”
We walk to the Jeep in silence, shivering in the cool evening breeze. I unlock the car and we quickly slip inside. I start the engine.
“Must be hard,” Tessa says, not looking at me, rubbing her hands over her legs. “This mess.”
“It is.”
“For both of you,” she deadpans.
Whatever. I don’t know what she’s talking about, and quite frankly I’m not in the mood to try and find out.
Chapter Two
Asher
Audrey is here. Right here, in front of me, more gorgeous than ever, curvier, her red hair loose, her green eyes bright. Seeing her is a punch to my gut, like every single time—an ache sharper than that of any physical wound.
