But Zane doesn’t hit me. Of course he doesn’t. He sits down on his haunches and grunts, a horrified look in his eyes. His tongue toys with the barbell. “Holy shit, f**ker, your face is black and blue. Your dad do this to you?”
Who does he think? Santa Claus?
Hey, it has to be almost Christmas, right? That strikes me as funny for some reason. I start to laugh and have to hold my aching ribs with one hand, gasping for breath.
That seems to snap Zane into action. He tugs on my arm until I sit up and steadies me when I sway. “Goddammit, man, that bastard did a real number on you this time, didn’t he?”
I have no words, and I’m nauseous again. Fuck, I thought that evil was over. “Not the first time,” I say, my words slurred. “Caught me by surprise. I thought he stopped drinking.” I moan, grabbing my head. “I’m not going back.”
God, I have to stop talking. Can’t lay all this on Zane. Not with what he has to deal with. I can handle myself.
He stands up and pulls me to my feet. Black spots swim in my vision and my knees buckle. Good thing he grabs me under the armpits.
Yeah, I can handle myself just fine. Right.
“You bastard,” he hisses in my ear. “I told you to call me when you needed something, and this qualifies as needing something, got it?”
I’m too busy trying not to hurl to reply. My lack of answer doesn’t seem to faze him. Maybe he takes my silence as agreement. Maybe it is.
I’m past thinking and past caring.
“You’re coming with me.” He slings my arm over his shoulders and leads me to his car. I let him buckle me in. I’m exhausted just from crossing the street.
Boy is Erin gonna be pissed to see me. The thought sends me chuckling again, and ow, my ribs smart.
Zane keeps sending me strange looks as he drives. “You okay?”
It strikes me as funny he should ask at this point and I want to laugh harder. But then I realize he must be thinking I’ve gone off the deep end. I probably sound like a lunatic, laughing without a reason, and force myself to stop.
“You should have called me,” Zane is muttering under his breath. “You should have.... Damn, f**ker, you could have died if you’d stayed out there tonight. What the hell were you thinking?”
I have no answer to that.
But Zane’s on a roll. “If you’d died, I wouldn’t have known. You should have called me. I’m taking you to the hospital.”
“No. I’m okay.”
“The hell you are. Let me get you checked out.”
“I said no.” We’ve had this discussion before and Zane knows my answer won’t change.
He tries a different tack. “Temperature’s going down to zero tonight. Don’t you know any better? Where’s your damn cell?”
My cell? “Must have left it at home.”
“We’ll drive by and get it.”
“No!” I make a grab for his arm. “I said I’m not going back there, Z-man.”
I can’t put Dad in jail. But I also can’t fight him anymore. God knows I’ve tried—hell, he goads me all the time, leaves me no choice—but he’s too strong, too unpredictable, friendly one day and in a murderous mood the next. Ever since Mom fell sick, and since her death, he’s been so angry.
Anger runs in the family.
Zane is giving me a wide-eyed look. “Okay, we’re not going to your dad’s. Dammit. Where will you go?” He winces as soon as the words leave his mouth. “For now you’re staying with me, that goes without saying, f**ker.”
But later... Yeah, I know. I let go of his arm and lean back in the seat, gritting my teeth. I have to find another solution, but I’m too damn tired and the heater blows warmth on my icy face, making me sleepy.
I’m dozing by the time he parks and comes around to pull me out of the car. Then I’m wide awake because the pain leaves me breathless. It’s as if blades are being shoved into my lower back and, I swear, my head’s about to split in half.
“Come on.” Zane frowns at me, then slings my arm over his shoulders once more, which is a good thing the way the street keeps tilting. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”
I follow him up the stairs, doing the best I can to keep up. Zane ushers me inside and drops me on his sofa. I groan and just sprawl there, wheezing. It’s so warm inside. I feel as if my skin is melting.
“Man, you’re f**ked up,” he says and shakes his head in wonder as he shrugs off his jacket.
Yeah, you can say that.
He leaves and comes back with clothes—underwear, drawstring pants, a T-shirt. “You stink. Go shower. Towel’s on the rack.”
He’s merciless. He leaves me no choice, pulling me to my feet and helping me to the bathroom. “Want me to undress you?” he asks.
I give him the finger, and that seems to please him. Bastard. He makes kissy lips at me and leaves before I try to punch him in the face.
‘Try’ being the operative word. My balance is still shot to hell, and my stomach has been empty for a while. It sure doesn’t help with the dizziness.
I take a hot shower, hissing when the water hits plenty of tender spots. My whole back is a mass of pain. I can’t remember Dad hitting me so much but my memory is hazy. Or did he do it after I blacked out?
Shuddering at the thought, I rush through my cleaning ritual, shampooing my hair. The water swirls dark down the drain. I stare at it for a moment before I mentally shake myself and grab the towel. Securing it around my hips, I reach for the clothes.
It’s then I notice the banging on the bathroom door.
“What?” I throw it open and Zane steps inside, a frown on his face. He folds his colorfully inked arms over his chest.
“I’ve been knocking for a while” he says. “Are you deaf?”
I lean on the sink, not sure of my balance. “I don’t know, man. What do you need?”
“I was just checking you didn’t fall on your face and—” His eyes widen. “Fuck, Ash. Your back.”
Um yeah. I haven’t taken a look in the mirror yet, but I turn now.
Shit.
The scars aren’t what shocks me, although I’m pretty sure they’re one of the things turning Zane’s face pale. He’s never seen them before. I still have some impressive purple welts striping my pale skin, a souvenir from Dad’s last violent fit.
No, what shocks me is the color of my lower back, a really deep black and blue. Jesus Christ.
“There’s an urgent care not far from here,” Zane is saying, his voice hushed. “In fact, I’m taking you there right now. What if you ruptured something? Let me get my things and—”
“No.”
“Dammit, f**ker, this is serious. I’ll just—”
I get in his face then. “If I go to the hospital and they see the damage, they’ll arrest my old man for parole violation. Leave it be, Z-man.”
“You’re eighteen now.” He sucks on the barbell studding his tongue, like he always does when he’s nervous. “You won’t be going into the foster system, so why do you care? Let him be locked up. Bastard deserves it.”
Foster care. That was my great fear after the accident, partly because of Zane. He told me some stuff from his own experience with the system that set my hair on end—and I have a feeling he hasn’t even told me everything that happened to him.
I’ve been lucky so far, in this at least. Dad received a suspended sentence and never went to jail. The fact he had no criminal record and Mom’s death had clearly affected him made the judge lenient.
But I can’t do it. I hate the bastard, but he’s the only family I have left. I guess I’m still hoping I’ll find a way to make him stop drinking one day. Help him find his old self.
“Ash.” Zane sounds exasperated. “Come on. Let me take you to the hospital.”
“Forget it, Z-man.” I swallow a sigh. “Look, if I ruptured something, I’d be dead by now. It’s been two days. I’ll be fine.”
Zane doesn’t seem impressed by my flawless logic. His eyes narrow. “Where did you go? You weren’t out on the street for two days, you’d be frozen solid by now.”
“Don’t know.” I’m not going to tell him about the fight club. Zane is a great friend, but I don’t think he’d appreciate my having friends in the underground.
“You don’t know? How can you not know?”
He sounds pissed again and my temper flares, too. “I just don’t, okay? I wasn’t at my best. Truth is, I can’t remember much.”
“Christ, Ash.” He shakes his head. He walks out of the bathroom, muttering to himself. “You look like roadkill,” he calls out. “Like you’re about to keel over. Sit down. I’m ordering pizza.”
“Now you’re talking.” Even if my stomach is roiling so badly right now I might throw up, I can’t let him notice.
Roadkill. Just how I feel, too. Awesome.
***
Zane tiptoes around me during the next few days. Normally I’d get into his face and tell him to knock it off, but I’m too out of it to care. I spend quite a lot of time lying on my side, drifting in and out of sleep.
He keeps forcing me to drink and eat, which is weird. I normally eat like a horse. My head is slowly clearing, though, and I now have enough energy to help out in the apartment—washing, cleaning, fixing the leaking faucets and the heater.
Erin isn’t around. A good thing. Zane says she left early to visit her family for Christmas and I can’t help thinking it’s because of my sudden arrival. Zane tells me I’m more than welcome to stay over the entire holidays.
That’s a weight off my shoulders—postponing the inevitable, the moment I have to leave and find a way to make ends meet somehow.
I still sleep a lot. Have loads of f**king nightmares - but also wet dreams, always involving Audrey, dammit. Can’t get her out of my head. I’m like a junky who’s laid off the stuff for a while and after a tiny taste I’m craving it more than ever.
In my dreams I kiss Audrey and she’s into it, like for real, and I can somehow see her black bra through her clothes and the outline of her br**sts. In others, I’m moving inside her even though we’re both fully dressed, and then I wake up, a hot, sticky mess on the sheets and my heart pounding.
God, I’m so hard for her.
How stupid. She despises me. Time to believe it, and forget her.
Yeah, right. I wish it were that easy.
The guys come over a couple of times—Rafe, Tessa, even Dylan.
I used to know Dylan. But I don’t know what earned him the badge of the Inked Brotherhood Zane has tattooed on his shoulder. Seeing him is awkward after the words we exchanged at Zane’s party. That was the last time we talked.
He seems uneasy, too, and I wonder what Zane told him. Not that I think Dylan knows about my dad. Only Zane knows, and Tessa has a vague idea. That’s the way I want it. I don’t want anyone’s pity.
I’ll make a plan. I’m not a pu**y. And yeah, I’m aware these are the words my dad always throws at me. But I’m not giving up, even though at times I think I might.
I can handle this.
Rafe I’m okay with. He’s easygoing and we talk about his interest in kickboxing. He also talks about his courses at college and the band he belongs to. A punk rock band, apparently, and he’s their drummer.
Sometimes it’s easy to forget his past is so dark. Everyone knows how he became a member of the brotherhood and got his badge of honor, inked by Zane. The loss of his entire family back when he was fifteen occupied the media for months. A gruesome murder that shook the community.
Who knows what it did to Rafe. The thought makes my troubles seem small by comparison. In his place I might have given up on life.
Who does he think? Santa Claus?
Hey, it has to be almost Christmas, right? That strikes me as funny for some reason. I start to laugh and have to hold my aching ribs with one hand, gasping for breath.
That seems to snap Zane into action. He tugs on my arm until I sit up and steadies me when I sway. “Goddammit, man, that bastard did a real number on you this time, didn’t he?”
I have no words, and I’m nauseous again. Fuck, I thought that evil was over. “Not the first time,” I say, my words slurred. “Caught me by surprise. I thought he stopped drinking.” I moan, grabbing my head. “I’m not going back.”
God, I have to stop talking. Can’t lay all this on Zane. Not with what he has to deal with. I can handle myself.
He stands up and pulls me to my feet. Black spots swim in my vision and my knees buckle. Good thing he grabs me under the armpits.
Yeah, I can handle myself just fine. Right.
“You bastard,” he hisses in my ear. “I told you to call me when you needed something, and this qualifies as needing something, got it?”
I’m too busy trying not to hurl to reply. My lack of answer doesn’t seem to faze him. Maybe he takes my silence as agreement. Maybe it is.
I’m past thinking and past caring.
“You’re coming with me.” He slings my arm over his shoulders and leads me to his car. I let him buckle me in. I’m exhausted just from crossing the street.
Boy is Erin gonna be pissed to see me. The thought sends me chuckling again, and ow, my ribs smart.
Zane keeps sending me strange looks as he drives. “You okay?”
It strikes me as funny he should ask at this point and I want to laugh harder. But then I realize he must be thinking I’ve gone off the deep end. I probably sound like a lunatic, laughing without a reason, and force myself to stop.
“You should have called me,” Zane is muttering under his breath. “You should have.... Damn, f**ker, you could have died if you’d stayed out there tonight. What the hell were you thinking?”
I have no answer to that.
But Zane’s on a roll. “If you’d died, I wouldn’t have known. You should have called me. I’m taking you to the hospital.”
“No. I’m okay.”
“The hell you are. Let me get you checked out.”
“I said no.” We’ve had this discussion before and Zane knows my answer won’t change.
He tries a different tack. “Temperature’s going down to zero tonight. Don’t you know any better? Where’s your damn cell?”
My cell? “Must have left it at home.”
“We’ll drive by and get it.”
“No!” I make a grab for his arm. “I said I’m not going back there, Z-man.”
I can’t put Dad in jail. But I also can’t fight him anymore. God knows I’ve tried—hell, he goads me all the time, leaves me no choice—but he’s too strong, too unpredictable, friendly one day and in a murderous mood the next. Ever since Mom fell sick, and since her death, he’s been so angry.
Anger runs in the family.
Zane is giving me a wide-eyed look. “Okay, we’re not going to your dad’s. Dammit. Where will you go?” He winces as soon as the words leave his mouth. “For now you’re staying with me, that goes without saying, f**ker.”
But later... Yeah, I know. I let go of his arm and lean back in the seat, gritting my teeth. I have to find another solution, but I’m too damn tired and the heater blows warmth on my icy face, making me sleepy.
I’m dozing by the time he parks and comes around to pull me out of the car. Then I’m wide awake because the pain leaves me breathless. It’s as if blades are being shoved into my lower back and, I swear, my head’s about to split in half.
“Come on.” Zane frowns at me, then slings my arm over his shoulders once more, which is a good thing the way the street keeps tilting. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”
I follow him up the stairs, doing the best I can to keep up. Zane ushers me inside and drops me on his sofa. I groan and just sprawl there, wheezing. It’s so warm inside. I feel as if my skin is melting.
“Man, you’re f**ked up,” he says and shakes his head in wonder as he shrugs off his jacket.
Yeah, you can say that.
He leaves and comes back with clothes—underwear, drawstring pants, a T-shirt. “You stink. Go shower. Towel’s on the rack.”
He’s merciless. He leaves me no choice, pulling me to my feet and helping me to the bathroom. “Want me to undress you?” he asks.
I give him the finger, and that seems to please him. Bastard. He makes kissy lips at me and leaves before I try to punch him in the face.
‘Try’ being the operative word. My balance is still shot to hell, and my stomach has been empty for a while. It sure doesn’t help with the dizziness.
I take a hot shower, hissing when the water hits plenty of tender spots. My whole back is a mass of pain. I can’t remember Dad hitting me so much but my memory is hazy. Or did he do it after I blacked out?
Shuddering at the thought, I rush through my cleaning ritual, shampooing my hair. The water swirls dark down the drain. I stare at it for a moment before I mentally shake myself and grab the towel. Securing it around my hips, I reach for the clothes.
It’s then I notice the banging on the bathroom door.
“What?” I throw it open and Zane steps inside, a frown on his face. He folds his colorfully inked arms over his chest.
“I’ve been knocking for a while” he says. “Are you deaf?”
I lean on the sink, not sure of my balance. “I don’t know, man. What do you need?”
“I was just checking you didn’t fall on your face and—” His eyes widen. “Fuck, Ash. Your back.”
Um yeah. I haven’t taken a look in the mirror yet, but I turn now.
Shit.
The scars aren’t what shocks me, although I’m pretty sure they’re one of the things turning Zane’s face pale. He’s never seen them before. I still have some impressive purple welts striping my pale skin, a souvenir from Dad’s last violent fit.
No, what shocks me is the color of my lower back, a really deep black and blue. Jesus Christ.
“There’s an urgent care not far from here,” Zane is saying, his voice hushed. “In fact, I’m taking you there right now. What if you ruptured something? Let me get my things and—”
“No.”
“Dammit, f**ker, this is serious. I’ll just—”
I get in his face then. “If I go to the hospital and they see the damage, they’ll arrest my old man for parole violation. Leave it be, Z-man.”
“You’re eighteen now.” He sucks on the barbell studding his tongue, like he always does when he’s nervous. “You won’t be going into the foster system, so why do you care? Let him be locked up. Bastard deserves it.”
Foster care. That was my great fear after the accident, partly because of Zane. He told me some stuff from his own experience with the system that set my hair on end—and I have a feeling he hasn’t even told me everything that happened to him.
I’ve been lucky so far, in this at least. Dad received a suspended sentence and never went to jail. The fact he had no criminal record and Mom’s death had clearly affected him made the judge lenient.
But I can’t do it. I hate the bastard, but he’s the only family I have left. I guess I’m still hoping I’ll find a way to make him stop drinking one day. Help him find his old self.
“Ash.” Zane sounds exasperated. “Come on. Let me take you to the hospital.”
“Forget it, Z-man.” I swallow a sigh. “Look, if I ruptured something, I’d be dead by now. It’s been two days. I’ll be fine.”
Zane doesn’t seem impressed by my flawless logic. His eyes narrow. “Where did you go? You weren’t out on the street for two days, you’d be frozen solid by now.”
“Don’t know.” I’m not going to tell him about the fight club. Zane is a great friend, but I don’t think he’d appreciate my having friends in the underground.
“You don’t know? How can you not know?”
He sounds pissed again and my temper flares, too. “I just don’t, okay? I wasn’t at my best. Truth is, I can’t remember much.”
“Christ, Ash.” He shakes his head. He walks out of the bathroom, muttering to himself. “You look like roadkill,” he calls out. “Like you’re about to keel over. Sit down. I’m ordering pizza.”
“Now you’re talking.” Even if my stomach is roiling so badly right now I might throw up, I can’t let him notice.
Roadkill. Just how I feel, too. Awesome.
***
Zane tiptoes around me during the next few days. Normally I’d get into his face and tell him to knock it off, but I’m too out of it to care. I spend quite a lot of time lying on my side, drifting in and out of sleep.
He keeps forcing me to drink and eat, which is weird. I normally eat like a horse. My head is slowly clearing, though, and I now have enough energy to help out in the apartment—washing, cleaning, fixing the leaking faucets and the heater.
Erin isn’t around. A good thing. Zane says she left early to visit her family for Christmas and I can’t help thinking it’s because of my sudden arrival. Zane tells me I’m more than welcome to stay over the entire holidays.
That’s a weight off my shoulders—postponing the inevitable, the moment I have to leave and find a way to make ends meet somehow.
I still sleep a lot. Have loads of f**king nightmares - but also wet dreams, always involving Audrey, dammit. Can’t get her out of my head. I’m like a junky who’s laid off the stuff for a while and after a tiny taste I’m craving it more than ever.
In my dreams I kiss Audrey and she’s into it, like for real, and I can somehow see her black bra through her clothes and the outline of her br**sts. In others, I’m moving inside her even though we’re both fully dressed, and then I wake up, a hot, sticky mess on the sheets and my heart pounding.
God, I’m so hard for her.
How stupid. She despises me. Time to believe it, and forget her.
Yeah, right. I wish it were that easy.
The guys come over a couple of times—Rafe, Tessa, even Dylan.
I used to know Dylan. But I don’t know what earned him the badge of the Inked Brotherhood Zane has tattooed on his shoulder. Seeing him is awkward after the words we exchanged at Zane’s party. That was the last time we talked.
He seems uneasy, too, and I wonder what Zane told him. Not that I think Dylan knows about my dad. Only Zane knows, and Tessa has a vague idea. That’s the way I want it. I don’t want anyone’s pity.
I’ll make a plan. I’m not a pu**y. And yeah, I’m aware these are the words my dad always throws at me. But I’m not giving up, even though at times I think I might.
I can handle this.
Rafe I’m okay with. He’s easygoing and we talk about his interest in kickboxing. He also talks about his courses at college and the band he belongs to. A punk rock band, apparently, and he’s their drummer.
Sometimes it’s easy to forget his past is so dark. Everyone knows how he became a member of the brotherhood and got his badge of honor, inked by Zane. The loss of his entire family back when he was fifteen occupied the media for months. A gruesome murder that shook the community.
Who knows what it did to Rafe. The thought makes my troubles seem small by comparison. In his place I might have given up on life.
