It was constant, but it wasn’t pain.
He felt full.
Christ, the way it felt, he was full to bursting.
Chapter Fourteen
Vinnie’s Pizzeria
“Mom!” Keira yelled and I sighed.
“I’ll be out in a minute,” I yelled back and looked in the full-length mirror on the back of my bathroom door.
I was tired, so f**king tired, and I looked it. I hadn’t slept deeply since Cal disengaged himself from us so Doc could take a look at my foot, give me a couple of stitches and then proclaim in a heavy way that held more than one meaning, “You’ll be just fine.”
I’d looked into the old man’s eyes and I couldn’t help but believe him. I’d never met him but he seemed a man who knew what he was talking about.
This didn’t last very long, believing Doc that everything would be fine, but at least it helped for awhile.
By the time Doc left, Cal had disappeared. Colt had already called some guy who was fixing the door and Mike had come over and he’d stayed over. He spent the night sleeping on the couch in deference to the girls. He didn’t give me a choice about this, he just did it and I was glad he did, it was good knowing he was there.
He made us scrambled eggs, bacon and toast the next morning. While doing it, and while we were eating it, Mike was demonstrative to me, firmly demonstrative in a way the girls hadn’t seen him be before and in a way it felt like he was fed up with the waiting game and staking his claim.
I let him. I was too overwhelmed to fight it and his demonstrations of affection felt so good, I didn’t want to fight it. In fact, I needed it. The girls were in a fog of grief anyway. They barely noticed.
I slid through the day in a fog too, talking to Mel, who sounded like I felt; taking a few calls from friends from home; Feb, Cheryl and Dee, coming over, spending time. Myrtle popped by with a casserole. Pearl brought homemade brownies with walnuts.
I noticed Cal’s truck didn’t leave his drive and I noticed this when, surprisingly, a bigger truck backed into it and two men loaded it with Cal’s furniture, what appeared to be all of it.
This was a surprise but I didn’t care. It wasn’t my business. He’d been cool the day before and, as much as it hurt when it ended, he didn’t hurt me. I’d done it to myself. He’d been honest with me, he’d told me the way it was. It was me who had again taken it further than he ever intended to go. Why he was sitting on his couch the night it ended, drinking something I couldn’t see, just could see it wasn’t beer, I didn’t know but that made no never mind. He was, it ended, that was it.
I was grateful he’d been around for all of us when we got the news about Sam. I’d thank Cal one day, when I felt stronger and if he wasn’t currently moving house in order to get away from the crazy Winters women whose business kept butting into his lonely, f**ked up life.
“Mom!” Keira shouted again, this time with heavy impatience and unmistakable irritation.
“I’m coming!” I shouted back, giving one last look at my outfit in the mirror.
I’d never spent more money on an outfit in my life and didn’t suspect I’d ever be in a position to do it again. A dark gray, light wool dress and little matching jacket. The dress was tight everywhere, scooped neck, short sleeves, a thin, fabric-covered belt at the empire waist. The little jacket that went with it was tailored beautifully and fit like it was made for me with a double row of classy ruffles at the bottom back.
I’d bought it for Tim’s funeral knowing I’d never wear it again, not ever and still spending a fortune on it. I was on such a mission to find the perfect outfit; I went to so many stores all over Chicago that I’d lost count. I was obsessed with it, almost frantic. I wanted to give Tim that, to go to his service, his funeral and the gathering afterward being what I was to him, his pretty, sexy wife who made an effort. It was good I did. Someone got a photo of me in my outfit and it was in the paper. The public got off on grief like that, the fallen cop doing his job for the citizenry, losing his life protecting the people and the grieving wife he left behind.
Now, f**k me, I was wearing it again.
For Sam.
My beautiful Sam.
I closed my mind from that, limped from the bathroom into the bedroom and grabbed my purse from the bed, not looking forward to driving four hours there and four hours back. I was so damned tired, not sleeping, my mind filled with garbage. And my foot hurt, I couldn’t imagine it being pressed on the accelerator for eight hours. I’d have asked Kate to drive, at least part of it, but she looked more worn out than me.
So it was me who had to drive.
Mike asked if he could take us but I said no. He’d never met Sam and he’d have to take a day’s vacation from work. Those days should be for fun, not funerals.
He was not happy about this, not even a little bit, and he let me know that fact. This was not easygoing Mike behavior. He was definitely staking his claim and I wondered if he’d heard about Cal. If I had it in me, which I didn’t at the time, I would have told him he had nothing to worry about, not anymore, not ever again.
In the end, I’d gentled my refusal and told him to take a day off when he and I could have fun. He didn’t like this either but he didn’t fight me on it likely because he was a good guy and he didn’t want to have our first fight the day after I found out my only, and beloved, sibling had been murdered just like my husband, exactly like Tim (Colt had told Mike this, Dad having told Colt, and Mike told me).
I snatched up my pumps from the bed and headed to the door. I was wearing flip-flops until I had to force on the pumps. I was not looking forward to that but then again there was pretty much nothing I was looking forward to that day.
I walked out of my room and Keira was standing just outside my door.
“Mom!” she snapped even though I was standing right there.
“What, baby? I’m right here,” I replied.
Then I felt him, I looked to my right and my mouth dropped open.
Cal was standing there wearing a black suit and a dark gray shirt that matched my dress almost perfectly. A shiny tie the same color as his shirt was dangling loose around his neck, his shirt was open at the throat.
I’d never seen him in anything but t-shirts and jeans, except when he was naked, of course. He looked really good in a suit and his suit was amazing. He might not spend a lot of money on his usual wardrobe but even I could see that suit cost some cake.
“We have to get going,” his deep voice rumbled at me.
He felt full.
Christ, the way it felt, he was full to bursting.
Chapter Fourteen
Vinnie’s Pizzeria
“Mom!” Keira yelled and I sighed.
“I’ll be out in a minute,” I yelled back and looked in the full-length mirror on the back of my bathroom door.
I was tired, so f**king tired, and I looked it. I hadn’t slept deeply since Cal disengaged himself from us so Doc could take a look at my foot, give me a couple of stitches and then proclaim in a heavy way that held more than one meaning, “You’ll be just fine.”
I’d looked into the old man’s eyes and I couldn’t help but believe him. I’d never met him but he seemed a man who knew what he was talking about.
This didn’t last very long, believing Doc that everything would be fine, but at least it helped for awhile.
By the time Doc left, Cal had disappeared. Colt had already called some guy who was fixing the door and Mike had come over and he’d stayed over. He spent the night sleeping on the couch in deference to the girls. He didn’t give me a choice about this, he just did it and I was glad he did, it was good knowing he was there.
He made us scrambled eggs, bacon and toast the next morning. While doing it, and while we were eating it, Mike was demonstrative to me, firmly demonstrative in a way the girls hadn’t seen him be before and in a way it felt like he was fed up with the waiting game and staking his claim.
I let him. I was too overwhelmed to fight it and his demonstrations of affection felt so good, I didn’t want to fight it. In fact, I needed it. The girls were in a fog of grief anyway. They barely noticed.
I slid through the day in a fog too, talking to Mel, who sounded like I felt; taking a few calls from friends from home; Feb, Cheryl and Dee, coming over, spending time. Myrtle popped by with a casserole. Pearl brought homemade brownies with walnuts.
I noticed Cal’s truck didn’t leave his drive and I noticed this when, surprisingly, a bigger truck backed into it and two men loaded it with Cal’s furniture, what appeared to be all of it.
This was a surprise but I didn’t care. It wasn’t my business. He’d been cool the day before and, as much as it hurt when it ended, he didn’t hurt me. I’d done it to myself. He’d been honest with me, he’d told me the way it was. It was me who had again taken it further than he ever intended to go. Why he was sitting on his couch the night it ended, drinking something I couldn’t see, just could see it wasn’t beer, I didn’t know but that made no never mind. He was, it ended, that was it.
I was grateful he’d been around for all of us when we got the news about Sam. I’d thank Cal one day, when I felt stronger and if he wasn’t currently moving house in order to get away from the crazy Winters women whose business kept butting into his lonely, f**ked up life.
“Mom!” Keira shouted again, this time with heavy impatience and unmistakable irritation.
“I’m coming!” I shouted back, giving one last look at my outfit in the mirror.
I’d never spent more money on an outfit in my life and didn’t suspect I’d ever be in a position to do it again. A dark gray, light wool dress and little matching jacket. The dress was tight everywhere, scooped neck, short sleeves, a thin, fabric-covered belt at the empire waist. The little jacket that went with it was tailored beautifully and fit like it was made for me with a double row of classy ruffles at the bottom back.
I’d bought it for Tim’s funeral knowing I’d never wear it again, not ever and still spending a fortune on it. I was on such a mission to find the perfect outfit; I went to so many stores all over Chicago that I’d lost count. I was obsessed with it, almost frantic. I wanted to give Tim that, to go to his service, his funeral and the gathering afterward being what I was to him, his pretty, sexy wife who made an effort. It was good I did. Someone got a photo of me in my outfit and it was in the paper. The public got off on grief like that, the fallen cop doing his job for the citizenry, losing his life protecting the people and the grieving wife he left behind.
Now, f**k me, I was wearing it again.
For Sam.
My beautiful Sam.
I closed my mind from that, limped from the bathroom into the bedroom and grabbed my purse from the bed, not looking forward to driving four hours there and four hours back. I was so damned tired, not sleeping, my mind filled with garbage. And my foot hurt, I couldn’t imagine it being pressed on the accelerator for eight hours. I’d have asked Kate to drive, at least part of it, but she looked more worn out than me.
So it was me who had to drive.
Mike asked if he could take us but I said no. He’d never met Sam and he’d have to take a day’s vacation from work. Those days should be for fun, not funerals.
He was not happy about this, not even a little bit, and he let me know that fact. This was not easygoing Mike behavior. He was definitely staking his claim and I wondered if he’d heard about Cal. If I had it in me, which I didn’t at the time, I would have told him he had nothing to worry about, not anymore, not ever again.
In the end, I’d gentled my refusal and told him to take a day off when he and I could have fun. He didn’t like this either but he didn’t fight me on it likely because he was a good guy and he didn’t want to have our first fight the day after I found out my only, and beloved, sibling had been murdered just like my husband, exactly like Tim (Colt had told Mike this, Dad having told Colt, and Mike told me).
I snatched up my pumps from the bed and headed to the door. I was wearing flip-flops until I had to force on the pumps. I was not looking forward to that but then again there was pretty much nothing I was looking forward to that day.
I walked out of my room and Keira was standing just outside my door.
“Mom!” she snapped even though I was standing right there.
“What, baby? I’m right here,” I replied.
Then I felt him, I looked to my right and my mouth dropped open.
Cal was standing there wearing a black suit and a dark gray shirt that matched my dress almost perfectly. A shiny tie the same color as his shirt was dangling loose around his neck, his shirt was open at the throat.
I’d never seen him in anything but t-shirts and jeans, except when he was naked, of course. He looked really good in a suit and his suit was amazing. He might not spend a lot of money on his usual wardrobe but even I could see that suit cost some cake.
“We have to get going,” his deep voice rumbled at me.
