“I’m sorry.” She shook her head, catching herself before she continued to apologize for speaking truly and honestly. “No, no, I’m not sorry for saying it, or for thinking it. That’s the whole before-and-now distinction I was just making. Or trying.”
He sighed, moving back to his place across from her.
“You and I have always had this deep physical and chemical attraction and connection. But before, you wouldn’t have noticed I was upset earlier. You wouldn’t have asked why. I probably wouldn’t have contradicted you anyway. It’s a chicken-and-egg thing, but that’s an entirely different conversation.”
“But it’s not entirely different. It’s connected, don’t you think?”
“What I think is that when we were married this entire conversation never would have happened. Because while we have amazing sex, we haven’t been equals. I never insisted on it and you never made any real effort to pursue it.”
“I’ve always respected you.”
“If you could stop arguing with me for like five seconds I could pay you the fucking compliment I’ve been trying to pay you for the last ten minutes,” she said, not feeling very complimentary.
He shut up.
“You came into this house and you said you’d changed and wanted me and the girls back. Tonight you showed me how much you’ve changed. And how much I’ve changed, too. You asked how we were doing, and I think I can say pretty good. Though you’re very argumentative.”
He leaned over to steal a kiss and settled again. “I had a lot of growing up to do. I’m trying. Thanks for noticing. How does this before-and-now thing work exactly? Outweighing the bad with the good?”
“Sort of, maybe? Let me back up a bit. Okay, so when I went to Hood River last week to see Tuesday, she and I had this conversation. Sort of about you and Ezra, sort of general.” Kelly didn’t want to reveal anything overly personal that Tuesday had told her, but the general stuff was important anyway.
“I’m not so much bothered by forgiveness. I forgive you. We had something and it broke apart. You weren’t ready.” She shrugged.
“Neither were you! You’re the one who filed for divorce. I have my faults but you can’t pretend you had no fault in this at all,” Vaughan said quietly.
“Oh, eat a bag of dicks, Vaughan Hurley. If you think I’m pretending that I don’t have flaws, you don’t know me at all. Stop projecting your failures onto me.” Kelly took a deep breath. “The moment they put Maddie on my chest I was ready. Before that? Hell no. I had no idea. But having her changed something fundamental and important in me. I wanted that. I wanted babies and a family. I wanted to give my kids better than what I’d had. And I’ve made mistakes because of that. But I was absolutely ready to have a family with you. We weren’t enough for you.”
The pain of that was something she thought she’d put away.
“I don’t think our breakup was all you. Though fuck off if you think you don’t hold ninety percent. I won’t own your mistakes and if that’s what you think trying to make yourself a place in our family means, you need to move out once Maddie is completely recovered.”
He winced, but he didn’t argue.
“My biggest mistake—looking back now—was being willfully blind to the fact that you weren’t ready. We’d been all high on baby talk after you’d been away and I let myself believe you’d settle down after we had two kids and a home. I got pregnant with Kensey but I knew in my heart you didn’t want what I wanted.”
“I don’t regret our daughters.”
“I don’t think you do. How could you? They’re perfect and ours. But you weren’t ready to be a husband and a full-time father. And I was one of those women who had another baby to save the marriage that then broke up because nothing adds stress like a newborn and a toddler in a home.”
She laughed because it had been like a fever dream, those first years. “You know what, though? I did it. I had a crappy upbringing and I’m determined not to let any of that touch them. I finished my degree and started my boutiques and businesses and I can support myself and my kids into the future. I was spineless before. And you were selfish. Now neither of us are those things.”
Kelly paused, sucking in breath like she’d been under water and had surfaced. Her heart thundered in her chest as she realized the power of what she’d just set free.
She’d trusted him to say all that. To be angry at him and not have him walk away or deny what was real. She deserved him to own his mistakes so they could move forward. This was one of those make-or-break moments and no matter what happened, the knowing of it, the way she understood her culpability and more importantly, how far she’d come seemed to have lifted a huge weight off her as well as sent her reeling.
And then she burst into tears.
* * *
VAUGHAN, UTTERLY SHOCKED to see her crying, was struck still for long moments. He’d seen her cry, but never like this.
“I don’t know what to do,” he admitted, and her teary words quickly became unintelligible as she started to laugh at the same time.
She grabbed the hem of his shirt and blotted her face with it and before long he was laughing, too, pulling her into a hug.
“You snotted up my shirt!” He kissed her temple.
“I did not. But I will when I do get snotty for real. So there.”
“Are you mad at me? Or sad or...? This is one of those before-and-now moments. God, are we going to use that phrase a lot? Because it’s weird.”
He sighed, moving back to his place across from her.
“You and I have always had this deep physical and chemical attraction and connection. But before, you wouldn’t have noticed I was upset earlier. You wouldn’t have asked why. I probably wouldn’t have contradicted you anyway. It’s a chicken-and-egg thing, but that’s an entirely different conversation.”
“But it’s not entirely different. It’s connected, don’t you think?”
“What I think is that when we were married this entire conversation never would have happened. Because while we have amazing sex, we haven’t been equals. I never insisted on it and you never made any real effort to pursue it.”
“I’ve always respected you.”
“If you could stop arguing with me for like five seconds I could pay you the fucking compliment I’ve been trying to pay you for the last ten minutes,” she said, not feeling very complimentary.
He shut up.
“You came into this house and you said you’d changed and wanted me and the girls back. Tonight you showed me how much you’ve changed. And how much I’ve changed, too. You asked how we were doing, and I think I can say pretty good. Though you’re very argumentative.”
He leaned over to steal a kiss and settled again. “I had a lot of growing up to do. I’m trying. Thanks for noticing. How does this before-and-now thing work exactly? Outweighing the bad with the good?”
“Sort of, maybe? Let me back up a bit. Okay, so when I went to Hood River last week to see Tuesday, she and I had this conversation. Sort of about you and Ezra, sort of general.” Kelly didn’t want to reveal anything overly personal that Tuesday had told her, but the general stuff was important anyway.
“I’m not so much bothered by forgiveness. I forgive you. We had something and it broke apart. You weren’t ready.” She shrugged.
“Neither were you! You’re the one who filed for divorce. I have my faults but you can’t pretend you had no fault in this at all,” Vaughan said quietly.
“Oh, eat a bag of dicks, Vaughan Hurley. If you think I’m pretending that I don’t have flaws, you don’t know me at all. Stop projecting your failures onto me.” Kelly took a deep breath. “The moment they put Maddie on my chest I was ready. Before that? Hell no. I had no idea. But having her changed something fundamental and important in me. I wanted that. I wanted babies and a family. I wanted to give my kids better than what I’d had. And I’ve made mistakes because of that. But I was absolutely ready to have a family with you. We weren’t enough for you.”
The pain of that was something she thought she’d put away.
“I don’t think our breakup was all you. Though fuck off if you think you don’t hold ninety percent. I won’t own your mistakes and if that’s what you think trying to make yourself a place in our family means, you need to move out once Maddie is completely recovered.”
He winced, but he didn’t argue.
“My biggest mistake—looking back now—was being willfully blind to the fact that you weren’t ready. We’d been all high on baby talk after you’d been away and I let myself believe you’d settle down after we had two kids and a home. I got pregnant with Kensey but I knew in my heart you didn’t want what I wanted.”
“I don’t regret our daughters.”
“I don’t think you do. How could you? They’re perfect and ours. But you weren’t ready to be a husband and a full-time father. And I was one of those women who had another baby to save the marriage that then broke up because nothing adds stress like a newborn and a toddler in a home.”
She laughed because it had been like a fever dream, those first years. “You know what, though? I did it. I had a crappy upbringing and I’m determined not to let any of that touch them. I finished my degree and started my boutiques and businesses and I can support myself and my kids into the future. I was spineless before. And you were selfish. Now neither of us are those things.”
Kelly paused, sucking in breath like she’d been under water and had surfaced. Her heart thundered in her chest as she realized the power of what she’d just set free.
She’d trusted him to say all that. To be angry at him and not have him walk away or deny what was real. She deserved him to own his mistakes so they could move forward. This was one of those make-or-break moments and no matter what happened, the knowing of it, the way she understood her culpability and more importantly, how far she’d come seemed to have lifted a huge weight off her as well as sent her reeling.
And then she burst into tears.
* * *
VAUGHAN, UTTERLY SHOCKED to see her crying, was struck still for long moments. He’d seen her cry, but never like this.
“I don’t know what to do,” he admitted, and her teary words quickly became unintelligible as she started to laugh at the same time.
She grabbed the hem of his shirt and blotted her face with it and before long he was laughing, too, pulling her into a hug.
“You snotted up my shirt!” He kissed her temple.
“I did not. But I will when I do get snotty for real. So there.”
“Are you mad at me? Or sad or...? This is one of those before-and-now moments. God, are we going to use that phrase a lot? Because it’s weird.”
