Baking and Babies
Page 42

 
6. Watch what you say. If it’s something you don’t want repeated very loudly to everyone within shouting distance, don’t say it. Everything you say can and will be very hilarious to them and they take enjoyment in your misery.
 
7. Some of them like to be naked. They have no shame and don’t see the problem with taking their clothes off in public. Understand that clothes can sometimes annoy them. The clothes make them hot, make them itch, are too tight, too loose, or too ugly. Calmly tell them they have to put their clothes back on and offer assistance. If that doesn’t work, some may become argumentative and may even lash out by kicking, screaming, biting and or hitting. If that happens, throw your coat or the closest blanket around them and drag them away.
 
8. Always be firm and speak slowly, enunciating each word carefully. They don’t always understand the words coming out of your mouth so try not to lose your temper or get frustrated. Don’t be afraid to use a loud voice or threaten punishment, especially if their life could be at risk.
 
9. Never let them use your cell phone, iPad, iPod, laptop, or any other device that will connect them to your social media. They can and will post very bad things, but just know they aren’t doing it on purpose. It’s very easy to punch a few random buttons and the next thing you know, there’s a dick pick you sent to your girlfriend and forgot to erase on Facebook and your mother has been tagged.
 
10. Memorize the number for Poison Control.
 
I really should buy Valerie a pony or something. A few hours with her and this book practically wrote itself.
 
Valerie suddenly jumps down from the couch and runs out of the room.
 
“Hey! Where are you going?” I shout.
 
“I GOTTA PEE!” she replies.
 
Tessa really needs to get that shit checked. I haven’t even given her anything to drink since she’s been here just to try and prevent any accidents. While I listen to the sounds of the toilet flushing and the sink running and know Valerie didn’t somehow escape from a window, I quickly send a text to Tessa and tell her to call Valerie’s pediatrician.
 
Tessa immediately replies with a comment about how I just might make a good dad someday, and I pat myself on the back until she sends another text immediately after, telling me to just make sure I pick the right woman and not try to fertilize the entire state.
 
It’s annoying, but I deserve it. I’m going to prove to everyone with this cookbook that I’ve grown up and it’s all because of Molly.
 
Tossing my phone onto the coffee table, I watch Valerie come racing back into the room and hop back up on the couch next to me.
 
“Did you wash your hands?” I ask.
 
She reaches up and wipes her wet hands on my cheeks.
 
“That better be water and not pee,” I mutter, wiping the wetness off my face.
 
“Hump-hump-hump, I just peed on you!” she shouts, falling back into the couch in a fit of giggles.
 
Her laughter stops abruptly and she quickly sits back up, holding her hand out in front of me.
 
“I went poop. Gimme chocolate,” she states.
 
I reach for the bag of Hershey Kisses on the table next to the couch and try not to panic when I realize it’s empty. Valerie looks at the empty bag in clutched in my hand, her eyes filling with tears and her bottom lip starting to quiver.
 
“Hey, it’s okay! Don’t cry,” I beg. “How about a box of cereal? Or some grapes. Grapes are really yummy!”
 
Valerie isn’t buying it and she crosses her arms in front of her angrily.
 
“Chocolate! I poop and I get chocolate, mommy says so!” she yells.
 
Shit, rule number three, just remember rule number three.
 
I smile and nod, exaggerating my enthusiasm. “I know! You’re such a big girl for shitting all by yourself. I mean, dropped a deuce. No, that’s bad too. You pooped! Yaaaay you pooped on the potty!”
 
Valerie isn’t amused even when I wave my hands in the air above my head.
 
“How about I let you beat up some hookers, rob a bank, and shoot up a strip club?” I ask with a sigh, dropping my hands into my lap.
 
Her eyes light up and she starts bouncing up and down on the couch again.
 
“I wanna drive the black car and run people over, and can I stab someone wif a knife? I like it when the blood squirts all over and they fall down!”
 
Shaking my head, I hand over the controller and un-pause the game.
 
“Have at it, kid. Just remember—”
 
“Grand Feft Auto isn’t real life,” she cuts me off in a robotic voice, her eyes never leaving the TV.
 
Look how easy it was to teach a four-year-old something new? Maybe I will make a good father someday. Hopefully Molly will agree.
 
Chapter 22
 
– Pumpkin Roll Punany –
 
Molly
 
“See? That’s where you went wrong. You have to separate the eggs first and only use the egg whites. You’re such an amateur,” Uncle Drew complains, shaking his head at Tyler as I walk by them.
 
“Hey, Molly! You’re, like, a cook and shit, right? You can answer this question for us,” Tyler says, grabbing my arm to stop me from walking right on by them and pretending like I don’t know them.
 
“I’m actually a classically trained French Pastry Chef,” I remind him.
 
They both stare at me in confusion and I sigh.
 
“Yes, I cook and shit.”
 
Tyler smiles and Uncle Drew lifts his beer bottle and gives me a wink.
 
“Egg yolks or egg whites? Which is better?” Uncle Drew asks.
 
“Um, it depends what you’re making,” I reply, shocked and a bit happy that these guys recognize and understand my passion and career expertise. “If you’re talking about making whip cream, you never used the yolks, but if you’re making, say a nice béarnaise you would-”
 
Uncle Drew puts his hand on my arm and snorts. “Imma let you finish but…”
 
“But, we’re talking about which works better as a substitute for sex latex, obviously,” Tyler finishes for him with his own snort and eye roll.
 
“Please tell my idiot son that only egg whites harden when brushed on the nipples so you can gently peel it off,” Uncle Drew states, turning away from me to glare at Tyler. “I even dog-eared that chapter in the porn book for you AND highlighted it.”
 
Tyler throws his hands up in the air in annoyance. “Do you know how long I had to sleep on the couch after mixing up Pumpkin Roll Punany and Baking Bread and Butt Bumps? That book you gave me had half the pages stuck together and I fucked everything up. It turns out, spanking a woman with a pumpkin roll is very messy and mixing fresh bread ingredients in a vagina really DOES cause a yeast infection.”
 
I close my eyes and wonder why I ever thought our family could have a nice, dignified evening out in public for once as Uncle Drew and Tyler continue arguing back and forth. Not even the beautiful, fancy atmosphere of one of the nicest restaurants in town could make these people behave.
 
My eyes slowly open when I feel a pair of warm lips press to the side of my neck. I smile even though my uncle and Tyler are still arguing, but now it’s over who can successfully use the word nipples in every sentence in regards to dinner.
 
“My nipples get hard just thinking about the chicken parm they’re serving.”
 
“I can see cousin Rachel’s nipples through her white shirt.”
 
“OVERRULED!”
 
“On what grounds?!”
 
“Incest is only legal in porn and erotic fiction!”
 
“Fine. Sustained, but I’ll need to see you in my chambers.”
 
I turn away from the idiots in front of me and wrap my arms around the waist of the smart, beautiful man behind me.
 
“Do I even want to ask?” Marco laughs, running one of his hands up and down my arm.
 
“Not unless you want to lower your I.Q. by about a hundred points.”