Baking and Babies
Page 50

Everyone shrugs and mumbles in agreement.
 
“Don’t forget Billy and Veronica, our two precious spawns of Satan,” Uncle Drew adds. “I haven’t heard from them since they joined the circus. I’m sure they’re fine.”
 
We all share a moment of silence for the three people we’ve mentioned once or twice before but never heard from again. Mom finally raises her glass, waiting for everyone else to do the same.
 
“Here’s to you, here’s to me, fuck you, here’s to me,” she states.
 
We all toss back our shots and dad grabs the remote from the arm of the couch next to him and aims it at the flat screen TV above the fireplace.
 
“Alright, you dirty fuckers, let’s see what Dicky Daren was nice enough to put together for us,” he says, pressing play on the DVD player.
 
My parents received a package in the mail yesterday with an apology letter from the production company about our documentary not airing on TV and enclosed a DVD that Dicky Daren put together just for us. We all sit back and quiet down as the DVD starts to play, opening up on an interview with mom and Aunt Claire.
 
“So, yeah, I guess it all started when I got drunk at a frat party one night and gave my virginity to a random guy and then found out I was pregnant,” Aunt Claire says into the camera. “I became a single mom, found the guy four years later and then Liz and I opened the first Seduction and Snacks. It took off like crazy and here we are now with stores and bakeries all over the country. That’s about it.”
 
The camera pans to mom laughing, sitting next to Aunt Claire.
 
“Yeah, there’s a lot more to the story than that, slut bag. I think you left out a few things.”
 
Mom reaches down next to her chair and pulls five photo albums onto her lap, opening the cover of the first one and sliding a picture out of the page to hold up for the camera. It zooms in to a picture of Mom and Aunt Claire in college with their arms wrapped around each other, holding up red Solo cups. As the camera rolls, she begins going through all the pictures in the albums. There are photos for every event in our lives, quotes that go with every photo and the two of them share the stories for each one. They laugh on camera, they cry on camera, they punch each other several times on camera, and they curse so much it’s pretty obvious why no networks wanted to air this thing. Their bleep button would have broken in the first ten seconds.
 
“Your tits are like Bounty. The quicker dick picker upper.”
 
“Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw.”
 
“Aaarrrggg, ahoy me matey, thar’s a great grand vagina over yonder.” Penises talk like pirates when I’m drunk.
 
“Papa says your friends Johnny, Jack and Jose maded you sick. Friends shouldn’t do stuff like that, Mommy. If Luke maded me sick, I’d punch him in the nuts!”
 
“I wanna eat her Snickers finger but my arm teeth won’t feel.”
 
“There is no way you were even remotely as surprised as me. If I woke up tomorrow with my tits sewn to the curtains, I wouldn’t be this much in shock.”
 
“In the words of the great Maury Povich, ‘You ARE the father’.”
 
“Rule number one: P.O.R.N. is more fun with friends, invite them. Otherwise, you just look pitiful engaging in P.O.R.N. alone. Rule number two: Sharp objects should never be used in P.O.R.N. Poking someone’s eye out will ruin the moment. Rule number three: Sneak attacks or ‘back door action’ must come with advanced warnings or have prior approval. Rule number four: Only two balls allowed in play at all times to avoid ball-confusion, unless approved by the judges. Rule number five: P.O.R.N. is over when the other player(s) say it’s over. Otherwise, someone is left holding useless balls.”
 
“Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they cut your wiener.”
 
“Vajingo. As in ‘maybe the vajingo ate your penis’.”
 
“Stop by Seduction and Snacks for the grand opening tomorrow and try some of Claire’s boobs. They’re delicious!”
 
“You are a gigantic, stinkotic, vaginastic, clitoral, liptistic whore dizzle.”
 
“You’re a dick. Go fuck your face.”
 
“FUCK YOU, SAM I AM!”
 
“No nut shots before lunch.”
 
“These snozzberries taste like SNOZZBERRIES!”
 
“Wait, maybe it was the nuts. Is Claire allergic to nuts? She might be going into anal flaccid shock.”
 
“I want to teach inappropriate things to our children with you forever. Claire Donna Morgan, will you please, please marry me and love me for the rest of your life?”
 
“A. SEX. SWING. From the Latin words, ‘you are supposed to fuck in it, not rock your kid to sleep’.”
 
“My toilet is your toilet; your spoop is my spoop. I’m on this train, but just so you know, I don’t want to be the caboose.”
 
“It’s the fucking zombie virus! Son of a bitch, I told you this day was coming! No one believed me and you all laughed. Well, who the fuck is laughing now?! If I go first, you kill me before I eat ANYONE’S face off, do you hear me?”
 
“Vagina Skittles are delicious.”
 
“You spidermanned the one you love.”
 
“It’s fucking Meerkat Manor in my pants.”
 
“I roofied you because I wanted you naked …. and afraid.”
 
“RUN, VAGINAMAN, RUN!”
 
“Just say NO to weird sex, Gavin!”
 
“SON OF A BITCH, TAYLOR SWIFT! I TOLD YOU, NOT UNTIL THE CHORUS!”
 
“No, YOU shut your prancing face, Twilight Sparkle, before my parents hear you.”
 
“HONEST MISTAKE?! An honest mistake is speeding, spilling a glass of milk or calling someone by the wrong name. It is NOT sticking your dick in the wrong hole!”
 
“My tits may be small, but they’re deadly”
 
“Right at that moment, I knew that I would do anything for my best friend. I would hold her hand when she was in pain, scream at my catatonic fiancé when he saw her vagina and sit by her side when she became a mom. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for her and I knew that’s how it would always be.”
 
The video ends with a picture of my mom and Aunt Claire standing in front of Seduction and Snacks on the day it opened and fades to black with a picture of them standing in front of a map of the United States filled with red dots indicating every Seduction and Snacks store open today.
 
Dad stops the DVD and the room is silent aside from a few sniffles every couple of seconds.
 
“Are you assholes crying? There’s no crying in Vagina Skittles!” Uncle Drew shouts. “Dammit, Tom Brady! Get your hand off your dick!”
 
He quickly grabs the animal from the floor and continues scolding him softly.
 
“We’ve been through a lot, haven’t we, Slutbag McFuckstick?” Mom whispers to Aunt Claire as she rests her head on her shoulder.
 
“I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for you, ass face,” Aunt Claire whispers back, resting her cheek on Mom’s head. “You told me I had nothing to lose by taking a chance and you were right. Everything I have is because of you. Thank you for being my person.”
 
Mom wipes a tear from her cheek and the two best friends, who started us all on this crazy ride, wrap their arms around each other on the couch.
 
“How about one more toast?” Uncle Carter suggests, grabbing another bottle of cherry vodka from the coffee table and unscrewing the cap.
 
Everyone quickly passes it around and refills their shot glasses, raising them in the air when the last person’s glass is full.
 
“To Seduction and Snacks—where it all began,” Uncle Carter says.
 
“To Seduction and Snacks!” we cheer, toasting each other and tossing the shots back.
 
“Alright, enough of this sappy shit or I’m going to grow a vagina,” Uncle Drew complains, setting his empty shot glass on the coffee table and pushing himself up from the couch, promptly dumping Aunt Jenny onto the floor. “Who’s in the mood for a little Ceiling Fan Baseball?”