Beautiful Darkness
Page 60

She was fighting back tears.
That's not what I meant, and you know it.
Do I? All I know is that it shouldn't be so hard. Loving someone shouldn't be so hard.
I never cared about that.
I felt her fading away, pushing me out of her mind and out of her heart. "You belong with someone like you, and I belong with someone like me, someone who understands what I'm going through. I'm not the same person I was a few months ago, but I guess we both know that."
Why can't you stop punishing yourself, Lena? It wasn't your fault. You couldn't have saved him.
You don't know what you're talking about.
I know you think it's your fault your uncle's dead, and that torturing yourself is some kind of penance.
There's no penance for what I did.
She started to turn away.
Don't run away.
I'm not running. I'm already gone.
I could barely hear her voice in my head. I moved closer to her. It didn't matter what she'd done or if things between us were over. I couldn't watch her destroy herself.
I pul ed her to my chest and wrapped my arms around her, like she was drowning and I just wanted to get her out of the water. I could feel every inch of her burning cold against me. Her fingertips brushed mine. My chest was numb where her face pressed into it.
It doesn't matter if we're together or not. You're not one of them, L.
I'm not one of you either.
Her last words were a whisper. I tangled my hands into her hair. There was no part of me that could let go. I think she was crying, but I couldn't tel for sure. As I watched the ceiling, the last bits of plaster around the hole began to splinter into a thousand fissures, as if the rest of the roof might fal in on us any minute.
So this is it?
It was, but I didn't want her to answer. I wanted to stay in this moment for a little while longer. I wanted to hold on to her and pretend she was stil mine to hold.
"My family leaves in two days. By the time they wake up tomorrow, I'l be gone."
"L, you can't --"
She touched my mouth. "If you ever loved me, and I know you did, leave it alone. I'm not going to let any more people I care about die because of me."
"Lena."
"This is my curse. It's mine. Let me have it."
"What if I say no?"
She looked at me, her whole face darkening into a single shadow. "You don't have a choice. If you come by Ravenwood tomorrow, I can guarantee you won't feel like talking. And you won't be able to either."
"Are you saying you're going to put a Cast on me?" It was an unspoken line between us she had never crossed.
She smiled and put her finger over my lips. " Silentium. Latin for 'silence,' which is what you'l hear if you try to tel anyone I'm leaving before I go."
"You wouldn't."
"I just did."
Final y. Here we were. The only thing left between us was the unimaginable power she had never used against me. Her eyes flared gold and bright. There wasn't a trace of green. I knew she meant every word.
"Swear you won't come back here." Lena slipped out of my arms and turned away from me. She didn't want to show me her eyes anymore, and I couldn't stand to see them.
"I swear."
She didn't say a word. She nodded and wiped the tears running down her face. By the time I walked away, it was raining plaster.
I walked through the hal s of Ravenwood one last time. The house grew darker and darker the farther I went. Lena was going. Macon was gone. Everyone was leaving, and the house felt dead. I dragged my fingers along the polished mahogany banister. I wanted to remember the smel of the varnish, the smooth feel of the old wood, maybe the faintest smel of Macon's imported cigars, Confederate jasmine, blood oranges, and books.
I stopped in front of Macon's bedroom door. Painted a flat black, it could have been any door in the house. But it wasn't any door, and Boo was sleeping in front of it, waiting for a master who was never coming home. He didn't look like a wolf anymore, just a regular dog. Without Macon, he was as lost as Lena. Boo looked up at me, barely moving his head.
I put my hand on the doorknob and pushed the door open. Macon's room was exactly as I remembered. No one had dared to put a sheet over anything in here. The ebony four-poster bed in the center of the room shined, as if it had been lacquered a thousand times by House or Kitchen, Ravenwood's invisible staff. Black plantation shutters kept the room completely dark, so it was impossible to tel day from night. Tal candlesticks held black candles, and a black wrought iron chandelier hung from the ceiling. I recognized the Caster pattern burned into the iron. At first I couldn't place it, but then I remembered.
I had seen it on Ridley and John Breed, and at Exile. The mark of a Dark Caster. The tattoo they al shared. Each one looked different yet unmistakably similar. More like a brand than a tattoo, as if it had been burned into them rather than inked.
I shuddered and picked up a smal object from the top of a black dresser. It was a framed photograph of Macon and a woman. I could see Macon standing next to her, but it was dark and I could only make out the outline of her silhouette, a shadow caught on film. I wondered if it was Jane.
How many secrets had Macon carried to his grave? I tried to put the frame back, but it was so dark I misjudged the distance and the picture fel . When I bent to pick it up, I noticed the corner of the rug was flipped back. It looked exactly like the rug I had seen in Macon's room in the Tunnels.