Beautiful Secret
Page 56
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Laughing, she pretended to shove my chest. “That is such a stupid stereotype. One would think if the parents were both very good shrinks, their children would be better adjusted, not worse.”
“One would think.” I felt my lips press together in an amused smile. She . . . she was unbelievable. “So you grew up in Carlsbad before attending UCSD?”
“Mmmhmm,” she said, focusing on where she drew her finger back and forth across my collarbones. “Happy childhood. Cool parents. Twin brother who only occasionally dated my friends . . .” She seemed distracted, and confirmed it when she stretched up, kissing my throat. “I’m a lucky girl.”
“No demons, then?” I murmured.
Ruby pulled back slowly, her eyes clouding for a heartbeat. “No demons.”
I studied her face, sliding my hand up to her ribs before telling her very quietly, “That wasn’t very convincing.” I had no idea why I’d asked that, but now I needed to know. My chest grew tight with this feeling of diving deeper, of making this into more than flirtation, kissing, groping. This here was what I needed but was also most terrified to seek: intimacy in words before action.
“Fine,” she said, smiling a little. “But you first.”
I blinked, surprised. Despite having asked her this, I hadn’t really expected the question to be turned back on me. “Well, I suppose my childhood was fairly happy as well. Looking back I realize we were rather poor, but children don’t often notice things like money shortages when they have everything they need. My marriage, as I may have mentioned, was rather . . . quiet. Especially compared with a childhood filled with rowdy brothers and sisters. We didn’t argue much, we didn’t laugh much. There wasn’t much left holding us together at the end.”
She brought her hand to my jaw, following the shape of it with her fingertip as she listened.
“I suppose my demons are my reserve, and how I fear I spent the better part of my teens and all of my twenties with a woman I probably won’t know for the rest of my life. It feels like a bit of a waste.”
“Your reserve?” she repeated quietly.
Nodding, I murmured, “I always wonder if I come across the way I mean to with people.”
“How do you mean to come across?”
“Friendly. Interested,” I told her. “Responsible.”
“You come off as responsible.” Her lips tweaked into a smirk. “Maybe a little aloof.”
Laughing, I admitted, “That’s fair. I’ve always been the quiet one, a bit awkward. Max and Rebecca, who are closest to me in age, were the clowns. I’ve been the contained one, but it also meant I got away with things they didn’t.”
“This sounds like a story I need to hear . . .”
Shaking my head, I bent to kiss her jaw, speaking into her skin, “Your turn.”
When I pulled back, she looked at my chin, her finger drawing lazy circles at the hollow of my throat.
“Ruby?”
Blinking up to meet my eyes, I watched as she took a deep breath. “I had a bad boyfriend my freshman year,” she said, simply. The words were just vague enough that I wasn’t sure how she meant it. Was he violent? Fickle?
“What do you mean—”
“Maybe calling him a boyfriend isn’t exactly right,” she said, tilting her head on the pillow as she considered her words. “We went out a few times and he wanted sex before I did. He got his way.”
When I understood what she was telling me, my heart seemed to try to claw its way up my throat, so my words came out strangled. “He hurt you?” As I looked down at her thin frame, her delicate jaw, full lips, and wide, honest eyes, a fire-red tempo took over inside my chest; I was consumed by a rush of anger and vengeance I’d never experienced.
She shrugged. “A little. It wasn’t very dramatic or violent, just unpleasant. It wasn’t my first time, but . . .”
My brow lifted in understanding. “It hurt anyway.”
She nodded, focusing her attention on my chin again. “Yeah. So, you asked about demons. I guess that’s mine.”
I was at a loss. I felt my mouth open, and close again. I wanted to punch a wall, wrap her up in my arms, and cover her body with mine. And then I pulled my hand back from her ribs, instinctively worried.
“Stop,” she said through an uncomfortable laugh. “That’s why I don’t like talking about it. It was a bad night, but one of the many benefits of having good psychologists for parents is that you learn to talk about things, which helped me out with this.”
“One would think.” I felt my lips press together in an amused smile. She . . . she was unbelievable. “So you grew up in Carlsbad before attending UCSD?”
“Mmmhmm,” she said, focusing on where she drew her finger back and forth across my collarbones. “Happy childhood. Cool parents. Twin brother who only occasionally dated my friends . . .” She seemed distracted, and confirmed it when she stretched up, kissing my throat. “I’m a lucky girl.”
“No demons, then?” I murmured.
Ruby pulled back slowly, her eyes clouding for a heartbeat. “No demons.”
I studied her face, sliding my hand up to her ribs before telling her very quietly, “That wasn’t very convincing.” I had no idea why I’d asked that, but now I needed to know. My chest grew tight with this feeling of diving deeper, of making this into more than flirtation, kissing, groping. This here was what I needed but was also most terrified to seek: intimacy in words before action.
“Fine,” she said, smiling a little. “But you first.”
I blinked, surprised. Despite having asked her this, I hadn’t really expected the question to be turned back on me. “Well, I suppose my childhood was fairly happy as well. Looking back I realize we were rather poor, but children don’t often notice things like money shortages when they have everything they need. My marriage, as I may have mentioned, was rather . . . quiet. Especially compared with a childhood filled with rowdy brothers and sisters. We didn’t argue much, we didn’t laugh much. There wasn’t much left holding us together at the end.”
She brought her hand to my jaw, following the shape of it with her fingertip as she listened.
“I suppose my demons are my reserve, and how I fear I spent the better part of my teens and all of my twenties with a woman I probably won’t know for the rest of my life. It feels like a bit of a waste.”
“Your reserve?” she repeated quietly.
Nodding, I murmured, “I always wonder if I come across the way I mean to with people.”
“How do you mean to come across?”
“Friendly. Interested,” I told her. “Responsible.”
“You come off as responsible.” Her lips tweaked into a smirk. “Maybe a little aloof.”
Laughing, I admitted, “That’s fair. I’ve always been the quiet one, a bit awkward. Max and Rebecca, who are closest to me in age, were the clowns. I’ve been the contained one, but it also meant I got away with things they didn’t.”
“This sounds like a story I need to hear . . .”
Shaking my head, I bent to kiss her jaw, speaking into her skin, “Your turn.”
When I pulled back, she looked at my chin, her finger drawing lazy circles at the hollow of my throat.
“Ruby?”
Blinking up to meet my eyes, I watched as she took a deep breath. “I had a bad boyfriend my freshman year,” she said, simply. The words were just vague enough that I wasn’t sure how she meant it. Was he violent? Fickle?
“What do you mean—”
“Maybe calling him a boyfriend isn’t exactly right,” she said, tilting her head on the pillow as she considered her words. “We went out a few times and he wanted sex before I did. He got his way.”
When I understood what she was telling me, my heart seemed to try to claw its way up my throat, so my words came out strangled. “He hurt you?” As I looked down at her thin frame, her delicate jaw, full lips, and wide, honest eyes, a fire-red tempo took over inside my chest; I was consumed by a rush of anger and vengeance I’d never experienced.
She shrugged. “A little. It wasn’t very dramatic or violent, just unpleasant. It wasn’t my first time, but . . .”
My brow lifted in understanding. “It hurt anyway.”
She nodded, focusing her attention on my chin again. “Yeah. So, you asked about demons. I guess that’s mine.”
I was at a loss. I felt my mouth open, and close again. I wanted to punch a wall, wrap her up in my arms, and cover her body with mine. And then I pulled my hand back from her ribs, instinctively worried.
“Stop,” she said through an uncomfortable laugh. “That’s why I don’t like talking about it. It was a bad night, but one of the many benefits of having good psychologists for parents is that you learn to talk about things, which helped me out with this.”
