Beauty from Love
Page 42
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“I know and it’s one of the things I love about you. You’d never turn a child away like my father did.”
She’s going to think I’m talking nonsense but I have to tell her how I feel. “But he’s not mine. Don’t ask me to explain how I can be so certain without proof, but I’m not wrong about this, L.”
“You can’t possibly know that,” she argues.
“I don’t feel a connection to him at all.”
“You’ve never seen him. You wouldn’t feel something for a child you’ve never laid eyes on.”
I place one of my hands on her stomach. “I’ve never seen this one and I’m already connected to it. I love this baby with all my heart.”
“So I’m pregnant?” She sounds … I don’t know. Angry? Disappointed? Definitely not thrilled. She’s probably pissed off because I looked, but I don’t regret it. This baby is a goodness I need so badly in my life right now.
“Yes. The test was lying on the bathroom counter staring me in the face. I debated but couldn’t bring myself to trash it without checking the results first.” She looks at my hand on her stomach and a sob escapes, leaving me wondering if it’s one of joy or sadness. “Please don’t cry, L. It breaks my heart in two.”
“This isn’t the beautiful image I had in mind for us finding out we were having a baby. I imagined us having this really special moment filled with ecstatic joy and tears of happiness. I pictured us making love afterward, maybe you’d kiss my belly and tell me how much you were going to love seeing it grow with your baby.”
This isn’t what I wanted, either, but it is what it is. “Listen to me. There’s a part of me growing inside you and he or she isn’t any less special because of what may or may not have happened three years ago. No, this isn’t the way I envisioned it, but we’ve created life, L. We deserve our moment of happiness so please don’t lessen how special our child is because of what happened this morning.”
“Omigod. You’re right. That’s what I’m doing.” She looks at her stomach and puts both of her hands on top of mine. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what got into me.”
I do. Jenna Rosenthal. She’s done a hell of a doozy on us both.
I kneel on the floor at Laurelyn’s feet. I pull her bum to the edge of the couch and push her shirt up so I can kiss her stomach. It’s flat as a washboard but not for much longer. “I love you and this baby so much. I can’t wait to see him or her growing in your belly every day.”
She strokes her fingers through my hair. “I love you and this baby more than anything in this world.”
I feel like I can breathe again. “You don’t know how happy that makes me hearing you say that.”
“But at the same time, I don’t feel like I’m being honest if I don’t tell you how pissed off I am about your past reemerging to disrupt our lives again.”
I really wish I could snap my fingers and make it all go away. “I’d give anything if I could change it. You deserve so much more than the shit I put you through. This is what I was talking about when I said I was terrified you were going to wake up one day and see that I’m not worthy of your love.”
“I’ve told you before … I despise what you did. It’s a hard pill to swallow every time it’s shoved down my throat.”
“I know. I hate it as much as you—and it seems the ghosts of my past are going to keep showing up in our lives—so I need to know if you can handle it.” She said she couldn’t this morning, but she’d just found out about this possible son of mine and she didn’t know she was pregnant. I hope she’s changed her mind.
“I knew what I was getting myself into when I married you, and the decision to have a baby was half mine. I can’t back out now.”
That’s not the answer I was hoping for. “Would you back out on me if you weren’t pregnant?”
“I can’t say what I would or wouldn’t do if that were the case. It isn’t possible for me to know.”
She’s so hurt and angry. I’m inclined to believe she would leave me if it weren’t for the pregnancy so I have to wonder if she’s rethinking her decision. “Our baby is not a mistake.”
“In light of this morning’s events, the timing isn’t perfect, but I would never think of our child as a mistake.”
No child should be viewed that way but it’s all I can think when I consider Jenna’s son being mine. And I’m a son of a bitch for feeling that way. “Will you go with me for the paternity test?”
“Will we be called back with them into the same exam room?” she asks.
“No. I made our appointments an hour apart so I wouldn’t have to see them. There’s no point in having contact with the child if he isn’t mine.”
“Then I’ll go with you.”
“Thank you.” I place my head in her lap and stay that way for a while as I consider how things will go if Jenna’s son is mine. “I’m scared, L. I’m terrified nothing will be the same for us if this turns out badly.” She says she wants to hear my fears and know my demons, but I don’t think she would want to know how I really feel. It could bring up memories concerning the way her father felt about her so I keep it to myself.
19
Paternity test day is here. I told Jack Henry I would go with him but I want to back out. The whole thing scares the shit out of me. To top it off, I’m nauseated as hell. I lie motionless, waiting for the wave to pass but it lingers. I guess this is what I have to look forward to in the mornings—and it sucks.
We’ve been sleeping in the same bed all week, but we haven’t made love. He hasn’t even tried. I guess I should be glad since it would complicate this whole situation further, but I don’t like living as roommates. I desperately miss the intimacy I share with my husband and the more we grow apart, the more I see how unhappy I would be without him.
He comes into the room and sits on the bed next to me. He cups his hand around mine and produces a crooked smile, but there’s no joy in it or his eyes. “The appointment is in an hour and a half.”
“I know. I was just waiting for this nausea to pass so I could get up and get ready.”
He brings my hand to his mouth and kisses it. “I’m sorry you don’t feel well, but it’s a sign of a healthy pregnancy. It means your hormones are climbing.”
She’s going to think I’m talking nonsense but I have to tell her how I feel. “But he’s not mine. Don’t ask me to explain how I can be so certain without proof, but I’m not wrong about this, L.”
“You can’t possibly know that,” she argues.
“I don’t feel a connection to him at all.”
“You’ve never seen him. You wouldn’t feel something for a child you’ve never laid eyes on.”
I place one of my hands on her stomach. “I’ve never seen this one and I’m already connected to it. I love this baby with all my heart.”
“So I’m pregnant?” She sounds … I don’t know. Angry? Disappointed? Definitely not thrilled. She’s probably pissed off because I looked, but I don’t regret it. This baby is a goodness I need so badly in my life right now.
“Yes. The test was lying on the bathroom counter staring me in the face. I debated but couldn’t bring myself to trash it without checking the results first.” She looks at my hand on her stomach and a sob escapes, leaving me wondering if it’s one of joy or sadness. “Please don’t cry, L. It breaks my heart in two.”
“This isn’t the beautiful image I had in mind for us finding out we were having a baby. I imagined us having this really special moment filled with ecstatic joy and tears of happiness. I pictured us making love afterward, maybe you’d kiss my belly and tell me how much you were going to love seeing it grow with your baby.”
This isn’t what I wanted, either, but it is what it is. “Listen to me. There’s a part of me growing inside you and he or she isn’t any less special because of what may or may not have happened three years ago. No, this isn’t the way I envisioned it, but we’ve created life, L. We deserve our moment of happiness so please don’t lessen how special our child is because of what happened this morning.”
“Omigod. You’re right. That’s what I’m doing.” She looks at her stomach and puts both of her hands on top of mine. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what got into me.”
I do. Jenna Rosenthal. She’s done a hell of a doozy on us both.
I kneel on the floor at Laurelyn’s feet. I pull her bum to the edge of the couch and push her shirt up so I can kiss her stomach. It’s flat as a washboard but not for much longer. “I love you and this baby so much. I can’t wait to see him or her growing in your belly every day.”
She strokes her fingers through my hair. “I love you and this baby more than anything in this world.”
I feel like I can breathe again. “You don’t know how happy that makes me hearing you say that.”
“But at the same time, I don’t feel like I’m being honest if I don’t tell you how pissed off I am about your past reemerging to disrupt our lives again.”
I really wish I could snap my fingers and make it all go away. “I’d give anything if I could change it. You deserve so much more than the shit I put you through. This is what I was talking about when I said I was terrified you were going to wake up one day and see that I’m not worthy of your love.”
“I’ve told you before … I despise what you did. It’s a hard pill to swallow every time it’s shoved down my throat.”
“I know. I hate it as much as you—and it seems the ghosts of my past are going to keep showing up in our lives—so I need to know if you can handle it.” She said she couldn’t this morning, but she’d just found out about this possible son of mine and she didn’t know she was pregnant. I hope she’s changed her mind.
“I knew what I was getting myself into when I married you, and the decision to have a baby was half mine. I can’t back out now.”
That’s not the answer I was hoping for. “Would you back out on me if you weren’t pregnant?”
“I can’t say what I would or wouldn’t do if that were the case. It isn’t possible for me to know.”
She’s so hurt and angry. I’m inclined to believe she would leave me if it weren’t for the pregnancy so I have to wonder if she’s rethinking her decision. “Our baby is not a mistake.”
“In light of this morning’s events, the timing isn’t perfect, but I would never think of our child as a mistake.”
No child should be viewed that way but it’s all I can think when I consider Jenna’s son being mine. And I’m a son of a bitch for feeling that way. “Will you go with me for the paternity test?”
“Will we be called back with them into the same exam room?” she asks.
“No. I made our appointments an hour apart so I wouldn’t have to see them. There’s no point in having contact with the child if he isn’t mine.”
“Then I’ll go with you.”
“Thank you.” I place my head in her lap and stay that way for a while as I consider how things will go if Jenna’s son is mine. “I’m scared, L. I’m terrified nothing will be the same for us if this turns out badly.” She says she wants to hear my fears and know my demons, but I don’t think she would want to know how I really feel. It could bring up memories concerning the way her father felt about her so I keep it to myself.
19
Paternity test day is here. I told Jack Henry I would go with him but I want to back out. The whole thing scares the shit out of me. To top it off, I’m nauseated as hell. I lie motionless, waiting for the wave to pass but it lingers. I guess this is what I have to look forward to in the mornings—and it sucks.
We’ve been sleeping in the same bed all week, but we haven’t made love. He hasn’t even tried. I guess I should be glad since it would complicate this whole situation further, but I don’t like living as roommates. I desperately miss the intimacy I share with my husband and the more we grow apart, the more I see how unhappy I would be without him.
He comes into the room and sits on the bed next to me. He cups his hand around mine and produces a crooked smile, but there’s no joy in it or his eyes. “The appointment is in an hour and a half.”
“I know. I was just waiting for this nausea to pass so I could get up and get ready.”
He brings my hand to his mouth and kisses it. “I’m sorry you don’t feel well, but it’s a sign of a healthy pregnancy. It means your hormones are climbing.”
