Before I Wake
Page 11
- Background:
- Text Font:
- Text Size:
- Line Height:
- Line Break Height:
- Frame:
I think Sophies her cousin.
Whatever. She cheats on Nash with Scott, and he ends up in the psych ward. Then she kisses some guy in the middle of the school, and the next day they find Mr. Beck dead on her bed, and Nash gets arrested. Shes like King Midas, only everything she touches turns to shit instead of gold.
Anger flared inside me and I threw the stall door openthen realized thats as far as my plan went. You have no idea what youre talking about, I snapped, glaring at both of them in the mirror. Is there some broken filter or busted pressure gauge in there that lets every half-formed thought leak out of your mouths? I demanded, tossing a careless gesture at their heads. Because if these are the gems you actually intended to share with the world, you should know they dont paint a very flattering picture of your intellect.
I stomped out of the bathroom with them staring after me and ran smack into a tall, dark-haired guy Id never seen before.
Whoa, are you okay? he asked, one hand on my arm to steady me. I nodded, and he frowned down at me, like he suddenly recognized me. Hey, are you Kaylee Cavanaugh?
I exhaled, trying to purge my anger, but with it came words I hadnt intended to say. Yeah. I am. And, yes, Im glad to be alive. No, Im not a slut. And, no, you cant see my scar. Does that about cover it?
He stared at me in surprise and I took off down the hall at a run because I could feel myself fading from physical existence and I couldnt let himor anyone elsesee that happen. My footsteps faded as I rounded the corner, and a girl at the other end of the hall looked up like shed heard something, but her gaze floated over me like I wasnt even there. And from her perspective, I wasnt.
Dead people have to want to be seen in order to exist on the physical plane, and Id never wanted to exist less.
3
HEY, WHAT ARE you doing here? Tod said, taking my hand as I sank into the waiting-room chair next to him. Rough day at school?
Mandatory counseling. And I got mobbed in the hall between first and second period.
He rolled his eyes in mock exasperation. Youd think theyve never seen a murder victim returned from the dead to reclaim the souls of the fallen and grant them eternal rest.
Well, when you say it like that
Just give them some time, Kaylee. Eventually youll be old news again, and life will go back to normal. Tod shrugged. Except you wont actually be living it.
Not helping. There was a time when Id thought it would be nice to be noticed. To stand out, like Emma or Sophie. Now I stood out, but for all the wrong reasons. Anonymity was a luxury Id never expected to miss.
I ran my thumb over the back ofTods hand. Just touching him made me feel morereal. More there. More alive. I pulled him closer for a kiss and my heart beat faster when his lips touched mine. My pulse raced, and I suddenly remembered what it had felt like the first time wed kissed, not in my head, like a mere memory, but in my entire body. Like I was reliving it. Like I could go back to that moment, the most alive Id ever felt before or since, and live in it for eternity.
For a second, I almost forgot I was dead. And that he was dead. And that we were surrounded by sick people in the waiting room of the local hospital.
Then someone coughed and a baby started crying. Reality roared back into focus, and it was such a disappointment that my chest ached from the loss of something I hadnt really had in the first place.
Why did I feel so disconnected from everything around me? How could I look the same, but feel so different? Empty, like a shell. A Kaylee-shell, still me on the outside, but hollow on the inside. Id thought that going back to schoolseeing friends and classmates, and even teacherswould help me fill the void. Id thought that if I could stuff the shell of my former self with the pieces of my former life, everything could go back to the way it was.
Id thought my death could be just a blip on the radar of my life, over and done with in short order. I should have known better, just from being with Tod. His death wasnt a blip. It was the defining moment of his existence. His deathhow, why, and when hed diedhad shaped him. Defined him.
What did my death say about me? That I was a victim? That I wasnt strong enough to protect Nash like Id protected Emma and Sophie?
Hey. Tod squeezed my hand to draw me out of my thoughts. I think death looks good on you. He took my other hand and his fingers wound around mine, my arm stretched over the chair rail between us. I look forward to the day when I wont have to share you with roving bands of high-school gossip mobs.
That day could be today, I admitted. I dont want to go back. But I didnt have any choice. Id begged and bargained for the chance to pretend I was still alive, and now that Id gotten that chance, I had to uphold my end of the deal. I had to keep up with appearances.
Itll get better, Tod said, and his next blink was too long. So, did you see Nash?
Only in passing. I doubt hell be offering an olive branch anytime soon.
You could make the first move, Tod suggested, running his thumb over the back of mine.
Yeah, if I could get him to speak to me. How is he? During both rounds of recovery from addiction to frostDemons Breath, to those in the knowTod had checked in on his brother regularly, though Nash never saw him.
Whatever. She cheats on Nash with Scott, and he ends up in the psych ward. Then she kisses some guy in the middle of the school, and the next day they find Mr. Beck dead on her bed, and Nash gets arrested. Shes like King Midas, only everything she touches turns to shit instead of gold.
Anger flared inside me and I threw the stall door openthen realized thats as far as my plan went. You have no idea what youre talking about, I snapped, glaring at both of them in the mirror. Is there some broken filter or busted pressure gauge in there that lets every half-formed thought leak out of your mouths? I demanded, tossing a careless gesture at their heads. Because if these are the gems you actually intended to share with the world, you should know they dont paint a very flattering picture of your intellect.
I stomped out of the bathroom with them staring after me and ran smack into a tall, dark-haired guy Id never seen before.
Whoa, are you okay? he asked, one hand on my arm to steady me. I nodded, and he frowned down at me, like he suddenly recognized me. Hey, are you Kaylee Cavanaugh?
I exhaled, trying to purge my anger, but with it came words I hadnt intended to say. Yeah. I am. And, yes, Im glad to be alive. No, Im not a slut. And, no, you cant see my scar. Does that about cover it?
He stared at me in surprise and I took off down the hall at a run because I could feel myself fading from physical existence and I couldnt let himor anyone elsesee that happen. My footsteps faded as I rounded the corner, and a girl at the other end of the hall looked up like shed heard something, but her gaze floated over me like I wasnt even there. And from her perspective, I wasnt.
Dead people have to want to be seen in order to exist on the physical plane, and Id never wanted to exist less.
3
HEY, WHAT ARE you doing here? Tod said, taking my hand as I sank into the waiting-room chair next to him. Rough day at school?
Mandatory counseling. And I got mobbed in the hall between first and second period.
He rolled his eyes in mock exasperation. Youd think theyve never seen a murder victim returned from the dead to reclaim the souls of the fallen and grant them eternal rest.
Well, when you say it like that
Just give them some time, Kaylee. Eventually youll be old news again, and life will go back to normal. Tod shrugged. Except you wont actually be living it.
Not helping. There was a time when Id thought it would be nice to be noticed. To stand out, like Emma or Sophie. Now I stood out, but for all the wrong reasons. Anonymity was a luxury Id never expected to miss.
I ran my thumb over the back ofTods hand. Just touching him made me feel morereal. More there. More alive. I pulled him closer for a kiss and my heart beat faster when his lips touched mine. My pulse raced, and I suddenly remembered what it had felt like the first time wed kissed, not in my head, like a mere memory, but in my entire body. Like I was reliving it. Like I could go back to that moment, the most alive Id ever felt before or since, and live in it for eternity.
For a second, I almost forgot I was dead. And that he was dead. And that we were surrounded by sick people in the waiting room of the local hospital.
Then someone coughed and a baby started crying. Reality roared back into focus, and it was such a disappointment that my chest ached from the loss of something I hadnt really had in the first place.
Why did I feel so disconnected from everything around me? How could I look the same, but feel so different? Empty, like a shell. A Kaylee-shell, still me on the outside, but hollow on the inside. Id thought that going back to schoolseeing friends and classmates, and even teacherswould help me fill the void. Id thought that if I could stuff the shell of my former self with the pieces of my former life, everything could go back to the way it was.
Id thought my death could be just a blip on the radar of my life, over and done with in short order. I should have known better, just from being with Tod. His death wasnt a blip. It was the defining moment of his existence. His deathhow, why, and when hed diedhad shaped him. Defined him.
What did my death say about me? That I was a victim? That I wasnt strong enough to protect Nash like Id protected Emma and Sophie?
Hey. Tod squeezed my hand to draw me out of my thoughts. I think death looks good on you. He took my other hand and his fingers wound around mine, my arm stretched over the chair rail between us. I look forward to the day when I wont have to share you with roving bands of high-school gossip mobs.
That day could be today, I admitted. I dont want to go back. But I didnt have any choice. Id begged and bargained for the chance to pretend I was still alive, and now that Id gotten that chance, I had to uphold my end of the deal. I had to keep up with appearances.
Itll get better, Tod said, and his next blink was too long. So, did you see Nash?
Only in passing. I doubt hell be offering an olive branch anytime soon.
You could make the first move, Tod suggested, running his thumb over the back of mine.
Yeah, if I could get him to speak to me. How is he? During both rounds of recovery from addiction to frostDemons Breath, to those in the knowTod had checked in on his brother regularly, though Nash never saw him.
