Before I Wake
Page 20
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I cant get pregnant, and I cant catch anything. Not that Tod had anything for me to catch. And I love him. And he loves me. Shouldnt that be enough?
Yes. It should. And it will be. He closed his eyes and gripped the edge of the countertop, like it was the only thing holding him up. Then his eyes opened and his gaze met mine, his swirling with brown twists of regret and nostalgia. But youre still so young.
Im as grown up as Im going to get, Dad. And hell, I died a virgin. I died because I was a virgin. So I hope you can understand why I no longer see the point in preserving something that only served to get me killed.
Okay. My dad nodded slowly. Those are valid points. Just promise me youll think about this before you jump into anything. He flinched again, and met my gaze with what looked like great effort. You havent already jumpedright?
No. Theres been no jumping yet. And I promise that Im not done thinking. Hows that?
Is that as good as Im going to get?
Its as good as I have to offer.
Okay. He didnt look happy, but he didnt look exactly mad, either. He lookeddisappointed. And maybe a little scared. You do understand that if we were to add up all the time weve actually spent together, youd still only be around five years old to me, right?
I know, I said, and his sad smile made me ache. And you understand that I grew up during those years you missed, right? Thats not how I wanted it, but thats how it happened, and I cant go back and fix it. I cant go back and fix anything, Dad.
I know. And Im so sorry. So, how bout I start making it up to you with Chinese delivery? We got this coupon in the mail . He set his soda down and started digging through a pile of junk mail on the counter.
Thanks, but Im not really hungry, and Tod and I need to do something. Something work-related, I added when his brows arched in suspicion.
Oh. Okay.
But maybe we could watch a movie tonight? I said when his disappointment nearly broke my heart. Just the two of us?
He nodded and forced a smile. Ill be waiting.
Tod caught my gaze from the hallway, where hed waited, unseen by my father, and when he took my hand so we could blink out together, he leaned close to whisper in my ear. Id say he took that pretty well. You know your dads the coolest dad on the face of the planet, right?
I know. One of these days, I may just tell him.
* * *
Do you remember the last timewe were here? Tod asked as we stood on the sidewalk in front of Lakeside, the mental-health unit attached to the hospital where Tod reaped souls and his mother worked the second shift as an R.N.
How could I forget? I felt a little queasy just thinking about it. Feels different this time, though.
Because you can get in and out on your own?
Yeah. That eliminated my fear of being trapped. Caught. Locked up. Maybe Ill pretend I still have to hold your hand to be invisible.
Role-playing. I like it. His fingers curled around mine. Have you heard from Lydia since we broke her out?
Lydia was a psychic syphon and former psychiatric patient whod saved both my life and my sanity by taking some of my pain into herself when I was locked up in Lakeside. Tod and I had freed her less than a month ago.
No. Id tried two different womens shelterswhile I was incorporealbefore Id realized she might not be allowed to stay without risking being put into foster care. But Ill keep looking for her. Shed saved my life. I owed her nothing less.
You ready for this? Tod asked.
Lets go. I closed my eyes and concentrated on Scotts room, in the youth wing, on the third floor. Somewhere on the way, I lost Tods hand and started to panic, but he was there waiting for me when I opened my eyes in Scotts room. Guess I still need practice doing that in tandem, huh?
We have plenty of time to get it right. We have time to get everything right. He started to pull me close, but I froze with one glance over his shoulder. Scott lay on his back, on top of his made bed, fully dressed, including laceless sneakers. His hands were folded beneath his head and his eyes were closed. Watching him when he didnt know we were there was a little creepy. I still wasnt used to being incorporeal on purpose.
I glanced around the room and frowned. Scotts clothes were folded neatly on the open shelves bolted to the wall, but all of his other personal itemsmostly photos of him, Nash, and Doug, whod died of the frost addiction that drove Scott insanewere packed into an open box on the floor next to the desk bolted to the wall.
Maybe theyre getting ready to move him, Tod said, squatting to look into the box.
Why? And where? I didnt look at his stuff. I didnt want to see pieces of Scotts shattered life and know that they all fit in a single box on the floor. I didnt want to know how close Nash had come to sharing the same fate. I didnt want to remember how I hadnt been fast or perceptive enough to save either of them.
Yes. It should. And it will be. He closed his eyes and gripped the edge of the countertop, like it was the only thing holding him up. Then his eyes opened and his gaze met mine, his swirling with brown twists of regret and nostalgia. But youre still so young.
Im as grown up as Im going to get, Dad. And hell, I died a virgin. I died because I was a virgin. So I hope you can understand why I no longer see the point in preserving something that only served to get me killed.
Okay. My dad nodded slowly. Those are valid points. Just promise me youll think about this before you jump into anything. He flinched again, and met my gaze with what looked like great effort. You havent already jumpedright?
No. Theres been no jumping yet. And I promise that Im not done thinking. Hows that?
Is that as good as Im going to get?
Its as good as I have to offer.
Okay. He didnt look happy, but he didnt look exactly mad, either. He lookeddisappointed. And maybe a little scared. You do understand that if we were to add up all the time weve actually spent together, youd still only be around five years old to me, right?
I know, I said, and his sad smile made me ache. And you understand that I grew up during those years you missed, right? Thats not how I wanted it, but thats how it happened, and I cant go back and fix it. I cant go back and fix anything, Dad.
I know. And Im so sorry. So, how bout I start making it up to you with Chinese delivery? We got this coupon in the mail . He set his soda down and started digging through a pile of junk mail on the counter.
Thanks, but Im not really hungry, and Tod and I need to do something. Something work-related, I added when his brows arched in suspicion.
Oh. Okay.
But maybe we could watch a movie tonight? I said when his disappointment nearly broke my heart. Just the two of us?
He nodded and forced a smile. Ill be waiting.
Tod caught my gaze from the hallway, where hed waited, unseen by my father, and when he took my hand so we could blink out together, he leaned close to whisper in my ear. Id say he took that pretty well. You know your dads the coolest dad on the face of the planet, right?
I know. One of these days, I may just tell him.
* * *
Do you remember the last timewe were here? Tod asked as we stood on the sidewalk in front of Lakeside, the mental-health unit attached to the hospital where Tod reaped souls and his mother worked the second shift as an R.N.
How could I forget? I felt a little queasy just thinking about it. Feels different this time, though.
Because you can get in and out on your own?
Yeah. That eliminated my fear of being trapped. Caught. Locked up. Maybe Ill pretend I still have to hold your hand to be invisible.
Role-playing. I like it. His fingers curled around mine. Have you heard from Lydia since we broke her out?
Lydia was a psychic syphon and former psychiatric patient whod saved both my life and my sanity by taking some of my pain into herself when I was locked up in Lakeside. Tod and I had freed her less than a month ago.
No. Id tried two different womens shelterswhile I was incorporealbefore Id realized she might not be allowed to stay without risking being put into foster care. But Ill keep looking for her. Shed saved my life. I owed her nothing less.
You ready for this? Tod asked.
Lets go. I closed my eyes and concentrated on Scotts room, in the youth wing, on the third floor. Somewhere on the way, I lost Tods hand and started to panic, but he was there waiting for me when I opened my eyes in Scotts room. Guess I still need practice doing that in tandem, huh?
We have plenty of time to get it right. We have time to get everything right. He started to pull me close, but I froze with one glance over his shoulder. Scott lay on his back, on top of his made bed, fully dressed, including laceless sneakers. His hands were folded beneath his head and his eyes were closed. Watching him when he didnt know we were there was a little creepy. I still wasnt used to being incorporeal on purpose.
I glanced around the room and frowned. Scotts clothes were folded neatly on the open shelves bolted to the wall, but all of his other personal itemsmostly photos of him, Nash, and Doug, whod died of the frost addiction that drove Scott insanewere packed into an open box on the floor next to the desk bolted to the wall.
Maybe theyre getting ready to move him, Tod said, squatting to look into the box.
Why? And where? I didnt look at his stuff. I didnt want to see pieces of Scotts shattered life and know that they all fit in a single box on the floor. I didnt want to know how close Nash had come to sharing the same fate. I didnt want to remember how I hadnt been fast or perceptive enough to save either of them.
