Before I Wake
Page 25
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I stepped back and put my empty hand on his chest, my heart aching for him. For me. For all four of us, and the ties twisting us together. No. Dont do this, Nash, I said, and his next exhalation seemed to deflate him.
I stepped over the threshold and held the door open for him, and he trudged inside, dripping on the floor. Wheres your boyfriend?
Working. I pushed the door closed and set his whiskey on the half wall between the kitchen and living room, then dug a clean hand towel from a drawer in the kitchen. Wheres your girlfriend?
In bed.
Yours?
Yeah, he said, and I caught my breath, surprised by the hollow feeling in my chestan unexpected residual ache. Thats what you wanted, right? You want me with her, so I can forget about you?
I handed him the towel and he blotted his face with it, but his gaze never left mine. I just want you to be happy, Nash. And clean. And stable.
Yeah, well, that ships sailed. He stood dripping on the tiled entry, still watching me. Tell me it hurts, Kaylee. Tell me it hurts, just a little bit.
I exhaled slowly and took the towel when he handed it back. It hurts. More than a little. It hurt to see him, knowing that Id played no small part in making him into what hed become. It hurt a lot. Go dry off in the bathroom. Ill get you something to wear. My dads clothes would be big on him, but at least hed be dry and dressed.
I dont want to wear your dads clothes. He hates me.
Youd rather wear mine?
Nash scowled, but took off his shoes, stumbled over his own feet, and headed for the bathroom.
I pawed through the dryer for a pair of my dads drawstring jogging shorts and the smallest T-shirt I could find. When I knocked softly on the bathroom door, Nash opened it wearing only a towel wrapped around his waist.
Here. I handed him the clothes and he took them, then just stood there, watching me.
Why did you do it, Kaylee? he asked, and I put one finger over my lips, warning him to be quiet. I couldnt mute his voice like I could mute mine.
But I didnt know how to answer his question. I wasnt even sure what he was askingId done so many things I wasnt proud of, most of them to him. Get dressed, and well talk. But then you have to go home.
He closed the bathroom door, and I waited in my bedroom doorway, leaning against the frame. A minute later he emerged in my fathers shorts, the drawstring cinched around his narrow hips. The T-shirt lay on the closed toilet lid behind him. I stood, blocking the door to my room, and he stepped so close I could smell the rain on his skin. Arent you gonna let me in? he whispered, staring straight into myeyes.
I dont think thats a good idea. For many reasons. Two of which were Tod and Sabine.
I just want to understand, Kaylee. Dont you think you at least owe me an explanation, considering you framed me for your murder?
How the hell was I supposed to say no to that?
I stepped back and let him in, and Nash glanced around my room like he hadnt been there in years. And thats kind of what it felt like. The past month felt like an eternityso much had changed in such a short period of time that I couldnt even hold all the facts in my head without getting a little dizzy.
You moved everything, he said, making an obvious effort not to slur the words.
Yeah. I couldnt This is where I died. It was I swallowed thickly and glanced at the floor. I needed a change.
He sat on my bed and Styx glanced at him in disinterest, then went back to sleep. Nash stared at his hands while I hovered near the doorway, uncomfortable in my own room. Ive been thinking about everything, trying to make sense out of what happened, but I cant do it. Everything was fine, and then He looked up at me, frowning, like something horrible had just occurred to him. He gets to touch you now?
Everything wasnt fine, Nash.
He kept talking, like he hadnt even heard me. He gets to kiss you, but I dont? I dont understand how we got here, Kaylee.
Nash
I know the facts. I can sit here and list everything that happened, every mistake either of us made, but when I do the mathI add it all up over and overit never works out like this in my head.
I know. The longer I think about any of it, the less sense it makes, and Im sorry about that. Id lost count of how many times Id apologized. I dont like how we got here, but this is where were supposed to be. I sat in my desk chair and rolled it closer to the bed. Were supposed to be friends, Nash. Cant you feel that? We were too close for too long to be anything less, but we cant be anything more. Not anymore.
Because of Tod.
No. I shook my head, desperately hoping hed understand what I was trying to say. Because of me. Because of you. Because we tried to make it work, but we couldnt. We tried so hard we nearly destroyed each other, and thats not what love is supposed to do, Nash. Its supposed to lift you up and make you feel whole, even if it hurts sometimes.
Nash exhaled slowly, still staring at his hands, then he looked up and met my gaze, and the vulnerability swirling within his nearly killed me. Again. Tod makes you feel like that? Whole?
I stepped over the threshold and held the door open for him, and he trudged inside, dripping on the floor. Wheres your boyfriend?
Working. I pushed the door closed and set his whiskey on the half wall between the kitchen and living room, then dug a clean hand towel from a drawer in the kitchen. Wheres your girlfriend?
In bed.
Yours?
Yeah, he said, and I caught my breath, surprised by the hollow feeling in my chestan unexpected residual ache. Thats what you wanted, right? You want me with her, so I can forget about you?
I handed him the towel and he blotted his face with it, but his gaze never left mine. I just want you to be happy, Nash. And clean. And stable.
Yeah, well, that ships sailed. He stood dripping on the tiled entry, still watching me. Tell me it hurts, Kaylee. Tell me it hurts, just a little bit.
I exhaled slowly and took the towel when he handed it back. It hurts. More than a little. It hurt to see him, knowing that Id played no small part in making him into what hed become. It hurt a lot. Go dry off in the bathroom. Ill get you something to wear. My dads clothes would be big on him, but at least hed be dry and dressed.
I dont want to wear your dads clothes. He hates me.
Youd rather wear mine?
Nash scowled, but took off his shoes, stumbled over his own feet, and headed for the bathroom.
I pawed through the dryer for a pair of my dads drawstring jogging shorts and the smallest T-shirt I could find. When I knocked softly on the bathroom door, Nash opened it wearing only a towel wrapped around his waist.
Here. I handed him the clothes and he took them, then just stood there, watching me.
Why did you do it, Kaylee? he asked, and I put one finger over my lips, warning him to be quiet. I couldnt mute his voice like I could mute mine.
But I didnt know how to answer his question. I wasnt even sure what he was askingId done so many things I wasnt proud of, most of them to him. Get dressed, and well talk. But then you have to go home.
He closed the bathroom door, and I waited in my bedroom doorway, leaning against the frame. A minute later he emerged in my fathers shorts, the drawstring cinched around his narrow hips. The T-shirt lay on the closed toilet lid behind him. I stood, blocking the door to my room, and he stepped so close I could smell the rain on his skin. Arent you gonna let me in? he whispered, staring straight into myeyes.
I dont think thats a good idea. For many reasons. Two of which were Tod and Sabine.
I just want to understand, Kaylee. Dont you think you at least owe me an explanation, considering you framed me for your murder?
How the hell was I supposed to say no to that?
I stepped back and let him in, and Nash glanced around my room like he hadnt been there in years. And thats kind of what it felt like. The past month felt like an eternityso much had changed in such a short period of time that I couldnt even hold all the facts in my head without getting a little dizzy.
You moved everything, he said, making an obvious effort not to slur the words.
Yeah. I couldnt This is where I died. It was I swallowed thickly and glanced at the floor. I needed a change.
He sat on my bed and Styx glanced at him in disinterest, then went back to sleep. Nash stared at his hands while I hovered near the doorway, uncomfortable in my own room. Ive been thinking about everything, trying to make sense out of what happened, but I cant do it. Everything was fine, and then He looked up at me, frowning, like something horrible had just occurred to him. He gets to touch you now?
Everything wasnt fine, Nash.
He kept talking, like he hadnt even heard me. He gets to kiss you, but I dont? I dont understand how we got here, Kaylee.
Nash
I know the facts. I can sit here and list everything that happened, every mistake either of us made, but when I do the mathI add it all up over and overit never works out like this in my head.
I know. The longer I think about any of it, the less sense it makes, and Im sorry about that. Id lost count of how many times Id apologized. I dont like how we got here, but this is where were supposed to be. I sat in my desk chair and rolled it closer to the bed. Were supposed to be friends, Nash. Cant you feel that? We were too close for too long to be anything less, but we cant be anything more. Not anymore.
Because of Tod.
No. I shook my head, desperately hoping hed understand what I was trying to say. Because of me. Because of you. Because we tried to make it work, but we couldnt. We tried so hard we nearly destroyed each other, and thats not what love is supposed to do, Nash. Its supposed to lift you up and make you feel whole, even if it hurts sometimes.
Nash exhaled slowly, still staring at his hands, then he looked up and met my gaze, and the vulnerability swirling within his nearly killed me. Again. Tod makes you feel like that? Whole?
