“I’m just trying to figure out if I should go down there or not.”
Oh.
I thought he said he had decided he wasn’t going to.
My heart sinks.
Again.
“Oh. Is that what she wants?”
“Yeah,” he says.
“Why?”
“To see if there is anything there.”
Anything there? Anything there?
He has to be kidding me. There is nothing fucking there. The only thing there is something there for, is him. She doesn’t give a flying fuck about him, and will take a week of his attention before putting him back on a plane and sending him home. Why can’t he see that?
Anger bubbles in my chest, and I can’t stop it.
I just can’t anymore.
He must notice the change in my face, because he says, “You okay?”
“I just ...” I look up at him. “I’m going to lose you, aren’t I?”
His eyes soften.
But he says nothing.
Dammit. Fucking God dammit. I’m such an idiot.
I shake my head and stand.
“Molly, please ...”
“I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry. It’s just killing me. I’m going to say it, and I know you don’t want to hear it, but someone has to say it because God knows you’re not getting it on your own.”
I take a deep breath.
“She doesn’t love you, Roman. She is the most selfish, self-centred piece of shit I’ve ever encountered. You know, deep down in your heart, that she doesn’t want you back, that she doesn’t love you. I know you love her, I respect that, what I don’t understand is why? What is so fucking good about her, that you’d be willing to risk your happiness and another terrible heartbreak? What can she give you? Honestly? She’s a liar, she left you for another man, she’s done nothing but treat you like crap, so what exactly is it you think you’re going to get out of this?”
I take another shaky breath, and tears run down my cheeks. I’m so tired of trying to hold it all in. I’m so tired of trying to be the good guy. The strong one. I can’t take it anymore. I care about him. Way too much. I’m fooling myself into believing I can deal with this. I can’t.
“I have stood by you, I have watched this, I can see it so damned clearly but you can’t. I can’t stand by and watch you get broken once again. I’ve been so close, you know, to begging you not to go, but I realise this isn’t my battle to fight. It’s yours. My feelings for you are making this hurt for me, and I know that’s not your intention, but it’s the truth.”
“You said you didn’t have feelings for me anymore,” he says, his voice a little harder.
“I told you what you wanted to hear.”
He looks like I’ve slapped him.
“If you go back there, she becomes your person again, you don’t get me, too. You can’t have everything, Roman. You have to sort yourself out, because honestly, this is killing you again. It’s eating away at you, and it’s not fair. You deserve so much more than this, but I can’t make you see that anymore. I can’t make you see what’s right in front of you. She will break your heart, but if you have to go down there and let that happen, then I can’t stop you.”
I turn and walk towards the gate.
“Molly!”
I look back at him. “I’m sorry. I just can’t do this anymore. It’s hurting me so much. I want to be your friend. I want to support you. But our connection ... It’s too strong for us to ever just be able to be normal friends. We weren’t made for normal, Roman. You know it. I honestly hope it works out for the best, and I’ll be here if it doesn’t, but you can’t ask me to be your friend if you go back there. I will never like her. I will never respect her. I will never be okay with her. Because she means nothing to me. She’s not my person. You’re my person.”
My chest feels like someone is laying on it. It hurts so bad.
“Please, try, at the very least, to know your worth. You are worth so much more than her. Even, on some small, off chance she does take you back, how long do you honestly think that’ll last before you’re right back here, in this same situation? It won’t be long. You know that, you just don’t want to accept it.”
“I’m sorry,” he says, and that just rips my heart clean open.
It bleeds its pain in my next words and that pain finally slams out, pouring out of my mouth in angry, frustrated, broken words.
“Dammit, Roman! God damn you! We had something fucking special. This friendship, it was special. You’re going to throw everything away for a disgusting, selfish, pig of a person like her? I will never understand that. Never. Not for the life of me. Be careful that you don’t push away everyone who actually does fucking adore you, for a woman that doesn’t.”
I turn and rush out, tears flowing down my cheeks.
Idiot.
I’m such an idiot.
CHAPTER 21
“Come on, darlin’, nothing is ever as bad as it seems.” My dad strokes his big hand down my hair, as I curl up on the sofa in his office at the clubhouse. He’s sitting beside me, he has been for the last two hours, as I sob uncontrollably.
“It is, Daddy,” I croak. “It’s so bad.”
“You want to tell me what happened? Or do I have to guess?”
“I made friends with this guy ...”
“Yeah, I know,” he goes on, fingers drifting through my hair, soothing me.
“Well, we had both been through really bad break ups and became really good friends. It’s hard to explain, the friendship ... it’s genuine. It was never just a rebound. It was so much more than that. Outside of the slight romantic part, our connection was through laughing and talking, and all the other wonderful things people have when they meet.”
“So, what’s the problem? Did he only want sex?”
I look up at my dad and he shrugs. “I’m a man, darlin’. Gotta ask. Don’t be shy. Though, you should know, I will kill the fucker if he used you in any way ...”
I smile weakly. “No, he didn’t use me. If anything, he was always so honest. It’s my fault, I went into it knowing that he was still in love with another woman, and I just let my emotions get the better of me once again. As always, I thought with my heart and not my head, and it got me hurt.”
Oh.
I thought he said he had decided he wasn’t going to.
My heart sinks.
Again.
“Oh. Is that what she wants?”
“Yeah,” he says.
“Why?”
“To see if there is anything there.”
Anything there? Anything there?
He has to be kidding me. There is nothing fucking there. The only thing there is something there for, is him. She doesn’t give a flying fuck about him, and will take a week of his attention before putting him back on a plane and sending him home. Why can’t he see that?
Anger bubbles in my chest, and I can’t stop it.
I just can’t anymore.
He must notice the change in my face, because he says, “You okay?”
“I just ...” I look up at him. “I’m going to lose you, aren’t I?”
His eyes soften.
But he says nothing.
Dammit. Fucking God dammit. I’m such an idiot.
I shake my head and stand.
“Molly, please ...”
“I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry. It’s just killing me. I’m going to say it, and I know you don’t want to hear it, but someone has to say it because God knows you’re not getting it on your own.”
I take a deep breath.
“She doesn’t love you, Roman. She is the most selfish, self-centred piece of shit I’ve ever encountered. You know, deep down in your heart, that she doesn’t want you back, that she doesn’t love you. I know you love her, I respect that, what I don’t understand is why? What is so fucking good about her, that you’d be willing to risk your happiness and another terrible heartbreak? What can she give you? Honestly? She’s a liar, she left you for another man, she’s done nothing but treat you like crap, so what exactly is it you think you’re going to get out of this?”
I take another shaky breath, and tears run down my cheeks. I’m so tired of trying to hold it all in. I’m so tired of trying to be the good guy. The strong one. I can’t take it anymore. I care about him. Way too much. I’m fooling myself into believing I can deal with this. I can’t.
“I have stood by you, I have watched this, I can see it so damned clearly but you can’t. I can’t stand by and watch you get broken once again. I’ve been so close, you know, to begging you not to go, but I realise this isn’t my battle to fight. It’s yours. My feelings for you are making this hurt for me, and I know that’s not your intention, but it’s the truth.”
“You said you didn’t have feelings for me anymore,” he says, his voice a little harder.
“I told you what you wanted to hear.”
He looks like I’ve slapped him.
“If you go back there, she becomes your person again, you don’t get me, too. You can’t have everything, Roman. You have to sort yourself out, because honestly, this is killing you again. It’s eating away at you, and it’s not fair. You deserve so much more than this, but I can’t make you see that anymore. I can’t make you see what’s right in front of you. She will break your heart, but if you have to go down there and let that happen, then I can’t stop you.”
I turn and walk towards the gate.
“Molly!”
I look back at him. “I’m sorry. I just can’t do this anymore. It’s hurting me so much. I want to be your friend. I want to support you. But our connection ... It’s too strong for us to ever just be able to be normal friends. We weren’t made for normal, Roman. You know it. I honestly hope it works out for the best, and I’ll be here if it doesn’t, but you can’t ask me to be your friend if you go back there. I will never like her. I will never respect her. I will never be okay with her. Because she means nothing to me. She’s not my person. You’re my person.”
My chest feels like someone is laying on it. It hurts so bad.
“Please, try, at the very least, to know your worth. You are worth so much more than her. Even, on some small, off chance she does take you back, how long do you honestly think that’ll last before you’re right back here, in this same situation? It won’t be long. You know that, you just don’t want to accept it.”
“I’m sorry,” he says, and that just rips my heart clean open.
It bleeds its pain in my next words and that pain finally slams out, pouring out of my mouth in angry, frustrated, broken words.
“Dammit, Roman! God damn you! We had something fucking special. This friendship, it was special. You’re going to throw everything away for a disgusting, selfish, pig of a person like her? I will never understand that. Never. Not for the life of me. Be careful that you don’t push away everyone who actually does fucking adore you, for a woman that doesn’t.”
I turn and rush out, tears flowing down my cheeks.
Idiot.
I’m such an idiot.
CHAPTER 21
“Come on, darlin’, nothing is ever as bad as it seems.” My dad strokes his big hand down my hair, as I curl up on the sofa in his office at the clubhouse. He’s sitting beside me, he has been for the last two hours, as I sob uncontrollably.
“It is, Daddy,” I croak. “It’s so bad.”
“You want to tell me what happened? Or do I have to guess?”
“I made friends with this guy ...”
“Yeah, I know,” he goes on, fingers drifting through my hair, soothing me.
“Well, we had both been through really bad break ups and became really good friends. It’s hard to explain, the friendship ... it’s genuine. It was never just a rebound. It was so much more than that. Outside of the slight romantic part, our connection was through laughing and talking, and all the other wonderful things people have when they meet.”
“So, what’s the problem? Did he only want sex?”
I look up at my dad and he shrugs. “I’m a man, darlin’. Gotta ask. Don’t be shy. Though, you should know, I will kill the fucker if he used you in any way ...”
I smile weakly. “No, he didn’t use me. If anything, he was always so honest. It’s my fault, I went into it knowing that he was still in love with another woman, and I just let my emotions get the better of me once again. As always, I thought with my heart and not my head, and it got me hurt.”
