“You could’ve transferred to another place.”
“That’s what I did, in my own way. I needed to build something back, I guess. To make something out of the death and the grief. I don’t know, Lil. I did what came next. It worked for me.”
“You’d still be there if Sam hadn’t had the accident.”
“I don’t know. The city came back, and so did I. I was done there, and I’d already put plans in place to come back before the accident.”
“Before?”
“Yeah. I wanted the quiet.”
“Considering what’s happened, you haven’t gotten what you wanted.”
He looked over at her. “Not yet.”
It was nearing dark by the time he turned onto her road. Long shadows at the end of a long day.
“I’m going to help with the feeding,” she said. “Then I have some work to finish up.”
“I’ve got some of my own.” He reached over before she could open the door, and cupped the back of her neck in his hand. “I could say I’m sorry, but I’m not, because here you are. I could tell you I’ll never hurt you again, but I will. What I can tell you is I’m going to love you for the rest of my life. Maybe that’s not enough, but right now it’s what I’ve got.”
“And I’ll tell you I need time to think, time to settle, and time to figure out what it is I want this time.”
“I’ve got time. I have to run into town. Do you need any supplies?”
“No, we’re good.”
“I’ll be back in an hour.” He tugged her over, pressed his mouth to hers.
***
MAYBE WORK WAS a crutch, Lil admitted. Something to lean on, to help her limp along after a hard knock. It still had to be done. So she hauled food while the animals chorused. She watched Boris pounce on his dinner, rip at it. And thought, If things go well, he’ll have company within the week.
Another notch in the refuge’s belt, true enough, she mused. But more important, to her, another abused animal given sanctuary, freedom-as far as she could manage-and care.
“So how was your adventure?”
From the smile on Tansy’s face, Lil concluded her friend had wit nessed her humiliating exit earlier. And those who hadn’t actually seen it had certainly heard of it.
She owed Coop for that one.
“Men are idiots.”
“Often true, but we love them for it.”
“He decided to do the caveman routine so he could tell me why he stabbed me in the heart back in the day. Manly pride and for my own good, and other bullshit reasons, which-natch-I was too young and starry-eyed to consider or understand at the time. Better to rip me to bloody pieces than to actually talk to me, right? Stupid bastard man.”
“Wow.”
“Did he ever consider what it did to me? How much it hurt? That I thought I wasn’t enough for him, that he’d found someone else? That I’ve spent damn near half of my life trying to get the hell over him. And now he’s back and, gee, Lil, it was all for you. I’m supposed to just jump and cheer, and be what, grateful?”
“I couldn’t say. And probably shouldn’t if I could.”
“He’s always loved me. Always will love me, and tra-la-la. So he hauls me off like I’m some package he can drop off and pick up on his whim, again for my own good, and dumps all this in my lap. If I were less civilized, I’d kick his ass for it.”
“You don’t look very civilized right at the moment.”
She heaved out a breath. “Well, I am, so I can’t. Plus, it would be sinking to his Neanderthal level. I’m a scientist. I have a doctorate. And you know what?”
“What, Dr. Chance?”
“Shut up. I was dealing with all this, with him, with me, with it before this. Now I don’t know what the hell to think.”
“He told you he loves you.”
“That’s not the point.”
“Then what is? You love him. You told me when you and Jean-Paul called it a day it was because you were still in love with Coop.”
“He hurt me, Tansy. He ripped me to pieces, again, just by telling me why he did it in the first place. And he doesn’t see that. He doesn’t get that.”
Tansy put her arm around Lil, drew her against her side. “I do, honey. I really do.”
“I can even understand, intellectually. If I step back and look at everything he said, objectively, I can nod sagely. Yes, of course, that’s reasonable on this particular level. But I’m not objective. I can’t be. I don’t care about reasonable. I was so pitifully in love.”
“You don’t have to care about reasonable. You only have to care about how you feel. And if you love him, you’ll forgive him, after he suffers.”
“He should suffer,” Lil stated. “I don’t want to be fair and forgiving.”
“Hell no. Why don’t we go inside? I can make Men Suck margaritas. I can stay tonight, thereby avoiding my own idiot man. We’ll get drunk and plot female world domination.”
“That sounds so good. I could really use all of that. But he’s coming back. Until we’re secure here, that’s the way it’s going to be. I need to deal with it, somehow. Plus, I can’t get drunk on Men Suck margaritas-though you do make the champions-because I have to work. I have to work because some ass**le hauled me off for two hours.”
She turned, wrapped her arms around Tansy. “God, God, there’s a man dead, and his wife must be destroyed. And I’m standing here, feeling sorry for myself.”
“You can’t change what happened. None of it’s your fault.”
“I can think that, intellectually again. Not my fault, not my responsibility. But Tansy, my gut says differently. James Tyler was in the wrong place at the wrong time. And it was the wrong place and time because this maniac’s focused on me. Not my fault, no. But.”
“When you think like that, he scores points.” Firmly, Tansy drew her away so their eyes met. “It’s terrorism. It’s psychological warfare. He’s pushing at you. For him, Tyler wasn’t any different than that cougar or that wolf. Just another animal to be bagged and used to get to you. Don’t let him get to you.”
“I know you’re right.” She wanted to say “but” again. Instead, she gave Tansy another hug. “You’re awfully good for me. Even margarita-free.”
“That’s what I did, in my own way. I needed to build something back, I guess. To make something out of the death and the grief. I don’t know, Lil. I did what came next. It worked for me.”
“You’d still be there if Sam hadn’t had the accident.”
“I don’t know. The city came back, and so did I. I was done there, and I’d already put plans in place to come back before the accident.”
“Before?”
“Yeah. I wanted the quiet.”
“Considering what’s happened, you haven’t gotten what you wanted.”
He looked over at her. “Not yet.”
It was nearing dark by the time he turned onto her road. Long shadows at the end of a long day.
“I’m going to help with the feeding,” she said. “Then I have some work to finish up.”
“I’ve got some of my own.” He reached over before she could open the door, and cupped the back of her neck in his hand. “I could say I’m sorry, but I’m not, because here you are. I could tell you I’ll never hurt you again, but I will. What I can tell you is I’m going to love you for the rest of my life. Maybe that’s not enough, but right now it’s what I’ve got.”
“And I’ll tell you I need time to think, time to settle, and time to figure out what it is I want this time.”
“I’ve got time. I have to run into town. Do you need any supplies?”
“No, we’re good.”
“I’ll be back in an hour.” He tugged her over, pressed his mouth to hers.
***
MAYBE WORK WAS a crutch, Lil admitted. Something to lean on, to help her limp along after a hard knock. It still had to be done. So she hauled food while the animals chorused. She watched Boris pounce on his dinner, rip at it. And thought, If things go well, he’ll have company within the week.
Another notch in the refuge’s belt, true enough, she mused. But more important, to her, another abused animal given sanctuary, freedom-as far as she could manage-and care.
“So how was your adventure?”
From the smile on Tansy’s face, Lil concluded her friend had wit nessed her humiliating exit earlier. And those who hadn’t actually seen it had certainly heard of it.
She owed Coop for that one.
“Men are idiots.”
“Often true, but we love them for it.”
“He decided to do the caveman routine so he could tell me why he stabbed me in the heart back in the day. Manly pride and for my own good, and other bullshit reasons, which-natch-I was too young and starry-eyed to consider or understand at the time. Better to rip me to bloody pieces than to actually talk to me, right? Stupid bastard man.”
“Wow.”
“Did he ever consider what it did to me? How much it hurt? That I thought I wasn’t enough for him, that he’d found someone else? That I’ve spent damn near half of my life trying to get the hell over him. And now he’s back and, gee, Lil, it was all for you. I’m supposed to just jump and cheer, and be what, grateful?”
“I couldn’t say. And probably shouldn’t if I could.”
“He’s always loved me. Always will love me, and tra-la-la. So he hauls me off like I’m some package he can drop off and pick up on his whim, again for my own good, and dumps all this in my lap. If I were less civilized, I’d kick his ass for it.”
“You don’t look very civilized right at the moment.”
She heaved out a breath. “Well, I am, so I can’t. Plus, it would be sinking to his Neanderthal level. I’m a scientist. I have a doctorate. And you know what?”
“What, Dr. Chance?”
“Shut up. I was dealing with all this, with him, with me, with it before this. Now I don’t know what the hell to think.”
“He told you he loves you.”
“That’s not the point.”
“Then what is? You love him. You told me when you and Jean-Paul called it a day it was because you were still in love with Coop.”
“He hurt me, Tansy. He ripped me to pieces, again, just by telling me why he did it in the first place. And he doesn’t see that. He doesn’t get that.”
Tansy put her arm around Lil, drew her against her side. “I do, honey. I really do.”
“I can even understand, intellectually. If I step back and look at everything he said, objectively, I can nod sagely. Yes, of course, that’s reasonable on this particular level. But I’m not objective. I can’t be. I don’t care about reasonable. I was so pitifully in love.”
“You don’t have to care about reasonable. You only have to care about how you feel. And if you love him, you’ll forgive him, after he suffers.”
“He should suffer,” Lil stated. “I don’t want to be fair and forgiving.”
“Hell no. Why don’t we go inside? I can make Men Suck margaritas. I can stay tonight, thereby avoiding my own idiot man. We’ll get drunk and plot female world domination.”
“That sounds so good. I could really use all of that. But he’s coming back. Until we’re secure here, that’s the way it’s going to be. I need to deal with it, somehow. Plus, I can’t get drunk on Men Suck margaritas-though you do make the champions-because I have to work. I have to work because some ass**le hauled me off for two hours.”
She turned, wrapped her arms around Tansy. “God, God, there’s a man dead, and his wife must be destroyed. And I’m standing here, feeling sorry for myself.”
“You can’t change what happened. None of it’s your fault.”
“I can think that, intellectually again. Not my fault, not my responsibility. But Tansy, my gut says differently. James Tyler was in the wrong place at the wrong time. And it was the wrong place and time because this maniac’s focused on me. Not my fault, no. But.”
“When you think like that, he scores points.” Firmly, Tansy drew her away so their eyes met. “It’s terrorism. It’s psychological warfare. He’s pushing at you. For him, Tyler wasn’t any different than that cougar or that wolf. Just another animal to be bagged and used to get to you. Don’t let him get to you.”
“I know you’re right.” She wanted to say “but” again. Instead, she gave Tansy another hug. “You’re awfully good for me. Even margarita-free.”
