Black Lies
Page 74
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“I’m supposed to ignore you. Snub you. Make it clear how I feel.”
He laughs softly and sadly, a chuckle that runs fingers up my inner thigh and breaks my heart, all at the same time. “Your feelings for me show every time you look into my eyes. I used to think it was love for me. Now, I think it is your love for him.” He rubs a rough hand over the front of his pants. “I spoke to the doc, sometime after you and I f**ked in here.” I flinch at the words, spoken carelessly, as if the act had been nothing. As if it hadn’t ripped out my heart and left it on the carpet that now lay between us.
“You talked to Dr. Terra?” I frown, irritated by the fact that Brant and Dr. Terra have kept this from me.
“Yeah.” He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees and looks at me, the move closer making my heart beat a little faster. “He explained to me how you were dating me, f**king me, just to keep Brant closer.” He stands, holding my eyes, and walks closer. “How every time you kissed me. Spread your legs for me. Got on your knees and sucked my cock, it was for him. Do you understand how that makes me feel?” He leans forward, places a hand on each arm of my chair and bends over me, my back stiffening as he lowers his face to my neck and inhales my scent. Buries his face in my hair and whispers my name as he smells me. “God, I’m gonna miss your smell.”
The tears flow down my cheeks, my control breaking into a thousand pieces as I clench my eyes shut and stay still, my fingers digging into the leather of the seat so hard that my hands cramp. I take a shaky breath, the action a sob, his head pulling back enough to place a soft kiss on my cheek, gentle imprints of lips along my cheekbones and chin, taking my tears before he takes a brush over my mouth. I open my lips but he withdraws, pushing off the chair arms. I feel his absence before I open my eyes, my vision clearing to see him standing before me, his hands tucked in his pockets, his face tight in a mixture of anguish and anger.
Anger. I understand it but I hate it. Understand, looking into his eyes, that he thinks I used him. Hell, maybe I did. I didn’t love him fairly and completely. I loved Brant. I loved f**king Lee. I loved Lee’s imperfections when Brant was so complete, grounded, brilliant. I loved Lee’s wild side, my ability to justify that I was not my mother, that I had chosen life and a lower class life, even if it was just for long enough to eat wings and f**k a boy and ride in a vehicle that was made in America. Did I use Lee? I stare in his eyes and see hate and love and hurt. I struggle to speak, but can’t find anything worthy to say.
“I loved you. I still love you. Even when I hate you, I love you. I always will. I’m not a smart man, but I know that.” He bites his lip in a way that tells me he is close to breaking. To crying. That motion alone brings a new wave of tears, my vision blurring and I rub a hard hand over my eyes, wanting to cement every last view of this man before I lose him forever. He blinks and his face tightens. “Tell me what you want. If you want it, I’ll leave. Not for him. I’ll never do anything for him. But for you, I’ll do it. I’ll f**king kill myself inside of him.”
I want to tell him I love him. I want to tell him but am no longer sure that I mean it. No longer sure that I love him and not because he is a part of Brant. The guilt of what I have done is suddenly heavy, enormous. I want to tell him everything I know he wants to hear. I want to tell him the things I do love him for, but will only complicate this situation even more. So I say the right thing. The thing that will help Brant most. I say the words and wonder at the effects they will cause.
“I want you to leave, Lee. Brant and I… we want a family. A life. But I will never forget you. I will always miss you.”
He looks down, a hard swallow moving through his throat as I watch his hands clench, his mouth tightening into a hard line. He looks up, his eyes wet, his face red with emotion, and we stare at each other.
I do love him. I must. Otherwise I wouldn’t be breaking right now.
He closes his eyes, drops his head. Speaks without looking at me. “Call the doc back, Lucky. Let him take me out.”
I swallow. “You’re leaving?”
He shrugged his shoulders without looking up. “According to him, I can let go. Go wander in lala-land or disappear into Brant somewhere. Dissolve into f**king nothing. I’ll let him walk me through the process. I don’t want you here for it.”
I want to hug him. I want him to wrap his strong arms around me and kiss me and give me one last moment. I want him to dig his fingers into my skin and pull me into him like he can’t get enough. I am selfish. I want it even if it breaks him. Instead, I stand. “I’ll look for you in Brant. He could use a little more Lee.”
“Yeah. Whatever, Lucky.”
Then I stand and walk to the door. Stand there for a moment and wait to see if he’ll look up, give me one last contact, but he doesn’t. He stares at the floor and I never get a final look at his eyes.
I open the door and leave a part of my heart in the room.
Chapter 74
I wait in the lounge area of the doctor’s office for four hours. I pace. Watch TV. Inhale every mini-chocolate that is held in the receptionist’s glass dish. I have reached a new level of jittery. Feel like the time in high school, when Dianna Forge’s parents were out of town and four of us held an Uppers and Manicures party in their guesthouse. We rolled and giggled and rummaged through her parents’ bedroom until we found a dildo and their liquor cabinet. Shared sips of something bitter and expensive. It was all fun and games until everyone passed out and I was the only one awake and the uppers wore off and took me really, really low. I blinked and ground my teeth until 5AM, when the meds finally died down enough to let my body crash.
He laughs softly and sadly, a chuckle that runs fingers up my inner thigh and breaks my heart, all at the same time. “Your feelings for me show every time you look into my eyes. I used to think it was love for me. Now, I think it is your love for him.” He rubs a rough hand over the front of his pants. “I spoke to the doc, sometime after you and I f**ked in here.” I flinch at the words, spoken carelessly, as if the act had been nothing. As if it hadn’t ripped out my heart and left it on the carpet that now lay between us.
“You talked to Dr. Terra?” I frown, irritated by the fact that Brant and Dr. Terra have kept this from me.
“Yeah.” He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees and looks at me, the move closer making my heart beat a little faster. “He explained to me how you were dating me, f**king me, just to keep Brant closer.” He stands, holding my eyes, and walks closer. “How every time you kissed me. Spread your legs for me. Got on your knees and sucked my cock, it was for him. Do you understand how that makes me feel?” He leans forward, places a hand on each arm of my chair and bends over me, my back stiffening as he lowers his face to my neck and inhales my scent. Buries his face in my hair and whispers my name as he smells me. “God, I’m gonna miss your smell.”
The tears flow down my cheeks, my control breaking into a thousand pieces as I clench my eyes shut and stay still, my fingers digging into the leather of the seat so hard that my hands cramp. I take a shaky breath, the action a sob, his head pulling back enough to place a soft kiss on my cheek, gentle imprints of lips along my cheekbones and chin, taking my tears before he takes a brush over my mouth. I open my lips but he withdraws, pushing off the chair arms. I feel his absence before I open my eyes, my vision clearing to see him standing before me, his hands tucked in his pockets, his face tight in a mixture of anguish and anger.
Anger. I understand it but I hate it. Understand, looking into his eyes, that he thinks I used him. Hell, maybe I did. I didn’t love him fairly and completely. I loved Brant. I loved f**king Lee. I loved Lee’s imperfections when Brant was so complete, grounded, brilliant. I loved Lee’s wild side, my ability to justify that I was not my mother, that I had chosen life and a lower class life, even if it was just for long enough to eat wings and f**k a boy and ride in a vehicle that was made in America. Did I use Lee? I stare in his eyes and see hate and love and hurt. I struggle to speak, but can’t find anything worthy to say.
“I loved you. I still love you. Even when I hate you, I love you. I always will. I’m not a smart man, but I know that.” He bites his lip in a way that tells me he is close to breaking. To crying. That motion alone brings a new wave of tears, my vision blurring and I rub a hard hand over my eyes, wanting to cement every last view of this man before I lose him forever. He blinks and his face tightens. “Tell me what you want. If you want it, I’ll leave. Not for him. I’ll never do anything for him. But for you, I’ll do it. I’ll f**king kill myself inside of him.”
I want to tell him I love him. I want to tell him but am no longer sure that I mean it. No longer sure that I love him and not because he is a part of Brant. The guilt of what I have done is suddenly heavy, enormous. I want to tell him everything I know he wants to hear. I want to tell him the things I do love him for, but will only complicate this situation even more. So I say the right thing. The thing that will help Brant most. I say the words and wonder at the effects they will cause.
“I want you to leave, Lee. Brant and I… we want a family. A life. But I will never forget you. I will always miss you.”
He looks down, a hard swallow moving through his throat as I watch his hands clench, his mouth tightening into a hard line. He looks up, his eyes wet, his face red with emotion, and we stare at each other.
I do love him. I must. Otherwise I wouldn’t be breaking right now.
He closes his eyes, drops his head. Speaks without looking at me. “Call the doc back, Lucky. Let him take me out.”
I swallow. “You’re leaving?”
He shrugged his shoulders without looking up. “According to him, I can let go. Go wander in lala-land or disappear into Brant somewhere. Dissolve into f**king nothing. I’ll let him walk me through the process. I don’t want you here for it.”
I want to hug him. I want him to wrap his strong arms around me and kiss me and give me one last moment. I want him to dig his fingers into my skin and pull me into him like he can’t get enough. I am selfish. I want it even if it breaks him. Instead, I stand. “I’ll look for you in Brant. He could use a little more Lee.”
“Yeah. Whatever, Lucky.”
Then I stand and walk to the door. Stand there for a moment and wait to see if he’ll look up, give me one last contact, but he doesn’t. He stares at the floor and I never get a final look at his eyes.
I open the door and leave a part of my heart in the room.
Chapter 74
I wait in the lounge area of the doctor’s office for four hours. I pace. Watch TV. Inhale every mini-chocolate that is held in the receptionist’s glass dish. I have reached a new level of jittery. Feel like the time in high school, when Dianna Forge’s parents were out of town and four of us held an Uppers and Manicures party in their guesthouse. We rolled and giggled and rummaged through her parents’ bedroom until we found a dildo and their liquor cabinet. Shared sips of something bitter and expensive. It was all fun and games until everyone passed out and I was the only one awake and the uppers wore off and took me really, really low. I blinked and ground my teeth until 5AM, when the meds finally died down enough to let my body crash.
