“I don’t blame you for doing it,” he said, though he dropped his head back to lean against the wall, staring at the ceiling instead of looking at me. “I deserve it. After what I did to you.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
“For choosing him . . . I don’t blame you.”
“I didn’t choose him,” I said, backing toward the dressing room door. “I told you both, I’m not making a choice while we’re at war.”
He looked straight at me, and it was like an arrow in my chest. “That’s not what I meant.”
Despite the heat of the room, my skin prickled with goose bumps. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t blame you for choosing him to be your first.” He sounded more sad than angry.
My limbs were trembling. I didn’t speak, but he pulled a question out of my gaze.
“Sabine told me.”
“She didn’t have the right—”
“You shouldn’t be mad at her,” he said, laughing darkly. “She chewed me out. Told me I’d lost you. That I was basically an arrogant moron and I deserved whatever I got. And that didn’t include you.”
I tore my gaze from him. “That’s not really about you. She’s been upset ever since—”
“Cosette,” he said. “I know. After she was done yelling at me, we ended up talking. She’s broken up about it. I can’t blame her. I wish Dax and Fey were here.”
“If it weren’t sad, it would be funny,” I said, leaning on the wall next to him.
“How’s that?”
“Fey and Dax were our strongest warriors,” I said. “But in the end they were too afraid to fight for themselves.”
Ren nodded.
“I didn’t sleep with Shay to get back at you.” I spoke so quietly I didn’t know if Ren had heard me. “I . . . he . . .”
When he didn’t answer for another minute, I was sure he hadn’t. But then he cleared his throat.
“I know you have feelings for him. That’s obvious,” he said. “But are you serious about not making a choice until the war ends?”
“I . . . yes.” I had to be. If I chose either Ren or Shay to be the alpha at my side, the other wolf would leave. It was the way of alphas. Once one of them won their place, the other would be exiled, unable to tolerate a subordinate position within the pack. I couldn’t afford for that to happen. It also chilled my blood to even think about either of them leaving.
“Then I need you to know something.” He suddenly turned to face me. His forearms rested against the wall on either side of my shoulders, boxing me in.
“Don’t.” I didn’t trust myself to be this close to him. I’d already slipped up with Shay, letting myself give in when I’d promised that I’d keep my distance. If I did the same with Ren, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. And part of me knew I wanted Ren to touch me now because I’d spent last night alone in a fitful half slumber, hoping Shay would knock softly at my door. But he never had. The further Shay was drawn into the Searchers’ world, the more he slipped away from me.
“Just listen, Calla.” His eyes wouldn’t let me go. “Do you remember when we were at Eden?”
I nodded, too uneasy to speak. I didn’t know if I’d even be able to hear my own words over the pounding of my heart. That night at Eden felt like a lifetime ago; I couldn’t imagine why Ren would bring it up now.
“You asked if I was afraid of anything,” he said.
“I remember.” I pulled my lower lip between my teeth as the memory caught in my mind. “You said one thing.”
“One thing.” He leaned down to whisper in my ear. “Only one thing that I’d always been afraid of. I still am.”
My body was frozen against the wall, locked in place by his words. “What?”
His voice quaked. “That you could never love me. Not really.”
“Ren—” My hands were shaking.
“I couldn’t miss the whispers,” he said. “The way some of the Banes looked at me. The way my father . . . I mean, Emile . . . talked about my mother. She was dead, but it was like he still hated her. It was obvious, even to me, that when they were together he ruled her, but there wasn’t any love.”
My breath became shallow. I didn’t know if I could bear to hear this, but I couldn’t bring myself to stop him.
His lips were brushing my ear. “The first time I saw you, when we were promised to each other, I swore I wouldn’t force you to love me, but I would find a way to win you.”
Something inside me snapped. “If you wanted to win me, why did you spend all of high school dating other girls?”
There was more spite in my question than I’d anticipated. All that waiting, not being able to follow my own passions while I watched Ren chasing his. I resented it. It made his confession seem unfair and maybe even untrue.
He leaned his forehead against my temple. “I thought if you saw other girls wanting me, but knew that I only really wanted you, it would make a difference.”
A soft growl rose in my throat. “Sabine’s right. You are a moron.”
“Would it help if I agreed with you?” He smiled, but his eyes were hard.
I turned my face away from him, anger, hope, desire all battling within me. “You could have told me how you felt.”
“I was going to,” he said. “I wanted to tell you when I gave you the ring . . . but I choked.”
I looked at him, saw he was blushing, and knew everything he’d said was true.
“I . . .” Words wouldn’t come. What could I even say?
“All I’m asking for is a fair shot. Or maybe a fresh start, but I needed you to know where I’m coming from,” he said. “I know the odds are against me. Shay swooped in and changed your life. He saved you.”
“I saved him. And myself.”
“I just meant that he’s been the hero all along. Of course you’d want him. But the history we have, our past. Not all of it was bad.”
“I know that.”
“You can’t tell me that when we were at the house, alone, a part of you didn’t want to stay.”
I gripped the towel tighter so I wouldn’t drop it. He was right. At least partly. I was still drawn to him—the one who was so obviously my counterpart. The mate I’d thought I would spend my life with. I was afraid to let go of the past that kept us bound together. That road was familiar. I knew what life with Ren would be, where I fit into that picture, and that I cared deeply for him. The temptation to keep him close nipped at me relentlessly.
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
“For choosing him . . . I don’t blame you.”
“I didn’t choose him,” I said, backing toward the dressing room door. “I told you both, I’m not making a choice while we’re at war.”
He looked straight at me, and it was like an arrow in my chest. “That’s not what I meant.”
Despite the heat of the room, my skin prickled with goose bumps. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t blame you for choosing him to be your first.” He sounded more sad than angry.
My limbs were trembling. I didn’t speak, but he pulled a question out of my gaze.
“Sabine told me.”
“She didn’t have the right—”
“You shouldn’t be mad at her,” he said, laughing darkly. “She chewed me out. Told me I’d lost you. That I was basically an arrogant moron and I deserved whatever I got. And that didn’t include you.”
I tore my gaze from him. “That’s not really about you. She’s been upset ever since—”
“Cosette,” he said. “I know. After she was done yelling at me, we ended up talking. She’s broken up about it. I can’t blame her. I wish Dax and Fey were here.”
“If it weren’t sad, it would be funny,” I said, leaning on the wall next to him.
“How’s that?”
“Fey and Dax were our strongest warriors,” I said. “But in the end they were too afraid to fight for themselves.”
Ren nodded.
“I didn’t sleep with Shay to get back at you.” I spoke so quietly I didn’t know if Ren had heard me. “I . . . he . . .”
When he didn’t answer for another minute, I was sure he hadn’t. But then he cleared his throat.
“I know you have feelings for him. That’s obvious,” he said. “But are you serious about not making a choice until the war ends?”
“I . . . yes.” I had to be. If I chose either Ren or Shay to be the alpha at my side, the other wolf would leave. It was the way of alphas. Once one of them won their place, the other would be exiled, unable to tolerate a subordinate position within the pack. I couldn’t afford for that to happen. It also chilled my blood to even think about either of them leaving.
“Then I need you to know something.” He suddenly turned to face me. His forearms rested against the wall on either side of my shoulders, boxing me in.
“Don’t.” I didn’t trust myself to be this close to him. I’d already slipped up with Shay, letting myself give in when I’d promised that I’d keep my distance. If I did the same with Ren, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. And part of me knew I wanted Ren to touch me now because I’d spent last night alone in a fitful half slumber, hoping Shay would knock softly at my door. But he never had. The further Shay was drawn into the Searchers’ world, the more he slipped away from me.
“Just listen, Calla.” His eyes wouldn’t let me go. “Do you remember when we were at Eden?”
I nodded, too uneasy to speak. I didn’t know if I’d even be able to hear my own words over the pounding of my heart. That night at Eden felt like a lifetime ago; I couldn’t imagine why Ren would bring it up now.
“You asked if I was afraid of anything,” he said.
“I remember.” I pulled my lower lip between my teeth as the memory caught in my mind. “You said one thing.”
“One thing.” He leaned down to whisper in my ear. “Only one thing that I’d always been afraid of. I still am.”
My body was frozen against the wall, locked in place by his words. “What?”
His voice quaked. “That you could never love me. Not really.”
“Ren—” My hands were shaking.
“I couldn’t miss the whispers,” he said. “The way some of the Banes looked at me. The way my father . . . I mean, Emile . . . talked about my mother. She was dead, but it was like he still hated her. It was obvious, even to me, that when they were together he ruled her, but there wasn’t any love.”
My breath became shallow. I didn’t know if I could bear to hear this, but I couldn’t bring myself to stop him.
His lips were brushing my ear. “The first time I saw you, when we were promised to each other, I swore I wouldn’t force you to love me, but I would find a way to win you.”
Something inside me snapped. “If you wanted to win me, why did you spend all of high school dating other girls?”
There was more spite in my question than I’d anticipated. All that waiting, not being able to follow my own passions while I watched Ren chasing his. I resented it. It made his confession seem unfair and maybe even untrue.
He leaned his forehead against my temple. “I thought if you saw other girls wanting me, but knew that I only really wanted you, it would make a difference.”
A soft growl rose in my throat. “Sabine’s right. You are a moron.”
“Would it help if I agreed with you?” He smiled, but his eyes were hard.
I turned my face away from him, anger, hope, desire all battling within me. “You could have told me how you felt.”
“I was going to,” he said. “I wanted to tell you when I gave you the ring . . . but I choked.”
I looked at him, saw he was blushing, and knew everything he’d said was true.
“I . . .” Words wouldn’t come. What could I even say?
“All I’m asking for is a fair shot. Or maybe a fresh start, but I needed you to know where I’m coming from,” he said. “I know the odds are against me. Shay swooped in and changed your life. He saved you.”
“I saved him. And myself.”
“I just meant that he’s been the hero all along. Of course you’d want him. But the history we have, our past. Not all of it was bad.”
“I know that.”
“You can’t tell me that when we were at the house, alone, a part of you didn’t want to stay.”
I gripped the towel tighter so I wouldn’t drop it. He was right. At least partly. I was still drawn to him—the one who was so obviously my counterpart. The mate I’d thought I would spend my life with. I was afraid to let go of the past that kept us bound together. That road was familiar. I knew what life with Ren would be, where I fit into that picture, and that I cared deeply for him. The temptation to keep him close nipped at me relentlessly.
