His hands slipped beneath my shirt, stroking my stomach, sliding up, pushing aside my bra. I moaned and bit his lip, reveling in the full press of his weight against me as our bodies began to move together.
With each touch of his fingers my skin came alive, crackling like tinder under a lit match. Burning away fear. Burning away sorrow. Burning away loss.
I heard my own cry of pleasure as his mouth followed the path of his hands, and I struggled for thought in the face of torrid sensation.
I shouldn’t be doing this. I can’t be doing this.
My mind reeled as I called up the image of Shay. He’d been the one to open this world to me. His hands, his body had set my soul on fire for the first time. I’d wanted him so much, and at that moment I was sure Ren was lost, that he’d chosen the Keepers’ path, I’d drowned my grief by giving in to the flood of desire for Shay.
But what if Ren hadn’t chosen? What if we’d left him behind too soon? What if Monroe had been right?
When I’d been faced with encounters like these with Ren in the past, I’d been restrained by the Keepers’ Laws, always afraid to give myself over to the passion he stirred inside me.
I loved Shay. I had no doubts about that. But I couldn’t deny the powerful reaction I had to Ren, to how much he wanted me. I wondered if there was a bond between us that couldn’t be broken, forged from our shared pasts, born out of the pain of our life as Guardians. Was that bond stronger than the new love that had sprung up between Shay and me?
Ren’s hand slipped between my thighs and I shivered. My body knew what was coming and it screamed for more. If I’d had any notion that being with Shay would have smothered the allure of Ren’s caress, it was swept away in that moment. Through my night in the garden with Shay, I’d had my first taste of lovers’ secrets, and I was intoxicated with wanting to know the ways Ren would bring my body to life. And I wondered if giving him that pleasure would somehow take away the horrors he’d been dealt because of me. His touch pulled me back in time, into a past where we were together as it was always meant to be. Where my mother was alive and my brother wasn’t broken.
His lips were on mine again. I twined my fingers in his dark hair.
“I love you,” he murmured, briefly breaking the kiss. “I’ve always loved you.”
My heart skipped a beat. “I—”
It was like Shay was there, whispering in my ear.
You loved him.
Yes.
But not the way you love me.
I love you.
Shay. I’d only ever said those words to Shay. I didn’t want that to change.
What the hell am I doing? I loved Ren. I still loved him. But this place, these intimate ghosts that held me in this room, on this bed, murmuring of past promises and stolen dreams, none of it was my life now. Lingering here, no matter what my feelings, only kept us from escaping a fate we hadn’t chosen for ourselves.
My pulse was racing. Ren kissed me again, but I felt like I was in the arms of a restless spirit that haunted me and not the lover I wanted.
“Wait,” I whispered. “Please wait.”
“Don’t,” he said, moving his mouth over my neck. “Don’t do that, Calla. Don’t try to leave. Just be here. Be with me.”
Couldn’t he see it? There was no here. This place was empty, full of nothing but sadness and—if we lingered—death.
“Ren,” I said, pushing at him gently but firmly. I was beginning to panic but didn’t want to show it. Every word, every move had to be chosen with the utmost care. If I said the wrong thing, I might send Ren running back to the Keepers. While I couldn’t be with him the way he wanted, not here, not now—maybe not ever—I wasn’t going to lose him either. “It’s not safe.”
“What?” He straightened, blinking at me. “Oh. Oh, of course. Look, Calla, I’m sorry about the other girls. I know that must be strange for you, and it wasn’t fair, but I swear I was always careful. I’m completely healthy. It’s safe.”
I stared at him and then burst into laughter.
“I’m not lying,” he said, looking slightly injured by my outburst.
“No,” I said, trying to catch my breath. “I believe you.”
“Good.” He smiled and leaned in for another kiss. But I squirmed away; the passion that had caught me off guard when I’d first found Ren wouldn’t snare me again. This place was dangerous for both of us.
“No,” I said again. “I meant it’s not safe because the people who built this house want me dead. We’re using time we don’t have. We need to go.”
“Not yet.” He reached for me. “We aren’t in danger. No one comes here. Not ever.”
His words made me shiver as I wondered how many times Ren had come here. How often was he forced to be a lone wolf rather than the pack’s alpha?
“Yes, yet.” I sidestepped to dodge his hands. “Adne’s waiting out there. Your sister.”
Ren’s expression transformed, desire and frustration giving way to amazement.
“My sister,” he murmured. I made a mental note of his reaction, which I might need again. Ren’s alpha instincts—his need to claim me—could be diverted by Adne. She was the family he truly needed. His sister was the only link to a past that offered him salvation from the brutality of Emile. From the pain of knowing his mother had been killed by the Keepers and that he’d never known his real father.
“We can talk about this when we’re back at the Academy.” I hurried to fix my clothes, trying to ignore the guilt that tore through me. It was hurtling at me from both sides—I didn’t know what I’d say to Ren once we got out of Vail and I didn’t know what I’d tell Shay about what had transpired here. My own feelings were a jumbled chaos that seemed impossible to untangle.
“You’re not getting out of this,” he growled, pulling me against him. “I’m not letting you go. Not again.”
“I know,” I said, not resisting when he kissed me, wondering just how deep a hole I was digging myself into. But I was afraid that saying anything to counter Ren’s hopes would make him change his mind about coming with me. I couldn’t let that happen.
“Good.”
I felt him smile through the kiss.
We left the bedroom, hurrying down the stairs. When we reached the front door, he paused, turning to look at his surroundings.
With each touch of his fingers my skin came alive, crackling like tinder under a lit match. Burning away fear. Burning away sorrow. Burning away loss.
I heard my own cry of pleasure as his mouth followed the path of his hands, and I struggled for thought in the face of torrid sensation.
I shouldn’t be doing this. I can’t be doing this.
My mind reeled as I called up the image of Shay. He’d been the one to open this world to me. His hands, his body had set my soul on fire for the first time. I’d wanted him so much, and at that moment I was sure Ren was lost, that he’d chosen the Keepers’ path, I’d drowned my grief by giving in to the flood of desire for Shay.
But what if Ren hadn’t chosen? What if we’d left him behind too soon? What if Monroe had been right?
When I’d been faced with encounters like these with Ren in the past, I’d been restrained by the Keepers’ Laws, always afraid to give myself over to the passion he stirred inside me.
I loved Shay. I had no doubts about that. But I couldn’t deny the powerful reaction I had to Ren, to how much he wanted me. I wondered if there was a bond between us that couldn’t be broken, forged from our shared pasts, born out of the pain of our life as Guardians. Was that bond stronger than the new love that had sprung up between Shay and me?
Ren’s hand slipped between my thighs and I shivered. My body knew what was coming and it screamed for more. If I’d had any notion that being with Shay would have smothered the allure of Ren’s caress, it was swept away in that moment. Through my night in the garden with Shay, I’d had my first taste of lovers’ secrets, and I was intoxicated with wanting to know the ways Ren would bring my body to life. And I wondered if giving him that pleasure would somehow take away the horrors he’d been dealt because of me. His touch pulled me back in time, into a past where we were together as it was always meant to be. Where my mother was alive and my brother wasn’t broken.
His lips were on mine again. I twined my fingers in his dark hair.
“I love you,” he murmured, briefly breaking the kiss. “I’ve always loved you.”
My heart skipped a beat. “I—”
It was like Shay was there, whispering in my ear.
You loved him.
Yes.
But not the way you love me.
I love you.
Shay. I’d only ever said those words to Shay. I didn’t want that to change.
What the hell am I doing? I loved Ren. I still loved him. But this place, these intimate ghosts that held me in this room, on this bed, murmuring of past promises and stolen dreams, none of it was my life now. Lingering here, no matter what my feelings, only kept us from escaping a fate we hadn’t chosen for ourselves.
My pulse was racing. Ren kissed me again, but I felt like I was in the arms of a restless spirit that haunted me and not the lover I wanted.
“Wait,” I whispered. “Please wait.”
“Don’t,” he said, moving his mouth over my neck. “Don’t do that, Calla. Don’t try to leave. Just be here. Be with me.”
Couldn’t he see it? There was no here. This place was empty, full of nothing but sadness and—if we lingered—death.
“Ren,” I said, pushing at him gently but firmly. I was beginning to panic but didn’t want to show it. Every word, every move had to be chosen with the utmost care. If I said the wrong thing, I might send Ren running back to the Keepers. While I couldn’t be with him the way he wanted, not here, not now—maybe not ever—I wasn’t going to lose him either. “It’s not safe.”
“What?” He straightened, blinking at me. “Oh. Oh, of course. Look, Calla, I’m sorry about the other girls. I know that must be strange for you, and it wasn’t fair, but I swear I was always careful. I’m completely healthy. It’s safe.”
I stared at him and then burst into laughter.
“I’m not lying,” he said, looking slightly injured by my outburst.
“No,” I said, trying to catch my breath. “I believe you.”
“Good.” He smiled and leaned in for another kiss. But I squirmed away; the passion that had caught me off guard when I’d first found Ren wouldn’t snare me again. This place was dangerous for both of us.
“No,” I said again. “I meant it’s not safe because the people who built this house want me dead. We’re using time we don’t have. We need to go.”
“Not yet.” He reached for me. “We aren’t in danger. No one comes here. Not ever.”
His words made me shiver as I wondered how many times Ren had come here. How often was he forced to be a lone wolf rather than the pack’s alpha?
“Yes, yet.” I sidestepped to dodge his hands. “Adne’s waiting out there. Your sister.”
Ren’s expression transformed, desire and frustration giving way to amazement.
“My sister,” he murmured. I made a mental note of his reaction, which I might need again. Ren’s alpha instincts—his need to claim me—could be diverted by Adne. She was the family he truly needed. His sister was the only link to a past that offered him salvation from the brutality of Emile. From the pain of knowing his mother had been killed by the Keepers and that he’d never known his real father.
“We can talk about this when we’re back at the Academy.” I hurried to fix my clothes, trying to ignore the guilt that tore through me. It was hurtling at me from both sides—I didn’t know what I’d say to Ren once we got out of Vail and I didn’t know what I’d tell Shay about what had transpired here. My own feelings were a jumbled chaos that seemed impossible to untangle.
“You’re not getting out of this,” he growled, pulling me against him. “I’m not letting you go. Not again.”
“I know,” I said, not resisting when he kissed me, wondering just how deep a hole I was digging myself into. But I was afraid that saying anything to counter Ren’s hopes would make him change his mind about coming with me. I couldn’t let that happen.
“Good.”
I felt him smile through the kiss.
We left the bedroom, hurrying down the stairs. When we reached the front door, he paused, turning to look at his surroundings.
