Boarded by Love
Page 49
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“Don’t lie to me. He means something to you and that’s good,” she says and then pauses. When I look up, I see that she’s watching me. “Is he the reason you asked who knew about me in the club?”
“Yeah,” I say, picking up a napkin and tearing it apart. “I haven’t told him and I feel like I’m lying to him. I don’t want to do that because this is new and perfect, and oh God, Reese, I’m falling for him. He means so much to me in such a short amount of time, and honestly, I don’t think I could lose him.”
She nods, a smile playing on her lips. “That’s wonderful, Claire. I’m so happy for you and can’t wait to see this blossom for you. I didn’t have a boyfriend back then, so it was different for me, but I’m assuming that you think Jude won’t like his girlfriend dancing for a group of men. Even if it is in a classy way like burlesque dancing.”
“I don’t think so,” I say. “But I can’t quit. I need the security of that money.”
Her face scrunches up, and I regret the words I say as soon as they leave my lips. I just got myself in a world of trouble.
“We’ve been through this, Claire. You don’t need money – we will take care of you.”
“I know you guys will, but I don’t want to depend on you my whole life. I have to stand on my own two feet.”
“I understand that, but you don’t have to do something you are ashamed of to make ends meet. We will take care of you.”
“I’m not ashamed,” I say, but that’s not the whole truth. I love doing this, but I know that Phillip and Jude won’t like it, and because of that, I’m ashamed. Shaking my head, I whisper, “I have to take care of myself.”
“I wish I could slap your mother. God rest her soul, but I mean, shit, Claire. How much do we have to do to reassure you that we aren’t going anywhere? All these years have passed. Have we left? No, we’re here for the long haul. Beside you, loving you, you know we love you, right?”
I nod, meeting her gaze. “Of course I do, but–”
“That’s all that matters,” she says, “We love you. Nothing will ever stop that. You have to quit with this. I know people have come and gone in your life, but sweetheart, we aren’t going anywhere.”
I want to trust and believe that, I do, but it’s hard. But I grew up with my mom saying, “No one stays forever,” and I believed her. Reese and Phillip could decide they are done with me in an instant. Hell, Jude could too, but while I pick up the pieces of my heart, I have to have something to fall back on. I have to have that security. Money is that. I will always have food and shelter as long as I have money.
Reaching for my hand, she squeezes my fingers and I look up at her. “Answer me this: do you like dancing onstage?”
I bite the inside of my cheek so hard I taste blood so I let up. I don’t want to answer her because I know what she’s going to say. But I also know I can’t lie to her. “I don’t like the attention sometimes. I don’t like dancing as someone else, and I don’t like when we get the drunks who try to grab me and shit, but I love the idea of burlesque.”
“Then you quit. Right now.”
I’m shaking my head before she finishes the sentence. I ignore her irritated look and say, “Reese, I need another twenty grand and I’ll quit. I’ll have enough for a studio and a decent life after I graduate. Not much longer, a month or two at the most. I want to do this investors thing too.”
Eyeing me, she doesn’t say anything for a long time, and then she asks, “I can’t talk you out of this, can I? You’re gonna do it no matter what? You know you can do the investors thing offstage.”
I nod. “Yeah, I know, but I make so much money onstage. I can’t walk away from that, plus Ms. Prissy would freak if I quit. I’m her best dancer.”
“I know, honey, but if you don’t like it, you don’t have to do it.”
“I know, but I do like it…sometimes, and I think in my heart I know y’all will never leave me, but I’m scared. I need this security. Please just let me get it and then I’ll quit. I promise.”
“Two months, that’s it.”
“Two months. Then I’ll quit. But what should I do about Jude?”
Shaking her head, she says, “Quit, or tell him.”
“I’m afraid if I tell him he’ll leave. I know it hasn’t been that long, but I don’t want to lose him.”
“If he leaves, then he doesn’t deserve you. But you need to be honest or this will blow up in your face. This is a respectable business; it’s not like being a stripper. You aren’t that.”
I know she’s right, but maybe I can just keep it quiet for another two months. Though, that just doesn’t seem right. I feel as if I’m not giving him all of me and I hate that. I know he’s an all-in kind of guy, and I feel like he deserves the same from me, but I don’t know how to share this with him.
Looking across the table, I know she’s frustrated with me. Maybe even a little hurt. “Are you mad?”
Looking at me, she says, “No. I’m hurt. I thought we’d done everything we could to make you feel secure in our love, but I guess not.”
“No, you have, I promise. I’m just scared, Reese. I love you guys. I couldn’t be the person I am without you.”
“Then quit.”
“In two months, please. Two months, Reese.”
Shaking her head, she takes in a deep breath and then lets it go. “Fine, but you need to tell Phillip too while you’re at it. Especially if this becomes something you’re going to do forever. I know that you may be scared that he’ll be mad, but I bet you he won’t. He wants whatever is going to make you happy.”
“I know that, but he still isn’t going to like that I’m onstage.”
“No, but he’ll get over it as soon as you tell him this is something you want to make into a career. You’re good at it, beautiful at it. Phillip is all about what makes us happy, and that’s all that matters. He always says as long as his girls are happy, life is good. That’s what a good man does. He loves you for all of you and supports you in what you want to do. I bet if you tell Jude the same thing, he’ll understand. You just have to believe that.”
“Yeah,” I say, picking up a napkin and tearing it apart. “I haven’t told him and I feel like I’m lying to him. I don’t want to do that because this is new and perfect, and oh God, Reese, I’m falling for him. He means so much to me in such a short amount of time, and honestly, I don’t think I could lose him.”
She nods, a smile playing on her lips. “That’s wonderful, Claire. I’m so happy for you and can’t wait to see this blossom for you. I didn’t have a boyfriend back then, so it was different for me, but I’m assuming that you think Jude won’t like his girlfriend dancing for a group of men. Even if it is in a classy way like burlesque dancing.”
“I don’t think so,” I say. “But I can’t quit. I need the security of that money.”
Her face scrunches up, and I regret the words I say as soon as they leave my lips. I just got myself in a world of trouble.
“We’ve been through this, Claire. You don’t need money – we will take care of you.”
“I know you guys will, but I don’t want to depend on you my whole life. I have to stand on my own two feet.”
“I understand that, but you don’t have to do something you are ashamed of to make ends meet. We will take care of you.”
“I’m not ashamed,” I say, but that’s not the whole truth. I love doing this, but I know that Phillip and Jude won’t like it, and because of that, I’m ashamed. Shaking my head, I whisper, “I have to take care of myself.”
“I wish I could slap your mother. God rest her soul, but I mean, shit, Claire. How much do we have to do to reassure you that we aren’t going anywhere? All these years have passed. Have we left? No, we’re here for the long haul. Beside you, loving you, you know we love you, right?”
I nod, meeting her gaze. “Of course I do, but–”
“That’s all that matters,” she says, “We love you. Nothing will ever stop that. You have to quit with this. I know people have come and gone in your life, but sweetheart, we aren’t going anywhere.”
I want to trust and believe that, I do, but it’s hard. But I grew up with my mom saying, “No one stays forever,” and I believed her. Reese and Phillip could decide they are done with me in an instant. Hell, Jude could too, but while I pick up the pieces of my heart, I have to have something to fall back on. I have to have that security. Money is that. I will always have food and shelter as long as I have money.
Reaching for my hand, she squeezes my fingers and I look up at her. “Answer me this: do you like dancing onstage?”
I bite the inside of my cheek so hard I taste blood so I let up. I don’t want to answer her because I know what she’s going to say. But I also know I can’t lie to her. “I don’t like the attention sometimes. I don’t like dancing as someone else, and I don’t like when we get the drunks who try to grab me and shit, but I love the idea of burlesque.”
“Then you quit. Right now.”
I’m shaking my head before she finishes the sentence. I ignore her irritated look and say, “Reese, I need another twenty grand and I’ll quit. I’ll have enough for a studio and a decent life after I graduate. Not much longer, a month or two at the most. I want to do this investors thing too.”
Eyeing me, she doesn’t say anything for a long time, and then she asks, “I can’t talk you out of this, can I? You’re gonna do it no matter what? You know you can do the investors thing offstage.”
I nod. “Yeah, I know, but I make so much money onstage. I can’t walk away from that, plus Ms. Prissy would freak if I quit. I’m her best dancer.”
“I know, honey, but if you don’t like it, you don’t have to do it.”
“I know, but I do like it…sometimes, and I think in my heart I know y’all will never leave me, but I’m scared. I need this security. Please just let me get it and then I’ll quit. I promise.”
“Two months, that’s it.”
“Two months. Then I’ll quit. But what should I do about Jude?”
Shaking her head, she says, “Quit, or tell him.”
“I’m afraid if I tell him he’ll leave. I know it hasn’t been that long, but I don’t want to lose him.”
“If he leaves, then he doesn’t deserve you. But you need to be honest or this will blow up in your face. This is a respectable business; it’s not like being a stripper. You aren’t that.”
I know she’s right, but maybe I can just keep it quiet for another two months. Though, that just doesn’t seem right. I feel as if I’m not giving him all of me and I hate that. I know he’s an all-in kind of guy, and I feel like he deserves the same from me, but I don’t know how to share this with him.
Looking across the table, I know she’s frustrated with me. Maybe even a little hurt. “Are you mad?”
Looking at me, she says, “No. I’m hurt. I thought we’d done everything we could to make you feel secure in our love, but I guess not.”
“No, you have, I promise. I’m just scared, Reese. I love you guys. I couldn’t be the person I am without you.”
“Then quit.”
“In two months, please. Two months, Reese.”
Shaking her head, she takes in a deep breath and then lets it go. “Fine, but you need to tell Phillip too while you’re at it. Especially if this becomes something you’re going to do forever. I know that you may be scared that he’ll be mad, but I bet you he won’t. He wants whatever is going to make you happy.”
“I know that, but he still isn’t going to like that I’m onstage.”
“No, but he’ll get over it as soon as you tell him this is something you want to make into a career. You’re good at it, beautiful at it. Phillip is all about what makes us happy, and that’s all that matters. He always says as long as his girls are happy, life is good. That’s what a good man does. He loves you for all of you and supports you in what you want to do. I bet if you tell Jude the same thing, he’ll understand. You just have to believe that.”
