It was part of his puzzle, a big piece of his mystery. Something had happened to him, something terrible, and he shut himself off to everything. My heart was breaking as I took in the sight of the evidence of his once broken body.
Tears flowed in steady streams down my face when I dropped to the ground, my legs giving out. I erupted in violent shakes, arms wrapping around my body, trying desperately to keep the sob that was threatening to escape within me.
“Lila?” His voice was groggy and thick with sleep. He jumped out of bed and stood in front of me, giving me the full view of his body and all the damage that had been inflicted. The sob broke from my chest, and it was painful and raw. “Lila?”
He dropped down on the ground in front of me, and I flung my arms around his neck, pulling him close. Tears were falling from my eyes as his arms wrapped around my body, his head dipping into the crook of my neck.
“What happened? What happened to you?” I asked through my sobs. His grip grew tighter as if he was using my body to hold his own together, to keep himself from breaking.
“Please, don’t ask me that. Please… I can’t…”
We held each other on the floor for what seemed like hours until my tears stopped. I leaned away from him to see a frightened look in his eyes. My gaze wandered his body, my fingers reaching out to trace the large scar around his hip. He didn’t flinch at my investigation, but stared at me in wonder.
He leaned in and took my bottom lip between his teeth, staring into my eyes. He was searching for something, but he couldn’t find it.
“Push me away; you have to,” he demanded. His eyes were haunted and scared.
“No.”
“Push me away!”
“I can’t!” I cried out, the tears returning.
His body sagged. “Why? Tell me why…say it.”
My heart was breaking for the hollow, empty shell of a man in front of me. “Because I want you! I want you so much it hurts! I need all of you, and I can’t deny it anymore.”
He looked down at me, his inner conflict and turmoil evident on his face.
His fingers brushed strands of hair behind my ear as he cupped my face. “I can’t give you what you want, beautiful. I’ll only hurt you.”
“It’s okay. If it’s you, I don’t mind.”
“Stop,” he pleaded, his hands coming up in surrender. “Let’s just go back to bed.”
“Okay…okay.”
With that, we returned to the sanctuary that was his bed, and curled up in each other’s arms. It seemed to be what we both wanted, what we both needed. He was relenting, if even a little, and letting himself simply be.
CHAPTER 9
It’d been a week since I admitted to myself I was altered. That Nathan had altered me. The growing feelings for him I’d kept hidden, were out. The night after we left the club made me face that fact. How I thought and felt about him changed; he wasn’t the ass**le I thought he was when I first met him. He was a broken man, and it made me wonder – can two broken souls make one whole person?
He intrigued me, it wasn’t only sex anymore. Every time his guard dropped around me, I saw the real Nathan, and I liked him. I wanted him. Every day I needed him more. Any thought of leaving him and returning to the way we were, was painful.
One week had passed since he conceded to letting himself have something with me. It was undefined and not spoken about out loud; little different than it was in the beginning. The exception was every night he was either in my bed or I was in his. It started on Saturday night when he showed up at my door just before midnight and took me against the wall in the entryway.
For three nights in a row, I was running to answer his knock near midnight. He’d f**ked me like I’d never been f**ked before. His eyes were dark and angry as he snarled at me; always reminding me he believed his lust for me was my fault. Hands dug into my flesh, bruising me. They were harsh as he pulled me to him, at the same time he pushed me away. Then we’d crawl into bed and fall sleep, his arms wrapped around me with the same intensity he’d used to f**k me.
On the fourth night, things changed. It was past midnight and he hadn’t knocked on my door. I knew of his struggle, and if I truly wanted him, I was going to have to fight for him. So, a few minutes before one in the morning, I knocked on his door and f**ked him into oblivion then collapsed, exhausted, in his bed.
I’d never had such a peaceful sleep. The cure for my insomnia appeared to be a hard f**king, as I had passed out every night and did not wake until the alarm went off the next morning.
That lasted until the wee hours of Saturday morning when I felt the bed shake before Nathan screamed out—a sound so raw and harrowing, I knew it would haunt me for the rest of my life.
His body was shaking, his chest gasping for air as he swung his legs around the side of the bed. He fumbled in the dark with the light switch, and I cringed against the sudden, intense glow that filled the room. I couldn’t see anything, but I heard a drawer open, and the clinking of plastic and what sounded like pills bouncing around. Frustrated sounds and movements came from him in his frantic search. Once he found the right bottle, he opened a container and threw his head back.
I crawled out from under the comforter to sit next to him, my eyes having adjusted to the light. He must have felt the bed move, because his hand shot out and pushed the drawer closed, as if he didn’t want me to see the contents inside. He was still breathing hard, his face contorted in pain and anguish. My chest constricted; his agony became mine. It was so overpowering at times; I wondered how he even managed day-to-day tasks. Or was it my presence? It was always me that set him off, that much I knew. He never did explain why, other than he was angry at himself for wanting me and giving into that want to some degree.
My hands reached up to cup his face. His pained gaze met mine as he leaned into my touch.
“Ssshhh,” I soothed, my other hand stroking the sweat matted hair from his face. “It’s all right, baby. Everything’s all right.”
His lips caught mine in a harsh kiss. He didn’t say anything, but pulled me close as we lay back down. His arms wrapped around my body, head lowering to the crook of my neck. My hands began running through his hair.
After a while he calmed and I could feel the even temper of his breath blowing across my chest. Tears stung my eyes, but I pushed them back. I needed to be stronger if I was going to help him; a large feat for me.
Tears flowed in steady streams down my face when I dropped to the ground, my legs giving out. I erupted in violent shakes, arms wrapping around my body, trying desperately to keep the sob that was threatening to escape within me.
“Lila?” His voice was groggy and thick with sleep. He jumped out of bed and stood in front of me, giving me the full view of his body and all the damage that had been inflicted. The sob broke from my chest, and it was painful and raw. “Lila?”
He dropped down on the ground in front of me, and I flung my arms around his neck, pulling him close. Tears were falling from my eyes as his arms wrapped around my body, his head dipping into the crook of my neck.
“What happened? What happened to you?” I asked through my sobs. His grip grew tighter as if he was using my body to hold his own together, to keep himself from breaking.
“Please, don’t ask me that. Please… I can’t…”
We held each other on the floor for what seemed like hours until my tears stopped. I leaned away from him to see a frightened look in his eyes. My gaze wandered his body, my fingers reaching out to trace the large scar around his hip. He didn’t flinch at my investigation, but stared at me in wonder.
He leaned in and took my bottom lip between his teeth, staring into my eyes. He was searching for something, but he couldn’t find it.
“Push me away; you have to,” he demanded. His eyes were haunted and scared.
“No.”
“Push me away!”
“I can’t!” I cried out, the tears returning.
His body sagged. “Why? Tell me why…say it.”
My heart was breaking for the hollow, empty shell of a man in front of me. “Because I want you! I want you so much it hurts! I need all of you, and I can’t deny it anymore.”
He looked down at me, his inner conflict and turmoil evident on his face.
His fingers brushed strands of hair behind my ear as he cupped my face. “I can’t give you what you want, beautiful. I’ll only hurt you.”
“It’s okay. If it’s you, I don’t mind.”
“Stop,” he pleaded, his hands coming up in surrender. “Let’s just go back to bed.”
“Okay…okay.”
With that, we returned to the sanctuary that was his bed, and curled up in each other’s arms. It seemed to be what we both wanted, what we both needed. He was relenting, if even a little, and letting himself simply be.
CHAPTER 9
It’d been a week since I admitted to myself I was altered. That Nathan had altered me. The growing feelings for him I’d kept hidden, were out. The night after we left the club made me face that fact. How I thought and felt about him changed; he wasn’t the ass**le I thought he was when I first met him. He was a broken man, and it made me wonder – can two broken souls make one whole person?
He intrigued me, it wasn’t only sex anymore. Every time his guard dropped around me, I saw the real Nathan, and I liked him. I wanted him. Every day I needed him more. Any thought of leaving him and returning to the way we were, was painful.
One week had passed since he conceded to letting himself have something with me. It was undefined and not spoken about out loud; little different than it was in the beginning. The exception was every night he was either in my bed or I was in his. It started on Saturday night when he showed up at my door just before midnight and took me against the wall in the entryway.
For three nights in a row, I was running to answer his knock near midnight. He’d f**ked me like I’d never been f**ked before. His eyes were dark and angry as he snarled at me; always reminding me he believed his lust for me was my fault. Hands dug into my flesh, bruising me. They were harsh as he pulled me to him, at the same time he pushed me away. Then we’d crawl into bed and fall sleep, his arms wrapped around me with the same intensity he’d used to f**k me.
On the fourth night, things changed. It was past midnight and he hadn’t knocked on my door. I knew of his struggle, and if I truly wanted him, I was going to have to fight for him. So, a few minutes before one in the morning, I knocked on his door and f**ked him into oblivion then collapsed, exhausted, in his bed.
I’d never had such a peaceful sleep. The cure for my insomnia appeared to be a hard f**king, as I had passed out every night and did not wake until the alarm went off the next morning.
That lasted until the wee hours of Saturday morning when I felt the bed shake before Nathan screamed out—a sound so raw and harrowing, I knew it would haunt me for the rest of my life.
His body was shaking, his chest gasping for air as he swung his legs around the side of the bed. He fumbled in the dark with the light switch, and I cringed against the sudden, intense glow that filled the room. I couldn’t see anything, but I heard a drawer open, and the clinking of plastic and what sounded like pills bouncing around. Frustrated sounds and movements came from him in his frantic search. Once he found the right bottle, he opened a container and threw his head back.
I crawled out from under the comforter to sit next to him, my eyes having adjusted to the light. He must have felt the bed move, because his hand shot out and pushed the drawer closed, as if he didn’t want me to see the contents inside. He was still breathing hard, his face contorted in pain and anguish. My chest constricted; his agony became mine. It was so overpowering at times; I wondered how he even managed day-to-day tasks. Or was it my presence? It was always me that set him off, that much I knew. He never did explain why, other than he was angry at himself for wanting me and giving into that want to some degree.
My hands reached up to cup his face. His pained gaze met mine as he leaned into my touch.
“Ssshhh,” I soothed, my other hand stroking the sweat matted hair from his face. “It’s all right, baby. Everything’s all right.”
His lips caught mine in a harsh kiss. He didn’t say anything, but pulled me close as we lay back down. His arms wrapped around my body, head lowering to the crook of my neck. My hands began running through his hair.
After a while he calmed and I could feel the even temper of his breath blowing across my chest. Tears stung my eyes, but I pushed them back. I needed to be stronger if I was going to help him; a large feat for me.
