After a moment, he headed to the living room and sat down on the couch. His eyes were fixed on the fireplace, his leg bouncing at a furious pace. He picked up a sandstone coaster from the coffee table and twirled it in his hand.
I moved to stand near him, remaining silent so he would continue. A snarl ripped through his chest as his arm pulled back and he chucked the coaster into the fireplace. It fractured, sending dust and debris around the room.
“I was cocky. I thought nothing and no one could touch me. I was very wrong.” His eyes were glassy and his voice wooden.
The weight of all his words dropped me to the ground in front of him. A tear escaped and landed on the carpet between us. There was more, so much more he was omitting.
“I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t handle it, not after... I tried, I did. I failed miserably when not even a month back in, I exploded in the court room.”
His eyes met mine. His look was pleading, begging me for understanding.
“But you’re not a prosecutor anymore,” I observed.
“Do you think that matters, Lila?” he asked. “This condo? It isn’t even under my name. Because I’m still alive.”
There was a shift, and calmness took hold of him. It was eerie, and I assumed it was from years of hiding from everyone. He just flipped the switch and that was it. Topic ended.
His gaze bored into mine, and I felt oddly exposed. It was like he was opening me up, seeing everything that I was…or wasn’t.
“Why are you so empty?” he asked.
I stared at him, stunned.
“I can see it as clear as day. It’s one of the many things that drew me to you. You’re empty. You wear a mask to hide it, to make yourself seem somewhat normal, but your face… Do you know how expressionless it is when you think no one is looking? I provoke you to get some kind of reaction, like you provoke me to feel. Have you ever been happy?”
I was bombarded with question after question, and my anxiety started clawing its way through my being.
“Is that why you chose law? Contracts in general, because it’s cold with precise guidelines? The people at the office don’t see it. They think you’re frigid, but I know you have a loving soul. The problem is you were never shown love, right? That’s very cruel, to grow up without love,” he stated with a cool tone, his eyebrow quirked in curiosity.
“Shut up!” I jumped to my feet, my fists clenched at my sides, my eyes blazing. I felt like a cat; the hackles standing on my neck, baring my teeth as I hissed. It was like he was poking me with a stick, and I wanted to swat at him to get him to stop.
He stood and walked over to stand directly in front of me. “Why? Because you don’t want someone to point out what you’re lacking? That’s why things failed with you and Andrew, isn’t it? He couldn’t take your darkness, couldn’t fill your void. He seems like the type to want to fix something that’s broken.”
“Shut up, shut up, shut up!” I screamed, my fists beating against his chest.
He needed to stop, I needed him to stop. How? How did he know what no one else knew?
I can’t stand to look at you.
No one will ever want you. No one will ever love you.
I hate you. I never wanted you. I was dumped with you.
You. Are. Nothing.
“Please, it hurts!” I moaned, my heart shredding inside me.
“Why?”
“Because I was never wanted, I was never good enough, never smart enough, never loved! He hated me; I was in the way of his happiness, shackled to him.”
Their words were running through my mind on a loop. All of the things they had said to me my whole life.
I wish you’d never been born.
No one wants you here, you should just leave.
“He hated that my mother died and forced me upon him: a child he never wanted from a woman he knew for a day. The things he said, the looks he gave…so many times, he wouldn’t even give me that. It hurt more than when he smacked me or grabbed me and yelled. Those were the only times he ever touched me. He was my father. He was supposed to love me. Protect me!” My chest felt like it was ripping as I spilled my darkest secrets, showing him just how much I was lacking.
His face was pale, but there was no abhorrent look of pity—more like an expression of understanding and empathy. So, I took a deep breath and braced myself so I could continue on.
“My stepmother, she ignored me. Oh, God…the nasty things she would say to bring me down. She knew he wouldn’t stop her; he encouraged her. Then there was Adam…” I paused, but wasn’t sure I could find the words to describe him. I shivered as I envisioned him, sneering at me. My whole body shook with violent vibrations.
“He took high advantage of being able to say and do whatever he wanted. He hated it when I moved in, hated his beloved stepfather bringing him a sister, and made it his personal mission to make me the most alienated and bullied kid in school. I kept my head down, my mouth shut, and prayed for someone to see me. For someone to love me… I still don’t know why I never killed myself. I thought about it, a lot.”
My voice was cracking at the end; I couldn’t take anymore. It felt like my chest had been cut open, and my worthless self had been laid bare for Nathan to see, to dissect, and then to abandon as a lost cause. I wouldn’t blame him, because everything he said was true. I was hollow, nothing but emptiness. I so craved the love I had been denied and the chance to love in return. Words could not express how deeply I craved the feeling of being wanted.
Nathan did that. He made me feel what I hadn’t ever felt before: wanted, desired, beautiful, sexy. To him, I was all of those. He made me start to think all I’d been led to believe was a lie. He was filling the void. I would give him anything he wanted. It was twisted and unhealthy, but I didn’t care. My feelings for him were more than I had ever felt for anyone in my life.
Sobs wracked my body, my fists losing their momentum. His arms wrapped around me, pulling me to him, holding me up.
His fingers stroked my hair, calming me. “You’re dead inside, just like me.”
“That’s not true,” I argued. “You have very strong emotions, violent almost.”
He laughed. It was almost maniacal. “You don’t get it.” He pulled back to look at me, his gaze serious and intense. My muscles tensed in response. “I wish I was dead.” I stared up at him in disbelief. “I wish the paramedics had taken five more minutes to get there.”
I moved to stand near him, remaining silent so he would continue. A snarl ripped through his chest as his arm pulled back and he chucked the coaster into the fireplace. It fractured, sending dust and debris around the room.
“I was cocky. I thought nothing and no one could touch me. I was very wrong.” His eyes were glassy and his voice wooden.
The weight of all his words dropped me to the ground in front of him. A tear escaped and landed on the carpet between us. There was more, so much more he was omitting.
“I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t handle it, not after... I tried, I did. I failed miserably when not even a month back in, I exploded in the court room.”
His eyes met mine. His look was pleading, begging me for understanding.
“But you’re not a prosecutor anymore,” I observed.
“Do you think that matters, Lila?” he asked. “This condo? It isn’t even under my name. Because I’m still alive.”
There was a shift, and calmness took hold of him. It was eerie, and I assumed it was from years of hiding from everyone. He just flipped the switch and that was it. Topic ended.
His gaze bored into mine, and I felt oddly exposed. It was like he was opening me up, seeing everything that I was…or wasn’t.
“Why are you so empty?” he asked.
I stared at him, stunned.
“I can see it as clear as day. It’s one of the many things that drew me to you. You’re empty. You wear a mask to hide it, to make yourself seem somewhat normal, but your face… Do you know how expressionless it is when you think no one is looking? I provoke you to get some kind of reaction, like you provoke me to feel. Have you ever been happy?”
I was bombarded with question after question, and my anxiety started clawing its way through my being.
“Is that why you chose law? Contracts in general, because it’s cold with precise guidelines? The people at the office don’t see it. They think you’re frigid, but I know you have a loving soul. The problem is you were never shown love, right? That’s very cruel, to grow up without love,” he stated with a cool tone, his eyebrow quirked in curiosity.
“Shut up!” I jumped to my feet, my fists clenched at my sides, my eyes blazing. I felt like a cat; the hackles standing on my neck, baring my teeth as I hissed. It was like he was poking me with a stick, and I wanted to swat at him to get him to stop.
He stood and walked over to stand directly in front of me. “Why? Because you don’t want someone to point out what you’re lacking? That’s why things failed with you and Andrew, isn’t it? He couldn’t take your darkness, couldn’t fill your void. He seems like the type to want to fix something that’s broken.”
“Shut up, shut up, shut up!” I screamed, my fists beating against his chest.
He needed to stop, I needed him to stop. How? How did he know what no one else knew?
I can’t stand to look at you.
No one will ever want you. No one will ever love you.
I hate you. I never wanted you. I was dumped with you.
You. Are. Nothing.
“Please, it hurts!” I moaned, my heart shredding inside me.
“Why?”
“Because I was never wanted, I was never good enough, never smart enough, never loved! He hated me; I was in the way of his happiness, shackled to him.”
Their words were running through my mind on a loop. All of the things they had said to me my whole life.
I wish you’d never been born.
No one wants you here, you should just leave.
“He hated that my mother died and forced me upon him: a child he never wanted from a woman he knew for a day. The things he said, the looks he gave…so many times, he wouldn’t even give me that. It hurt more than when he smacked me or grabbed me and yelled. Those were the only times he ever touched me. He was my father. He was supposed to love me. Protect me!” My chest felt like it was ripping as I spilled my darkest secrets, showing him just how much I was lacking.
His face was pale, but there was no abhorrent look of pity—more like an expression of understanding and empathy. So, I took a deep breath and braced myself so I could continue on.
“My stepmother, she ignored me. Oh, God…the nasty things she would say to bring me down. She knew he wouldn’t stop her; he encouraged her. Then there was Adam…” I paused, but wasn’t sure I could find the words to describe him. I shivered as I envisioned him, sneering at me. My whole body shook with violent vibrations.
“He took high advantage of being able to say and do whatever he wanted. He hated it when I moved in, hated his beloved stepfather bringing him a sister, and made it his personal mission to make me the most alienated and bullied kid in school. I kept my head down, my mouth shut, and prayed for someone to see me. For someone to love me… I still don’t know why I never killed myself. I thought about it, a lot.”
My voice was cracking at the end; I couldn’t take anymore. It felt like my chest had been cut open, and my worthless self had been laid bare for Nathan to see, to dissect, and then to abandon as a lost cause. I wouldn’t blame him, because everything he said was true. I was hollow, nothing but emptiness. I so craved the love I had been denied and the chance to love in return. Words could not express how deeply I craved the feeling of being wanted.
Nathan did that. He made me feel what I hadn’t ever felt before: wanted, desired, beautiful, sexy. To him, I was all of those. He made me start to think all I’d been led to believe was a lie. He was filling the void. I would give him anything he wanted. It was twisted and unhealthy, but I didn’t care. My feelings for him were more than I had ever felt for anyone in my life.
Sobs wracked my body, my fists losing their momentum. His arms wrapped around me, pulling me to him, holding me up.
His fingers stroked my hair, calming me. “You’re dead inside, just like me.”
“That’s not true,” I argued. “You have very strong emotions, violent almost.”
He laughed. It was almost maniacal. “You don’t get it.” He pulled back to look at me, his gaze serious and intense. My muscles tensed in response. “I wish I was dead.” I stared up at him in disbelief. “I wish the paramedics had taken five more minutes to get there.”
