Voices called to me, whispered echoes surrounded me. I could make them out, if I concentrated. But I didn’t want to concentrate. I wanted the peaceful black.
Most of their words were lost in the depth, mangled, but I could hear the murmurs all the same.
Caroline, Andrew…and Nathan.
I could make out the tenor more than the actual words. Nathan didn’t say much, for which I was thankful, but I could hear Andrew; he was angry, screaming and cursing. Caroline was pleading.
I shook every time I heard Nathan. His voice threatened to pull me back.
I didn’t want to go back. The calm darkness held the pain at bay. I didn’t have to feel my heart shattering in there.
Though the pain came through anyway every time he spoke.
It wasn’t often, but it was there. He stayed silent, and I couldn’t help but wonder why he was there. Didn’t he leave me? Break me? Wasn’t that why I had resigned myself to the darkness?
More voices came, an urgent tone, unknown. I couldn’t feel my body, but I could tell I was being moved.
More time passed and voices came and went. Some familiar, others not.
Dr. Morgenson? He was angry, yelling at someone.
No more Nathan. He was gone. I couldn’t feel him anymore. He left.
A feminine voice, smooth like Nathan’s, showed up at some unknown point. She didn’t talk around me, or about me like the other unknown voices did, but she spoke to me. I couldn’t make out most of her words, but I could tell they were sweet and encouraging. There was a hint of sorrow in her voice as she apologized, but I couldn’t understand why this unknown woman would do something like that.
My chest tore a little more, and I slipped back deeper, away from the pain.
Darkness prevailed. Up, down, day, night; I didn’t know any of those. But I did know I was safe. The pain, the loneliness, the worthlessness; it was all unable to touch me in my own black world.
Nathan didn’t want me.
I rose again, something was pulling me. Not a voice. I couldn’t quite tell, but it pulled me from the darkness, calling out to me. I could hear the beating.
Ba-bump. Ba-bump. Ba-bump.
No voices, no sounds, just the beating, calling to me, pulling at me.
There was nothing but the darkness and the beating. And it was constant, unrelenting.
Ba-bump. Ba-bump. Ba-bump.
Nathan?
It drew me closer to the surface, and I heard the voices again. They spoke medical terminology—gibberish to my ears.
Ba-bump. Ba-bump. Ba-bump.
It was so close. There in the darkness. He was so close.
I began to shake, fighting against his call. I knew it was him, only he pulled at me. He wasn’t in the room, but he was close.
The unknown voices were still speaking, but I didn’t understand them. I only heard him.
Ba-bump. Ba-bump. Ba-bump.
“…ven Palmer.”
One of the voices broke through, calling out the name of the man who helped to conceive me but would never be my father.
All sound stopped. A ringing filled my ears along with the voice.
“Emergency contact. This paperwork is about thirteen years old, but it does say next of kin. Perhaps we should call him? He would want to know about his daughter’s condition.”
No. No. No. Please. You can’t call him. Don’t. No!
I thought I had been screaming in my head, but before me were two wide eyed doctors, staring at me in shock.
I began to scream, begging them not to call him, thrashing in the bed, tears streaming down my face as I yanked on the tubes in my arms in an attempt to flee.
“What the hell is going on in here?” I heard Dr. Morgenson’s voice ring out through my screaming. “Lila. Lila. Calm down!” He called out to me, his hands stroking at my hair.
“Please, please, Dr. Morgenson, don’t let them call him. Please. He doesn’t want me. No one wants me,” I cried. “I can’t listen to him tell me again that he hates me.”
I trusted Dr. Morgenson. He knew my past; he had worked with me before and knew I had no one. That turning to my former family would be worse than death to me.
“Shh, no one is calling anyone, Lila. It’s just you and me here now. You need to calm down before you make me give you a sedative, which I really don’t want to do.” His voice was soothing.
I made my body relax back into the bed, but my breathing was still labored, tears streaming out of my eyes uninhibited. It was then that everything came crashing down on me. The pain in my chest seared like a red hot poker. I stared up at the ceiling in an attempt to calm myself, but it didn’t help. A sob ripped through my body, and I turned to the side, my body curling in on itself as sob after sob poured out.
“Not enough. I’m not enough. Not strong enough. Now…I’m nothing. Nothing. Just like they always said.”
“Lila, I need you to focus on me now, can you do that?” Dr. Morgenson asked.
I turned my head to look at him. He was blurry through the tears, but I could make out his black hair and the look of concern on his face.
“How do you feel?”
“L-like there’s a h-hole in my chest. It h-hurts so much,” I stammered, gasping for air.
“Breathe, Lila. You need to calm down. Take a deep breath,” he instructed.
I complied as best I could. It was difficult with all the things I was suddenly feeling.
There was a pinch on my arm and coldness slipping up my veins and then nothing. I ceased to be. The blackness took me. Thank God…
When I came to, an unknown amount of time later, Dr. Morgenson was there, waiting for me and waiting to explain what was going to happen.
“Lila, I had to sedate you. Do you understand why I did it?”
Yes, I knew why, but I couldn’t bring myself to speak. It hurt too much, so I resorted to basic communication through facial expressions and head movements. I nodded and closed my eyes. I didn’t want to see the disappointment in his eyes. Not his too. I would listen to anything he had to say, but I couldn’t bear to see that look.
One of the things I loved about my doctor was how perceptive he was and how he seemed to believe in me. If it wasn’t for him in the past, I wouldn’t have made it. And here he was again, bandaging me up so I could pretend to exist enough until…what? Until I decided I was done. Until I left and found something better or…
“Here’s the plan. I’m giving you a new prescription. You’re going to take it exactly as I prescribe it. And if you’re still having insomnia you need to start taking the sleeping pills in conjunction. You will go to bed at ten p.m. each night. You will get up at six and shower, get dressed, eat something and go to work. I want to see you every Friday after work at six p.m. No drinking, no bars. Friends are allowed to see you, but only if they’re supportive of you and don’t interfere with your therapy.”
Most of their words were lost in the depth, mangled, but I could hear the murmurs all the same.
Caroline, Andrew…and Nathan.
I could make out the tenor more than the actual words. Nathan didn’t say much, for which I was thankful, but I could hear Andrew; he was angry, screaming and cursing. Caroline was pleading.
I shook every time I heard Nathan. His voice threatened to pull me back.
I didn’t want to go back. The calm darkness held the pain at bay. I didn’t have to feel my heart shattering in there.
Though the pain came through anyway every time he spoke.
It wasn’t often, but it was there. He stayed silent, and I couldn’t help but wonder why he was there. Didn’t he leave me? Break me? Wasn’t that why I had resigned myself to the darkness?
More voices came, an urgent tone, unknown. I couldn’t feel my body, but I could tell I was being moved.
More time passed and voices came and went. Some familiar, others not.
Dr. Morgenson? He was angry, yelling at someone.
No more Nathan. He was gone. I couldn’t feel him anymore. He left.
A feminine voice, smooth like Nathan’s, showed up at some unknown point. She didn’t talk around me, or about me like the other unknown voices did, but she spoke to me. I couldn’t make out most of her words, but I could tell they were sweet and encouraging. There was a hint of sorrow in her voice as she apologized, but I couldn’t understand why this unknown woman would do something like that.
My chest tore a little more, and I slipped back deeper, away from the pain.
Darkness prevailed. Up, down, day, night; I didn’t know any of those. But I did know I was safe. The pain, the loneliness, the worthlessness; it was all unable to touch me in my own black world.
Nathan didn’t want me.
I rose again, something was pulling me. Not a voice. I couldn’t quite tell, but it pulled me from the darkness, calling out to me. I could hear the beating.
Ba-bump. Ba-bump. Ba-bump.
No voices, no sounds, just the beating, calling to me, pulling at me.
There was nothing but the darkness and the beating. And it was constant, unrelenting.
Ba-bump. Ba-bump. Ba-bump.
Nathan?
It drew me closer to the surface, and I heard the voices again. They spoke medical terminology—gibberish to my ears.
Ba-bump. Ba-bump. Ba-bump.
It was so close. There in the darkness. He was so close.
I began to shake, fighting against his call. I knew it was him, only he pulled at me. He wasn’t in the room, but he was close.
The unknown voices were still speaking, but I didn’t understand them. I only heard him.
Ba-bump. Ba-bump. Ba-bump.
“…ven Palmer.”
One of the voices broke through, calling out the name of the man who helped to conceive me but would never be my father.
All sound stopped. A ringing filled my ears along with the voice.
“Emergency contact. This paperwork is about thirteen years old, but it does say next of kin. Perhaps we should call him? He would want to know about his daughter’s condition.”
No. No. No. Please. You can’t call him. Don’t. No!
I thought I had been screaming in my head, but before me were two wide eyed doctors, staring at me in shock.
I began to scream, begging them not to call him, thrashing in the bed, tears streaming down my face as I yanked on the tubes in my arms in an attempt to flee.
“What the hell is going on in here?” I heard Dr. Morgenson’s voice ring out through my screaming. “Lila. Lila. Calm down!” He called out to me, his hands stroking at my hair.
“Please, please, Dr. Morgenson, don’t let them call him. Please. He doesn’t want me. No one wants me,” I cried. “I can’t listen to him tell me again that he hates me.”
I trusted Dr. Morgenson. He knew my past; he had worked with me before and knew I had no one. That turning to my former family would be worse than death to me.
“Shh, no one is calling anyone, Lila. It’s just you and me here now. You need to calm down before you make me give you a sedative, which I really don’t want to do.” His voice was soothing.
I made my body relax back into the bed, but my breathing was still labored, tears streaming out of my eyes uninhibited. It was then that everything came crashing down on me. The pain in my chest seared like a red hot poker. I stared up at the ceiling in an attempt to calm myself, but it didn’t help. A sob ripped through my body, and I turned to the side, my body curling in on itself as sob after sob poured out.
“Not enough. I’m not enough. Not strong enough. Now…I’m nothing. Nothing. Just like they always said.”
“Lila, I need you to focus on me now, can you do that?” Dr. Morgenson asked.
I turned my head to look at him. He was blurry through the tears, but I could make out his black hair and the look of concern on his face.
“How do you feel?”
“L-like there’s a h-hole in my chest. It h-hurts so much,” I stammered, gasping for air.
“Breathe, Lila. You need to calm down. Take a deep breath,” he instructed.
I complied as best I could. It was difficult with all the things I was suddenly feeling.
There was a pinch on my arm and coldness slipping up my veins and then nothing. I ceased to be. The blackness took me. Thank God…
When I came to, an unknown amount of time later, Dr. Morgenson was there, waiting for me and waiting to explain what was going to happen.
“Lila, I had to sedate you. Do you understand why I did it?”
Yes, I knew why, but I couldn’t bring myself to speak. It hurt too much, so I resorted to basic communication through facial expressions and head movements. I nodded and closed my eyes. I didn’t want to see the disappointment in his eyes. Not his too. I would listen to anything he had to say, but I couldn’t bear to see that look.
One of the things I loved about my doctor was how perceptive he was and how he seemed to believe in me. If it wasn’t for him in the past, I wouldn’t have made it. And here he was again, bandaging me up so I could pretend to exist enough until…what? Until I decided I was done. Until I left and found something better or…
“Here’s the plan. I’m giving you a new prescription. You’re going to take it exactly as I prescribe it. And if you’re still having insomnia you need to start taking the sleeping pills in conjunction. You will go to bed at ten p.m. each night. You will get up at six and shower, get dressed, eat something and go to work. I want to see you every Friday after work at six p.m. No drinking, no bars. Friends are allowed to see you, but only if they’re supportive of you and don’t interfere with your therapy.”
