“What did you say?”
“I’m nothing. Drew leaving me proved them right. I’m nothing special. Plain, boring, pitiful, ugly Lila. Worthless.”
“You shut that shit up right now!” I seethed as I squatted down in front of her. I’d hoped punching the wall would do more to calm me, but seeing how badly she looked at herself infuriated me. “You are beautiful, intelligent, witty, sarcastic, fun as hell to tease, and so fucking sexy I have trouble keeping my hands off you. You make it so hard to stay away… I want you so much. I’ve tried so hard, but you keep fucking drawing me in.”
She blinked up at me. “Then why? Why can’t we…”
I shook my head. “Because I can’t. I can’t love you. I can’t allow myself to pursue you, Lila. A beautiful woman like you shouldn’t waste your time on me.”
“But, you said I wasn’t ‘that pretty.’”
I jumped back up and wished I had something to throw. “Shit. I was being a sarcastic asshole and was going to tell you I was joking, but you fucking threw me with your response. I’m used to women arguing against me, but you agreed. That shit is fucked up.” I began to pace, jaw ticking as I tugged at my hair.
I was telling her things I never wanted her to know, but I couldn’t stand seeing her so beaten down. She was everything I said and more, but we could never be more.
“Do you want to know what I think?” she asked as she braced herself against the wall to stand up.
“No. It doesn’t matter.”
“It doesn’t matter that I want you?”
I squeezed my eyes tight. “Please don’t.”
I resorted to begging her to stop, because the beast prowled in his cage, desperate to get out, to take her, claim her and bind her to me.
Lila was still drunk, and I was thankful for her pause, but I knew she wasn’t done. She was going to decimate me, destroy my resistance.
“We can’t…be?”
“Be? Be, how?”
“Like we have been?”
I pushed the heel of my palm against my eyes. “You don’t really want that with me.”
It was a bad idea to give her an opening, to not shut her down once and for all.
“What if I do?”
“Drop it, Lila.” I couldn’t fucking talk about it anymore. We’d gone far past anything I could handle and entered into territory I couldn’t allow, and somehow she’d almost convinced me that it was possible. That there could be more between us.
“Well, goodnight, then,” she said as she turned toward the door.
I stared at her for a second before spinning her around. “Where the fuck do you think you’re going?”
“Home.”
“Oh, no. I’m not letting you out of my sight, drunkie.”
It was to make sure she was okay. That was the lie I told myself to assuage the irresponsible motive of keeping her beside me. Slipping my hand in hers, I led her through my condo and into the master bedroom. With my hands on her hips, I directed her to sit on the edge of the bed. I began unzipping her boots, trying to get them off when I felt the warm, tingling sensation of her fingers sweep through my hair.
“So silky,” she murmured.
My eyes closed, and I leaned into her touch, but then pulled away. She was doing it, drawing me in. I couldn’t fall, couldn’t get involved with her any more than I already was. Her small petting only reminded me of how starved I was for affection, how much I wanted it.
Once her boots were off, I lifted her to standing, then worked at getting her skirt off.
“You do know I’m not so drunk that I can’t walk or undress myself, right?” she said with a small giggle.
“Shut up and get in the bed, Delilah,” I commanded. Once she was settled, snuggled into the blanket, I pulled my shirt off and slid under the covers and against her back.
It’d been years since I last slept with someone, but there was no way I was going to let her out of my sight. The warmth of her skin soaked into mine and relaxed me.
How had I forgotten the simple bliss of human contact?
Halfway through the night I awoke, hard, my hips grinding against Lila’s soft ass. It was softer, intimate, but still laced with the intensity that drove our attraction.
When I woke a few hours after that, it was to the sound of crying. I glanced around, trying to find the source as the bed was empty, and found Lila on the floor ten feet away, her arms wrapped around her.
“Lila?” I asked as I jumped out of bed. I looked around, trying to find a reason when a sob broke from her, tearing at me. “Lila?”
I dropped down in front of her, and she flung her arms around my neck. I wrapped my arms around her and pulling her close, my head in the crook of her neck.
“What happened? What happened to you?” she asked.
It clicked, the reason for her outburst. She saw what I kept hidden from everyone—my scars. The evidence that I was a dead man walking, that my heart shouldn’t have been beating.
I tensed, the action pulled her closer, almost using her as an anchor to keep me from crumbling.
“Please, don’t ask me that. Please… I can’t…”
I can’t tell you about what I lost, about why I am the way I am, about why you need to stay away.
The beast growled, but in pain instead of anger, crying out.
I kept her securely wrapped in my arms, keeping her from looking at them again, until her tears subsided. It was a reaction I wasn’t used to from women. Most who caught a glimpse were a mixture of curious, disgusted, and full of a pity I couldn’t stand.
Lila continued to confuse and surprise me. More so when she studied them further, her fingers reaching out to trace the large raised scar that wound around my hip.
I stared at her, completely confounded by her reaction. Leaning down, I caught her bottom lip between my teeth, drawing her attention away from my monstrous appearance.
Her eyes were a strange, beautiful gray and green mixture, and even in the darkness, gave so much away. There was more there, emotions I couldn’t handle, ones that had the power to burn us alive.
“Push me away. You have to.”
“No.”
“Push me away!”
“I can’t!”
Her tears returned, and I rested my forehead against hers. “Why? Tell me why…say it.”
“I’m nothing. Drew leaving me proved them right. I’m nothing special. Plain, boring, pitiful, ugly Lila. Worthless.”
“You shut that shit up right now!” I seethed as I squatted down in front of her. I’d hoped punching the wall would do more to calm me, but seeing how badly she looked at herself infuriated me. “You are beautiful, intelligent, witty, sarcastic, fun as hell to tease, and so fucking sexy I have trouble keeping my hands off you. You make it so hard to stay away… I want you so much. I’ve tried so hard, but you keep fucking drawing me in.”
She blinked up at me. “Then why? Why can’t we…”
I shook my head. “Because I can’t. I can’t love you. I can’t allow myself to pursue you, Lila. A beautiful woman like you shouldn’t waste your time on me.”
“But, you said I wasn’t ‘that pretty.’”
I jumped back up and wished I had something to throw. “Shit. I was being a sarcastic asshole and was going to tell you I was joking, but you fucking threw me with your response. I’m used to women arguing against me, but you agreed. That shit is fucked up.” I began to pace, jaw ticking as I tugged at my hair.
I was telling her things I never wanted her to know, but I couldn’t stand seeing her so beaten down. She was everything I said and more, but we could never be more.
“Do you want to know what I think?” she asked as she braced herself against the wall to stand up.
“No. It doesn’t matter.”
“It doesn’t matter that I want you?”
I squeezed my eyes tight. “Please don’t.”
I resorted to begging her to stop, because the beast prowled in his cage, desperate to get out, to take her, claim her and bind her to me.
Lila was still drunk, and I was thankful for her pause, but I knew she wasn’t done. She was going to decimate me, destroy my resistance.
“We can’t…be?”
“Be? Be, how?”
“Like we have been?”
I pushed the heel of my palm against my eyes. “You don’t really want that with me.”
It was a bad idea to give her an opening, to not shut her down once and for all.
“What if I do?”
“Drop it, Lila.” I couldn’t fucking talk about it anymore. We’d gone far past anything I could handle and entered into territory I couldn’t allow, and somehow she’d almost convinced me that it was possible. That there could be more between us.
“Well, goodnight, then,” she said as she turned toward the door.
I stared at her for a second before spinning her around. “Where the fuck do you think you’re going?”
“Home.”
“Oh, no. I’m not letting you out of my sight, drunkie.”
It was to make sure she was okay. That was the lie I told myself to assuage the irresponsible motive of keeping her beside me. Slipping my hand in hers, I led her through my condo and into the master bedroom. With my hands on her hips, I directed her to sit on the edge of the bed. I began unzipping her boots, trying to get them off when I felt the warm, tingling sensation of her fingers sweep through my hair.
“So silky,” she murmured.
My eyes closed, and I leaned into her touch, but then pulled away. She was doing it, drawing me in. I couldn’t fall, couldn’t get involved with her any more than I already was. Her small petting only reminded me of how starved I was for affection, how much I wanted it.
Once her boots were off, I lifted her to standing, then worked at getting her skirt off.
“You do know I’m not so drunk that I can’t walk or undress myself, right?” she said with a small giggle.
“Shut up and get in the bed, Delilah,” I commanded. Once she was settled, snuggled into the blanket, I pulled my shirt off and slid under the covers and against her back.
It’d been years since I last slept with someone, but there was no way I was going to let her out of my sight. The warmth of her skin soaked into mine and relaxed me.
How had I forgotten the simple bliss of human contact?
Halfway through the night I awoke, hard, my hips grinding against Lila’s soft ass. It was softer, intimate, but still laced with the intensity that drove our attraction.
When I woke a few hours after that, it was to the sound of crying. I glanced around, trying to find the source as the bed was empty, and found Lila on the floor ten feet away, her arms wrapped around her.
“Lila?” I asked as I jumped out of bed. I looked around, trying to find a reason when a sob broke from her, tearing at me. “Lila?”
I dropped down in front of her, and she flung her arms around my neck. I wrapped my arms around her and pulling her close, my head in the crook of her neck.
“What happened? What happened to you?” she asked.
It clicked, the reason for her outburst. She saw what I kept hidden from everyone—my scars. The evidence that I was a dead man walking, that my heart shouldn’t have been beating.
I tensed, the action pulled her closer, almost using her as an anchor to keep me from crumbling.
“Please, don’t ask me that. Please… I can’t…”
I can’t tell you about what I lost, about why I am the way I am, about why you need to stay away.
The beast growled, but in pain instead of anger, crying out.
I kept her securely wrapped in my arms, keeping her from looking at them again, until her tears subsided. It was a reaction I wasn’t used to from women. Most who caught a glimpse were a mixture of curious, disgusted, and full of a pity I couldn’t stand.
Lila continued to confuse and surprise me. More so when she studied them further, her fingers reaching out to trace the large raised scar that wound around my hip.
I stared at her, completely confounded by her reaction. Leaning down, I caught her bottom lip between my teeth, drawing her attention away from my monstrous appearance.
Her eyes were a strange, beautiful gray and green mixture, and even in the darkness, gave so much away. There was more there, emotions I couldn’t handle, ones that had the power to burn us alive.
“Push me away. You have to.”
“No.”
“Push me away!”
“I can’t!”
Her tears returned, and I rested my forehead against hers. “Why? Tell me why…say it.”
