‘He sputtered, “Art?” and asked me what I was going to do with such a worthless degree.’
My mouth fell open.
‘Right? I wanted to punch him right in his handsome, arrogant face. Instead, I told him I was going to make the world more beautiful – duh! I let him know how unimpressed I was that all he was going to do was ‘make money’. I stomped back upstairs, spitting nails and determined to never look at one of my father’s students again, no matter how cute he was. I even forgot to take my sandwich with me.’
The rest of the story was familiar: an impulsive invitation – passed through Charles in a chance meeting – to her very first gallery showing. Her best friend, Cindy, was there for support, in case Raymond Maxfield was insufferable. But my father was the opposite of insufferable. Appraising her work, he was awed. My mother always pouted that it was actually her paintings and not her charm, her beauty or her sass that made him fall in love with her.
He’d always insisted that it was definitely her sass.
I knew the truth. He fell for all those things, and when she died, it was like someone had extinguished the sun, and he had nothing left to orbit.
LUCAS
Hours after I came home from the club Saturday night, I still couldn’t stop thinking about holding Jacqueline – how she’d fitted against me, bracketed by my arms. Her eyes, dusk blue in the smoke-thick club. Her nervous swallows. Her stuttered questions. As if everyone else had disappeared the moment I pulled her close, I didn’t smell the mixture of sweat and cologne from the crush of bodies around us – just her sweet scent. I could no longer hear the music, shouts or laughter. I was only aware of the beat, pounding vigorously, like the blood tearing an endless loop through my body.
Once home, I lay in bed and stared unseeingly towards the ceiling as my imagination ran rampant. I pictured her stretched out on top of me, knees astride, her body meeting my measured thrusts, her mouth open to the stroke of my tongue. My hands kneaded my thighs and every nerve in my body blazed. I felt her soft, bare skin. Her silky hair brushing the sides of my face. Her complete trust.
I pulled a pillow over my face and groaned, knowing anything I did now to relieve the building pressure would be a goddamned inferior rendering of what I really wanted. I could not have her, for so many reasons. She was off-limits, as a student in my class – which she didn’t know. She was emerging from a breakup after a three-year-long relationship. I was the witness to a humiliation no one should have to bear, and she was afraid of me.
But maybe a little less so, now, my mind murmured.
I couldn’t contain the thrill that shot through me, so I let it run its course.
Then I stamped it out and gave myself that second-rate release so I could get some sleep.
Sunday night, Joseph and I met up at a bar in the warehouse district to see a fledging alternative band from Dallas that we both liked. Though I’d barely slept the night before and had put in two hours of training at the dojang that afternoon, I was both wired and weirdly contemplative – two things I can usually dispense with in one good sparring session.
Master Leu had agreed to spar with me, since no one else was there, which had kicked my ass. For a smallish guy, he was the biggest badass I’d ever met. At a training expo, I’d watched him – in two moves – put a larger but equivalently trained opponent in a chokehold that could cause a real-life adversary to pass out. Or could crush his trachea.
Jacqueline’s attacker had no idea how lucky he was that I was still a few levels away from being allowed to learn that move.
‘Dude, you are not in Kansas any more.’ Joseph’s voice broke through my reverie.
I smirked. ‘I’ve never been to Kansas, actually.’
He shook his head. ‘What – or who – are you thinking about? Never seen you so distracted. I’ve asked you three times if you’re going home for Thanksgiving and you haven’t so much as purposefully ignored me. You just aren’t hearing anything.’
Shaking my head, I sighed. ‘Sorry, man. Yeah, I’m going home. You?’
He shook his head and tossed back the rest of the tequila shot he’d been sipping. ‘Going home with Elliott. His mom loves me.’ His lips twisted as he leaned an elbow on the bar and looked at me. ‘Mine – does not.’
Joseph had dropped hints about his family’s rejection before, but he’d never stated it outright. I didn’t know what to say.
‘So … you’re not welcome to bring Elliott home with you?’
‘No, man. I’m not welcome home, period. It’s a no fags allowed zone.’
‘Jesus. That sucks.’
He shrugged. ‘Is what it is. Elliott’s family is more than fine with us being a couple – his mom makes up a guest room for us that would rival any bed-and-breakfast, but they’ve had to deal with him bringing home a blue-collar guy. They’re all educated and shit – whole family. His little sister is in f**king med school. The first time I met them, all he’d told them was where I worked. Imagine their surprise when they found out I keep the campus plumbing in order instead of teaching history or math or, you know, women’s studies.’ He laughed. ‘I can’t catch a break, man. I’m too g*y to be redneck and too redneck to be g*y.’
Whatever my dad thought about me, whatever I did to piss him off – even purposefully, he’d never told me I was unwelcome to come home. I knew without thinking about it that I could move home right now if I wanted to. I wouldn’t. But I could.
The band took the stage, and Joseph and I enjoyed sound that was neither pop or musical theatre, a few drinks, and more than a few attentive glances from girls.
‘Yep,’ he said, angling a brow at a boisterous trio of coeds who kept looking our way. Hands behind his neck, he popped his guns from the sleeves of his white T-shirt. ‘I still got it, even if I don’t want it.’
Chuckling, I shook my head and signalled the bartender for one more round. I never picked up a girl when I was with Joseph, but I knew the ground had shifted beneath my feet when I found myself not even the slightest bit curious whether any of those girls were cute. There was only one possible reason for that disinterest.
I couldn’t stop thinking about how to get Jacqueline Wallace back into the circle of my arms, come hell or high water. I was all too familiar with both.
Monday morning, I was nursing a slight hangover and a dampened outlook. Every time I saw Charles, I felt guilty. Every time I thought of Jacqueline, I felt more so. She hadn’t emailed me over the weekend. I had what felt like a premonition about her figuring out that I was Landon, and told myself, again, that I had to put a stop to this. Now.
My mouth fell open.
‘Right? I wanted to punch him right in his handsome, arrogant face. Instead, I told him I was going to make the world more beautiful – duh! I let him know how unimpressed I was that all he was going to do was ‘make money’. I stomped back upstairs, spitting nails and determined to never look at one of my father’s students again, no matter how cute he was. I even forgot to take my sandwich with me.’
The rest of the story was familiar: an impulsive invitation – passed through Charles in a chance meeting – to her very first gallery showing. Her best friend, Cindy, was there for support, in case Raymond Maxfield was insufferable. But my father was the opposite of insufferable. Appraising her work, he was awed. My mother always pouted that it was actually her paintings and not her charm, her beauty or her sass that made him fall in love with her.
He’d always insisted that it was definitely her sass.
I knew the truth. He fell for all those things, and when she died, it was like someone had extinguished the sun, and he had nothing left to orbit.
LUCAS
Hours after I came home from the club Saturday night, I still couldn’t stop thinking about holding Jacqueline – how she’d fitted against me, bracketed by my arms. Her eyes, dusk blue in the smoke-thick club. Her nervous swallows. Her stuttered questions. As if everyone else had disappeared the moment I pulled her close, I didn’t smell the mixture of sweat and cologne from the crush of bodies around us – just her sweet scent. I could no longer hear the music, shouts or laughter. I was only aware of the beat, pounding vigorously, like the blood tearing an endless loop through my body.
Once home, I lay in bed and stared unseeingly towards the ceiling as my imagination ran rampant. I pictured her stretched out on top of me, knees astride, her body meeting my measured thrusts, her mouth open to the stroke of my tongue. My hands kneaded my thighs and every nerve in my body blazed. I felt her soft, bare skin. Her silky hair brushing the sides of my face. Her complete trust.
I pulled a pillow over my face and groaned, knowing anything I did now to relieve the building pressure would be a goddamned inferior rendering of what I really wanted. I could not have her, for so many reasons. She was off-limits, as a student in my class – which she didn’t know. She was emerging from a breakup after a three-year-long relationship. I was the witness to a humiliation no one should have to bear, and she was afraid of me.
But maybe a little less so, now, my mind murmured.
I couldn’t contain the thrill that shot through me, so I let it run its course.
Then I stamped it out and gave myself that second-rate release so I could get some sleep.
Sunday night, Joseph and I met up at a bar in the warehouse district to see a fledging alternative band from Dallas that we both liked. Though I’d barely slept the night before and had put in two hours of training at the dojang that afternoon, I was both wired and weirdly contemplative – two things I can usually dispense with in one good sparring session.
Master Leu had agreed to spar with me, since no one else was there, which had kicked my ass. For a smallish guy, he was the biggest badass I’d ever met. At a training expo, I’d watched him – in two moves – put a larger but equivalently trained opponent in a chokehold that could cause a real-life adversary to pass out. Or could crush his trachea.
Jacqueline’s attacker had no idea how lucky he was that I was still a few levels away from being allowed to learn that move.
‘Dude, you are not in Kansas any more.’ Joseph’s voice broke through my reverie.
I smirked. ‘I’ve never been to Kansas, actually.’
He shook his head. ‘What – or who – are you thinking about? Never seen you so distracted. I’ve asked you three times if you’re going home for Thanksgiving and you haven’t so much as purposefully ignored me. You just aren’t hearing anything.’
Shaking my head, I sighed. ‘Sorry, man. Yeah, I’m going home. You?’
He shook his head and tossed back the rest of the tequila shot he’d been sipping. ‘Going home with Elliott. His mom loves me.’ His lips twisted as he leaned an elbow on the bar and looked at me. ‘Mine – does not.’
Joseph had dropped hints about his family’s rejection before, but he’d never stated it outright. I didn’t know what to say.
‘So … you’re not welcome to bring Elliott home with you?’
‘No, man. I’m not welcome home, period. It’s a no fags allowed zone.’
‘Jesus. That sucks.’
He shrugged. ‘Is what it is. Elliott’s family is more than fine with us being a couple – his mom makes up a guest room for us that would rival any bed-and-breakfast, but they’ve had to deal with him bringing home a blue-collar guy. They’re all educated and shit – whole family. His little sister is in f**king med school. The first time I met them, all he’d told them was where I worked. Imagine their surprise when they found out I keep the campus plumbing in order instead of teaching history or math or, you know, women’s studies.’ He laughed. ‘I can’t catch a break, man. I’m too g*y to be redneck and too redneck to be g*y.’
Whatever my dad thought about me, whatever I did to piss him off – even purposefully, he’d never told me I was unwelcome to come home. I knew without thinking about it that I could move home right now if I wanted to. I wouldn’t. But I could.
The band took the stage, and Joseph and I enjoyed sound that was neither pop or musical theatre, a few drinks, and more than a few attentive glances from girls.
‘Yep,’ he said, angling a brow at a boisterous trio of coeds who kept looking our way. Hands behind his neck, he popped his guns from the sleeves of his white T-shirt. ‘I still got it, even if I don’t want it.’
Chuckling, I shook my head and signalled the bartender for one more round. I never picked up a girl when I was with Joseph, but I knew the ground had shifted beneath my feet when I found myself not even the slightest bit curious whether any of those girls were cute. There was only one possible reason for that disinterest.
I couldn’t stop thinking about how to get Jacqueline Wallace back into the circle of my arms, come hell or high water. I was all too familiar with both.
Monday morning, I was nursing a slight hangover and a dampened outlook. Every time I saw Charles, I felt guilty. Every time I thought of Jacqueline, I felt more so. She hadn’t emailed me over the weekend. I had what felt like a premonition about her figuring out that I was Landon, and told myself, again, that I had to put a stop to this. Now.
