‘Oh, God. Stop,’ I said.
‘See what I did there?’ he asked, unrepentant.
LUCAS
‘You already knew, didn’t you?’ I couldn’t look at her.
‘Yes.’
I wanted to know how long she’d known and how she found out, but neither of those things were important. I made myself face her anger. ‘Why didn’t you say anything?’
‘Why didn’t you?’
I couldn’t blame her. I couldn’t answer her.
She wanted to know how it was that I went by two names.
‘Landon is my first name, Lucas the middle. I go by Lucas … now. But Charles – Dr Heller – has known me a long time. He still calls me Landon.’ My throat narrowed when I searched for the words to explain why I’d made that change, so I said nothing. The fact remained that I could have told her and hadn’t.
‘You lied to me.’ Her eyes snapped blue fire.
I stepped off the bike and took hold of her shoulders, desperate to make her see that I’d never meant to hurt her. I insisted I’d never called myself Landon – that was her assumption, but Jesus Christ if that wasn’t the most spineless excuse I’d ever voiced. I had known all along what she believed to be true, and I hadn’t corrected her perceptions.
She shrugged out of my grasp and I looked into her eyes. The betrayal there sliced me open. I had to let her go.
‘You’re right, this was my fault. And I’m sorry.’ My hands shook and I knotted them at my sides. I steeled myself and took a breath. ‘I wanted you, and this couldn’t happen as Landon. Anything between us is against the rules, and I broke them.’
I had to make this right with Charles – first and foremost, for the inviolability of her grade. She’d done the work, and I couldn’t let her be punished for my deception. My desire to restore the trust of the man who’d been my saviour in my darkest hours was secondary. I couldn’t consider, now, what I would do if I’d lost that trust entirely.
‘So it’s just over,’ she said, and I came back to myself.
‘Yes,’ I answered, bleeding out at her feet. My ears were ringing. I knew I’d spoken the word, but I couldn’t hear it.
She did.
She turned and went inside, and when she’d disappeared, I went home to face the consequences of what I’d done.
I wanted you … I wanted you … I wanted you. I heard the refrain of my words all the way, like a vinyl track with a scratch, repeating. And then hers: It’s just over … over … over.
It was nearly one a.m. when I slipped through the back door. Heller sat at the kitchen table with a cup of tea, his gradebook and Jacqueline’s paper. The only light came from the stovetop and the small lamp over the table. The rest of the house was silent.
I took a seat across from him and waited. In all the times I’d cooled my heels across a desk from a frustrated teacher or my small-minded principal, I’d never felt this bone-deep remorse, or this exhaustive disappointment with myself.
As soon as I was seated, he asked, ‘Did you assist her in producing this paper?’
I shook my head. ‘I offered her research sources, and I checked her conclusions and citations. But she wrote the paper.’
‘Same as you would have done for anyone I’d assigned this project to.’
I sighed. ‘Yes, but –’
‘Son, let me help you unhook yourself where I can.’ He grimaced, our eyes connecting. ‘If I’d assigned this paper to another student in the class, would you have given that student the same help?’
I nodded. ‘Yes.’
‘Did she ask you for additional advantage or any kind of grade revision because you two were … involved?’ His eyes didn’t leave mine.
I licked my lip, and sucked the ring into my mouth. ‘She … didn’t know I was the class tutor.’
His frown intensified and he squinted, confused.
‘I met Jacqueline outside of class, before you assigned her the make-up work and gave her my email address. She knew me as Lucas, but you called me Landon. I never met her in person as her tutor – we conducted all of that through email, because our schedules didn’t work for meeting up.’
He quirked a brow and my face heated.
‘Um, during regular, daytime hours.’
‘So you didn’t know, until I asked you to assist her with catching up, that she was in the class –’
‘I knew.’
He sighed. ‘She thought you were in the class – but didn’t know you were the tutor.’
I nodded.
He pulled off his glasses and closed his eyes, heaving a sigh. ‘So you conducted this entire dual – relationship – lying to her about who you were. And she didn’t know until tonight.’
‘Right.’ I swallowed, but the guilt didn’t go down easily. I hadn’t intended to lie additionally tonight, but this lie protected Jacqueline. I didn’t know why she hadn’t confronted me once she knew or suspected. I didn’t even know how long she’d known. But it wouldn’t look good that she’d known and continued the relationship.
I had no choice but to protect her – doing so had become a necessity, like breathing.
‘Landon –’ he waved a hand and corrected himself – ‘Lucas – why?’
How many times had I asked myself this question? ‘At first, it was because she was afraid of me – as Lucas. But not as Landon. Through email, she took me as you’d presented me – a knowledgeable upperclassman who would help her catch up in class. She was funny, and smart, and as Landon, I didn’t …’ I frowned at my hands. ‘I didn’t scare her.’
He cleared his throat. ‘Not to disaffirm your feelings … but she didn’t look all that frightened of you a few minutes ago.’
My lips pinned into a flat line.
‘Is there anything else you’d like to confess, before I decide what to do about this?’
Shit, I thought, as one more indiscretion popped into my head. ‘The quiz – I didn’t tell her about it, per se … but I may have hinted that you were giving one.’
He covered his eyes with his hand and sighed. ‘All right. I’ll speak with her Monday –’
‘Charles.’ I leaned into the table, clasping my hands in front of me like a supplicant. ‘This is my fault. All of it. She did nothing out of line – she’s worked hard to catch up. She wrote that paper unaided, as you wanted. If she’d have had a problem doing it, I might have been tempted to cross a line to help her. But that wasn’t the case. Please don’t penalize her for my bad judgement.’
‘See what I did there?’ he asked, unrepentant.
LUCAS
‘You already knew, didn’t you?’ I couldn’t look at her.
‘Yes.’
I wanted to know how long she’d known and how she found out, but neither of those things were important. I made myself face her anger. ‘Why didn’t you say anything?’
‘Why didn’t you?’
I couldn’t blame her. I couldn’t answer her.
She wanted to know how it was that I went by two names.
‘Landon is my first name, Lucas the middle. I go by Lucas … now. But Charles – Dr Heller – has known me a long time. He still calls me Landon.’ My throat narrowed when I searched for the words to explain why I’d made that change, so I said nothing. The fact remained that I could have told her and hadn’t.
‘You lied to me.’ Her eyes snapped blue fire.
I stepped off the bike and took hold of her shoulders, desperate to make her see that I’d never meant to hurt her. I insisted I’d never called myself Landon – that was her assumption, but Jesus Christ if that wasn’t the most spineless excuse I’d ever voiced. I had known all along what she believed to be true, and I hadn’t corrected her perceptions.
She shrugged out of my grasp and I looked into her eyes. The betrayal there sliced me open. I had to let her go.
‘You’re right, this was my fault. And I’m sorry.’ My hands shook and I knotted them at my sides. I steeled myself and took a breath. ‘I wanted you, and this couldn’t happen as Landon. Anything between us is against the rules, and I broke them.’
I had to make this right with Charles – first and foremost, for the inviolability of her grade. She’d done the work, and I couldn’t let her be punished for my deception. My desire to restore the trust of the man who’d been my saviour in my darkest hours was secondary. I couldn’t consider, now, what I would do if I’d lost that trust entirely.
‘So it’s just over,’ she said, and I came back to myself.
‘Yes,’ I answered, bleeding out at her feet. My ears were ringing. I knew I’d spoken the word, but I couldn’t hear it.
She did.
She turned and went inside, and when she’d disappeared, I went home to face the consequences of what I’d done.
I wanted you … I wanted you … I wanted you. I heard the refrain of my words all the way, like a vinyl track with a scratch, repeating. And then hers: It’s just over … over … over.
It was nearly one a.m. when I slipped through the back door. Heller sat at the kitchen table with a cup of tea, his gradebook and Jacqueline’s paper. The only light came from the stovetop and the small lamp over the table. The rest of the house was silent.
I took a seat across from him and waited. In all the times I’d cooled my heels across a desk from a frustrated teacher or my small-minded principal, I’d never felt this bone-deep remorse, or this exhaustive disappointment with myself.
As soon as I was seated, he asked, ‘Did you assist her in producing this paper?’
I shook my head. ‘I offered her research sources, and I checked her conclusions and citations. But she wrote the paper.’
‘Same as you would have done for anyone I’d assigned this project to.’
I sighed. ‘Yes, but –’
‘Son, let me help you unhook yourself where I can.’ He grimaced, our eyes connecting. ‘If I’d assigned this paper to another student in the class, would you have given that student the same help?’
I nodded. ‘Yes.’
‘Did she ask you for additional advantage or any kind of grade revision because you two were … involved?’ His eyes didn’t leave mine.
I licked my lip, and sucked the ring into my mouth. ‘She … didn’t know I was the class tutor.’
His frown intensified and he squinted, confused.
‘I met Jacqueline outside of class, before you assigned her the make-up work and gave her my email address. She knew me as Lucas, but you called me Landon. I never met her in person as her tutor – we conducted all of that through email, because our schedules didn’t work for meeting up.’
He quirked a brow and my face heated.
‘Um, during regular, daytime hours.’
‘So you didn’t know, until I asked you to assist her with catching up, that she was in the class –’
‘I knew.’
He sighed. ‘She thought you were in the class – but didn’t know you were the tutor.’
I nodded.
He pulled off his glasses and closed his eyes, heaving a sigh. ‘So you conducted this entire dual – relationship – lying to her about who you were. And she didn’t know until tonight.’
‘Right.’ I swallowed, but the guilt didn’t go down easily. I hadn’t intended to lie additionally tonight, but this lie protected Jacqueline. I didn’t know why she hadn’t confronted me once she knew or suspected. I didn’t even know how long she’d known. But it wouldn’t look good that she’d known and continued the relationship.
I had no choice but to protect her – doing so had become a necessity, like breathing.
‘Landon –’ he waved a hand and corrected himself – ‘Lucas – why?’
How many times had I asked myself this question? ‘At first, it was because she was afraid of me – as Lucas. But not as Landon. Through email, she took me as you’d presented me – a knowledgeable upperclassman who would help her catch up in class. She was funny, and smart, and as Landon, I didn’t …’ I frowned at my hands. ‘I didn’t scare her.’
He cleared his throat. ‘Not to disaffirm your feelings … but she didn’t look all that frightened of you a few minutes ago.’
My lips pinned into a flat line.
‘Is there anything else you’d like to confess, before I decide what to do about this?’
Shit, I thought, as one more indiscretion popped into my head. ‘The quiz – I didn’t tell her about it, per se … but I may have hinted that you were giving one.’
He covered his eyes with his hand and sighed. ‘All right. I’ll speak with her Monday –’
‘Charles.’ I leaned into the table, clasping my hands in front of me like a supplicant. ‘This is my fault. All of it. She did nothing out of line – she’s worked hard to catch up. She wrote that paper unaided, as you wanted. If she’d have had a problem doing it, I might have been tempted to cross a line to help her. But that wasn’t the case. Please don’t penalize her for my bad judgement.’
