Brighter Than the Sun
Page 49
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“Sister, if you beat up on yourself any harder, you’re going to have bruises tomorrow,” Rusty said as she plopped onto the bed beside her.
“I’m an idiot, Rusty.”
To her horror, a fresh torrent of tears welled in her eyes as she spoke.
Rusty wrapped both arms around her and hugged her fiercely. Zoe held on to her as tears slid soundlessly down her cheeks.
“I’m so stupid,” she whispered. “I wanted—want—what I can’t have so badly it hurts.”
Rusty pushed away from her and stared hard, her features drawn into a fierce expression. “Why on earth would you say a dumb thing like that? Do you think he’s better than you, Zoe? Do you think this family is better than you? That I’m better than you? For fuck’s sake, listen to yourself. You know what I came from. The things I did. The things I had to do. How is that worse than your situation? You’ve done nothing except be born to the wrong people, and if that’s a crime, then lock me and a hell of a lot of other people up right now and throw away the damn keys.”
“My entire life—identity—is a complete lie,” Zoe said earnestly. “I’ve lied to your entire family. To Joe. Do you honestly think he’d just shrug and say oh well if he knew that everything he knows about me, that everything I’ve told him, is nothing but a fabrication? I don’t even know who I am right now, so how can I expect someone else to want someone who doesn’t even exist?”
Rusty’s smile was soft and full of understanding and compassion. “Because that’s what love is all about. Love is what’s there in the absence of proof. Love doesn’t require evidence, and if it does, then it’s a fucked-up aberration of love, and personally I wouldn’t want anything to do with it. Besides, you didn’t lie about what matters. You’ve never lied about who you are today. Right now. Who you were when you stepped into this house. You’ve been the person you always were but was never allowed to be. How is that wrong? I’ll tell you what’s wrong. It’s the people who never allowed you to be anything except the person they wanted to make you into. That’s fucked-up, Zoe. You wanting to be free of all that shit, free to be your own person and above all free to be happy, is not fucked-up. It’s real, it’s good, it’s precious and it’s right. You’ll never persuade me differently. You’d never persuade a single person in this family any differently, and it damn sure wouldn’t change the way my brother looks at you. Don’t you get it yet? You’re loved, Zoe. You. Not the pretend Stella. Not the person you think you are. The real you. How much more real do you want to get?”
Zoe went quiet and then frowned as she processed Rusty’s impassioned statement. “You act like me lying about who and what I am to everyone in your family and especially Joe is no big deal.”
Rusty sighed. “It’s only a big deal because you’ve made it one, honey.”
Zoe stared at her friend in utter bewilderment. “What do you suggest I do then? Tell Joe the truth?”
She blurted the question that she’d been burning to ask, but she wasn’t prepared for Rusty’s calm, measured response.
“That’s exactly what I think you should do.”
“What? Are you insane? How does that solve anything? Do you think I want to involve anyone else in the mess that is my life? I don’t want him or anyone in your family to get hurt because of me,” she burst out.
“Honey, I am not demeaning your situation whatsoever when I say this, but after all I’ve told you about what my brothers do on an everyday basis, do you think this would even register as a blip on their radar? Do you think hiding for the rest of your life, having no friends, no family, no chance at love, is any real solution to the threat against you? They could help you,” Rusty said quietly. “They absolutely would help you. And isn’t that what you want? For the situation to be resolved so you can sleep at night without worrying if you’ll die the next day or never see the next day? Is this the way you want to continue?”
“Of course not,” Zoe said, a sob bubbling up from her chest.
She buried her face in her hands, wiping helplessly at the tears sliding down her cheeks.
Rusty’s arms went around her once more as the two women hugged in silence. Zoe buried her face in Rusty’s shoulder as her body shook with subdued sobs. Rusty stroked her hair, offering comfort and support as Zoe slowly pulled herself together. When the sobs quieted, Zoe pulled back, her hands shaking as she met Rusty’s earnest, sympathetic gaze.
“I don’t know what to do,” she admitted. “I’m so tired, Rusty. Being here with you and your family has been hell for me. The best sort of heaven and the worst kind of hell all at the same time, and it’s exhausting. It’s like being taunted with everything I ever wanted but can never have.”
“Answer me honestly,” Rusty said, pinning her with her gaze. “Do you care about Joe? Could you see yourself loving him? And don’t offer me reasons why you shouldn’t or reasons why you can’t. I’m only interested in hearing your honest, heartfelt response.”
For a moment, Zoe was paralyzed and unable to formulate a single word. Her lips felt numb and frozen. She closed her eyes and finally whispered what she’d desperately tried not to allow herself to feel but had failed miserably. “I already do love him.”
When she opened her eyes, Rusty was smiling at her through her own tears. She squeezed Zoe’s hands in hers as a single tear slipped down her cheek.
“I’m an idiot, Rusty.”
To her horror, a fresh torrent of tears welled in her eyes as she spoke.
Rusty wrapped both arms around her and hugged her fiercely. Zoe held on to her as tears slid soundlessly down her cheeks.
“I’m so stupid,” she whispered. “I wanted—want—what I can’t have so badly it hurts.”
Rusty pushed away from her and stared hard, her features drawn into a fierce expression. “Why on earth would you say a dumb thing like that? Do you think he’s better than you, Zoe? Do you think this family is better than you? That I’m better than you? For fuck’s sake, listen to yourself. You know what I came from. The things I did. The things I had to do. How is that worse than your situation? You’ve done nothing except be born to the wrong people, and if that’s a crime, then lock me and a hell of a lot of other people up right now and throw away the damn keys.”
“My entire life—identity—is a complete lie,” Zoe said earnestly. “I’ve lied to your entire family. To Joe. Do you honestly think he’d just shrug and say oh well if he knew that everything he knows about me, that everything I’ve told him, is nothing but a fabrication? I don’t even know who I am right now, so how can I expect someone else to want someone who doesn’t even exist?”
Rusty’s smile was soft and full of understanding and compassion. “Because that’s what love is all about. Love is what’s there in the absence of proof. Love doesn’t require evidence, and if it does, then it’s a fucked-up aberration of love, and personally I wouldn’t want anything to do with it. Besides, you didn’t lie about what matters. You’ve never lied about who you are today. Right now. Who you were when you stepped into this house. You’ve been the person you always were but was never allowed to be. How is that wrong? I’ll tell you what’s wrong. It’s the people who never allowed you to be anything except the person they wanted to make you into. That’s fucked-up, Zoe. You wanting to be free of all that shit, free to be your own person and above all free to be happy, is not fucked-up. It’s real, it’s good, it’s precious and it’s right. You’ll never persuade me differently. You’d never persuade a single person in this family any differently, and it damn sure wouldn’t change the way my brother looks at you. Don’t you get it yet? You’re loved, Zoe. You. Not the pretend Stella. Not the person you think you are. The real you. How much more real do you want to get?”
Zoe went quiet and then frowned as she processed Rusty’s impassioned statement. “You act like me lying about who and what I am to everyone in your family and especially Joe is no big deal.”
Rusty sighed. “It’s only a big deal because you’ve made it one, honey.”
Zoe stared at her friend in utter bewilderment. “What do you suggest I do then? Tell Joe the truth?”
She blurted the question that she’d been burning to ask, but she wasn’t prepared for Rusty’s calm, measured response.
“That’s exactly what I think you should do.”
“What? Are you insane? How does that solve anything? Do you think I want to involve anyone else in the mess that is my life? I don’t want him or anyone in your family to get hurt because of me,” she burst out.
“Honey, I am not demeaning your situation whatsoever when I say this, but after all I’ve told you about what my brothers do on an everyday basis, do you think this would even register as a blip on their radar? Do you think hiding for the rest of your life, having no friends, no family, no chance at love, is any real solution to the threat against you? They could help you,” Rusty said quietly. “They absolutely would help you. And isn’t that what you want? For the situation to be resolved so you can sleep at night without worrying if you’ll die the next day or never see the next day? Is this the way you want to continue?”
“Of course not,” Zoe said, a sob bubbling up from her chest.
She buried her face in her hands, wiping helplessly at the tears sliding down her cheeks.
Rusty’s arms went around her once more as the two women hugged in silence. Zoe buried her face in Rusty’s shoulder as her body shook with subdued sobs. Rusty stroked her hair, offering comfort and support as Zoe slowly pulled herself together. When the sobs quieted, Zoe pulled back, her hands shaking as she met Rusty’s earnest, sympathetic gaze.
“I don’t know what to do,” she admitted. “I’m so tired, Rusty. Being here with you and your family has been hell for me. The best sort of heaven and the worst kind of hell all at the same time, and it’s exhausting. It’s like being taunted with everything I ever wanted but can never have.”
“Answer me honestly,” Rusty said, pinning her with her gaze. “Do you care about Joe? Could you see yourself loving him? And don’t offer me reasons why you shouldn’t or reasons why you can’t. I’m only interested in hearing your honest, heartfelt response.”
For a moment, Zoe was paralyzed and unable to formulate a single word. Her lips felt numb and frozen. She closed her eyes and finally whispered what she’d desperately tried not to allow herself to feel but had failed miserably. “I already do love him.”
When she opened her eyes, Rusty was smiling at her through her own tears. She squeezed Zoe’s hands in hers as a single tear slipped down her cheek.
