Broken and Screwed 2
Page 55
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“Hey.” I took a deep breath.
Jesse slumped into one of the chairs, gaze lidded, and shoulders hunched forward. Everything about him was screaming for me to shut up.
I couldn’t. “I’m mad at him too.”
“You’d be crazy not to be,” he snorted, rotating the chair to level me with a dark look. “He was bordering on abusive last night.”
“Not Jamie.”
Ethan’s presence was there now. I felt him so strongly. A chair moved an inch. It could’ve been from the wind, if there was any, but I imagined him there. I wanted him to be there. In fact, I wanted it so badly that I was struggling to keep my emotions in check.
“Oh.”
All the fight left him.
I sat beside him and leaned back. I was going on instinct here, but touching would take us into a different dimension. This was about Jesse. This was about my brother. Biting the inside of my cheek, I started, “He was supposed to be here.”
A ragged breath left in a whoosh. “You’re damn right he was supposed to be.” He shoved his chair back again. It went crashing into the wall and he was pacing around the table, twisting his hands together. “He was supposed to be on the f**king team with me. He was supposed to be my roommate. Him and me. That was it. He was supposed to have my back, not go off and get killed going to— He was supposed to be here. Instead, I got Cord. And Derek. They’re both good guys, but they’re not—”
He stopped and gripped the chair in front of him. His jaw went rigid and he was swallowing his words. He was fighting the emotions that had rushed out.
I sat rooted in my seat. Holding my breath, I thought that would’ve taken longer, but I didn’t dare mess it up.
I began praying for him to keep going.
One. Two. Three. I counted to six before he started again, saddened, “He was my best friend and my brother. And he’s not here.”
“But he was supposed to be.”
“He was supposed to be.”
“I came for him.”
Jesse had turned towards the wall, but he looked over again. A slight shimmer was over his eyes. He never moved to brush it away or pretend it wasn’t there. He let the moisture build as he nodded. “I know you did.”
Nodding, I didn’t know what else to say or even what else there was to say.
Then he added, “I came for him too.”
“You did?”
“Yeah.” He let out a deep breath. His voice was calmer now, stronger. “I was offered at six other places. I came here because of...”
Because of Ethan. We were in the same boat.
“Your family was like my only family. Hell, my dad might’ve had tons of kids, but I didn’t grow up with them. I don’t know any of them and this girl, I can’t reach out to her. The lawyer went nuts when I said I was thinking about talking to her. And you know the messed up part?” A strangled laugh rose from his chest. “I don’t even know if my mom’s my real mom.”
“Jesse?” I rose from my chair and went to him. Sliding into his lap, I waited as he leaned back in the chair. His hands rested lightly on my legs.
“I saw a file. It’d been left open.”
It hurt to hold his gaze. There was so much pain.
“It said she was barren, she couldn’t have kids. I don’t know if she was like that after me or...”
“You think another woman had you and your dad passed you off as hers?”
He nodded, swallowing thickly. “I loved her, but what if she wasn’t even who I was supposed to be loving?”
“Oh, Jesse.” How could I answer that? I couldn’t. Resting my head against his chest, he tightened his arms around me and rested his cheek on top of me. I felt him take another deep breath.
I used to do that, to lessen the pain. It never worked. The pain always won out. It always suffocated me.
“I’m so sorry, Jesse,” I whispered.
“Yeah,” he bit out. “What do you expect, though? I should’ve thought of that growing up with him. You have no idea how grateful I am to your family for taking me in and letting me live with you guys. Your parents have been so good to me.”
But not to me. My own agony stirred now. My parents had abandoned me, but I knew they would never do that to him. Jesse was the son they wanted to replace Ethan. He just didn’t know that. Biting my tongue, a familiar heaviness came over me. I couldn’t tell him about my parents. I knew Jesse would be upset, but he’d be hurt. He’d be disappointed and there went his ideal image of what parents should be.
I couldn’t do that to him.
CHAPTER TWENTY
There were a few changes in the house after that first night. Jamie wasn’t allowed back, but Tiffany started living in his room. After an apology for her stupidity, Hannah moved into my room. Everything was approved through Housing so it looked like I had a roommate on paper. The girls stopped knocking on my door the day she moved in. Refusing to bring more of my stuff, more than what was necessary to Jesse’s house, I had to stop by every other day for clothes or random things. The other girls on the floor tried to become friendly with me. When I ignored them, which I would’ve done anyway, they started getting nasty. Insults were heard from opened doors when I’d pass by. These were followed with more of them lingering in the hallways. It was a mean girl situation. They’d whisper about me, not quiet anymore, and shoot me death glares as I was forced to walk around them to my room.
After Hannah witnessed a few of these moments, she made me promise to text her whenever I would come over. When I did, Hannah was in the hallway, in a lawn chair with a table beside her. Most times, she had a book in her lap and a drink on the table. The location of the lawn chair moved. The first time was outside her (my) door. By the third week, she sat outside the doors of the mean girl leaders. No one won against Hannah when the insults flew.
The other change was at the house.
After our first fight that had almost turned violent, and after she saw how Jesse defended me, Tiffany began to ignore me. It was the most passive aggressive tactic, but it didn’t bother me. I could ignore her as well, made my life easier. After one night, when I went into the kitchen and Tiffany left the table to go upstairs, I took her vacant seat. Kara rolled her eyes and asked, “How are you handling that?”
I shrugged and popped one of Tiffany’s grapes in my mouth. “I don’t really care. I think she thinks this is getting to me, but it’s easier. I don’t want to be her friend so I don’t know what she’s getting out of this.”
Jesse slumped into one of the chairs, gaze lidded, and shoulders hunched forward. Everything about him was screaming for me to shut up.
I couldn’t. “I’m mad at him too.”
“You’d be crazy not to be,” he snorted, rotating the chair to level me with a dark look. “He was bordering on abusive last night.”
“Not Jamie.”
Ethan’s presence was there now. I felt him so strongly. A chair moved an inch. It could’ve been from the wind, if there was any, but I imagined him there. I wanted him to be there. In fact, I wanted it so badly that I was struggling to keep my emotions in check.
“Oh.”
All the fight left him.
I sat beside him and leaned back. I was going on instinct here, but touching would take us into a different dimension. This was about Jesse. This was about my brother. Biting the inside of my cheek, I started, “He was supposed to be here.”
A ragged breath left in a whoosh. “You’re damn right he was supposed to be.” He shoved his chair back again. It went crashing into the wall and he was pacing around the table, twisting his hands together. “He was supposed to be on the f**king team with me. He was supposed to be my roommate. Him and me. That was it. He was supposed to have my back, not go off and get killed going to— He was supposed to be here. Instead, I got Cord. And Derek. They’re both good guys, but they’re not—”
He stopped and gripped the chair in front of him. His jaw went rigid and he was swallowing his words. He was fighting the emotions that had rushed out.
I sat rooted in my seat. Holding my breath, I thought that would’ve taken longer, but I didn’t dare mess it up.
I began praying for him to keep going.
One. Two. Three. I counted to six before he started again, saddened, “He was my best friend and my brother. And he’s not here.”
“But he was supposed to be.”
“He was supposed to be.”
“I came for him.”
Jesse had turned towards the wall, but he looked over again. A slight shimmer was over his eyes. He never moved to brush it away or pretend it wasn’t there. He let the moisture build as he nodded. “I know you did.”
Nodding, I didn’t know what else to say or even what else there was to say.
Then he added, “I came for him too.”
“You did?”
“Yeah.” He let out a deep breath. His voice was calmer now, stronger. “I was offered at six other places. I came here because of...”
Because of Ethan. We were in the same boat.
“Your family was like my only family. Hell, my dad might’ve had tons of kids, but I didn’t grow up with them. I don’t know any of them and this girl, I can’t reach out to her. The lawyer went nuts when I said I was thinking about talking to her. And you know the messed up part?” A strangled laugh rose from his chest. “I don’t even know if my mom’s my real mom.”
“Jesse?” I rose from my chair and went to him. Sliding into his lap, I waited as he leaned back in the chair. His hands rested lightly on my legs.
“I saw a file. It’d been left open.”
It hurt to hold his gaze. There was so much pain.
“It said she was barren, she couldn’t have kids. I don’t know if she was like that after me or...”
“You think another woman had you and your dad passed you off as hers?”
He nodded, swallowing thickly. “I loved her, but what if she wasn’t even who I was supposed to be loving?”
“Oh, Jesse.” How could I answer that? I couldn’t. Resting my head against his chest, he tightened his arms around me and rested his cheek on top of me. I felt him take another deep breath.
I used to do that, to lessen the pain. It never worked. The pain always won out. It always suffocated me.
“I’m so sorry, Jesse,” I whispered.
“Yeah,” he bit out. “What do you expect, though? I should’ve thought of that growing up with him. You have no idea how grateful I am to your family for taking me in and letting me live with you guys. Your parents have been so good to me.”
But not to me. My own agony stirred now. My parents had abandoned me, but I knew they would never do that to him. Jesse was the son they wanted to replace Ethan. He just didn’t know that. Biting my tongue, a familiar heaviness came over me. I couldn’t tell him about my parents. I knew Jesse would be upset, but he’d be hurt. He’d be disappointed and there went his ideal image of what parents should be.
I couldn’t do that to him.
CHAPTER TWENTY
There were a few changes in the house after that first night. Jamie wasn’t allowed back, but Tiffany started living in his room. After an apology for her stupidity, Hannah moved into my room. Everything was approved through Housing so it looked like I had a roommate on paper. The girls stopped knocking on my door the day she moved in. Refusing to bring more of my stuff, more than what was necessary to Jesse’s house, I had to stop by every other day for clothes or random things. The other girls on the floor tried to become friendly with me. When I ignored them, which I would’ve done anyway, they started getting nasty. Insults were heard from opened doors when I’d pass by. These were followed with more of them lingering in the hallways. It was a mean girl situation. They’d whisper about me, not quiet anymore, and shoot me death glares as I was forced to walk around them to my room.
After Hannah witnessed a few of these moments, she made me promise to text her whenever I would come over. When I did, Hannah was in the hallway, in a lawn chair with a table beside her. Most times, she had a book in her lap and a drink on the table. The location of the lawn chair moved. The first time was outside her (my) door. By the third week, she sat outside the doors of the mean girl leaders. No one won against Hannah when the insults flew.
The other change was at the house.
After our first fight that had almost turned violent, and after she saw how Jesse defended me, Tiffany began to ignore me. It was the most passive aggressive tactic, but it didn’t bother me. I could ignore her as well, made my life easier. After one night, when I went into the kitchen and Tiffany left the table to go upstairs, I took her vacant seat. Kara rolled her eyes and asked, “How are you handling that?”
I shrugged and popped one of Tiffany’s grapes in my mouth. “I don’t really care. I think she thinks this is getting to me, but it’s easier. I don’t want to be her friend so I don’t know what she’s getting out of this.”
