I looked away. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do. Comfort her? She was wrong. It’d been too much for her to ask, but she had a beer thrown on her because of me. I had no idea what I was supposed to do here.
And then I heard from her in a small voice, “I’m sorry, Alex. I wasn’t thinking about you.”
I took a deep breath. My stomach settled again and I shrugged. “It’s okay.”
“It’s not. I was a being a selfish bitch. I forgot…”
My heart pounded. What was she going to say?
“Never mind. Do you want something to drink?”
I let out a deep breath of relief. She hadn’t said it. And, like Angie, she left before I could reply. They both knew me so well.
Justin took Angie back to his truck and they climbed inside. Her arms flew around. Her face kept switching from outrage to fury and Justin kept patting her back. I stood there. I still had no idea what to do. They would reconcile in the morning. It was what they did. They would get heated, both of them were so honest and open. At times, the words weren’t received well, but they always made up in the morning. When I saw Marissa with some of her cheerleading friends, I knew it would be sooner than that. She was biting her lip as she cast concerned looks towards Angie. She sent a few towards me, but her eyes fluttered and she looked away.
I made the decision to leave. This party wasn’t for me, not that night, not with him there.
A few girls called out goodbyes when they saw that I was leaving, but no one stopped me. No one dared because the truth was that I wasn’t close to any of them anymore. I had been. A year ago I was one of the popular girls. It was why I had become friends with Angie and Marissa. No one could rival us when we were together.
My phone buzzed as I neared where I had parked my car. I pulled my phone out and saw the text from Marissa. I’m sorry. I really am. Please don’t be mad at me. I’m really really really sorry if I hurt you. I’m so stupid sometimes. Ok. All the time. This time. I was stupid this time. Ill make it r8t wth Angie too. Promise. Breakfast in the am? Barnies?
I thumbed a response back. Sounds good. Call when u wake up.
A second later. R U mad? R U hurt?
I heaved another breath. Was I mad? No. That was Marissa, she didn’t think sometimes. Was I hurt? On this night, I couldn’t breathe without hurting. I should’ve replied, told a lie to my friend, but I didn’t. I pocketed my phone and kept my head down as I got to the car.
Everything slowed to a halt after that.
Nothing happened. No one made a sound. No one moved. There were no animals in the background, no smell that warned me, but tingles raced down my spine and I knew.
I looked up, swallowing over a knot.
There he was, Jesse Hunt.
His dark eyes penetrated me from across the ten yards that separated us. His black hair had been buzzed since that afternoon. His lips were curved in a sneer and he was sitting on my car trunk. His knees were pulled up as his feet rested on the bumper. He had on a sleeveless black shirt that was ripped at the ends. The tattoos on his arms seemed even darker from the moonlight. They were highlighted against his skin though he was golden tan.
My voice couldn’t work. “What are you doing here?” I sounded hoarse.
My heart was pounding. I couldn’t get enough air.
His top lip curved upwards in a smile, but he still kept the sneer on his face. I never knew how he could do that, but he had perfected it from when we were in junior high. “What? You got those virginal panties on now?” His eyes flashed a warning to me. “What do you think I’m doing here?”
I swung away. Why could he affect me so much?
“Hey!” He raised his voice a notch. “It’s the big night for us, Alex. Come on. Who else would I be with tonight? Only you and me. We’re the only ones.”
I lowered my head. He was right. My heart slowed a bit. No one else could understand. No one else had loved Ethan like we had.
But that didn’t mean I wanted to think about my big brother at that moment. So I swung back and rushed out, “I saw Sarah at the bonfire. She looks pretty.” I wet my lips. When had they gone so dry? “Do you think you’ll ever get back together with her? I think she still loves you.”
He stared at me for a moment and then snorted. When he raised his hand, I saw the flask for the first time. He was drunk. Of course, he was drunk. I blinked back rapid tears. He only talked to me when he was drunk, but no—that wasn’t correct. There were lots of times when he had been drunk and he ignored my calls, my looks, or my pleas for any comfort he could’ve provided.
“Are you serious?” He rolled his eyes and for some reason, it seemed savage when it came from him. He fixed me with another penetrating stare. “Come on, Alex. What are we doing here?”
“You’re on my car.”
He snorted again and raised the flask once more. “It’s Ethan’s car.”
“He gave it to me.”
I tensed, ready for a sharp rebuke, but it never came. Silence. My eyes snapped to his and I was surprised to see that he wasn’t looking at me. He had turned away. I could see his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. The image of it took my breath away. He was beautiful in that moment. The moon was behind him, casting its shadow over him and when he looked back, he draped both his arms on his knees. His head hung down.
His shoulders drooped as he took a breath. Hearing the shuddering inhale from him, I clasped my eyes closed.
I heard the pain in him. My own matched his and I wanted to go to him. But that was how it happened the last time. Nothing good came out of that except more suffering.
I felt my wall crumble and whispered, “I’m tired of hurting, Jesse.”
He looked back up. The cockiness was gone. The anger still burned in his eyes, but he had stuffed it down. I knew it was there, though. But it didn’t keep me away. His torment was on the surface and he let me see that.
Tears burst from my dam. I couldn’t stop them.
“It’s the exact time that it happened, you know. Right now. It’s 11:05. June 2.”
The pain suffocated me, but I couldn’t turn away. I nodded with my throat full. “I know.”
Jesse sighed again and stretched his legs down. He slid off the trunk and leaned against it. The moonlight flashed over his flask as he raised it again. As I heard it empty, he tossed it aside and crossed his arms over his chest. Even though Jesse was lean, his biceps bulged from the movement. He had always worked out, but since Ethan died he had doubled his time there.
And then I heard from her in a small voice, “I’m sorry, Alex. I wasn’t thinking about you.”
I took a deep breath. My stomach settled again and I shrugged. “It’s okay.”
“It’s not. I was a being a selfish bitch. I forgot…”
My heart pounded. What was she going to say?
“Never mind. Do you want something to drink?”
I let out a deep breath of relief. She hadn’t said it. And, like Angie, she left before I could reply. They both knew me so well.
Justin took Angie back to his truck and they climbed inside. Her arms flew around. Her face kept switching from outrage to fury and Justin kept patting her back. I stood there. I still had no idea what to do. They would reconcile in the morning. It was what they did. They would get heated, both of them were so honest and open. At times, the words weren’t received well, but they always made up in the morning. When I saw Marissa with some of her cheerleading friends, I knew it would be sooner than that. She was biting her lip as she cast concerned looks towards Angie. She sent a few towards me, but her eyes fluttered and she looked away.
I made the decision to leave. This party wasn’t for me, not that night, not with him there.
A few girls called out goodbyes when they saw that I was leaving, but no one stopped me. No one dared because the truth was that I wasn’t close to any of them anymore. I had been. A year ago I was one of the popular girls. It was why I had become friends with Angie and Marissa. No one could rival us when we were together.
My phone buzzed as I neared where I had parked my car. I pulled my phone out and saw the text from Marissa. I’m sorry. I really am. Please don’t be mad at me. I’m really really really sorry if I hurt you. I’m so stupid sometimes. Ok. All the time. This time. I was stupid this time. Ill make it r8t wth Angie too. Promise. Breakfast in the am? Barnies?
I thumbed a response back. Sounds good. Call when u wake up.
A second later. R U mad? R U hurt?
I heaved another breath. Was I mad? No. That was Marissa, she didn’t think sometimes. Was I hurt? On this night, I couldn’t breathe without hurting. I should’ve replied, told a lie to my friend, but I didn’t. I pocketed my phone and kept my head down as I got to the car.
Everything slowed to a halt after that.
Nothing happened. No one made a sound. No one moved. There were no animals in the background, no smell that warned me, but tingles raced down my spine and I knew.
I looked up, swallowing over a knot.
There he was, Jesse Hunt.
His dark eyes penetrated me from across the ten yards that separated us. His black hair had been buzzed since that afternoon. His lips were curved in a sneer and he was sitting on my car trunk. His knees were pulled up as his feet rested on the bumper. He had on a sleeveless black shirt that was ripped at the ends. The tattoos on his arms seemed even darker from the moonlight. They were highlighted against his skin though he was golden tan.
My voice couldn’t work. “What are you doing here?” I sounded hoarse.
My heart was pounding. I couldn’t get enough air.
His top lip curved upwards in a smile, but he still kept the sneer on his face. I never knew how he could do that, but he had perfected it from when we were in junior high. “What? You got those virginal panties on now?” His eyes flashed a warning to me. “What do you think I’m doing here?”
I swung away. Why could he affect me so much?
“Hey!” He raised his voice a notch. “It’s the big night for us, Alex. Come on. Who else would I be with tonight? Only you and me. We’re the only ones.”
I lowered my head. He was right. My heart slowed a bit. No one else could understand. No one else had loved Ethan like we had.
But that didn’t mean I wanted to think about my big brother at that moment. So I swung back and rushed out, “I saw Sarah at the bonfire. She looks pretty.” I wet my lips. When had they gone so dry? “Do you think you’ll ever get back together with her? I think she still loves you.”
He stared at me for a moment and then snorted. When he raised his hand, I saw the flask for the first time. He was drunk. Of course, he was drunk. I blinked back rapid tears. He only talked to me when he was drunk, but no—that wasn’t correct. There were lots of times when he had been drunk and he ignored my calls, my looks, or my pleas for any comfort he could’ve provided.
“Are you serious?” He rolled his eyes and for some reason, it seemed savage when it came from him. He fixed me with another penetrating stare. “Come on, Alex. What are we doing here?”
“You’re on my car.”
He snorted again and raised the flask once more. “It’s Ethan’s car.”
“He gave it to me.”
I tensed, ready for a sharp rebuke, but it never came. Silence. My eyes snapped to his and I was surprised to see that he wasn’t looking at me. He had turned away. I could see his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. The image of it took my breath away. He was beautiful in that moment. The moon was behind him, casting its shadow over him and when he looked back, he draped both his arms on his knees. His head hung down.
His shoulders drooped as he took a breath. Hearing the shuddering inhale from him, I clasped my eyes closed.
I heard the pain in him. My own matched his and I wanted to go to him. But that was how it happened the last time. Nothing good came out of that except more suffering.
I felt my wall crumble and whispered, “I’m tired of hurting, Jesse.”
He looked back up. The cockiness was gone. The anger still burned in his eyes, but he had stuffed it down. I knew it was there, though. But it didn’t keep me away. His torment was on the surface and he let me see that.
Tears burst from my dam. I couldn’t stop them.
“It’s the exact time that it happened, you know. Right now. It’s 11:05. June 2.”
The pain suffocated me, but I couldn’t turn away. I nodded with my throat full. “I know.”
Jesse sighed again and stretched his legs down. He slid off the trunk and leaned against it. The moonlight flashed over his flask as he raised it again. As I heard it empty, he tossed it aside and crossed his arms over his chest. Even though Jesse was lean, his biceps bulged from the movement. He had always worked out, but since Ethan died he had doubled his time there.
