“And she took him off your hands?” She pursed her lips together and shook her head. “It wasn’t even like that, Alex. She took your man. If she wanted him, she should’ve asked for your permission. She did none of that and that she’s been hiding from you the past month tells me she’s guilty. She’s not that good of a friend.”
I sighed. This wasn’t going to go anywhere productive, so I purposely lightened my tone. “What are your plans for the break?”
Her eyes stayed narrowed and she kept them trained on me. Then she stared, and stared some more. Finally she rolled them and sighed in disgust. “You are so infuriating sometimes. You should be mad as hell and instead you’re over here, Miss Little Forgiveness. How can you sleep at night? With halos over your head? Or are you keeping secrets too?”
I froze. My heart stopped for a second.
Then her hand went in the air and she groaned again. “And now I’m being the horrible friend. I feel like I have to be perfect to catch up with you. You’re so damn holy and selfless. What the hell’s wrong with you?”
I stared at her.
She cringed. “Jesus. Don’t listen to me. I’m cursing, using His name in vain. I’m the one going to hell. Marissa will get away scot free, but not me. I’ll be going down South while she folds her wings around her and floats to heaven, all innocent and crap when we both know she’s not.”
I laughed now, but I couldn’t help but feel some of my own guilt. It might not have been the secret she thought of the type that was going to hurt anyone else, but I had my secrets. And one of them was how I was going to spend my Thanksgiving break. So I shook my head and plastered a fake smile on my face. “What are your plans for the break?”
“Yeah, yeah. I heard you the first time. I’m just so damn irritated with Marissa. She’s getting away with being a really crappy friend and the one person she shouldn’t be crappy to is you. But you won’t say anything.”
Because I had my own lies. But I held my tongue.
Then she cursed under her breath and sighed. “Okay. What’d you ask? Oh, my break. I don’t know. Family thing tomorrow. Justin will be around. That’s all I have planned. I think we’re going to his house tomorrow night for family game night. You?”
I lied through my teeth. “Family dinner, that’s it.”
“Oh. Well. That should be good. With your mom being in the hospital and all. I’m sure that time will be good for all of you guys.” Then a different look came to her. It was more serious, deeper, and it sent a kick to my stomach. I readied myself when I heard her ask, “Why haven’t you said anything about your mom? I know that I know, but no one else knows. I mean, my word, Alex. You’ve had a hard time the past year and a half, and now your mom was in the hospital. I think you should say something.”
I blinked back a sudden rush of tears. The sympathy loosened them, but I hardened myself. Crying never fixed anything and I didn’t want to appear weak. No one would respect me after that, and that was all I had left. I shook my head, forcing my voice to sound normal. “No, I can’t. It’s alright. My mom’s a lot better.”
She sighed again, and then wiped her own tear away. “I’m sorry. I am. I just…” But she bit her lip and turned away. Her shoulders shook a bit, but I waited with a knot in my stomach until she turned back. Her voice rose on a sob, “I just can’t imagine if that’d been my mom. I would’ve lost it. I know I would’ve.”
And that was the gist of it. As I heard her, the truth startled me. I had lost my mom when I had lost Ethan. I had lost my father as well. I’d lost the family even. I still had Jesse, in some ways, but nothing was the same. I wasn’t the same.
When Angie grasped my arm, I jerked back to our conversation. I was shaken as I realized a few tears had slipped past my eyes. They streamed down my cheek, but Angie had her own. She pulled me in for a hug and whispered in my ear, “I love you. You know that, right? I really do. If you need anything, anything at all, please, please, please call me. Please, Alex.”
I hugged her back and nodded, but when she didn’t let go, my arms tightened around her. And then I found myself hugging her back as much as she did with me. Something loosened in me. I didn’t know what it was, but it was something and it was important. When I felt more tears coming, I pulled back and brushed them away. I couldn’t lose it. I didn’t know if I’d put it all back together again.
Her hand fell to my arm. Her voice was rough. “I just feel that you’re hurting a lot more than you let on and it kills me. You’ve always been a great friend to me and have been there for me. You deserve that back, you deserve more than that.”
I grasped her hand in mine and squeezed it tight.
Then Angie groaned. “Oh hell. Look at us. We both look like blathering idiots. Where’s that passive aggressive bitch Sarah Shastaine at a moment like this? She’d wet herself, I swear.”
Some laughter ripped out of me. My eyes went wide, but then I couldn’t stop laughing. And Angie joined in. Both of us were giggling so much, we were drawing attention. It wasn’t long until Justin found his way over to us. A perplexed look was on his face as he knelt and slung Angie’s bag over his shoulder. “You guys aren’t high, are you?”
Angie snorted and swatted at his shoulder.
We laughed harder at that.
Then he shook his head and sighed. “Okay. I’ll see you at the car, honey.”
She nodded. Both of us were overcome with laughter and blinded by tears as well. After awhile, another minute of laughing; it hurt to stop, but we needed to. Angie sighed out loud. “Oh, my word. That felt good, painful but good.”
I nodded, grinning like an idiot.
“Okay.” She hugged me once more and took a breath. “I’ll see you later. Call me if you’re bored and want to get out of the house tomorrow. Otherwise, there’s a party Friday. We’ll pick you up at six for that.”
“What—no—”
But it didn’t matter. Angie gave me another wave and headed across the parking lot for Justin’s truck. As she rushed him and threw her arms around his shoulders, pain seared inside of my chest. I wanted that. They were happy. They were in love. I wanted that, but I’d never get it. Another flare of pain surged through me, but I stopped it. I put it on hold and pushed everything down inside of me. Self pity wouldn’t get me anywhere, and right now, I needed to survive.
I sighed. This wasn’t going to go anywhere productive, so I purposely lightened my tone. “What are your plans for the break?”
Her eyes stayed narrowed and she kept them trained on me. Then she stared, and stared some more. Finally she rolled them and sighed in disgust. “You are so infuriating sometimes. You should be mad as hell and instead you’re over here, Miss Little Forgiveness. How can you sleep at night? With halos over your head? Or are you keeping secrets too?”
I froze. My heart stopped for a second.
Then her hand went in the air and she groaned again. “And now I’m being the horrible friend. I feel like I have to be perfect to catch up with you. You’re so damn holy and selfless. What the hell’s wrong with you?”
I stared at her.
She cringed. “Jesus. Don’t listen to me. I’m cursing, using His name in vain. I’m the one going to hell. Marissa will get away scot free, but not me. I’ll be going down South while she folds her wings around her and floats to heaven, all innocent and crap when we both know she’s not.”
I laughed now, but I couldn’t help but feel some of my own guilt. It might not have been the secret she thought of the type that was going to hurt anyone else, but I had my secrets. And one of them was how I was going to spend my Thanksgiving break. So I shook my head and plastered a fake smile on my face. “What are your plans for the break?”
“Yeah, yeah. I heard you the first time. I’m just so damn irritated with Marissa. She’s getting away with being a really crappy friend and the one person she shouldn’t be crappy to is you. But you won’t say anything.”
Because I had my own lies. But I held my tongue.
Then she cursed under her breath and sighed. “Okay. What’d you ask? Oh, my break. I don’t know. Family thing tomorrow. Justin will be around. That’s all I have planned. I think we’re going to his house tomorrow night for family game night. You?”
I lied through my teeth. “Family dinner, that’s it.”
“Oh. Well. That should be good. With your mom being in the hospital and all. I’m sure that time will be good for all of you guys.” Then a different look came to her. It was more serious, deeper, and it sent a kick to my stomach. I readied myself when I heard her ask, “Why haven’t you said anything about your mom? I know that I know, but no one else knows. I mean, my word, Alex. You’ve had a hard time the past year and a half, and now your mom was in the hospital. I think you should say something.”
I blinked back a sudden rush of tears. The sympathy loosened them, but I hardened myself. Crying never fixed anything and I didn’t want to appear weak. No one would respect me after that, and that was all I had left. I shook my head, forcing my voice to sound normal. “No, I can’t. It’s alright. My mom’s a lot better.”
She sighed again, and then wiped her own tear away. “I’m sorry. I am. I just…” But she bit her lip and turned away. Her shoulders shook a bit, but I waited with a knot in my stomach until she turned back. Her voice rose on a sob, “I just can’t imagine if that’d been my mom. I would’ve lost it. I know I would’ve.”
And that was the gist of it. As I heard her, the truth startled me. I had lost my mom when I had lost Ethan. I had lost my father as well. I’d lost the family even. I still had Jesse, in some ways, but nothing was the same. I wasn’t the same.
When Angie grasped my arm, I jerked back to our conversation. I was shaken as I realized a few tears had slipped past my eyes. They streamed down my cheek, but Angie had her own. She pulled me in for a hug and whispered in my ear, “I love you. You know that, right? I really do. If you need anything, anything at all, please, please, please call me. Please, Alex.”
I hugged her back and nodded, but when she didn’t let go, my arms tightened around her. And then I found myself hugging her back as much as she did with me. Something loosened in me. I didn’t know what it was, but it was something and it was important. When I felt more tears coming, I pulled back and brushed them away. I couldn’t lose it. I didn’t know if I’d put it all back together again.
Her hand fell to my arm. Her voice was rough. “I just feel that you’re hurting a lot more than you let on and it kills me. You’ve always been a great friend to me and have been there for me. You deserve that back, you deserve more than that.”
I grasped her hand in mine and squeezed it tight.
Then Angie groaned. “Oh hell. Look at us. We both look like blathering idiots. Where’s that passive aggressive bitch Sarah Shastaine at a moment like this? She’d wet herself, I swear.”
Some laughter ripped out of me. My eyes went wide, but then I couldn’t stop laughing. And Angie joined in. Both of us were giggling so much, we were drawing attention. It wasn’t long until Justin found his way over to us. A perplexed look was on his face as he knelt and slung Angie’s bag over his shoulder. “You guys aren’t high, are you?”
Angie snorted and swatted at his shoulder.
We laughed harder at that.
Then he shook his head and sighed. “Okay. I’ll see you at the car, honey.”
She nodded. Both of us were overcome with laughter and blinded by tears as well. After awhile, another minute of laughing; it hurt to stop, but we needed to. Angie sighed out loud. “Oh, my word. That felt good, painful but good.”
I nodded, grinning like an idiot.
“Okay.” She hugged me once more and took a breath. “I’ll see you later. Call me if you’re bored and want to get out of the house tomorrow. Otherwise, there’s a party Friday. We’ll pick you up at six for that.”
“What—no—”
But it didn’t matter. Angie gave me another wave and headed across the parking lot for Justin’s truck. As she rushed him and threw her arms around his shoulders, pain seared inside of my chest. I wanted that. They were happy. They were in love. I wanted that, but I’d never get it. Another flare of pain surged through me, but I stopped it. I put it on hold and pushed everything down inside of me. Self pity wouldn’t get me anywhere, and right now, I needed to survive.
