“Dude!”
Jesse held Reed back. Jesse’s eyes caught mine as I gasped against the onslaught of cold water. I couldn’t look away. There was a fevered determination in him, and I knew he’d had enough. It was time to stop.
I stood then. Something centered in me that I hadn’t felt in a long time, maybe ever. Ethan was with us in the room right then. I felt him. The hairs on the back of my neck stood upright, but I gasped for more breath. The water was so damn cold.
Jesse’s eyes blinked rapidly. His set face faltered for a second. I knew he felt him too. But then his impassive mask slipped back into place. His eyes bored me down and he leaned against the doorframe. His captain was behind him with an expression akin to terror and amazement on his face.
I rasped out, “He’s here.”
Jesse nodded. The wall was back in place. I couldn’t reach him, but I wanted to. I needed to.
As I stood in the tub with the cold water beating down on me, shivers wracked through me. Goosebumps ran up and down my arms and legs. Ethan was dead, but his memory felt so alive. I jerked my eyes to Jesse’s captain. He paled, but he didn’t look away. Then I held my hand out.
He looked at it strangely.
Jesse moved aside and Reed stepped forward. He shook my hand.
I was so cold. More trembling was starting to sink in, but I said through rattling teeth, “Thank you. It’s nice to meet you.”
His eyes were wide as he looked from me to Jesse and back, but his hand squeezed around mine. “Thanks. You too.”
He pulled his hand back and retreated into the hallway. “I’ll—um—I’ll see you later, Hunt.”
Jesse didn’t blink an eye or react when the door slammed closed. But he gave me a sad smile. “Are you okay?”
I nodded. “I think I will be.” And I meant it.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Jesse went late to his team’s breakfast, but not until I reassured him that I would be fine. I was warm. I was dressed. And I was hungry. An hour after he left, I made my way through the hallways to the room Angie had texted was theirs. I was emotionally exhausted. Seeing Ethan’s look-a-like had sent me wheeling. I hadn’t expected it, but it was for the better now.
I couldn’t explain what had been shared between Jesse and me, but I felt stronger because of it. I couldn’t keep crying. I couldn’t keep breaking down. It was time to start thinking of Ethan in a different way; when I would feel him around me, I wasn’t going to be scared anymore.
Then I took a deep breath and ran my hands down my pants. My stomach was all twisted inside, but it was time to be strong again. It’d been so long. And then I stopped outside of Angie’s door. A whole different storm started inside of me. This was it. She knew about Jesse and me. She’d always known, but she had assumed it had stopped. It hadn’t. Now what? I knew she’d be disappointed in me. Angie felt a girl should only sleep with a guy if they’re committed and in love. I loved Jesse, but as for his feelings or the committed part, I knew not to hope for that. When I was stronger, when I could bear the idea of losing him, I’d walk away. I only hoped I wouldn’t be too shattered at that point. I raised my hand and knocked on the door.
It was time.
She opened the door and didn’t disguise her anger at all. Her shoulders were rigid and her eyes were hard. With a gesture inside, she murmured, “Let’s talk.”
Oh boy.
Marissa was on the dresser. Her legs were dangling and she was twiddling her thumbs in her lap. When she looked up, panic came over, but she bit her lip and looked back down. When I perched on the end of the bed, Angie stood beside her. She crossed her arms and raised her chin. Marissa didn’t look back up, but that didn’t matter.
Angie started. “So?”
“So?”
She rolled her eyes. “Are you going to explain it now?”
“Explain what?”
“Jesse Hunt!” Her arms went wide. “My god, you left with him. You haven’t been answering your phone. I mean, what is going on with you two?”
A spark of anger lit in me. “You knew about us. You’ve known since August. You just assumed that he would’ve forgotten me, didn’t you?”
“I…” She sighed. Her mouth opened, and then closed. She gaped at me like a fish. “I don’t know what I thought. Yes, I thought it stopped with you two. He’s going to destroy you. Don’t you see that? Can’t you stop it?”
My blank face was my response. It was now none of her business. Her opinions had been heard, but it didn’t stop me. It wasn’t going to stop me. Seeing that, she threw her hands in the air again. Then she twisted to the side. “Marissa? Don’t you have anything to say?”
Her shoulders lifted and then lowered. She glanced up, but there was such fear there. “Um, I don’t feel like I have anything worthwhile to share.”
“Are you kidding me?”
She gave her a helpless shrug. “What do you want me to say? She’s going to do what she wants to do. I mean, we’ve told her our worries, but that’s all we can do. We can’t make her not see him.” Then she bit her lip again and looked down. Her thumbs were twiddling a second later.
“Oh my god! I can’t believe the two of you.” Angie jerked to me again. “You don’t have anything else to say?”
I kept my voice calm. “I’ve never lied to you, not openly. I might not have shared certain information with you, but I never really lied to you. You guys knew about Jesse. I just didn’t tell you that it hadn’t stopped when I realized you thought it had.”
“But, there.” Her arm shot at me, pointing. “Right there is a lie. You lied to me by not correcting me. I’m your friend, Alex. Why wouldn’t you share this with me?”
“Because of this. You don’t like him—”
“That’s not true.”
“—you don’t like the idea of him and me—”
“That’s true.”
“—and you’re only saying all this stuff because you think there’s no chance that Jesse would ever be with me.” I finished out of breath. My chest was heaving.
Her mouth twisted into a frown. “I didn’t, that’s not all true.”
“Yes, it is,” Marissa spoke up, now timid.
“What?” Angie whirled around to face her. Her arms got tighter over her chest. “You agree with her?”
Jesse held Reed back. Jesse’s eyes caught mine as I gasped against the onslaught of cold water. I couldn’t look away. There was a fevered determination in him, and I knew he’d had enough. It was time to stop.
I stood then. Something centered in me that I hadn’t felt in a long time, maybe ever. Ethan was with us in the room right then. I felt him. The hairs on the back of my neck stood upright, but I gasped for more breath. The water was so damn cold.
Jesse’s eyes blinked rapidly. His set face faltered for a second. I knew he felt him too. But then his impassive mask slipped back into place. His eyes bored me down and he leaned against the doorframe. His captain was behind him with an expression akin to terror and amazement on his face.
I rasped out, “He’s here.”
Jesse nodded. The wall was back in place. I couldn’t reach him, but I wanted to. I needed to.
As I stood in the tub with the cold water beating down on me, shivers wracked through me. Goosebumps ran up and down my arms and legs. Ethan was dead, but his memory felt so alive. I jerked my eyes to Jesse’s captain. He paled, but he didn’t look away. Then I held my hand out.
He looked at it strangely.
Jesse moved aside and Reed stepped forward. He shook my hand.
I was so cold. More trembling was starting to sink in, but I said through rattling teeth, “Thank you. It’s nice to meet you.”
His eyes were wide as he looked from me to Jesse and back, but his hand squeezed around mine. “Thanks. You too.”
He pulled his hand back and retreated into the hallway. “I’ll—um—I’ll see you later, Hunt.”
Jesse didn’t blink an eye or react when the door slammed closed. But he gave me a sad smile. “Are you okay?”
I nodded. “I think I will be.” And I meant it.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Jesse went late to his team’s breakfast, but not until I reassured him that I would be fine. I was warm. I was dressed. And I was hungry. An hour after he left, I made my way through the hallways to the room Angie had texted was theirs. I was emotionally exhausted. Seeing Ethan’s look-a-like had sent me wheeling. I hadn’t expected it, but it was for the better now.
I couldn’t explain what had been shared between Jesse and me, but I felt stronger because of it. I couldn’t keep crying. I couldn’t keep breaking down. It was time to start thinking of Ethan in a different way; when I would feel him around me, I wasn’t going to be scared anymore.
Then I took a deep breath and ran my hands down my pants. My stomach was all twisted inside, but it was time to be strong again. It’d been so long. And then I stopped outside of Angie’s door. A whole different storm started inside of me. This was it. She knew about Jesse and me. She’d always known, but she had assumed it had stopped. It hadn’t. Now what? I knew she’d be disappointed in me. Angie felt a girl should only sleep with a guy if they’re committed and in love. I loved Jesse, but as for his feelings or the committed part, I knew not to hope for that. When I was stronger, when I could bear the idea of losing him, I’d walk away. I only hoped I wouldn’t be too shattered at that point. I raised my hand and knocked on the door.
It was time.
She opened the door and didn’t disguise her anger at all. Her shoulders were rigid and her eyes were hard. With a gesture inside, she murmured, “Let’s talk.”
Oh boy.
Marissa was on the dresser. Her legs were dangling and she was twiddling her thumbs in her lap. When she looked up, panic came over, but she bit her lip and looked back down. When I perched on the end of the bed, Angie stood beside her. She crossed her arms and raised her chin. Marissa didn’t look back up, but that didn’t matter.
Angie started. “So?”
“So?”
She rolled her eyes. “Are you going to explain it now?”
“Explain what?”
“Jesse Hunt!” Her arms went wide. “My god, you left with him. You haven’t been answering your phone. I mean, what is going on with you two?”
A spark of anger lit in me. “You knew about us. You’ve known since August. You just assumed that he would’ve forgotten me, didn’t you?”
“I…” She sighed. Her mouth opened, and then closed. She gaped at me like a fish. “I don’t know what I thought. Yes, I thought it stopped with you two. He’s going to destroy you. Don’t you see that? Can’t you stop it?”
My blank face was my response. It was now none of her business. Her opinions had been heard, but it didn’t stop me. It wasn’t going to stop me. Seeing that, she threw her hands in the air again. Then she twisted to the side. “Marissa? Don’t you have anything to say?”
Her shoulders lifted and then lowered. She glanced up, but there was such fear there. “Um, I don’t feel like I have anything worthwhile to share.”
“Are you kidding me?”
She gave her a helpless shrug. “What do you want me to say? She’s going to do what she wants to do. I mean, we’ve told her our worries, but that’s all we can do. We can’t make her not see him.” Then she bit her lip again and looked down. Her thumbs were twiddling a second later.
“Oh my god! I can’t believe the two of you.” Angie jerked to me again. “You don’t have anything else to say?”
I kept my voice calm. “I’ve never lied to you, not openly. I might not have shared certain information with you, but I never really lied to you. You guys knew about Jesse. I just didn’t tell you that it hadn’t stopped when I realized you thought it had.”
“But, there.” Her arm shot at me, pointing. “Right there is a lie. You lied to me by not correcting me. I’m your friend, Alex. Why wouldn’t you share this with me?”
“Because of this. You don’t like him—”
“That’s not true.”
“—you don’t like the idea of him and me—”
“That’s true.”
“—and you’re only saying all this stuff because you think there’s no chance that Jesse would ever be with me.” I finished out of breath. My chest was heaving.
Her mouth twisted into a frown. “I didn’t, that’s not all true.”
“Yes, it is,” Marissa spoke up, now timid.
“What?” Angie whirled around to face her. Her arms got tighter over her chest. “You agree with her?”
