She nodded. “Yes, I’m going home. Have a safe trip this weekend with your friend. Remember to let yourself have a good time.”
“I tried to stay away. Tried to deny how much I needed you to prove to myself I could. But I hated it and I missed you.”
She cocked her head. “I liked some of those words. Next time you think about doing something silly, how about you aim at doing things that don’t punish us both. If you don’t want me anymore you better say so right now. I’ll go and this will be done. I don’t want to be something you have to argue with yourself to want. I want to be with you. I want you to binge on me until you get your fill. Binge and binge until you realize you don’t have to because I’m here waiting to give you whatever you ask for.”
“Is that what love is?”
She shrugged. “In this case it is. From me to you, always, yes.”
“And you love me even though I have a crazy family and three goats named Marshmallow? Even though I failed everyone in my life so badly I had to go away for nine months just to get to a place where I’d then spend years making right?”
She nodded. “Yes. Not even though. Because of. You’re so much stronger than you know. You can need me. You can crave me. I’m here. I’m all yours. It’s me and you and it’s okay. You said Ezra and Tuesday were supposed to be different—you remember that?”
“And you’ll be here when I get back from Vancouver?”
“Ezra, I told you. I will always be here when you get back from wherever you go. If you need to be alone, that’s okay. If you need to be with me but in quiet, that’s all right, too. I want you to rebuild your friendship with Jeremy. I know you have to harvest things and plant things and do that farmer stuff. And all of that comes with who you are. It’s part of who we are. I need to be alone sometimes, too. But I love you. I can’t hide it. I can’t minimize it. I want you to love me back and you’re not ready. So, I’m going home. You know the way once you get your shit straight.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
TUESDAY SET HER glass down on the table and looked across at Natalie.
“So I told him that until he finds a way to accept needing me, I mean really accept it, we won’t work.” They’d stopped for breakfast on their way up to Olympia to hang out with Tuesday’s sister for the day.
Tuesday’d shifted her lunch date with Kelly to the following week, but hopefully both women would have happy news. Kelly and Vaughan had stopped in to the gallery opening but they’d had the girls and after a bit they’d all headed out to dinner with Michael and Sharon.
She and Kelly had spoken about it on the phone the day before but they needed a long session with cocktails to update one another on what had been going on.
“Paddy said he was super grumpy and withdrawn at their meeting with Jeremy. He says good luck. Paddy, I mean, not Jeremy. For what it’s worth, I think you made the right decision. He needs to accept how he feels for you. Not just for you, but for himself.”
“I don’t want to sound mean or unfeeling. I understand he’s freaked by needing and craving anything. I get it. He never wants to be that guy again. I can get behind that totally. I don’t want it, either. I can accept his broody darkness. His wounds and flaws. I love him. But I can’t do it on my own. I can’t face needing someone that much and him not allowing himself to do the same. It’s uneven. I’d start resenting him.”
“You deserve to be adored and craved and desired. I don’t think you’re wrong for needing him to really understand what it means to accept what he feels about you. All of it. So, does he tie you up or use handcuffs?”
“See, this is the drawback to sharing sex details with you. No it’s not like that. He’s rough, but not to hurt. Like he needs it so bad he has to take it. It’s—I can’t even believe I’m discussing this—it’s all encompassing when he and I start up. He likes to be in control, but it’s not whips and chains. I’d totally let him use whips and chains if it flipped his switch. If anyone could get me to like it a lot, he could. But it’s just...he likes to be in control. He likes to set the pace. I’m fine with that. He’s not telling me how to vote or how to spend my money—if he wants to hold my wrists while he fucks me I’m all for it. He works it. It’s unbelievably hot.”
“Sounds hot. I mean, all you have to do is look at him and know he has something happening in sexytown.”
Tuesday laughed. “It’s the number one tourist destination voted for by me, that’s for sure. But I don’t want to be a visitor. I want us to be together. I want him to be all right with it. Before Ezra I was meeting men I barely knew in hotel rooms to have sex. I knew it was empty, but I needed something. I let it in as far as I could. You know? Like all right, I don’t have to know these jokers that well. You go out on a date, see if you have any click and if you do and he’s not a freak you might accept the second date invite but middinner just say hey let’s get to it. I’d do it for a while and then break it off. I figured maybe one day I’d be able to take the next step. But Ezra isn’t a small step—he’s a trip to Neptune away from random fucks in midpriced chain hotels.”
They paid for their food and got back in the car, heading north once more.
It was easier to say while she drove, her gaze on the road ahead. Knowing Natalie would never judge her helped as always. But she’d never said some of this out loud. Speaking it gave it a whole different sort of reality.
“I tried to stay away. Tried to deny how much I needed you to prove to myself I could. But I hated it and I missed you.”
She cocked her head. “I liked some of those words. Next time you think about doing something silly, how about you aim at doing things that don’t punish us both. If you don’t want me anymore you better say so right now. I’ll go and this will be done. I don’t want to be something you have to argue with yourself to want. I want to be with you. I want you to binge on me until you get your fill. Binge and binge until you realize you don’t have to because I’m here waiting to give you whatever you ask for.”
“Is that what love is?”
She shrugged. “In this case it is. From me to you, always, yes.”
“And you love me even though I have a crazy family and three goats named Marshmallow? Even though I failed everyone in my life so badly I had to go away for nine months just to get to a place where I’d then spend years making right?”
She nodded. “Yes. Not even though. Because of. You’re so much stronger than you know. You can need me. You can crave me. I’m here. I’m all yours. It’s me and you and it’s okay. You said Ezra and Tuesday were supposed to be different—you remember that?”
“And you’ll be here when I get back from Vancouver?”
“Ezra, I told you. I will always be here when you get back from wherever you go. If you need to be alone, that’s okay. If you need to be with me but in quiet, that’s all right, too. I want you to rebuild your friendship with Jeremy. I know you have to harvest things and plant things and do that farmer stuff. And all of that comes with who you are. It’s part of who we are. I need to be alone sometimes, too. But I love you. I can’t hide it. I can’t minimize it. I want you to love me back and you’re not ready. So, I’m going home. You know the way once you get your shit straight.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
TUESDAY SET HER glass down on the table and looked across at Natalie.
“So I told him that until he finds a way to accept needing me, I mean really accept it, we won’t work.” They’d stopped for breakfast on their way up to Olympia to hang out with Tuesday’s sister for the day.
Tuesday’d shifted her lunch date with Kelly to the following week, but hopefully both women would have happy news. Kelly and Vaughan had stopped in to the gallery opening but they’d had the girls and after a bit they’d all headed out to dinner with Michael and Sharon.
She and Kelly had spoken about it on the phone the day before but they needed a long session with cocktails to update one another on what had been going on.
“Paddy said he was super grumpy and withdrawn at their meeting with Jeremy. He says good luck. Paddy, I mean, not Jeremy. For what it’s worth, I think you made the right decision. He needs to accept how he feels for you. Not just for you, but for himself.”
“I don’t want to sound mean or unfeeling. I understand he’s freaked by needing and craving anything. I get it. He never wants to be that guy again. I can get behind that totally. I don’t want it, either. I can accept his broody darkness. His wounds and flaws. I love him. But I can’t do it on my own. I can’t face needing someone that much and him not allowing himself to do the same. It’s uneven. I’d start resenting him.”
“You deserve to be adored and craved and desired. I don’t think you’re wrong for needing him to really understand what it means to accept what he feels about you. All of it. So, does he tie you up or use handcuffs?”
“See, this is the drawback to sharing sex details with you. No it’s not like that. He’s rough, but not to hurt. Like he needs it so bad he has to take it. It’s—I can’t even believe I’m discussing this—it’s all encompassing when he and I start up. He likes to be in control, but it’s not whips and chains. I’d totally let him use whips and chains if it flipped his switch. If anyone could get me to like it a lot, he could. But it’s just...he likes to be in control. He likes to set the pace. I’m fine with that. He’s not telling me how to vote or how to spend my money—if he wants to hold my wrists while he fucks me I’m all for it. He works it. It’s unbelievably hot.”
“Sounds hot. I mean, all you have to do is look at him and know he has something happening in sexytown.”
Tuesday laughed. “It’s the number one tourist destination voted for by me, that’s for sure. But I don’t want to be a visitor. I want us to be together. I want him to be all right with it. Before Ezra I was meeting men I barely knew in hotel rooms to have sex. I knew it was empty, but I needed something. I let it in as far as I could. You know? Like all right, I don’t have to know these jokers that well. You go out on a date, see if you have any click and if you do and he’s not a freak you might accept the second date invite but middinner just say hey let’s get to it. I’d do it for a while and then break it off. I figured maybe one day I’d be able to take the next step. But Ezra isn’t a small step—he’s a trip to Neptune away from random fucks in midpriced chain hotels.”
They paid for their food and got back in the car, heading north once more.
It was easier to say while she drove, her gaze on the road ahead. Knowing Natalie would never judge her helped as always. But she’d never said some of this out loud. Speaking it gave it a whole different sort of reality.
