Mateo shook his head. He wouldn’t. Not this time.
He puked two times on the way to his apartment. Outside the door, he opened and closed his hands, trying to get them not to shake. Ignored the rapid beat of his heart that wanted nothing more than Josiah.
He pushed the door open. Josiah smiled at him with his big ass, happy smile. Ready to leave with Mateo. Expecting Mateo to keep his word to him, even though he never had.
“You packed?”
“Yeah, I got your stuff together, too. Everything’s okay? We’re really going?”
A knife dug into his gut, twisting and turning. “You are.” He walked past Josiah and grabbed his two bags.
“What do you mean? We’re going together, Teo. You said.” He grabbed Mateo’s arm but Teo shook him off.
“I changed my mind.” Lo siento. I’m sorry...
“Teo?”
Mateo made the mistake of looking at him, Jay’s green eyes, round and scared. The knife shoved in deeper. Another one went into his chest. “I can’t do this anymore. I tried but I can’t fucking do it. It’s... it’s too hard to take care of you all the time. I have my own shit to deal with.”
Holy shit, this was killing him. Each word he spoke stabbed another knife into him, but he knew he had to do it. Knew if he didn’t make Josiah think he didn’t want him anymore that he wouldn’t go. That he wouldn’t move on.
“Here.” Mateo pushed the money into his hand. “I got this for you. You should be able to figure out how to get yourself somewhere.” He closed his eyes, trying to hold in the warmth of Josiah’s skin. To engrave it into him so he’d never forget it.
Josiah shook his head. Tears pooled in his desperate eyes. “I love you, Teo, and I know you love me. Why are you doing this? Did he make you? Did he say he’d hurt me? I don’t care. I’ll risk it. We’ll run together. Right now. Let’s go.”
He wanted that. Wanted it so fucking much he could hardly breathe. “It’s this! This right here that I can’t fucking stand anymore. I have to do everything for you. I don’t want to do that shit anymore, kid. I don’t want you.” Out of everything he’d ever done, this felt the worst—these lies were the worst.
Josiah gasped. His bag fell out of his hand.
Teo walked over and opened the door. “Look at all the shit I’ve had to deal with since I met you—taking care of you at school, the fight at the mall, everything that’s gone down here. I’m tired of it. It’s too much of a fucking obligation.”
“Teo...I...” Josiah couldn’t get his words out past his tears.
“Get the fuck outta here!” Mateo yelled. “There’s a cab for you outside. See if you can take some of that shit I taught you and take care of yourself.” The knife should be in his pocket. I told him to always keep it on him.
Josiah still didn’t move.
“You won’t fucking go? Then I will. Be gone when I get back, kid.”
He took a step out the door and paused. “All that shit you were supposed to do? Do it now. Go to school and get your coffee shop. You don’t belong here. You don’t belong with me.”
With one last look at the man he loved, Mateo walked away.
He never could have deserved Josiah anyway. All they’d been doing the past year and a half was pretending. He belonged here, and Jay belonged out there. With each step Mateo transformed into the man he was always supposed to be. Josiah’s Mateo disappeared. He became his dad, and Javier. The real Mateo Sanchez.
Goodbye, mi precioso. Te amo.
PART TWO: Josiah and Tristan
San Francisco, CA
Chapter One
Two years after Mateo
Josiah
Josiah stood in his small apartment, staring down at the wobbling piece of paper in his hand. No matter how hard he tried to steady the limb, it wouldn’t quit trembling.
Words jumped out at him from the shaking paper.
Josiah Evans.
General.
Education.
Diploma.
He’d promised Mateo he’d get it one day, and he did. Stupidly, he somehow thought that would bring Teo back to him. That he’d magically know and find him. Tell him he still wanted Josiah. That it had been a lie. That he really did love him. That someone loved him.
But it had been two years since Mateo sent him away. Two years that he’d been alone.
If Mateo wanted me, he’d be here.
He’d made sure Teo could always find him. He couldn’t afford to live in Fisherman’s Warf, but he worked at a coffee shop there. Traveled to the other side of the city daily to be there. He walked by the water every morning and fed the birds, just like he told Teo he would.
