Still, there was a part of him that resented it. Shame curled through his insides when he thought about the fact that Mateo had to protect him. That he was so weak that the guy who didn’t want anything to do with people had to be Josiah’s shadow.
And then, in some ways, nothing had changed at all. Yes, he had his self-appointed bodyguard, but that’s all it was. They hardly spoke. Mateo’s eyes were hard every time they landed on Josiah, making that shame wrap him up even more until it started to suffocate him.
But still, no one bothered him. Not even in class, when Mateo wasn’t there. He knew the reason was Mateo. He had no doubt they were right to fear him. Josiah did, too.
It was about a month after Mateo had put himself on babysitting duty when they were each sitting on their beds, Josiah with school books spread out in front of him. Every so often Mateo would make some sort of sound, or Josiah would feel eyes on him. When he’d look over, Mateo would turn away, or he’d stare for a second before his eyes eventually went the other direction.
He got this floaty feeling in his stomach because even though he knew Mateo wasn’t seeing him the way Josiah saw Mateo, it made him smile to pretend.
When his hair fell into his face, Josiah pushed it out. It was only a couple inches long but gravitated down again. Most of the time he didn’t mind it, but right now it blocked Mateo.
Mateo, with his dark, seeking eyes, and the muscle that always ticked in his jaw, but also, the couple times Josiah had seen him smile, looked like the happiest person in the world.
Peeking to the left, he risked a glance at him. Mateo didn’t turn away, but Josiah couldn’t stop his gaze from jerking the other direction. That’s what had gotten him in trouble at school, when he hadn’t even really been looking that time.
“Doesn’t that bother you? The way your hair’s always gettin’ in your eyes?” Mateo huffed as though disgusted.
“I can’t help it. It grows fast. I just got it cut a couple weeks go.” Why did Mateo care about his hair anyway?
“Didn’t mean nothin’ by it. I was just... Never mind.” Mateo reached for his headphones. Josiah’s heart jumped, his brain going overtime wanting to think of something, anything, he could say to keep them talking. He wanted to know what he’d almost said but knew if he asked, Mateo would get pissed.
“Do you like that girl? The one with the red hair who was talking to you after school?” What the heck. Did I really just ask him about a girl?
“She was trying to talk to me. There’s a difference.” Mateo leaned against the wall. “She’s not the kinda girl I’m used to.”
It was stupid, but Josiah’s hands suddenly got cold. He didn’t know why they got like that when he was nervous. “Lots of girls watch you. I mean, not that I’m watching you. Or them, or anything like that. I just...” Need to shut my mouth.
Mateo chuckled. Josiah groaned. He always said stupid stuff. He scooted toward the edge of the bed to get up and walk out of the room when Mateo’s words stopped him. “Nah. They’re just wondering if they can piss off their parents with me or somethin’.” He paused for a minute, then asked, “What about you? You want any of those girls?”
Holy shit. What was I thinking? He really didn’t want to talk to Mateo about girls. “No.” Josiah looked at his books again, hoping the conversation would end.
“Why not? They’re like you, all good and shit. You ever fucked a girl?”
Josiah’s face burned with the question. He wasn’t surprised Mateo asked like that, but...what did he say? He rubbed his hands together to warm them up. Could he tell Mateo? Was he the type of guy who would freak out if he knew about Josiah? “No. I...never mind.”
“You what?”
“Nothing.” He bit his lip.
“Tell me. You’re the one who started this shit. Can’t back out now.”
“I don’t like girls, okay?” He shrugged, trying to pretend he didn’t want to vomit. Trying to pretend his whole body wasn’t waiting for Mateo to laugh at him or beat him up or something. When the silence went on for what felt like his whole life, Josiah risked a glance at Mateo, through his hair that had fallen in his face again.
Mateo shrugged. “Yeah. Okay. Whatever.”
That was it? Josiah waited for more. Waited for him to say he didn’t want to share a room with him or something, but he never did. Instead, he said, “Your hair’s doin’ that again. It’s annoying as shit.”
Josiah pushed it out of his face. When Mateo looked away from him, he suddenly needed something, anything, to say so he knew things were okay. “Where’s your homework? I mean...why don’t you do it? Like...ever?” Great. I decide to insult him. Perfect thing to say.
