Before Mateo had the chance to ask him to come back, Josiah slowly made his way over and sat next to him.
“Dios.” Mateo ran his fingers over Jay’s shoulder and down his arm. “You are so fuckin’ sexy.”
A calmness Mateo hadn’t felt in years washed through him when Josiah’s cheeks reddened. That blush always drove him wild.
Reaching out, Josiah touched Mateo’s bottom lip with his thumb. “I hit you.”
Mateo grinned. “Don’t feel bad.”
“Who said I do?”
“You don’t have to say it. I know you. And you know I deserved it. Plus, it was fuckin’ hot...seeing you take control like that. You wouldn’t have done it nine years ago.” As much as those words were true, and as much as it made him proud as hell of Josiah, it made his chest ache, too. Those were changes he made while with Tristan. Changes that the other man could have had a hand in.
Josiah pulled back and looked away. “We need to talk, Teo.”
“You’re still with him,” he confirmed. He knew it made him an asshole for pushing for more information from Josiah, but he needed it. Needed every piece of him he could have, even if he didn’t like the answer.
“Yeah.”
“But you’re here.”
“Tristan knows where I am. He knows I’m going home to him.”
The urge to throw up hit him. His skin suddenly felt too tight. He had no right to feel that way. No right to let the anger and jealousy burn through him like acid. He’d walked away. And the fact was, even though he couldn’t walk away from Josiah again, that didn’t mean he’d never be forced to. And even though the words hurt, he was proud of Josiah for saying them, for not letting Mateo steamroll back into his life so easily.
That didn’t make it easy to swallow, though. “So he let you come to fuck me out of your system?” The words stabbed him in the chest.
Josiah rose to his feet. “Don’t do that. It’s not fair. You’re the one who pushed me away. I didn’t see you for nine years, and then you show up and I still don’t have any answers.”
Guilt added more sourness to his gut. Mateo sighed. “Come ’ere.”
Thank fuck Josiah came without him needing to say anything else. Without him needing to say he couldn’t talk about this without Josiah next to him. Jay crawled into bed and lay on his side, facing Mateo.
He had so many excuses on the tip of his tongue, real reasons, but still just excuses. He’d done it to protect Josiah. He hadn’t wanted this lifestyle for Josiah. He never thought he was good enough. Again, all true, but they didn’t excuse the way Mateo had hurt him. They didn’t change anything.
“I don’t know what you want me to say. That I was fuckin’ stupid? We both know that.” When Josiah tried to get up, Teo thread his fingers through Josiah’s hair, making him stop. “I made so many mistakes with you, Jay. I was just a stupid, fucking kid. For once I wanted to try and do what was right by you. To really protect you. That doesn’t mean I ever stopped wantin’ you. It doesn’t mean I ever stopped loving you.”
His heart collided with his chest so hard, he wondered if Josiah could feel it. He’d never been as real with anyone in his life as he was with Jay.
Josiah sighed. Closed his eyes, then muttered, “That’s not good enough, Teo.” And then he pushed from the bed.
Mateo scrambled up behind him, the ache inside him already threatening to swallow him whole again.
Josiah grabbed his underwear from the floor and pulled them on before reaching for his pants.
“I can’t fully regret it, man.” He shook his head, Josiah reaching for his shirt.
“When I came to find you and I saw you with him. Saw you with normal fuckin’ friends and going to school...I couldn’t really regret it. You wouldn’t have had that shit if you stayed with me.” Mateo dropped his head forward and leaned his arms on his thighs. “You’ve been with him a long time. He’s good to you?”
The movement in the room stopped. Mateo looked up to see Josiah’s feet firmly planted, his back still to Mateo. The room was silent. Teo heard nothing but the sound of his own pulse in his ears.
The palms of his hands started to sweat as he waited, trying to let Josiah do whatever it was he needed to do.
“How long?” he asked without turning around.
“For what?”
“You said you saw us together and then mentioned I’ve been with Tristan for a long time. How long ago did you come?”
