“No.” A flash of their night together hit him. Mateo on his knees in front of Josiah, Tristan’s hand in his hair. “Everything’s okay.”
“Good. He said so but I wanted to make sure.”
Warmth spread through Josiah’s chest. “Of course you do. You’ve always done that. You always make sure things are okay for me, even if they’re not for you.” The knowledge that had always been there, buried so deep in Josiah, pushed toward the surface. Teo would always try and put Josiah first, even if it was wrong.
“That’s why you sent me away. I was too young and scared to see it at first, then I was too angry, but I see it now.”
“Don’t do that. Don’t try and make a hero out of me. You always tried to do that shit, Jay, and you don’t know. You don’t know all the things I’ve done.”
Josiah grabbed Mateo’s arm to stop him from walking away. “I know you. That’s what matters. I’m not stupid. I’m not trying to turn you into something you’re not, but you always tried to be a hero for me. You might not have seen it, Teo, but you did.”
The tension in his arm disappeared but Josiah didn’t loosen his grasp. Mateo lifted his other hand toward Josiah’s face, toward his hair, but right before he made contact he dropped his arm. “Dios, I don’t even have the right to touch you. This is so fucked up.”
The tension was there again, and Mateo tried to pull free, but Josiah wouldn’t let him. “I’m not letting you go. Not again. After last night... What if we can—”
“Last night doesn’t mean I’m any better for you.” He ran his free hand through his hair. “I’ve been in a gang or in prison every day of my life since losing you. That’s not just going to go away, mi precioso. Do you get that? You don’t need my shit. And I know I’m flipping back and forth with what I say to you, but... Seein’ you with him...I get it. He’s good for you, and you deserve that.” He closed his eyes, his hand going to his stomach.
Josiah stepped closer. Grabbed hold of his waist. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m not good at this stuff. All I have are words, and the truth is, I’ve never cared what you did because I know you. The real you. I know that you’re fighting the urge to vomit right now. I know you hate everything bad you’ve ever done. That you wanted a different life with me. But we didn’t get that. And maybe we weren’t supposed to, because now there’s Tristan.
“You try and purge the bad out of you, but he tries to drown it out. He holds his fingers to his pulse, trying to get lost until he can make things disappear. There are things in Tristan’s past I may never know, just like there are with you. None of us are perfect, but we all deserve to be happy. Not just me.”
Mateo rolled his eyes and let out a deep breath. Josiah thought he would pull away, but instead he dropped his forehead to Josiah’s. “There’s no way that can happen. It’s just gonna be two outta three. You got a good life with him, baby. Take it.”
“I want you there, too.”
This time Mateo did try to pull away. “What the fuck would we do, Jay? One night in the big house with Tristan, and then you come stay in my shit-hole with me?”
Even though Mateo was in his arms, Josiah could feel him drifting away. Panic seized him as he fought the only way he knew how. “It worked last night. And I know you and Tristan kissed in his office this morning.”
With that, Mateo jerked out of his grip, and Josiah waited for him to walk away for good this time.
Chapter Thirteen
Mateo
All these years and Josiah was still just as damned innocent as he’d been when they first met. And it hit Mateo in the chest, just like it always did.
Reaching out, Mateo cupped Josiah’s cheek. “I’ve always loved that about you. Even after all the shit you’ve seen, you’re still so damn pure.”
Josiah pulled his head back but Mateo continued talking. “We both made love to you last night, Jay. He’s an attractive man. Of course there’s gonna be the urge to have him, too, but that’s all it is. Attraction. Whatever thoughts you have going in your head right now, it’s not going to happen.” What he said was grounded in reality, but still tasted bitter on his tongue.
“You said I haven’t changed, but you haven’t, either. You tried to stay away from me because you didn’t think you were good enough. But even when I couldn’t admit it to myself, I saw how you looked at me. It might not be completely the same, but there are traces of it when you look at Tristan, too. I know that sounds crazy, but I also know it’s there. I told Tristan I couldn’t walk away from either of you, and now I’m telling you, too. If you can’t handle it, it’s going to have to be you who goes. As long as you’re here, I’m fighting.”
