“Are you gonna grow your hair?” I suddenly asked, measuring the length of his hair against my fingers. Three inches…
“No.”
I pouted. “I miss it long.”
“Too bad.”
“There’s nothing I can do to convince you otherwise?” I seductively whispered in his ear.
He stopped and let go my legs. I jumped off of him just as he turned and kissed me breathlessly. His tongue crashed against mine; seconds in and I was already lightheaded with want. I was insatiable and judging by how quickly he hardened against me, so was he.
He picked me up again, this time with my chest against his. I wrapped my legs around his hips and he walked forward, over the hard uneven ground without one break in his stride. His hand moved under my shirt and down my spine. He palmed my ass and groaned, pressing me against his length and rocking me back and forth against it.
I could hardly kiss him. I panted against his mouth, already feeling the build-up.
When he started taking steps up the porch, I moved back and opened my eyes. I couldn’t believe we had already reached the cabin. He pushed the door open, and once inside he slowly eased me back to the floor, holding the end of my shirt. I raised my arms up and he threw it off. Walking backwards in the direction of the bedroom, I bit my lip in anticipation as he unbuttoned his jeans. His eyes, hooded with lust, roamed me up and down, lingering heavily on my breasts.
“Keep fucking me like this and I’ll grow my hair to my ass,” he muttered.
I laughed, stepping into the bedroom with my hands on the buttons of my shorts. I turned around, ready to shimmy out of them so he had the perfect view of my ass.
Then I froze.
My laughter died and my brain seized all function. Happiness dissipated and my blood ran cold.
I stared, wide-eyed, at two guns in the hands of two men. I felt Jaxon behind me, and I wondered what he looked like at this surprise. I couldn’t tear my eyes off of them to find out; my fear deemed me immobile.
“Didn’t do well hiding,” said one. He was bald, with a diamond piercing in one ear, wearing black pants and a black long sleeved top. He was broad chested, muscular by the look of his arms, and had tattoos snaking up his neck and stopping just below his ears.
The other, a blonde haired man in a trench coat, was taller with a slimmer build and pale, white skin. There was something incredibly off by him, and the look his black eyes were giving me was equivalent to the feel of cockroaches running up and down my arms. Sickened, I felt a twist of nausea at the pit of my stomach.
“Don’t know what he was on about,” mumbled the bald man, eyeing me now, “She’s easy on the eyes.”
“Yeah,” rasped the blonde man. “She’s fucking delectable.” As he said it, I covered my arms over my bra and abdomen.
I heard Jaxon’s hesitant breaths behind me. “If you’re here to kill me then let her go.”
I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the gun the bald man had directed at me. What a shit view to die with. I would have preferred something far more soothing: a sunset, in the eyes of someone I loved, even at a white fucking ceiling – anything but a goddamn gun!
“You know how orders are delivered,” replied the bald one, looking behind me at Jaxon. “Both of you are on the list. And do you wanna know the twisted part of this whole thing? He asked to rape and kill her in front of you.”
My eyes blurred and I blinked back hard. There was no use crying. I wanted to preserve my dignity and die with some ounce of fucking courage under my name.
The bald man pointed to the bed with his gun. “Get on there, sweetie. I promise I’ll be quick.”
I turned around abruptly and flung my arms around Jaxon’s neck. He hugged me tightly, his eyes never leaving them. Though he looked deceptively cool, his breaths were raggedy and short.
“I’m sorry,” he breathed against me.
I looked up at his face, memorizing the lines, the curves, every little thing I could use to mentally escape from what was to come.
I shook my head despairingly. “No sorrys. I love you.”
His whole body tensed and then trembled. “I love you.”
We stared at each other, communicating in the silence our love. I wasn’t saying good bye to him. I was telling him I’d see him again very soon. Whether there was an after-life or not, we were going to the same place. It was hauntingly peaceful coming to terms with that.
I turned away from him and climbed onto the bed, observing how frozen Jaxon stood with the blonde man’s gun pointed directly at him. I carefully watched as the bald man rested the gun on the night table and climbed in after me. He grabbed me suddenly by the hair and yanked me hard up to where the headboard was.
“This ain’t personal,” bald man whispered from somewhere behind me. “Rules are rules.”
He flipped me onto my back, and I didn’t fight it. I succumbed to obedience, going against my instincts to thrash with all my might. This was survival mode for me; whatever he was going to throw my way, I would take it, and not because I was weak, but because it might give me the one opportunity I’d prepared for a long time ago.
I looked up at the ceiling as he tore my shorts off, counting away at the wooden panels. From my peripheral I saw the blonde man shift from one foot to the other, as if he were antsy.
“Please,” Jaxon begged hoarsely. “Don’t do this to her. Please.”
Bald man paused and glanced over at Jaxon. “You open your mouth again and I’ll cut her fingers off and shove them down your throat.”
My body trembled at his words. I didn’t need to feed on my fear. I needed to remain calm. 12, 13, 14, 15…
I felt sweaty, foreign hands up my legs. I pressed my lips tight and fought the nausea begging its way out. Fingers touched at my entrance and it took everything in me not to sob. This was violation of the worst form. All of me stripped bare.
I was gone. My humility scrapped by a man who simply followed orders and would, without thought, forget me. I was the lowest form of being; a thing whose life meant nothing for the right price.
22, 23, 25 – shit, 24, 25, 26…
“This girl’s wet already.” His voice was softer, as if mesmerized by what he saw and felt.
“Well hurry the fuck up already,” grunted the blonde man. “I want my go.”
He didn’t hurry. He dragged his hands up and down my thighs and then at my entrance again. I felt him at my folds, opening and probing me.
I tried. God, I tried to leave my body and think of everything good in my life. But there was nothing good in my life. There had just been Jaxon, and that wasn’t enough anymore because he was being stripped from me again.
Hot breaths rode up my stomach and then my bra tugged harshly down until they sat around my ribcage.
Hot breaths on my breasts.
Hot breaths at on my neck.
35, 36, 37…
I shut my eyes and drowned out the noise of a belt unbuckling…
I slowly trailed my hand up. I felt the edge of the pillow and then I brought it underneath it. My legs spread apart and my breath hitched in my throat as his body sank in between them. I felt his hard flesh against my opening…
Something cold and hard was felt beneath the pillow. I gripped the switch blade and pressed the button on the handle. I opened my eyes. Focusing now on picking the perfect time to strike, I knew I couldn’t be hasty.
I kept my eyes focused at the wooden panels, counting away and waiting for him to sink into me. I heard Jaxon’s helpless panting from behind me, felt the man shudder above me, and then I felt the heaviness of his torso rest over me.
“Look at her,” said the blonde man in astonishment. “Slut isn’t even fighting back.”
Bald man’s face crashed into mine. His lips pressed roughly into my mouth as his hand clenched my chin and pulled my mouth down so he could swirl his tongue inside of me. The taste of smoke and mint would forever ruin me. I watched him with his eyes closed and his hand tightly wound around me – watched how distracted he was trying to bring himself into me. Watched with unbelievable focus because I knew what needed to be done and I knew I only had one chance.
This was it. Do it already!
I wrapped my free arm around his neck and pulled him deeper into my mouth, kissing him back with every bit of me until he groaned and pushed into me.
My heart hardened, my shaking subsided, and for an instant I felt like the world had stopped still and watched me morph from victim… to killer.
I plunged the blade into the side of his neck and right below the ear, grunting as I expelled every grain of strength in me. His body erupted like an earthquake, trying hard to pull away as I continued to tighten my hold around his neck with everything in me, sinking the blade in and in. Blood splattered everywhere and flowed freely out of the hole in him, covering my face, neck and torso in puddles. The more he fought me, the more the blade cut across his neck.
Loud noises erupted. I heard a body slam against a wall, the shouts of the blonde man and Jaxon roaring like an enraged animal. I remembered immediately the blond man had a gun. I let go of the bald man who staggered off of me with a hand to his neck; his eyes wide, his mouth open, his face the look of terror as the blood poured and poured right out of him. I’d caught him in the jugular vein. He’d bleed out in a matter of –
He made it three steps before he collapsed in a heap on the hardwood floors.
Jaxon was against the wall, fighting to get the gun out of the second man’s hand. They struggled and then I watched in horror as the blonde man’s fingers tightened around the trigger. A shot rang out, hitting the ceiling above us. And then another… And another…
Completely naked and dripping in another man’s blood, I staggered out of the bed and grabbed the gun off the night table. I aimed it at the killer’s back, every instinct telling me to pull the trigger, but I couldn’t. Would the bullet go through him and hit Jaxon? Would I miss? They were moving around unsteadily. What if I shot Jaxon?
Before I could think of anything else, I aimed the gun somewhere safer and away from Jaxon. And then I pulled the trigger.
The gun jumped from the force of the shot and knocked me back a step. I heard him scream in pain and watched his body fall to the ground, letting go of his gun as he grabbed at his foot with both hands.
Jaxon quickly kicked the gun away and clutched the man’s hair. He dragged him to the bed in one smooth stride.
“Keep the gun at him,” he demanded me.
I nodded, aiming it with less ease than before. I didn’t trust myself. I mean… I hadn’t even been aiming at his foot!
Jaxon looked down at the dead bald man sprawled on the floor, staining the hardwood with his blood. He bent down and unfastened the belt that he’d worn. When it was off, he turned to the quivering, pained blonde man and wrapped it around his neck. He tied the belt against the bar of the bed, tightening it until the man wheezed for air.
“Wh-Wh-What are you doing?” It was coming back to me fast. What the hell had I just done? Did I just… Did I just kill a man?
No.
No.
I let him violate me first. Let him being the operative word so that I could kill him.
Jaxon watched as my sanity declined. “Don’t think right now, Sara. Think later. Right now we act. Okay?”
I nodded, but I was thinking still.
He pulled a sheet off the bed and wrapped it around me as best he could without letting the blood at the end of it touch me. As the man behind us writhed, Jaxon took the gun off of me.
“I need you out of this room,” he told me. His face had changed. The darkness in him peeked out at me; a cold mask that chilled me to the bone and yet… comforted me too.
“Wh-What are you g-going to d-do?”
“I’m going to get some answers. Now get out, and wait for me.”
I moved my legs, astounded I could even move at all! I stared at the blonde: one hand wrapped around the belt tugging at his neck and the other around his foot. His eyes flickered to mine; he was no longer the coolheaded killer bent on waiting for his turn to fuck me. Fear had absorbed into his every feature and his lips quivered.
I knew… I knew this was the last time I would see him alive.
*****
I jumped at the first scream. I wrapped the covers tighter around me, but my body wound up like a string, waiting with restrained breath for the next.
He tortured him for hours… and hours. I thought the screams were bad at first, but then I really heard them – the terrified shrill that could scare away a grizzly bear. He’d scream “I don’t know” over and over again, until his voice became raspy and hoarse from overuse.
Never during those hours did I hear Jaxon’s voice. He must have been speaking quietly, and I didn’t know if that disturbed me more than if he’d screamed back demanding whatever it was he was wanting answers to.
I hated myself for feeling my chest ache at the sobs that now emitted from the closed bedroom door. He sounded desperate and helpless. I didn’t know if I wanted him to die. Did he really deserve it? Yes, my mind screamed. It was still too difficult to listen to. I put my hands over my ears and closed my eyes. This man would have raped and killed me otherwise. He would have enjoyed it, too. That’s not human.
But what is human? What defined right and wrong if not for the social morals implemented in every one of us since birth? Are monsters born or are they made? And if they are made, is that really their fault or is it the product of their upbringing?
I hurt Jaxon. I learned young what hatred and anger was. I was at its receiving end. And it crept on me when I least expected it because although I knew that it was wrong to hurt and hate, I’d always thought that was the last thing that would ever happen to me. Yet it did. Those who least expect the worst are those at most risk. I became a poison to my surroundings and hadn’t even realized it until it was too late.
“No.”
I pouted. “I miss it long.”
“Too bad.”
“There’s nothing I can do to convince you otherwise?” I seductively whispered in his ear.
He stopped and let go my legs. I jumped off of him just as he turned and kissed me breathlessly. His tongue crashed against mine; seconds in and I was already lightheaded with want. I was insatiable and judging by how quickly he hardened against me, so was he.
He picked me up again, this time with my chest against his. I wrapped my legs around his hips and he walked forward, over the hard uneven ground without one break in his stride. His hand moved under my shirt and down my spine. He palmed my ass and groaned, pressing me against his length and rocking me back and forth against it.
I could hardly kiss him. I panted against his mouth, already feeling the build-up.
When he started taking steps up the porch, I moved back and opened my eyes. I couldn’t believe we had already reached the cabin. He pushed the door open, and once inside he slowly eased me back to the floor, holding the end of my shirt. I raised my arms up and he threw it off. Walking backwards in the direction of the bedroom, I bit my lip in anticipation as he unbuttoned his jeans. His eyes, hooded with lust, roamed me up and down, lingering heavily on my breasts.
“Keep fucking me like this and I’ll grow my hair to my ass,” he muttered.
I laughed, stepping into the bedroom with my hands on the buttons of my shorts. I turned around, ready to shimmy out of them so he had the perfect view of my ass.
Then I froze.
My laughter died and my brain seized all function. Happiness dissipated and my blood ran cold.
I stared, wide-eyed, at two guns in the hands of two men. I felt Jaxon behind me, and I wondered what he looked like at this surprise. I couldn’t tear my eyes off of them to find out; my fear deemed me immobile.
“Didn’t do well hiding,” said one. He was bald, with a diamond piercing in one ear, wearing black pants and a black long sleeved top. He was broad chested, muscular by the look of his arms, and had tattoos snaking up his neck and stopping just below his ears.
The other, a blonde haired man in a trench coat, was taller with a slimmer build and pale, white skin. There was something incredibly off by him, and the look his black eyes were giving me was equivalent to the feel of cockroaches running up and down my arms. Sickened, I felt a twist of nausea at the pit of my stomach.
“Don’t know what he was on about,” mumbled the bald man, eyeing me now, “She’s easy on the eyes.”
“Yeah,” rasped the blonde man. “She’s fucking delectable.” As he said it, I covered my arms over my bra and abdomen.
I heard Jaxon’s hesitant breaths behind me. “If you’re here to kill me then let her go.”
I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the gun the bald man had directed at me. What a shit view to die with. I would have preferred something far more soothing: a sunset, in the eyes of someone I loved, even at a white fucking ceiling – anything but a goddamn gun!
“You know how orders are delivered,” replied the bald one, looking behind me at Jaxon. “Both of you are on the list. And do you wanna know the twisted part of this whole thing? He asked to rape and kill her in front of you.”
My eyes blurred and I blinked back hard. There was no use crying. I wanted to preserve my dignity and die with some ounce of fucking courage under my name.
The bald man pointed to the bed with his gun. “Get on there, sweetie. I promise I’ll be quick.”
I turned around abruptly and flung my arms around Jaxon’s neck. He hugged me tightly, his eyes never leaving them. Though he looked deceptively cool, his breaths were raggedy and short.
“I’m sorry,” he breathed against me.
I looked up at his face, memorizing the lines, the curves, every little thing I could use to mentally escape from what was to come.
I shook my head despairingly. “No sorrys. I love you.”
His whole body tensed and then trembled. “I love you.”
We stared at each other, communicating in the silence our love. I wasn’t saying good bye to him. I was telling him I’d see him again very soon. Whether there was an after-life or not, we were going to the same place. It was hauntingly peaceful coming to terms with that.
I turned away from him and climbed onto the bed, observing how frozen Jaxon stood with the blonde man’s gun pointed directly at him. I carefully watched as the bald man rested the gun on the night table and climbed in after me. He grabbed me suddenly by the hair and yanked me hard up to where the headboard was.
“This ain’t personal,” bald man whispered from somewhere behind me. “Rules are rules.”
He flipped me onto my back, and I didn’t fight it. I succumbed to obedience, going against my instincts to thrash with all my might. This was survival mode for me; whatever he was going to throw my way, I would take it, and not because I was weak, but because it might give me the one opportunity I’d prepared for a long time ago.
I looked up at the ceiling as he tore my shorts off, counting away at the wooden panels. From my peripheral I saw the blonde man shift from one foot to the other, as if he were antsy.
“Please,” Jaxon begged hoarsely. “Don’t do this to her. Please.”
Bald man paused and glanced over at Jaxon. “You open your mouth again and I’ll cut her fingers off and shove them down your throat.”
My body trembled at his words. I didn’t need to feed on my fear. I needed to remain calm. 12, 13, 14, 15…
I felt sweaty, foreign hands up my legs. I pressed my lips tight and fought the nausea begging its way out. Fingers touched at my entrance and it took everything in me not to sob. This was violation of the worst form. All of me stripped bare.
I was gone. My humility scrapped by a man who simply followed orders and would, without thought, forget me. I was the lowest form of being; a thing whose life meant nothing for the right price.
22, 23, 25 – shit, 24, 25, 26…
“This girl’s wet already.” His voice was softer, as if mesmerized by what he saw and felt.
“Well hurry the fuck up already,” grunted the blonde man. “I want my go.”
He didn’t hurry. He dragged his hands up and down my thighs and then at my entrance again. I felt him at my folds, opening and probing me.
I tried. God, I tried to leave my body and think of everything good in my life. But there was nothing good in my life. There had just been Jaxon, and that wasn’t enough anymore because he was being stripped from me again.
Hot breaths rode up my stomach and then my bra tugged harshly down until they sat around my ribcage.
Hot breaths on my breasts.
Hot breaths at on my neck.
35, 36, 37…
I shut my eyes and drowned out the noise of a belt unbuckling…
I slowly trailed my hand up. I felt the edge of the pillow and then I brought it underneath it. My legs spread apart and my breath hitched in my throat as his body sank in between them. I felt his hard flesh against my opening…
Something cold and hard was felt beneath the pillow. I gripped the switch blade and pressed the button on the handle. I opened my eyes. Focusing now on picking the perfect time to strike, I knew I couldn’t be hasty.
I kept my eyes focused at the wooden panels, counting away and waiting for him to sink into me. I heard Jaxon’s helpless panting from behind me, felt the man shudder above me, and then I felt the heaviness of his torso rest over me.
“Look at her,” said the blonde man in astonishment. “Slut isn’t even fighting back.”
Bald man’s face crashed into mine. His lips pressed roughly into my mouth as his hand clenched my chin and pulled my mouth down so he could swirl his tongue inside of me. The taste of smoke and mint would forever ruin me. I watched him with his eyes closed and his hand tightly wound around me – watched how distracted he was trying to bring himself into me. Watched with unbelievable focus because I knew what needed to be done and I knew I only had one chance.
This was it. Do it already!
I wrapped my free arm around his neck and pulled him deeper into my mouth, kissing him back with every bit of me until he groaned and pushed into me.
My heart hardened, my shaking subsided, and for an instant I felt like the world had stopped still and watched me morph from victim… to killer.
I plunged the blade into the side of his neck and right below the ear, grunting as I expelled every grain of strength in me. His body erupted like an earthquake, trying hard to pull away as I continued to tighten my hold around his neck with everything in me, sinking the blade in and in. Blood splattered everywhere and flowed freely out of the hole in him, covering my face, neck and torso in puddles. The more he fought me, the more the blade cut across his neck.
Loud noises erupted. I heard a body slam against a wall, the shouts of the blonde man and Jaxon roaring like an enraged animal. I remembered immediately the blond man had a gun. I let go of the bald man who staggered off of me with a hand to his neck; his eyes wide, his mouth open, his face the look of terror as the blood poured and poured right out of him. I’d caught him in the jugular vein. He’d bleed out in a matter of –
He made it three steps before he collapsed in a heap on the hardwood floors.
Jaxon was against the wall, fighting to get the gun out of the second man’s hand. They struggled and then I watched in horror as the blonde man’s fingers tightened around the trigger. A shot rang out, hitting the ceiling above us. And then another… And another…
Completely naked and dripping in another man’s blood, I staggered out of the bed and grabbed the gun off the night table. I aimed it at the killer’s back, every instinct telling me to pull the trigger, but I couldn’t. Would the bullet go through him and hit Jaxon? Would I miss? They were moving around unsteadily. What if I shot Jaxon?
Before I could think of anything else, I aimed the gun somewhere safer and away from Jaxon. And then I pulled the trigger.
The gun jumped from the force of the shot and knocked me back a step. I heard him scream in pain and watched his body fall to the ground, letting go of his gun as he grabbed at his foot with both hands.
Jaxon quickly kicked the gun away and clutched the man’s hair. He dragged him to the bed in one smooth stride.
“Keep the gun at him,” he demanded me.
I nodded, aiming it with less ease than before. I didn’t trust myself. I mean… I hadn’t even been aiming at his foot!
Jaxon looked down at the dead bald man sprawled on the floor, staining the hardwood with his blood. He bent down and unfastened the belt that he’d worn. When it was off, he turned to the quivering, pained blonde man and wrapped it around his neck. He tied the belt against the bar of the bed, tightening it until the man wheezed for air.
“Wh-Wh-What are you doing?” It was coming back to me fast. What the hell had I just done? Did I just… Did I just kill a man?
No.
No.
I let him violate me first. Let him being the operative word so that I could kill him.
Jaxon watched as my sanity declined. “Don’t think right now, Sara. Think later. Right now we act. Okay?”
I nodded, but I was thinking still.
He pulled a sheet off the bed and wrapped it around me as best he could without letting the blood at the end of it touch me. As the man behind us writhed, Jaxon took the gun off of me.
“I need you out of this room,” he told me. His face had changed. The darkness in him peeked out at me; a cold mask that chilled me to the bone and yet… comforted me too.
“Wh-What are you g-going to d-do?”
“I’m going to get some answers. Now get out, and wait for me.”
I moved my legs, astounded I could even move at all! I stared at the blonde: one hand wrapped around the belt tugging at his neck and the other around his foot. His eyes flickered to mine; he was no longer the coolheaded killer bent on waiting for his turn to fuck me. Fear had absorbed into his every feature and his lips quivered.
I knew… I knew this was the last time I would see him alive.
*****
I jumped at the first scream. I wrapped the covers tighter around me, but my body wound up like a string, waiting with restrained breath for the next.
He tortured him for hours… and hours. I thought the screams were bad at first, but then I really heard them – the terrified shrill that could scare away a grizzly bear. He’d scream “I don’t know” over and over again, until his voice became raspy and hoarse from overuse.
Never during those hours did I hear Jaxon’s voice. He must have been speaking quietly, and I didn’t know if that disturbed me more than if he’d screamed back demanding whatever it was he was wanting answers to.
I hated myself for feeling my chest ache at the sobs that now emitted from the closed bedroom door. He sounded desperate and helpless. I didn’t know if I wanted him to die. Did he really deserve it? Yes, my mind screamed. It was still too difficult to listen to. I put my hands over my ears and closed my eyes. This man would have raped and killed me otherwise. He would have enjoyed it, too. That’s not human.
But what is human? What defined right and wrong if not for the social morals implemented in every one of us since birth? Are monsters born or are they made? And if they are made, is that really their fault or is it the product of their upbringing?
I hurt Jaxon. I learned young what hatred and anger was. I was at its receiving end. And it crept on me when I least expected it because although I knew that it was wrong to hurt and hate, I’d always thought that was the last thing that would ever happen to me. Yet it did. Those who least expect the worst are those at most risk. I became a poison to my surroundings and hadn’t even realized it until it was too late.
