A shaggy red-haired old man by the name of Wilson was next up. He was the secretary of the club, answering calls, setting up meetings and reporting to the President. You never saw him without a cigar in his hand, and if it wasn’t in his mouth, he was usually telling the most crude, sexually explicit jokes that disgusted even the men.
The rest were patch members: Tray, Russo, Finn and Vince, all young looking guys with errands of their own. They all took the piss out of the prospects that were currently running around serving everybody drinks. One in particular was a twiggy young man they derogatorily called Broom. I think his real name was Steve.
I was surprised to find Frank was there, too, hovering in the background. The businessman who’d bought Mom’s furniture had sometimes invaded my thoughts. I got the impression he’d known her somehow. He didn’t really greet me. He just watched me with an unhappy look on his face.
Then, of course, there was Manny – though everybody just called him Prez. The man didn’t have a friendly bone in his body, but I suppose intimidation is key if you’re the president of a testosterone fuelled biker club, so I tried not to take it personally. I didn’t like being watched by his iridescent blue eyes. It made me self-conscious and a little afraid, especially when he wore his frown like a permanent feature.
I kept to Remy’s side and he eventually led us to a round table where he plopped down on the chair and forced me in his lap. There were a ridiculous amount of looks our way, curious eyes lingering over the muscled arm around my waist. It’s not that I was uncomfortable sitting on him, it’s more I read into the message he was sending to everyone around us. That I was his. In my heart I knew I wasn’t. But what choice did I have? It was a difficult situation that would have humiliated him if I’d tried to get away.
As the night progressed into loud music and alcohol, I quickly learned that the men I’d grown up fearing and staying away from were normal everyday people. Yeah, there was more to it than that, but you could see they were bound by a brotherhood that went far deeper than running a club, doing illegal shit, and riding motorcycles. It was family. There was love here.
It was easy to sit back and admire it, and after being so alone for so long, a little bit of me wanted to be part of it, too. I wanted to feel that kind of love and be welcomed into the family. The allure was deeply present. I was falling further into the rabbit hole where a fucked up yet amazingly soulful reality existed. Only I knew deep down it wasn’t where I belonged, but desperation made me want to try.
By evening, a crowd of people flooded into the clubhouse. A handful of them were hangarounds looking for a place in the club. The others were scantily clad women clearly in search of a bikie to root. They were the regulars who already had their guys picked out. I went tense watching a few them look around the room in search of a particular face. Any second I was waiting for Remy to be approached by his own regular.
It’s not my business if he wants a woman, I thought. He hadn’t pressed me at all for anything sexual, thank God. I couldn’t think of anything more awkward than having to turn him down if he’d made a move. After a while I was paranoid that his wanting more from me was something I’d conjured up in my head. Although it gave me relief at the possibility, I knew how small it was. He’d put me on his lap, dammit. That was statement enough. But whether he was a faithful type of guy or not, I didn’t know.
I was introduced to a couple other old ladies: Dayna who belonged to Manny, and Tessa who belonged to Wilson. They never shut up. As they talked to me, Remy left to join with the men around the bar, sidling up next to Logan and Fritz. I discreetly noticed a handful of women were looking over at him, and they slowly eased their way around the three men.
Not my business, my brain reiterated. I was in love with another man. I shouldn’t be feeling anything for Remy. It was wrong. Purely needy emotions based on my four weeks of solitude and his undying attention to me...that he suddenly wasn’t giving me.
I excused myself from Tessa and Dayna and went to the toilet. There I sat for a long period of time listening in on the voices flooding from all areas of the clubhouse. An absurd amount of giggles from an absurd amount of women had me rolling my eyes. Just what did these women find so appealing about sleeping with men who clearly put them in the root-zone? They were nothing more than a no strings attached fuck. Just like what you were to Daniel, I bitterly piped in. Wow, I just totally got owned… by myself. Could there be anything sadder?
I hadn’t thought about Daniel in a long while. Not since the night Remy had told me what a deceiving little snake he was. I wished that whole arrangement had never happened. I was a stupidly naïve girl, but that was another lifetime ago, and I was changing into someone else all over again.
I left the bathroom after some time. When I re-entered the room, I found a hell of a lot more women centred around Remy and Logan. Fritz was nowhere to be seen. With Remy’s back to me, I didn’t know if he was staring at the women in front of him dancing provocatively, or at Logan. The second a manicured hand from a beautiful brunette trailed her fingers down his arm, I decided to get away.
I hurried up the second level and to Remy’s room. The music was muffled up here, but the sounds of sex were loud as hell from a couple rooms. This was obviously the not so tasteful side of the Jackals.
Inside the room, I stood with my back against the door feeling like Ugly Sara all over again; lost and alone even when I had been surrounded by people. How the fuck did that make any sense? He left you to be with his friends and those girls… I wanted to shut my brain up. Stupid, needy Sara.
I pulled out some clothes from the dresser that Remy had placed for me. They weren’t over the top, thank God. Just normal, oversized bum jammies I felt comfortable in. I unbuttoned my jeans and went to pull them down, but a crinkly sound had me stopping abruptly. The second I stopped moving, the noise went away. So I tried again, pulling my jeans down and hearing, once more, a crinkly noise.
I placed my hand over the pockets of my jeans. The right one bulged noticeably and crinkled loudly when I pushed against it. Bewildered, I put my hand in my pocket and pulled out a folded up piece of paper. I’d never felt the bulge or heard the noise before in the last few hours. Where had the paper come from?
I turned on the light and hastily unwrapped the neatly folded up little square. Once it was opened, I stared down at a phone number… but my heart raced at the line beneath it.
Call this number, Tiny.
Tiny. My eyes immediately watered and my hands shook. Only one person ever called me Tiny. Was it him? Oh, God, it had to be him!
My body was racing with anxiety and purpose. I looked around the room, unable to think rationally and seeking only one thing: a phone!
The angels of mercy were smiling down at me tonight. Remy had left his cell phone behind on the dresser. I grabbed it and rushed into the bathroom, locking it shut behind me. Booming a chorus of hope within me, my heart roared like thunder in my chest.
I shakily dialled each number and then put the phone to my ear. Closing my eyes, I pressed my lips together and waited. It rang six times – six unfathomably long, dreadful times.
Then it picked up.
I didn’t hear anything on the other end, not even background noise. For a few seconds, there was nothing but silence with me holding my breath as I waited anxiously for the voice I wanted to hear.
Still, there was nothing.
Why wasn’t he talking? Maybe he’s waiting for you.
“Jaxon?” I whispered, feeling hot tears run down my cheeks.
A loud exhale sounded from the other end. “Sara.”
That voice! That beautiful voice! I’d forgotten the beauty of it.
My heart burst through my chest. “Oh, my God. I-I…” I didn’t know what to say. It’d felt like eons since I’d last heard from him.
“Are you alright?” he asked softly.
“I’m-I’m…” I tried to breathe through my stammers.
“You were attacked. I know all about that, Tiny. I need to know if you’re okay. Did he hurt you?” The concern in his voice only brook on more tears. “Sara, speak to me.”
“I’m okay.”
Another exhale. “Fuck, I was so fucking worried, Sara.”
“I miss you so much.” The words began pouring right out of me. “You need to get me out of here. I need you so much, Jaxon. Help me get out of here. I don’t think he’ll let me go. Please, please, please, please…”
There were a few long moments of silence on his end. Why was he being so quiet? Quiet was never fucking good. I suddenly had a very bad feeling in my chest.
“Sara,” his voice, no longer filled with concern, was now firm. “There was a deal made–”
“I know all about it,” I interrupted. “It’s okay. We can find a way, right? You can find a way and we’ll get out of this and–”
“You were going to leave.”
His words knocked the air right out of me. I stared speechlessly ahead. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck no.
“The crash was two blocks passed the apartment. Explain that to me, Sara.” When I didn’t, he pressed. “Explain to me why you weren’t dropped off at the apartment.”
I rubbed my eyes and sighed. Honesty is sometimes a bitch, right? “I was going to go home. I chose it because… because I’d found out what really goes on in your club and I didn’t want to be passed around.”
“You really think I would have allowed that to happen to you, Sara?” Disbelief emerged in his voice. “You don’t think I’d have protected you from that kind of thing?”
“Would you have been able to?” I rebutted. Damien had made it clear there was no getting out of it. Once you’re in, you’re their property. It had been painted pretty black and white to me.
“I would have found a way,” was his response.
“In other words, no.”
“I would have found a way,” he stressed again tightly. “I’d have died before I let someone else touch you. You promised me, Sara. You promised the long haul and broke it within hours.”
“Jaxon–”
“You threw me under the bus. Told him about Brett. Now I’m stuck on this side and I can’t help you–”
“He put me in a room with nowhere to go,” I cried.
“And I would have found you!” he angrily retorted. “Just like I have now! I’d have found you and brought you back.”
“Then take me back. I’m out of there now.”
“The deal’s been made, Sara. There’s no fixing this. If I rock the boat, hell’s going to break loose. It’d be selfish of me to risk every Scorpion’s life because I want a woman who freely threw me under the bus with the enemy. You’re his property now, Sara. That was his act of retaliation.”
Shock.
Hopelessness.
Horrible chest pains. This was heartbreak over and over again – the never ending constant in my life. He was going to let me go.
“I love you so much,” I whispered. Low blow, I know. I wanted him to hear my love and take back those words. There’s always a way. He’ll find a way—
“Sara, you know I’ll always love you.” Fuck, was he really ending this?
“Then help me get out of here because there’s no way I can on my own. They’ve got cameras and men everywhere–”
“I can’t help you,” he interrupted again, sterner than before.
I exhaled hopelessly. “So that’s it, then? You’re just going to leave me prisoner here?”
“It’s out of my hands. I can’t… I can’t do anything to help you. I’m powerless.”
“You have to do something! Please, Jaxon. Please, please.”
“It’s done. You can’t get out of this.”
“You’re going to abandon me? Just leave me here like nothing? How could you–”
“If you hadn’t run off, if you’d just decided to stay like you promised, none of this would have happened! None of it. You broke your word and now you’re going to have to live with it. My heart hurts, Sara. It can’t handle any more of this. I tried. I tried my damn fucking hardest for you and you walked away. I can’t take your uncertainty anymore!”
I wiped away the tears and nodded ahead. There really was no way to fix this, and it would have been horrible of me to press him to. He was in a shit situation and I’d broken my promise. Again. But fuck, it wasn’t as if I did it maliciously.
“Just say the words, Jaxon,” I whispered in resignation, “Tell me you’re done with me. Get it over with already.”
“Sara,” he paused, and I could hear his deep ragged breaths, filling the silence until he finished. “I have others depending on me. I can’t do this. I have to let you go.”
Tears fell from my eyes. “Okay.”
“Sara, they’ll take care of you better than I ever could–”
“How do you know that?”
“Because their security is the best. I couldn’t offer the same thing. The truth is the Jackals are stronger, and right now you need protection if someone is intent on wanting you dead.”
“Jaxon, please–”
“Stop begging, Sara. It’s done.”
“Fine,” I angrily wiped the tears from my eyes. “You want to leave me here? You want to let me go? Then do it. Move on and… and take care of yourself.”
“Sara–”
I immediately ended the call. I set the phone down harshly and bent forward, holding my arms around my stomach. I felt sick. So damn sick, my head was spinning. I nearly threw up right there on the spot from the anxiety swimming in my belly. I’d deserved it. I knew that. I’d have stupidly left him by listening to another man when I should have just stayed.
The rest were patch members: Tray, Russo, Finn and Vince, all young looking guys with errands of their own. They all took the piss out of the prospects that were currently running around serving everybody drinks. One in particular was a twiggy young man they derogatorily called Broom. I think his real name was Steve.
I was surprised to find Frank was there, too, hovering in the background. The businessman who’d bought Mom’s furniture had sometimes invaded my thoughts. I got the impression he’d known her somehow. He didn’t really greet me. He just watched me with an unhappy look on his face.
Then, of course, there was Manny – though everybody just called him Prez. The man didn’t have a friendly bone in his body, but I suppose intimidation is key if you’re the president of a testosterone fuelled biker club, so I tried not to take it personally. I didn’t like being watched by his iridescent blue eyes. It made me self-conscious and a little afraid, especially when he wore his frown like a permanent feature.
I kept to Remy’s side and he eventually led us to a round table where he plopped down on the chair and forced me in his lap. There were a ridiculous amount of looks our way, curious eyes lingering over the muscled arm around my waist. It’s not that I was uncomfortable sitting on him, it’s more I read into the message he was sending to everyone around us. That I was his. In my heart I knew I wasn’t. But what choice did I have? It was a difficult situation that would have humiliated him if I’d tried to get away.
As the night progressed into loud music and alcohol, I quickly learned that the men I’d grown up fearing and staying away from were normal everyday people. Yeah, there was more to it than that, but you could see they were bound by a brotherhood that went far deeper than running a club, doing illegal shit, and riding motorcycles. It was family. There was love here.
It was easy to sit back and admire it, and after being so alone for so long, a little bit of me wanted to be part of it, too. I wanted to feel that kind of love and be welcomed into the family. The allure was deeply present. I was falling further into the rabbit hole where a fucked up yet amazingly soulful reality existed. Only I knew deep down it wasn’t where I belonged, but desperation made me want to try.
By evening, a crowd of people flooded into the clubhouse. A handful of them were hangarounds looking for a place in the club. The others were scantily clad women clearly in search of a bikie to root. They were the regulars who already had their guys picked out. I went tense watching a few them look around the room in search of a particular face. Any second I was waiting for Remy to be approached by his own regular.
It’s not my business if he wants a woman, I thought. He hadn’t pressed me at all for anything sexual, thank God. I couldn’t think of anything more awkward than having to turn him down if he’d made a move. After a while I was paranoid that his wanting more from me was something I’d conjured up in my head. Although it gave me relief at the possibility, I knew how small it was. He’d put me on his lap, dammit. That was statement enough. But whether he was a faithful type of guy or not, I didn’t know.
I was introduced to a couple other old ladies: Dayna who belonged to Manny, and Tessa who belonged to Wilson. They never shut up. As they talked to me, Remy left to join with the men around the bar, sidling up next to Logan and Fritz. I discreetly noticed a handful of women were looking over at him, and they slowly eased their way around the three men.
Not my business, my brain reiterated. I was in love with another man. I shouldn’t be feeling anything for Remy. It was wrong. Purely needy emotions based on my four weeks of solitude and his undying attention to me...that he suddenly wasn’t giving me.
I excused myself from Tessa and Dayna and went to the toilet. There I sat for a long period of time listening in on the voices flooding from all areas of the clubhouse. An absurd amount of giggles from an absurd amount of women had me rolling my eyes. Just what did these women find so appealing about sleeping with men who clearly put them in the root-zone? They were nothing more than a no strings attached fuck. Just like what you were to Daniel, I bitterly piped in. Wow, I just totally got owned… by myself. Could there be anything sadder?
I hadn’t thought about Daniel in a long while. Not since the night Remy had told me what a deceiving little snake he was. I wished that whole arrangement had never happened. I was a stupidly naïve girl, but that was another lifetime ago, and I was changing into someone else all over again.
I left the bathroom after some time. When I re-entered the room, I found a hell of a lot more women centred around Remy and Logan. Fritz was nowhere to be seen. With Remy’s back to me, I didn’t know if he was staring at the women in front of him dancing provocatively, or at Logan. The second a manicured hand from a beautiful brunette trailed her fingers down his arm, I decided to get away.
I hurried up the second level and to Remy’s room. The music was muffled up here, but the sounds of sex were loud as hell from a couple rooms. This was obviously the not so tasteful side of the Jackals.
Inside the room, I stood with my back against the door feeling like Ugly Sara all over again; lost and alone even when I had been surrounded by people. How the fuck did that make any sense? He left you to be with his friends and those girls… I wanted to shut my brain up. Stupid, needy Sara.
I pulled out some clothes from the dresser that Remy had placed for me. They weren’t over the top, thank God. Just normal, oversized bum jammies I felt comfortable in. I unbuttoned my jeans and went to pull them down, but a crinkly sound had me stopping abruptly. The second I stopped moving, the noise went away. So I tried again, pulling my jeans down and hearing, once more, a crinkly noise.
I placed my hand over the pockets of my jeans. The right one bulged noticeably and crinkled loudly when I pushed against it. Bewildered, I put my hand in my pocket and pulled out a folded up piece of paper. I’d never felt the bulge or heard the noise before in the last few hours. Where had the paper come from?
I turned on the light and hastily unwrapped the neatly folded up little square. Once it was opened, I stared down at a phone number… but my heart raced at the line beneath it.
Call this number, Tiny.
Tiny. My eyes immediately watered and my hands shook. Only one person ever called me Tiny. Was it him? Oh, God, it had to be him!
My body was racing with anxiety and purpose. I looked around the room, unable to think rationally and seeking only one thing: a phone!
The angels of mercy were smiling down at me tonight. Remy had left his cell phone behind on the dresser. I grabbed it and rushed into the bathroom, locking it shut behind me. Booming a chorus of hope within me, my heart roared like thunder in my chest.
I shakily dialled each number and then put the phone to my ear. Closing my eyes, I pressed my lips together and waited. It rang six times – six unfathomably long, dreadful times.
Then it picked up.
I didn’t hear anything on the other end, not even background noise. For a few seconds, there was nothing but silence with me holding my breath as I waited anxiously for the voice I wanted to hear.
Still, there was nothing.
Why wasn’t he talking? Maybe he’s waiting for you.
“Jaxon?” I whispered, feeling hot tears run down my cheeks.
A loud exhale sounded from the other end. “Sara.”
That voice! That beautiful voice! I’d forgotten the beauty of it.
My heart burst through my chest. “Oh, my God. I-I…” I didn’t know what to say. It’d felt like eons since I’d last heard from him.
“Are you alright?” he asked softly.
“I’m-I’m…” I tried to breathe through my stammers.
“You were attacked. I know all about that, Tiny. I need to know if you’re okay. Did he hurt you?” The concern in his voice only brook on more tears. “Sara, speak to me.”
“I’m okay.”
Another exhale. “Fuck, I was so fucking worried, Sara.”
“I miss you so much.” The words began pouring right out of me. “You need to get me out of here. I need you so much, Jaxon. Help me get out of here. I don’t think he’ll let me go. Please, please, please, please…”
There were a few long moments of silence on his end. Why was he being so quiet? Quiet was never fucking good. I suddenly had a very bad feeling in my chest.
“Sara,” his voice, no longer filled with concern, was now firm. “There was a deal made–”
“I know all about it,” I interrupted. “It’s okay. We can find a way, right? You can find a way and we’ll get out of this and–”
“You were going to leave.”
His words knocked the air right out of me. I stared speechlessly ahead. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck no.
“The crash was two blocks passed the apartment. Explain that to me, Sara.” When I didn’t, he pressed. “Explain to me why you weren’t dropped off at the apartment.”
I rubbed my eyes and sighed. Honesty is sometimes a bitch, right? “I was going to go home. I chose it because… because I’d found out what really goes on in your club and I didn’t want to be passed around.”
“You really think I would have allowed that to happen to you, Sara?” Disbelief emerged in his voice. “You don’t think I’d have protected you from that kind of thing?”
“Would you have been able to?” I rebutted. Damien had made it clear there was no getting out of it. Once you’re in, you’re their property. It had been painted pretty black and white to me.
“I would have found a way,” was his response.
“In other words, no.”
“I would have found a way,” he stressed again tightly. “I’d have died before I let someone else touch you. You promised me, Sara. You promised the long haul and broke it within hours.”
“Jaxon–”
“You threw me under the bus. Told him about Brett. Now I’m stuck on this side and I can’t help you–”
“He put me in a room with nowhere to go,” I cried.
“And I would have found you!” he angrily retorted. “Just like I have now! I’d have found you and brought you back.”
“Then take me back. I’m out of there now.”
“The deal’s been made, Sara. There’s no fixing this. If I rock the boat, hell’s going to break loose. It’d be selfish of me to risk every Scorpion’s life because I want a woman who freely threw me under the bus with the enemy. You’re his property now, Sara. That was his act of retaliation.”
Shock.
Hopelessness.
Horrible chest pains. This was heartbreak over and over again – the never ending constant in my life. He was going to let me go.
“I love you so much,” I whispered. Low blow, I know. I wanted him to hear my love and take back those words. There’s always a way. He’ll find a way—
“Sara, you know I’ll always love you.” Fuck, was he really ending this?
“Then help me get out of here because there’s no way I can on my own. They’ve got cameras and men everywhere–”
“I can’t help you,” he interrupted again, sterner than before.
I exhaled hopelessly. “So that’s it, then? You’re just going to leave me prisoner here?”
“It’s out of my hands. I can’t… I can’t do anything to help you. I’m powerless.”
“You have to do something! Please, Jaxon. Please, please.”
“It’s done. You can’t get out of this.”
“You’re going to abandon me? Just leave me here like nothing? How could you–”
“If you hadn’t run off, if you’d just decided to stay like you promised, none of this would have happened! None of it. You broke your word and now you’re going to have to live with it. My heart hurts, Sara. It can’t handle any more of this. I tried. I tried my damn fucking hardest for you and you walked away. I can’t take your uncertainty anymore!”
I wiped away the tears and nodded ahead. There really was no way to fix this, and it would have been horrible of me to press him to. He was in a shit situation and I’d broken my promise. Again. But fuck, it wasn’t as if I did it maliciously.
“Just say the words, Jaxon,” I whispered in resignation, “Tell me you’re done with me. Get it over with already.”
“Sara,” he paused, and I could hear his deep ragged breaths, filling the silence until he finished. “I have others depending on me. I can’t do this. I have to let you go.”
Tears fell from my eyes. “Okay.”
“Sara, they’ll take care of you better than I ever could–”
“How do you know that?”
“Because their security is the best. I couldn’t offer the same thing. The truth is the Jackals are stronger, and right now you need protection if someone is intent on wanting you dead.”
“Jaxon, please–”
“Stop begging, Sara. It’s done.”
“Fine,” I angrily wiped the tears from my eyes. “You want to leave me here? You want to let me go? Then do it. Move on and… and take care of yourself.”
“Sara–”
I immediately ended the call. I set the phone down harshly and bent forward, holding my arms around my stomach. I felt sick. So damn sick, my head was spinning. I nearly threw up right there on the spot from the anxiety swimming in my belly. I’d deserved it. I knew that. I’d have stupidly left him by listening to another man when I should have just stayed.
