Capturing Peace
Page 20
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Coen raised one eyebrow at me. “Don’t you?”
“I do, but I’m asking you.”
He stayed quiet for a few moments as he thought, and for a while, I didn’t think he would answer me. “I don’t do relationships, Reagan. I’ve just never been that guy . . . I’ve always thought they were pointless, to tell you the truth. I didn’t want to deal with the headache of them. And, Duchess, you are proving to be one massive headache that I can’t seem to get enough of.” He smiled, but it quickly fell.
This was so not going where I thought it’d been about to. “Then why?”
“You want to know why I want this? Why the guy who thinks relationships are a waste of time wants the girl who’s scared of them so goddamn bad?” When I nodded, he swallowed hard and looked away for a few seconds. When he finally looked back at me, his face was somber. “Because I found someone who chases away my demons just by looking at me. I had a girl more or less fall into my arms who can make me forget everything just by saying my name. Why wouldn’t I push for this?”
My mouth fell open at his words, and I just sat there staring at him. I couldn’t figure out a response to such a soul-baring confession, I only knew that I wanted to be her. It didn’t matter that I knew he was talking about me; in my mind, I was just Reagan. There was no way for me to be that person to someone else . . . but with the depth of emotion in his words . . . I knew he’d meant every single one of them.
“That is why I want this. That is why I put up with you when you’re being unreasonable. That is why—after a week and a half since meeting you—I would do anything to see where we could go. I’m not declaring my love for you, because I’m not in love with you . . . yet. But I’ve never met anyone like you. And that’s not some bullshit line meant to make you fall for me. I never expected to find you; I didn’t know someone like you existed. I never knew there could be a relief from the agony I go through every day, and I don’t know what I did to deserve it. But after having that relief, after having you near me . . . Reagan, I crave you. And I can tell you right now it isn’t just because you silence my demons. I crave the peace you give me, yeah . . . but I crave your laugh, your love for your son, and this more.” He cupped his hand around the side of my neck, and my breathing quickened as the place where he was touching warmed. If I looked down, I knew my arms would once again be covered in goose bumps. “You feel that.”
It wasn’t a question, but I still nodded my head slowly.
He took a deep breath in through his nose, and for the first time since he started explaining to me why he wanted this, his eyes left mine—but only to fall over my face for a few seconds. “Did I just scare you with everything I said?”
“No,” I said so softly, I might have only mouthed it.
Coen’s lips formed a sad smile, and I cupped his face in my hands.
“You didn’t. I hadn’t . . . well I don’t know what I’d been expecting, but definitely not something that beautiful.”
“Beautiful?”
“Yeah, Coen, that was the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me. All of it—including the demons.”
“You’re wondering about them,” he guessed.
I shifted my weight and bit down on the inside of my cheek. I didn’t want him to think I’d been lying to him, and I didn’t want to ruin the moment he’d somehow created with his perfectly haunting words.
“Reagan—”
“Only because of Parker. Coen, I swear when you said that my first thought was I couldn’t possibly be the girl you were describing, and I wanted so badly to be her—”
“Just answer. Did. I. Scare you?”
For long seconds, there was no sound except for our breaths as our faces stayed inches apart. Nothing else. The cars on the street, the people walking by—everything else was tuned out as I studied the worry in his dark eyes. “You didn’t scare me, but there’s something about you that makes me drop my guard, so I need to know: Should I be scared? For Parker . . . should I be scared of your demons, Coen?”
“I’ll never do anything to put Parker in danger, and he’s not in danger from me. Your brother would never have even considered letting me near you if there was a chance of that. There’s just . . . there are things that happened over the years in the army that have stayed with me, and will always stay with me. Things that I wish I’d never seen, things that I can’t talk about even still, and some of them your brother doesn’t know about. But you don’t have anything to be worried about. Okay?”
“I don’t like that for you,” I whispered, and he laughed humorlessly.
“I don’t either, Duchess. But you help.”
He started leaning forward to kiss me when his phone went off again. Looking at the screen, he rolled his eyes. “Yes?” Putting a hand between my body and the car, he pulled me forward and turned me to walk toward the driver’s seat. “We’re leaving right now . . . No I haven’t been making out with her this whole time, f**k, Hudson. We were talking . . . Yeah, you know the thing people do when they’re getting to know each other? . . . Fuck off, you’re not punching me, because your sister’s fine, I didn’t touch her. We’ll be there in a few minutes.”
“He won’t really punch you,” I said when I started my car back up.
“I do, but I’m asking you.”
He stayed quiet for a few moments as he thought, and for a while, I didn’t think he would answer me. “I don’t do relationships, Reagan. I’ve just never been that guy . . . I’ve always thought they were pointless, to tell you the truth. I didn’t want to deal with the headache of them. And, Duchess, you are proving to be one massive headache that I can’t seem to get enough of.” He smiled, but it quickly fell.
This was so not going where I thought it’d been about to. “Then why?”
“You want to know why I want this? Why the guy who thinks relationships are a waste of time wants the girl who’s scared of them so goddamn bad?” When I nodded, he swallowed hard and looked away for a few seconds. When he finally looked back at me, his face was somber. “Because I found someone who chases away my demons just by looking at me. I had a girl more or less fall into my arms who can make me forget everything just by saying my name. Why wouldn’t I push for this?”
My mouth fell open at his words, and I just sat there staring at him. I couldn’t figure out a response to such a soul-baring confession, I only knew that I wanted to be her. It didn’t matter that I knew he was talking about me; in my mind, I was just Reagan. There was no way for me to be that person to someone else . . . but with the depth of emotion in his words . . . I knew he’d meant every single one of them.
“That is why I want this. That is why I put up with you when you’re being unreasonable. That is why—after a week and a half since meeting you—I would do anything to see where we could go. I’m not declaring my love for you, because I’m not in love with you . . . yet. But I’ve never met anyone like you. And that’s not some bullshit line meant to make you fall for me. I never expected to find you; I didn’t know someone like you existed. I never knew there could be a relief from the agony I go through every day, and I don’t know what I did to deserve it. But after having that relief, after having you near me . . . Reagan, I crave you. And I can tell you right now it isn’t just because you silence my demons. I crave the peace you give me, yeah . . . but I crave your laugh, your love for your son, and this more.” He cupped his hand around the side of my neck, and my breathing quickened as the place where he was touching warmed. If I looked down, I knew my arms would once again be covered in goose bumps. “You feel that.”
It wasn’t a question, but I still nodded my head slowly.
He took a deep breath in through his nose, and for the first time since he started explaining to me why he wanted this, his eyes left mine—but only to fall over my face for a few seconds. “Did I just scare you with everything I said?”
“No,” I said so softly, I might have only mouthed it.
Coen’s lips formed a sad smile, and I cupped his face in my hands.
“You didn’t. I hadn’t . . . well I don’t know what I’d been expecting, but definitely not something that beautiful.”
“Beautiful?”
“Yeah, Coen, that was the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me. All of it—including the demons.”
“You’re wondering about them,” he guessed.
I shifted my weight and bit down on the inside of my cheek. I didn’t want him to think I’d been lying to him, and I didn’t want to ruin the moment he’d somehow created with his perfectly haunting words.
“Reagan—”
“Only because of Parker. Coen, I swear when you said that my first thought was I couldn’t possibly be the girl you were describing, and I wanted so badly to be her—”
“Just answer. Did. I. Scare you?”
For long seconds, there was no sound except for our breaths as our faces stayed inches apart. Nothing else. The cars on the street, the people walking by—everything else was tuned out as I studied the worry in his dark eyes. “You didn’t scare me, but there’s something about you that makes me drop my guard, so I need to know: Should I be scared? For Parker . . . should I be scared of your demons, Coen?”
“I’ll never do anything to put Parker in danger, and he’s not in danger from me. Your brother would never have even considered letting me near you if there was a chance of that. There’s just . . . there are things that happened over the years in the army that have stayed with me, and will always stay with me. Things that I wish I’d never seen, things that I can’t talk about even still, and some of them your brother doesn’t know about. But you don’t have anything to be worried about. Okay?”
“I don’t like that for you,” I whispered, and he laughed humorlessly.
“I don’t either, Duchess. But you help.”
He started leaning forward to kiss me when his phone went off again. Looking at the screen, he rolled his eyes. “Yes?” Putting a hand between my body and the car, he pulled me forward and turned me to walk toward the driver’s seat. “We’re leaving right now . . . No I haven’t been making out with her this whole time, f**k, Hudson. We were talking . . . Yeah, you know the thing people do when they’re getting to know each other? . . . Fuck off, you’re not punching me, because your sister’s fine, I didn’t touch her. We’ll be there in a few minutes.”
“He won’t really punch you,” I said when I started my car back up.
